What TK Taught Me

theycallmelinz · October 2014

@southernbelle0915 mentioned how she originally wanted to do Donation Favors at her wedding and learned that those are a big AWish (not trying to put you on the spot girlie, it happened to me too!), and I've learned a lot from being here too. So I want to ask : Have you been 'shamed' over anything at TK? Or learned anything new about weddings from TK?

Here are mine:

-I learned that you don't need even sides. And for God's sake don't ask someone to be a BM JUST because you need even sides. I did this, and seriously regretted it. I wasn't going to end our friendship by asking her to not be a BM, but things kind of "worked out" I guess because she came to me a few weeks ago and asked if she could step down due to financial stuff. I still feel like a huge biotch for asking her in the first place when I didn't actually want her to be a BM, but you live and learn I guess. I definitely wish I had lurked her A LOT more before starting the wedding planning process.

-I learned what a PPD is. I'd always planned on FI and my's wedding to be on the actual day we get married, but I know TONS of people who had "hurry up ceremonies" first, and then big weddings later where they didn't tell anyone they were already married. I've been in both the quick ceremony, and the big fake wedding. Before TK, I didn't realize how offensive this is to people because I knew so many people who had done it.

-I learned that cash bars are extremely tacky. I always thought alcohol was welcome(by guests) at any wedding, but only wealthy people had open bars. Luckily I was schooled that it really isn't that expensive, because FI and I are having an open bar and we definitely aren't wealthy.

So what has TK taught you?!

ETA: I mean this light-heartedly, I don't know if this comes across as me complaining or being snarky about TK 'teaching me' something. If so, that's not the case!

chibiyui · October 2014

I learned about how Dow payment, honeymoon and other cash registries were rude. Which is good, cause when I mentioned them to my mom, she got quiet, which is mom for "I don't want to hurt your feelings.

I also learned about PPDs. I'm definitely in the don't care if you're honest about it category, but I understand how that is still offensive.

JennyColada · October 2014

I learned a lot, mainly because I didn't know anything. My mom eloped, so we were pretty clueless with anything. Thank god for great wedding planners!

My favorite thing is etiquette. I mean, most of it is common sense to me, but it's nice to get confirmation.

theycallmelinz · October 2014

chibiyui said:I learned about how Dow payment, honeymoon and other cash registries were rude. Which is good, cause when I mentioned them to my mom, she got quiet, which is mom for "I don't want to hurt your feelings. I also learned about PPDs. I'm definitely in the don't care if you're honest about it category, but I understand how that is still offensive.

--------------------In case the boxes disappear

Me too. I'm glad I learned this here as opposed to having all my guests side-eye me for it lol

cupcait927 · October 2014

I wasn't aware just how tacky honeymoon registries were. I never planned on having one but hearing the rationale as to why they're rude definitely opened my eyes. My mom and grandmother are horrified at the thought of honeyfunds, and my mom is pretty laid back. They paid for everything on their own, so why should you expect them to help pay for your honeymoon?

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

I learned about favors and, particularly as you mention, donation favors. We were seriously going to do this and were just waiting on a final guest list count when I put the brakes on because of info here.

Other things:

- Honeymoon registries. I guess I just didn't "get it" but finally figured out it's a lose-lose for everyone. Which is why I never understand why the SS don't get it. If registering for money, why register somewhere that takes a cut of your money?! Anyway...

- PPDs. I knew people who did these before I realized how/why they suck. I was like "oh common, so whatever".

ETA: I should also mention that a lot of etiquette faux pas did not bother me when I was young (and admitted less mature). Now that I'm an adult and I've hosted my own wedding, I know how easy it is to follow the rules. It doesn't mean "less original" or "less creative". That's where I think the SS get hung up. They think if they can't break etiquette rules, it's cramping their style. It's not.

luckya23 · October 2014

I learned about too many neutrals in an outfit!

I guess also about honey funds since my sister did have one. My mom wants me to register for home Depot gift cards.

destinationtake2 · October 2014

I just learned what a PPD when I came back to TK to plan my vow renewal. I am pretty sure the term didn't exist when I was originally here 10+ years ago and it was not a "hot topic" like it is now. Like you, I know many who have done it. In the cases I have seen, the guests were thrilled to celebrate with the couple, see them dressed as a bride and groom, witness their vows, etc. As for those who did it secretly, well... it was a secret. So the guests were still happy. LOL (I have never attended a wedding and checked for records to see if maybe the couple got married on another day.)

I think I have forgotten what I learned here when I planned my wedding. LOL But I made good friends here at the time and it's the best way to get vendor ideas and reviews when you're planning long distance.

abbyj700 · October 2014

1) That dollar dances - while popular in my Italian Western Pennsylvanian circle -are money grabby. We talked about doing one - but with the mix of people from different places we have coming- we didn't want to offend - and couldn't be sure we would - so it's a no go.

2) That honeyfunds take your money! I was never going to do one (we were lucky enough to be gifted our honeymoon by my boss) but I had looked at giving some activities to a friend who's wedding I was in last December and am SO happy I didn't - damn people taking cash off the top!

3) That most people value food and booze at a wedding as much as FI and I. We thought we may be a little crazy putting half of our budget on food and booze - but after being here - it doesn't seem odd at all! Thanks to that our guests will have an open bar and stations from around the world that will include pallela, sushi, hummus, international cheeses, a carving station, you name it!

destinationtake2 · October 2014

cupcait927 said:

I wasn't aware just how tacky honeymoon registries were.

Ok, I didn't know this either until recently. I just participated in one in March for the first time. We paid for a private cabana in Aruba for the couple. I was so excited about it, too! They also had traditional registries and I just found that gift so much more exciting than the boring (although needed) household items that they wanted. I imagined them laying on the beach after all the stress of the wedding was over, thinking, "Thanks mr and mrs.destinationtake2." LOL

You know what, I think many (myself included) don't have a clue about how many things are rude unless we come to these boards! So as long as your guests stay away, you are good.

falsara · October 2014

I learned a lot since I've only been to two weddings and I had no hand in the planning process, so I had no clue what I'm doing, sometime I still have no clue.

Things I learned

-Always have a rain backup

-There are things that are not ok to do, etiquette is against them etc

-there are ways to make your space pretty, even if you have a low budget.

-There are some really selfish, self-absorbed people on the internet. I never knew that SS were a real life thing. I thought that the brides I saw on Bridezillas were all scripted/ over exaggerated. But then just seeing some of the threads that SS have started makes me cringe that people like that exist.

There's tons of other stuff I've learned but those were just some of the biggies.

-

pinkcow13 · October 2014

I learned that honeyfunds are truly tacky. Before coming on TK, my friend told me she was doing one for her wedding. At first I thought, what a great idea! And even brought it up to FI. A part of me still wasn't sure though, I felt that it was a bit weird asking for this. And I thought, how would I do that? On the invitations? Shower? So I posed the question here, one of my first questions, and quickly learned what they are really about (I didn't know they took a fee from each "donation"), and how they are viewed. I also learned that a honeymoon is not a necessity, therefore not anyone's responsibility to fund.

I learned more about PPD's. I never really considered this, but my cousin suggested it. I kinda thought of it as, well if we are already married, wtf would I drop all that money on having the bigger wedding too? When I came here I really learned about how offensive and crappy they are. They just seemed to be common and okay with family and friends before.

I also learned that you do not write "Adults only" on invitations! This is a prevalent one in our families. Oh, and that fake start times are rude. A few people suggested we do that, and I considered it. Until TK

beethery · October 2014

My first post was me going off about cameras at weddings (in the etiquette deal-breakers thread) because my overgrown toddler FFIL brings out a loud ass old digital camera to weddings.

It sounds like a god damn spaceship signaling for landing when he turns it on, the flash is fucked up, and the shutter sound would make your ears pop. You ever see the episode of Frasier where Freddie is having his Bar Mitzvah and Martin has that crazy camera? That's what FFIL's camera is like.

I realized the error of my ways and will not be saying shit to no-god-damn-body about cameras. I hate when people don't silence their phones before weddings and other shit like that because it's common fucking courtesy, but if they can't get with the god damn program, it's on them, not me.

FFIL is getting a very nice, very quiet digital camera for Christmas this year.

hellosweetie1015 · October 2014

I'd never heard of a honeymoon registry or a PPD, and didn't realize that they even were things.

I came in still toying with the idea of a potluck reception... I got slightly schooled by the idea of asking my bridesmaids if they'd rather sit in places of honor instead of spend my ceremony standing... I learned that if I have a small wedding, I can't have a shower with all my aunts - and that it's totally fine to tell someone you'd rather not have a pre-wedding party than have something that you wouldn't want to stand behind etiquette-wise.

levioosa · October 2014

TK taught me all the etiquette, and it has pointed me to the direction of Miss Manners (thank you all).

Last night I was talking to my Mom about some etiquette related stuff and she said the words, "there are no rules anymore. Etiquette is dead. Everyone just does what they want now anyways."

No, Mom, no! I'm trying to keep them alive! I even follow an etiquette board!

destinationtake2 · October 2014

pinkcow13 said:

I also learned that you do not write "Adults only" on invitations! This is a prevalent one in our families. Oh, and that fake start times are rude. A few people suggested we do that, and I considered it. Until TK

I have always seen this. Truthfully, I have always known the rule- that the invitees are the names on the invite. I also know that the weddings I've attended would have had kids there if the couple didn't say "adults only". Don't ask me how I know, I just do. I have seen way too many people ask (for events in general) about bringing kids even though the invite clearly only had the couple's name on it. And then the poor host has the task of teaching etiquette to their guests and turning their kids away in an actual conversation. It's so much easier to give these lessons to strangers on TK.

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

beethery said:

My first post was me going off about cameras at weddings (in the etiquette deal-breakers thread) because my overgrown toddler FFIL brings out a loud ass old digital camera to weddings.

It sounds like a god damn spaceship signaling for landing when he turns it on, the flash is fucked up, and the shutter sound would make your ears pop. You ever see the episode of Frasier where Freddie is having his Bar Mitzvah and Martin has that crazy camera? That's what FFIL's camera is like.

I realized the error of my ways and will not be saying shit to no-god-damn-body about cameras. I hate when people don't silence their phones before weddings and other shit like that because it's common fucking courtesy, but if they can't get with the god damn program, it's on them, not me.

FFIL is getting a very nice, very quiet digital camera for Christmas this year.

Is he still planning to clink the glass?

novella1186 · October 2014

All the stuff PPs mentioned, I did not know before I came here.

I was in my college roommates wedding, which was serving as my example as the proper way to do a wedding cuz I didn't know better and didn't have any other experience, and my roommate is a pretty classy, proper, etiquette-y person in general. But I've since learned that a lot of the stuff she did is not ok, such as:

Didn't ask any of us BMs for our budget before she chose our dress

Our gifts were something for us to wear for the wedding

Dollar dance

Made everyone in the WP sit at a head table, separated from our SOs

My sister was trying to get me to force my BMs to pay for my $500 make-up artist (didn't actually hire her, my sister was pushing me to hire her and I kept saying she cost too much which is why my sister thought the BMs should pay for her and she'd also do their make-up) which I refused cuz it seemed rude and my BMs all have tight budgets. TK taught me that it IS in fact wrong to do this.

Was originally thinking of doing donation favors.

Hate cash bars, but didn't realize that they were so wrong!

I personally hate gaps, but never knew before TK that they were rude.

Games are stupid and annoying (one DJ I interviewed was trying to talk me into this great fun thing called the shoe game, but I was neutral on it till I came here!)

BMs have no duties. The MOH does not have to plan any parties.

What else... I could seriously go on and on and on. I was really naive to all the wedding stuff, and I knew I was extremely naive. So thankful for TK and all you Knotties!

beethery · October 2014

southernbelle0915 said:

beethery said:

My first post was me going off about cameras at weddings (in the etiquette deal-breakers thread) because my overgrown toddler FFIL brings out a loud ass old digital camera to weddings.

It sounds like a god damn spaceship signaling for landing when he turns it on, the flash is fucked up, and the shutter sound would make your ears pop. You ever see the episode of Frasier where Freddie is having his Bar Mitzvah and Martin has that crazy camera? That's what FFIL's camera is like.

I realized the error of my ways and will not be saying shit to no-god-damn-body about cameras. I hate when people don't silence their phones before weddings and other shit like that because it's common fucking courtesy, but if they can't get with the god damn program, it's on them, not me.

FFIL is getting a very nice, very quiet digital camera for Christmas this year.

Is he still planning to clink the glass?

Yes he is, and he still will not shut the fuck up about it.

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

beethery said:

southernbelle0915 said:
Is he still planning to clink the glass?

Yes he is, and he still will not shut the fuck up about it.

Do you have the kids' table picked out for him yet? If I remember right, that was the original plan and it sounded awesome.

beethery · October 2014

southernbelle0915 said:

beethery said:

southernbelle0915 said:
Is he still planning to clink the glass?

Yes he is, and he still will not shut the fuck up about it.

Do you have the kids' table picked out for him yet? If I remember right, that was the original plan and it sounded awesome.

You better believe I do.

abbyj700 · October 2014

pinkcow13 said:

I learned that honeyfunds are truly tacky. Before coming on TK, my friend told me she was doing one for her wedding. At first I thought, what a great idea! And even brought it up to FI. A part of me still wasn't sure though, I felt that it was a bit weird asking for this. And I thought, how would I do that? On the invitations? Shower? So I posed the question here, one of my first questions, and quickly learned what they are really about (I didn't know they took a fee from each "donation"), and how they are viewed. I also learned that a honeymoon is not a necessity, therefore not anyone's responsibility to fund.

I learned more about PPD's. I never really considered this, but my cousin suggested it. I kinda thought of it as, well if we are already married, wtf would I drop all that money on having the bigger wedding too? When I came here I really learned about how offensive and crappy they are. They just seemed to be common and okay with family and friends before.

I also learned that you do not write "Adults only" on invitations! This is a prevalent one in our families. Oh, and that fake start times are rude. A few people suggested we do that, and I considered it. Until TK

This too.

Though I can tell you from experience that those people who are offended that their children are not invited will be offended no matter how you word it. FI's brother is not attending our wedding - this being one of his many reasons.

raissyrais · October 2014

I learned about PPDs and how tacky honeyfunds and other cash registries are. To me it had never ever entered my mind before as where I was born, the culture is exactly like that and has been for so long. But I'm glad I understand that the same thing absolutely does not work in other cultures/countries.

I'm also happy I learned how strong a community, even virtual can be. I love how everybody on here can be so supportive and encouraging.

doeydo · October 2014

I learned:

-about PPDs (believe it or not, I had never heard of having a second "wedding" before TK)

-how to properly address invites when having a child-free wedding (never put "Adult Only" or anything like that, just address it to those invited and call them once you get an RSVP back with more than those invited)

-that some people do thank you notes for pretty much everything. Verbal thank yous around here are good enough (except for weddings and showers).

-tuxedos are supposed to only be worn after 6:00 p.m. therefor if you are getting married earlier than that, the groom and GM can wear a morning suit (I truly thought that was an old fashioned/English thing) or a regular suit.

-honeyfunds (I actually thought the idea of people buying a dinner for two, etc. would actually happen and be something cool)

-jeans at weddings. They're not the end of the world, but IMO, unless you literally have no other clothes, it is disrespectful to show up in jeans or even more casual clothes.

Also, when I first came on here, I posted links to some websites that sold knockoff dresses. Believe it or not, I was not educated in the ways of the internet-dress-selling world. I got chewed out a bit.
Don't hate me.

SmileDamnit · October 2014

I've learned that people have a real hatred toward any/all things burlap and have very strong opinions about tuxes before dark and white worn by anyone but the bride. I've learned that people actually buy into the photo industry hype that "unplugged" weddings are the way to go and that everyone has an excuse for why their gap is absolutely unavoidable. I've learned that while advice is often solicited, it's rarely taken so it's often best not to even waste your breath.

Most importantly, I've learned that the art of properly hosting guests is a dying art, but I'm glad to see a handful of capable hostesses still alive and thriving out in TK land

[Deleted User] · October 2014

Ohhhhh man! So many things!

-Probably a good idea to check with VIPS before setting a date for your wedding, especially if last minute.! (common sense regardless, but I apparently did not have any at the time, lol)

-Tiered receptions are super rude. Not that I didnt know that before, I just think I wasn't totally sure WHAT a tiered reception was.

-Seats for every butt!

-Cash bars = Rude. Did not know this before at all, in any way, shape or form, would not have even thought twice about it , if I had not read about it here, but totally totally get it now from lurking here!

lyndausvi · October 2014

Etiquette wise nothing really. Somehow my very poor depression-ear grandparents did a great job of teaching their kids and grandkids how to host guests properly. They also taught us how to never ask for money, send out TY notes and stuff like that.

What surprised me the most is the amount of couples who think they are somehow exempt from being a gracious host (or a polite human being) simply because it's "their day". If you invite a bunch of friends over to your house to you ask for money for their drinks? Do you make them stand outside in extreme weather conditions? Do you deny them someplace to sit? Do you deny them access to a bathroom? Do you tell them how to dress? Do you ask them for money in order to attend? Do you invite them for dinner and feed them a few carrots with dip? Do you go around thinking of ways to extort or solicit money from them?

I'm hoping in most cases the answer is NO. A wedding reception is just a party on a larger scale. Normal hosting procedures do not just get pushed aside simply because it's a wedding or a larger more expensive event.

People get so wrapped up on doing something "different" or "special" or just simply entiled they lose track of the basics. It's possible to be a gracious host on a budget while having a special day.

thisismynickname2 · October 2014

Things I learned not to do, that I thought I might do- crisis averted!!

a) Don't ask friends to "work" your wedding; it's not an honor. (I was going to ask a musician friend to do ceremony music. Whoopsie.)

b) Wedding jewelry is not an appropriate BM gift.

Things I learned were bad but wasn't planning to do anyway, though prevalent in my circles:

a) No dress codes unless specified by venue

b) No "adults only" on the invitation (and thanks for the great wording for RSVP cards!)

c) No cash bar or partial cash bar.

d) No gaps.

Something I just learned, and now feel bad about:

An usher isn't an honored role. We asked my sister's husband to be the usher, as we knew we'd need someone to herd cats. He did the job graciously. He was in all the bridal party pictures and got the same gift as the groomsmen, but I feel kind of bad that we put him to work for the ceremony. But, with all weddings I've been to, that's just what ushers do. So, we did too.

climbingsingle · October 2014

Honeymoon registries. I'd never considered one myself, and had only encountered two in real life.

Asking for no gifts is tacky.

Sugargirl1019 · October 2014

Hmmm my first post on here a year ago was about how rude my bridesmaid was for coming out with us all to buy the BM dresses we chose online and she was at the register and stepped back and said I can't afford this right now. I was pissed. And then all the knotties jumped on me for being so rude to my friend for not asking her budget privately beforehand. I was embarrassed.

I also had the big blunder of not getting married in the catholic church and getting told that I wouldn't be able to take communion anymore in the future and was a bad Catholic for not knowing this.

Well now I know!

jenna8984 · October 2014

All of the above! In my area cash bars, jack & Jill's, and head tables are common. I always thought they were kinda rude but just went along with it until I saw my validation on here. Also the weddings I've been in I was gifted jewelry to wear in the wedding so I learned not to give my girls that.

One of my first questions was if I could have cheesecake for myself and husband but not for everyone else. Because one of my friends actually got herself a plate of sushi when she was the bride but it wasn't available for anyone else. Big no-no.

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