NWR: WWYD - ending friendships and returning gifts

paperpusher · October 2014

TL;DR
Recently (not kidding, happened Friday) a coworker I invited to my wedding back in July ended our friendship.
Would you return any gift she gave or just dispose of it?

I invited her to my wedding back in July. She brought her husband, all had a good time. They gave us a couple gift certificates to local restaurants and a card with well wishes and to always make time for a date.

After weeks of being treated like dirt I finally called her out on it Friday and said that I have no idea what I did to upset her and make her so angry with me, but it is affecting our work and it needs to change.

She said that she feels extremely uncomfortable around me, that I need to do some soul searching, and all conversations between the two of us should be kept professional.

WTF? I have no idea what I did wrong. I'm the same as I've always been, if anything I've been more easy going. What I find really ironic is that she's constantly being taken advantage of by two other women we work with and it's me she finally grows a backbone with.

What would you do with that card and gift certificates she gave? H and I have already used one, but I want to put the monetary value of it and the remaining certificates back in the card and give it back to her saying I don't feel comfortable having it in my house. Quite honestly I don't want to go to that restaurant on their dime either. I'm THAT pissed and hurt.

Is this too childish and petty? How would you react?

RebeccaFlower · October 2014

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It seems so random, but at least now you have some closure?

I think you've both said as much as needs to be said and returning the gift cards would be petty, IMO. Can you donate them to a silent auction or something instead?

paperpusher · October 2014

@RebeccaFlower thanks. It is random and I guess I already know it's petty. I'm so sad because she was the one I always turned to for advice during wedding planning. I'll have to look into the silent auction type thing. I'm not sure where I live is big enough for something like that, but that is a really good idea. Thanks!

RebeccaFlower · October 2014

Trust me, someone will take a free gift card. What about boy/girl scouts or teams that have baskets they raffle off?

Because I'm nosey, do you really think that nothing happened?

jacques27 · October 2014

Yes, it is childish and petty.

This was a gift given with the best of intentions at the time it was given. You don't give it back.

It's a restaurant gift certificate - it's not something you'll be staring at in your home for the next 50 years reminding you of her. If it upsets you that greatly to use it, then go find yourself a local charity you like that periodically runs a silent auction and donate it to them to use in their next auction (animal shelters and churches if you belong to one are a good place to start if you don't already know of or have a favorite charity that does this - a local no-kill cat shelter always puts on a fundraising event with silent auction in the fall here). Or, if you have a friend who is a new parent, why not give them the certificate along with the offer to babysit and let them have a date instead.

ETA: Not only is it childish and petty, but you need to salvage what little of a professional relationship you have with her. Giving her back the card(s) could be seen by her as violating her request to keep your contact with her as strictly professional and you could find yourself on the receiving end of a complaint to your supervisor or HR.

paperpusher · October 2014

I have no idea what happened. I've been racking my brain and trying to figure out when this all started, but I just can't figure it out. I know it had to have started at least a month ago because I stopped in on a day off and she didn't even bother to say hello.

She's my coverage when I need to step away or take a day off so it makes for a very awkward day when she can't even look at me. Unless I initiate the conversation she will not communicate with me unless it's through email and can be fit into the subject line. I haven't received a lot of my return phone calls because she will not call me to let me know so-and-so is on the line.

That's why I finally called her out on it Friday. Someone I've been trying to get a hold of and playing phone tag with called. She didn't even bother paging me to let me know they were waiting, but instead took a "message" that said "so-and-so called for you".

RebeccaFlower · October 2014

paperpusher said:

I have no idea what happened. I've been racking my brain and trying to figure out when this all started, but I just can't figure it out. I know it had to have started at least a month ago because I stopped in on a day off and she didn't even bother to say hello.

She's my coverage when I need to step away or take a day off so it makes for a very awkward day when she can't even look at me. Unless I initiate the conversation she will not communicate with me unless it's through email and can be fit into the subject line. I haven't received a lot of my return phone calls because she will not call me to let me know so-and-so is on the line.

That's why I finally called her out on it Friday. Someone I've been trying to get a hold of and playing phone tag with called. She didn't even bother paging me to let me know they were waiting, but instead took a "message" that said "so-and-so called for you".

The last two paragraphs are such bullshit. Girl needs to separate professional and personal reallllll quick. Are you her superior? If not, I would probably let someone know what's going on. Not in a trash her kind of way, but it sounds like she could go BSC and I wouldn't want her version to be the first they hear.

paperpusher · October 2014

@jacques27 thank you for those suggestions. I don't belong to a church, but there are a couple animal shelters nearby. And I agree that I do need to maintain whatever is left of our professional relationship. Thank you.

paperpusher · October 2014

RebeccaFlower said:

paperpusher said:

I have no idea what happened. I've been racking my brain and trying to figure out when this all started, but I just can't figure it out. I know it had to have started at least a month ago because I stopped in on a day off and she didn't even bother to say hello.

She's my coverage when I need to step away or take a day off so it makes for a very awkward day when she can't even look at me. Unless I initiate the conversation she will not communicate with me unless it's through email and can be fit into the subject line. I haven't received a lot of my return phone calls because she will not call me to let me know so-and-so is on the line.

That's why I finally called her out on it Friday. Someone I've been trying to get a hold of and playing phone tag with called. She didn't even bother paging me to let me know they were waiting, but instead took a "message" that said "so-and-so called for you".

The last two paragraphs are such bullshit. Girl needs to separate professional and personal reallllll quick. Are you her superior? If not, I would probably let someone know what's going on. Not in a trash her kind of way, but it sounds like she could go BSC and I wouldn't want her version to be the first they hear.

Yes, I agree. I am not her superior. We have different supervisors. I did let mine know Friday afternoon that she no longer feels comfortable around me and I would like someone else to be my coverage if possible. She said she would talk with some people about it, but because I've placed a bid for another job within the company it may not need to be acted on.

sarals24 · October 2014

SO WEIRD I could have written this. A girl at work in my department (who I was pretty good friends with, we would hang out outside of work with a few other people, etc) confided in me that she was "hooking up" with another person at work, not in our department. Well, that guy was (is) married. I was not impressed. I didn't say anything to her but I made it clear that I never wanted to hear about it again.

She comes to my wedding, gives me a really nice present off the registry, and sure enough, a few months later, gets called into our supervisor's office and reprimanded (and written up, etc) for the issue. Since she claims that I was the only one who knew, she blames me. I never said a word, and I told her so. But her behavior around the guy had made others talk about it, and I never stood up for her (BECAUSE IT WAS TRUE, AND GROSS).

Anyway, she stops talking to me, which made work EXTREMELY awkward since we were a four-person department and planned events, sooooo yeah. I could literally see into her office from my office, and she wouldn't speak to me at all. She eventually put in her two weeks notice, and ASKED ME FOR THE WEDDING PRESENT BACK.

Yeah, no.

charlottesmom0626 · October 2014

something similar happened to me. I was really close with a coworker and then one day she just stopped taking my personal calls and wouldn't speak to me unless it was work related. I called her out on it and she basically broke up with me "It's not you, it's just I need some time to think and you're a really great person but I just don't want to be so close with my coworkers outside of work"

I had a rough couple of months trying to be professional but I was really really hurt. Good luck, it gets easier!

indianaalum · October 2014

Sorry about this, but NO, I would definitely not return any wedding gifts of hers. A gift is a gift. I would just move on

XrebeccaX · October 2014

I too could have written this. I had a very close friendship with a coworker and it ended abruptly. She said the same thing - "I feel uncomfortable around you" - but wouldn't explain herself further. She unfriended me on Facebook and the whole deal. Recently she came out of the woodwork again wanting to catch up and professing to be "so happy" for my recent marriage. I was friendly but will keep that at arms' length, thanks!

Regarding the gift cards - I would just be the bigger person and grant her wish in terms of maintaining a professional relationship. Give the cards to someone else. There are also websites where you can trade such things though I have never used one, so buyer beware; but yeah I would just pass them along and turn her hurtful gesture into a kind one on your part.

And not to alarm you but I would definitely make sure this is noted with your supervisor or HR. If you choose to speak to someone about it, be dispassionate and straightforward. Don't accuse her of being "nuts" or the like but explain the facts.

My take on her behavior is that she is either regretting having confided something in you, is having some personal issue that's complicating her life, or is having feelings of jealousy/insecurity. Whatever it is, it's not your problem anymore, so good riddance!

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

I'd regift them to someone else, or find a site that allows you to trade with someone for a different gift card.

RebeccaFlower · October 2014

Maybe to flip it... probably because I'm a asshole, part of me says use the cards, enjoy a margarita and revel that crazy bitch paid for it.

doeydo · October 2014

They're gift-cards for restaurants, right? If you don't want to "suck it up" and use them yourself, then I would buy some food and take them out in doggy bags and give them to poor/potentially homeless people.

paperpusher · October 2014

I'm sure there are lots of places around accepting donations and stuff since Thanksgiving is coming up.

AddieCake · October 2014

I see no reason not to use them on yourself.

lilacck28 · October 2014

WTF? That sounds like what happened to me in high school. I was ambushed at lunch by my supposed friends with "you're making us feel uncomfortable. You don't filter anything. There are boys at our table. Don't start a conversation about sexual violence in our culture." Myopic, petty jerks.

Don't return the gift, don't talk to her outside of absolutely necessary work conversations, and don't give this person another thought.

BrandNewJ · October 2014

doeydo said:

They're gift-cards for restaurants, right? If you don't want to "suck it up" and use them yourself, then I would buy some food and take them out in doggy bags and give them to poor/potentially homeless people.

OP, maybe something changed because you asked for a new job within the company and she has feelings about that?

@doeydo‌ I love this because it reminds me of a very dear friend I have from Ottawa. She came to visit in LA, so I took her to a very LA hotspot for lunch. We got a lot of food, and took what we didn't eat, didn't even touch, to-go with us. As we were walking around a street with a lot of homeless people, she decided that she wanted to give all of our untouched food to them.

She told all of them it was untouched and where it came from. The first one refused to take it, rather asked for the monetary value instead. The second one did the same, but actually asked for a specific the of drug instead. Finally, the third took it, and she was so happy she was finally able to give someone food. We turn to cross the street. As we're waiting for the sign to change, the man tossed the food hard into the trash can right next to her. She started crying.

So this suggestion could go different ways. I like the idea of giving it away to a charity or animal shelter, or trading the card through an online company. Some will give you cash for it but will take a piece if you prefer cash.

paperpusher · October 2014

@BrandNewJ she has no idea I've applied for another job. Only 4 people there know I've submitted for it - HR, my supervisor, the head of the department the job is for and me.

BrandNewJ · October 2014

paperpusher said:

@BrandNewJ she has no idea I've applied for another job. Only 4 people there know I've submitted for it - HR, my supervisor, the head of the department the job is for and me.

Geez. That's all I got. Sorry this happened to you

huskypuppy14 · October 2014

sarals24 said:

SO WEIRD I could have written this. A girl at work in my department (who I was pretty good friends with, we would hang out outside of work with a few other people, etc) confided in me that she was "hooking up" with another person at work, not in our department. Well, that guy was (is) married. I was not impressed. I didn't say anything to her but I made it clear that I never wanted to hear about it again.
She comes to my wedding, gives me a really nice present off the registry, and sure enough, a few months later, gets called into our supervisor's office and reprimanded (and written up, etc) for the issue. Since she claims that I was the only one who knew, she blames me. I never said a word, and I told her so. But her behavior around the guy had made others talk about it, and I never stood up for her (BECAUSE IT WAS TRUE, AND GROSS).

Anyway, she stops talking to me, which made work EXTREMELY awkward since we were a four-person department and planned events, sooooo yeah. I could literally see into her office from my office, and she wouldn't speak to me at all. She eventually put in her two weeks notice, and ASKED ME FOR THE WEDDING PRESENT BACK.

Yeah, no.

I hope the guy was written up to? It takes two to tango.

Anyway, OP don't return the gift, that is petty. Give it to another friend, I'm sure someone would enjoy it.

misshart00 · October 2014

scribe95 said:

Definitely don't return the gift. That is rude. It was given months ago before the issues and should be treated with respect. I mean, if she had given you a household item you had used you would never give it back right?

This. All I can think of is what if you have a falling out in 5-10 years with a friend? Would you return the used blender to them?

beethery · October 2014

AddieCake said:

I see no reason not to use them on yourself.

I am the type of dick who would say to FI after telling him about this lady's behavior, "Want to go out to dinner courtesy of loony bitch? Because I'm hungry."

ashsmash07 · October 2014

I would keep and use the gift cards. A girl I worked with(first friend I made since moving to the area) decided we could no longer be friends. No reason was given, I got engaged then she got engaged and the friendship was apparently over. There was no wedding talk, nothing. One day she just told our mutual friend she didn't want to be friends with me anymore and wouldn't even acknowledge me at work. I would feel absolutely no guilt or weirdness using the giftcard and going out for a nice meal.

sarals24 · October 2014

@huskypuppy14 He was. I only knew about hers because it was in my department and word got out. He ended up leaving also, so I heard about his later. Apparently she wasn't the first person that this had happened with.

loveislouder · October 2014

I'm over here thinking that she's the petty one. She wants to end your friendship and won't give you a reason? What is this... grade 8?

hellohkb · October 2014

RebeccaFlower said:
Maybe to flip it... probably because I'm a asshole, part of me says use the cards, enjoy a margarita and revel that crazy bitch paid for it.

I hate to say it but I agree with this!

Kauris · October 2014

You could do a knottie raffle. Take all the names that have commented, put them in a bag, draw one out and send one of us the gift cards. I'm sure one of us would happily have a meal courtesy of weirdo co-worker.

allispain · October 2014

kasmith1 said:

You could do a knottie raffle. Take all the names that have commented, put them in a bag, draw one out and send one of us the gift cards. I'm sure one of us would happily have a meal courtesy of weirdo co-worker.

This. I vote this.

Actually, I vote donate them to a local charity, if there is one in your area that would accept them.

NWR: WWYD - ending friendships and returning gifts

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