advice

sarahcweaver · October 2014

Right when I got engaged, I immediately asked three girls to be in my wedding. My sister, my fiance's sister and my best friend from college. All three girls live in completely different parts of the world but they are important to me. However, my best friend from college moved away before I got engaged and now we have lost touch. We haven't spoken in nearly 6 months and the wedding isn't even until May. She never visits here and she has already bought her bridesmaid's dress. I don't want her to come here just for my wedding and have it be an awkward moment. She doesn't know anyone in my wedding party or any of the attendees and I'm afraid I will feel the need to entertain her the entire time. What do I do? Should I try to reconnect? I am very busy, and although it may sound shady, I don't have time to reach out and rekindle our relationship. Advice?

Maggie0829 · October 2014

sarahcbain4 said:

Right when I got engaged, I immediately asked three girls to be in my wedding. My sister, my fiance's sister and my best friend from college. All three girls live in completely different parts of the world but they are important to me. However, my best friend from college moved away before I got engaged and now we have lost touch. We haven't spoken in nearly 6 months and the wedding isn't even until May. She never visits here and she has already bought her bridesmaid's dress. I don't want her to come here just for my wedding and have it be an awkward moment. She doesn't know anyone in my wedding party or any of the attendees and I'm afraid I will feel the need to entertain her the entire time. What do I do? Should I try to reconnect? I am very busy, and although it may sound shady, I don't have time to reach out and rekindle our relationship. Advice?

No you cannot un-ask a BM. It is a very rude thing to do and a friendship ending move.

To the bolded, seriously? That sounds really horrible. Everyone is busy with their own lives but when you want to stay friends with someone you make the time to reach out every now and then. But if you don't want to put the time in to try and keep this friendship then tell her that you changed your mind and you no longer want her in the wedding. That will end your friendship completely and you will no longer worry about wasting time on possibly rekindling it. Just make sure to send her a check for the amount of the dress she bought.

levieenrose · October 2014

She was your best friend in college? Lady, rekindle that relationship! 6 months isn't the worst thing in the world. Reach out to her now; I'm sure neither of you will be sorry.

OliveOilsMom · October 2014

I have a friend who lives about 2 hours away. So we rarely get to see each other. But emails go a long way in between visits. It takes less than 5 minutes to write an email and are neither of your on facebook? Also, as soon as my friend and I are in the same room, its like no time has passed! We pick right up where we were the last time. There is no awkwardness and I don't need to "entertain" her.

zitiqueen · October 2014

Somebody didn't get the "advice" she wanted...

sarahcweaver · October 2014

Wanted friendly advice.......

Thanks though. And at any rate, I would be upset if my friend somehow saw this so I made an attempt to take it down.

peachy13 · October 2014

sarahcweaver said:

Wanted friendly advice.......

Thanks though. And at any rate, I would be upset if my friend somehow saw this so I made an attempt to take it down.

You were quoted, so it was pointless to see take your original post down as we can all see it. And the "." title just draws more attention and will bring more traffic to your post.

djfivenine · October 2014

If you have time to pose a question to The Knot forums, you have the time to send your friend a quick "hey girl, thinking of you!" email. If your reason is less "I don't have time" and more truly "I don't want to make the time," then do what PPs said and ask her to step down from being your bridesmaid. It will end your friendship and you won't have to make time to talk to her anymore!

Maggie0829 · October 2014

sarahcweaver said:

Wanted friendly advice.......

Thanks though. And at any rate, I would be upset if my friend somehow saw this so I made an attempt to take it down.

My advice was actually pretty friendly. I just didn't dip it in chocolate, cover it in sugar and delivered it to you by a dog driving a rainbow colored convertible.

levieenrose · October 2014

May I suggest changing your picture and username? You'll have much more anonymity if you are really worried about someone accidently reading your posts. Or maybe don't post stuff you'd be embarrassed for them to find?

Also, rekindling a relationship doesn't have to take that much effort. If your relationship used to be a 24/7 thing, and you're feeling lost after 6 months of radio silence, then it may seem daunting. But it's really not. A quick, "Hey, thinking of you!" is a perfectly fine way to start it back up. It might not be exactly the same relationship it was. You're both living lives. Hopefully you're both growing. Unless you have other reasons not listed for not wanting to be her friend, it would really be a shame if you threw it away.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

Reading this just made me send an email to one of my friends asking for another friend's email address. I'm going to get back in touch with an old friend I haven't talked to in a couple years. She's gotten married since then. I wasn't invited to her wedding, but don't have any hard feelings about it, we hadn't been in touch. We've always had the kind of relationship where we could fall off the planet for a while, but every time we talked it was like no time had passed at all. I hope it will be like that again. If not, things change.

sarahcweaver · October 2014

Aw you're right. So glad I sought out the advice of everyone. Wasn't trying to cause an uproar on an insignificant forum, just wanted some straight-forward advice.

There are a lot of details that I left out in my message that I felt were irrelevant: How my close friend just passed away and how my fiance and I almost broke off our wedding and I've been dealing with that. Also how I have attempted to reach out to my friend but she lives in Germany and we can't necessarily call each other up every day...

So thanks for your help. I'm not a bad friend, just thought some other NICE women would help me with this issue.

levieenrose · October 2014

I asked a good friend in Sweden to be a bridesmaid.

I reiterated time and again that I was asking her because of how important she was to me, but that I would not feel hurt or resentful if it wasn't possible for her to attend the wedding, let alone get a bm dress. She happily chose to be a bm at first, but eventually dropped out of the wp. She put a lot of stress on herself--she was having a pretty stressful life anyway--and didn't/couldn't accept my offers off assistance. But she was fortunately able to attend.

She decided she would rather do a reading (she has the most flawless, unaccented British voice so no one was even listening to the content of her reading), and she ended up feeling comfortable and happy with her participation.

Sorry for the derailment there. But, the point is I do understand the difficulties of keeping in touch with friends overseas--wedding party or not.

Being her friend is totally worth it. We don't write more than once a month or once every other month, but that's okay. If something really important or stressful is going on, we Skype. Most importantly, we understand and forgive each other, we communicate, and we continue to support and celebrate each other. I'm wishing the same for you.

levieenrose · October 2014

Also, re: how to make your friend comfortable while visiting the states and meeting strangers at your wedding, there are a number of things you can do.

1. Help her figure out transportation to the ceremony site and any other festivities. Provide her with maps, airport/train/bus/car service/picking her up options, etc.

2. Help her make sleeping arrangements. That might mean booking for her, sharing the cost of her hotel room or finding someone to share a room with her, or helping to set her up staying with other relatives, etc.

3. Introduce her now to the other wedding party members via email, FB, etc.

4. Think about who to introduce her to at the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner.

5. Seat her at the reception with people she has met in the past few days, or mutual college friends if you have any coming.

BTW, letting her know that you are thinking of her comfort is a great thing to include when you make contact with her again.

(I know you said you are busy, but believe me that I was going-out-of-my-mind-friggin'-insane-with-work when I did this for my friend. If you want to do this, you absolutely can)

Good luck!

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

sarahcweaver said:

Aw you're right. So glad I sought out the advice of everyone. Wasn't trying to cause an uproar on an insignificant forum, just wanted some straight-forward advice.

There are a lot of details that I left out in my message that I felt were irrelevant: How my close friend just passed away and how my fiance and I almost broke off our wedding and I've been dealing with that. Also how I have attempted to reach out to my friend but she lives in Germany and we can't necessarily call each other up every day...

So thanks for your help. I'm not a bad friend, just thought some other NICE women would help me with this issue.

In the time you've spent on this forum, you could have reached out to your friend. She was your best friend and you asked her to stand up for you during a very important day in your life for a reason. So she lives in Germany? So what? Email is free, fast and easy.

If you kick her out of the wedding, you are burning a bridge. Just why? I'd leave her in, personally. Later, if you decide the friendship is over, you can let it die a natural death. But kicking someone out of your wedding party after they've bought the dress and planned an international trip to attend is extreme. If I were a BM and the bride did that to me, I'd never speak to her again. Period.

zitiqueen · October 2014

sarahcweaver said:

Wanted friendly advice.......

Thanks though. And at any rate, I would be upset if my friend somehow saw this so I made an attempt to take it down.

You're upset that people weren't friendlier about the snotty comment you made regarding your lack of desire to salvage this friendship?

LOL.

lilacck28 · October 2014

I had a tight knit group of friends in college. I haven't spoken to one of them in probably two years (she moved across the country for law school, I was in grad school, we got busy and were never great at keeping in touch to begin with). I decided to send her a save the date anyway, because she was part of my group and I cared about her. I texted her to get her address, she responded right away, and we had a phone chat that night. It felt exactly the same as it always did. I think a lot of close friendships will feel just as close even if you have a period of not staying in touch.

As for her being in Germany... download "What's App". It lets you text internationally for free. Also, send her emails. Make a gchat/ skype date.

danamw · October 2014

To OP. It sounds to me like you have found someone else you want as a BM, and you would like an excuse to jettison this original girl. I don't think you care whether you are continuing friends with her.

So do what you want. It will save the girl the problem of traveling to a wedding where the bride doesn't want her. Pay her for the dress she bought, along with any other expenses. Give her extra for her trouble.

SachaBee · October 2014

OP, I can totally understand the daunting feeling of falling out of touch when you're separated by an ocean. But just remember that difficult doesn't mean impossible. Your friend is probably thinking about you, too, and wondering whether this will be awkward. I literally just had this conversation with a friend. I thought I was responsible for us falling out of touch, but we realised we had both been busy and at the same time missing each other and wanting to be in touch, but not knowing how to start....

I think the bottom line here is: do you actually want to be in touch with this girl? Or are you just worried about the wedding?

MegEn1 · October 2014

I haven't spoken to one of the women I intend to ask to be a BM in over a year. We were the best of friends growing up, she saw me through some super hard times. Wouldn't dream of doing it without her.

But I am worried she'd be lonely, having to come across the country with only her husband. For that reason I am making a point of inviting circles - for everyone. Unless someone declines to come, no one will be without friends or acquaintances at this event.

mimihankston15 · October 2014

Take the time to rekindle the friendship. She was close to you at one point, so it should be worth it to you. Im in a similar situation with my bridesmaids, Im in one state while they are in 3 different states. We make it work. My MOH has been my bestie for years, & although we had to move to another state due to my fiancé's work, we still keep in touch. We are both in college & working, so we are busy too, but we manage to at least text each other once a week to check on one another. Last time we had a phone conversation we were on the phone for about 3 hours (Haven't done that since High school lol)

Point of my story is if she was important enough for you to ask her to be a BM 6 months ago, the friendship should be a priority to rekindle. Just send her a few text messages and call once in a while.

MobKaz · October 2014

sarahcweaver said:

Aw you're right. So glad I sought out the advice of everyone. Wasn't trying to cause an uproar on an insignificant forum, just wanted some straight-forward advice.

There are a lot of details that I left out in my message that I felt were irrelevant: How my close friend just passed away and how my fiance and I almost broke off our wedding and I've been dealing with that. Also how I have attempted to reach out to my friend but she lives in Germany and we can't necessarily call each other up every day...

So thanks for your help. I'm not a bad friend, just thought some other NICE women would help me with this issue.

A passive aggressive attitude won't help here. We can only respond with the information you provide.

There is no reason you cannot reach out to this friend via email. You must have been in some contact with her if you have discussed dresses. It sounds more as if you feel YOU will be put out when she is here for YOUR wedding. She has already purchased the dress and clearly has already committed to traveling FROM EUROPE to be a part of your wedding. It sounds as if she knows how to be a friend, and doesn't seem concerned if your communication is few and far between. One simple email or phone call can close that gap in a heartbeat.

AddieCake · October 2014

So b/c we think it's shitty that you have time to post here but don't have time to reach out to your best friend, we're not "nice women." Yeah, about your logic.....

advice

Re: advice

Choose Another Board

Search Boards