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MOG did not chip in for photos, but they want the disk ...

PennsylPennsyl member
Fourth Anniversary 10 Comments
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Oh dear ...

I've just been through a rather long ordeal w/ DD's wedding. Grooms family = complete, awkward cheapskates. They came through on the rehearsal dinner and officiant (though not without a LOT of prodding and reminders on my part). Nothing else - no gifts for the bride and groom, no $$$ toward a honeymoon - nothing!

We paid a premium for a really good photographer, who supplies all of the photos on the disk.  The MOG evidently thinks I will give her complete access to this disk, even though she did not offer one penny toward the photography costs.

My intention is to send any photos of the groom's family to her, but not the entire disk.  DD thinks this will cause drama and is pressuring me to just share with everyone, which I am not about to do.

Thoughts?











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Re: MOG did not chip in for photos, but they want the disk ...

  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I would just make a copy of the disk and send it to her.

    My MIL didn't contribute or our wedding.  No big deal.  She isn't required.   I gave her access to the disk.   Heck I gave pretty  much anyone who wanted access a copy (although most just wanted pictures of themselves).  


    It's not a hill I willing to die on, but if you want to go ahead.  I think it's kind of silly and kind of petty.






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  • ashley8918ashley8918 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Um, why?

    No one is obligated to pay for ANYTHING. This includes the grooms parents paying for the rehearsal and officiant. They absolutely did not have to, and it was rude as hell to "prod" them about it.

    You sounds super judgemental and petty. What a stupid thing to withhold. It's not like they are asking you to buy prints for them. Your daughter is absolutely right. Just share the damn pictures.
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  • beetherybeethery member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Nobody but the B&G is required to pay for the wedding. It was nice of you to pay for what you did pay for. But, just because someone didn't pony up doesn't mean they owe you anything.

    Send her a copy of the disc. It'll cost you less than a dollar and probably upgrade the little superiority feeling you have going on here.
    --

    I'm the fuck     out.

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  • daria24daria24 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    is there a cost associated with the disc (as in, do you need to pay the photographer for another copy, pay him/her for additional rights, etc?) If not, just give her a copy of the damn disk. I made copies for both sets of parents. I gave all our guests full access in case they wanted any of them. Hell I even paid for prints of certain ones that were requested by family members. Why wouldn't you give her digital copies? If you refuse, you just look petty and vindictive.

    Now if there is a cost to get an additional disk, or they wanted prints, then that cost is on them. 
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  • dcbride86dcbride86 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer

    My fiance's family is paying only for the rehearsal dinner, and FI and I are paying for the hotel room for the officiant and his wife (he's a good friend of FI's, so that will be his "payment").  I would be MORTIFIED if my mom - after very graciously offering to pay for my entire wedding - acted like this.  You said that you paid a premium for a great photog.  That's super nice of you and I hope you and your family enjoy the pictures - but your son in law's mother should not be expected to pay for something that YOU chose to pay a premium for.

     

    I think you should just give her a copy of the disc.  Is it really worth causing potential issues in your daughter's brand new marriage with her brand new in-laws?

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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Pennsyl said:
    Oh dear ...

    I've just been through a rather long ordeal w/ DD's wedding. Grooms family = complete, awkward cheapskates. They came through on the rehearsal dinner and officiant (though not without a LOT of prodding and reminders on my part). Nothing else - no gifts for the bride and groom, no $$$ toward a honeymoon - nothing!

    We paid a premium for a really good photographer, who supplies all of the photos on the disk.  The MOG evidently thinks I will give her complete access to this disk, even though she did not offer one penny toward the photography costs.

    My intention is to send any photos of the groom's family to her, but not the entire disk.  DD thinks this will cause drama and is pressuring me to just share with everyone, which I am not about to do.

    Thoughts?











    JIC
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    You are being nasty for no reason. I seriously can't believe an adult would think this way, or behave this way. Since you're acting like a child, I'm going to reply to you as a child: 
    Shame on you. Sharing is fun, and it's the right thing to do, especially in this situation. 
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  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Hmmm. Well I agree with PPs on the first point, but maybe not the second. I agree with PPs that OP, you shouldn't be so upset that the groom's parents didn't pay for very much; no one but the bride and groom was under any obligation to pay. Take pride in the fact you threw your daughter a lovely wedding and be grateful in the help you got from his parents, knowing they didn't really have to give anything at all.

    But I'm going to deviate just a little bit from popular opinion on the photos.

    She who pays, says. OP bought the photos and spent a pretty penny on them. I would definitely be turned off if someone else in the family just assumed they should get 100% for free what someone else likely paid through the nose for (like we didn't even buy the CD ourselves because it was so expensive). So I understand OPs resentment in this case and I don't think she's off base being annoyed about it to herself and venting about it at a place like this.

    BUT, OP, to keep the peace, I'd be a bigger person here. Assuming there are no protections on the disk and no special printing rights you're required to abide by, it would be really nice of you to give a copy to the groom's parents. Perhaps use it as a Christmas present?

    If you withhold it, it might put your daughter in an uncomfortable situation and/or put you in a bad light. I understand being annoyed, but let it go. You just gave your daughter a wonderful wedding. Let that be how the in-laws think of you, rather than "the woman that's holding our son's wedding pictures hostage."

    Now... if there's actually some sort of copy protection, or if you signed a contract that said you won't distribute the pictures... If you or them could technically get into some sort of trouble for sharing the disk, then you can have a dialogue about it and try to figure out a solution, if there is one. But if this isn't an issue... try to let it go. Good luck!
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    aurianna said:
    Hmmm. Well I agree with PPs on the first point, but maybe not the second. I agree with PPs that OP, you shouldn't be so upset that the groom's parents didn't pay for very much; no one but the bride and groom was under any obligation to pay. Take pride in the fact you threw your daughter a lovely wedding and be grateful in the help you got from his parents, knowing they didn't really have to give anything at all.

    But I'm going to deviate just a little bit from popular opinion on the photos.

    She who pays, says. OP bought the photos and spent a pretty penny on them. I would definitely be turned off if someone else in the family just assumed they should get 100% for free what someone else likely paid through the nose for (like we didn't even buy the CD ourselves because it was so expensive). So I understand OPs resentment in this case and I don't think she's off base being annoyed about it to herself and venting about it at a place like this.

    BUT, OP, to keep the peace, I'd be a bigger person here. Assuming there are no protections on the disk and no special printing rights you're required to abide by, it would be really nice of you to give a copy to the groom's parents. Perhaps use it as a Christmas present?

    If you withhold it, it might put your daughter in an uncomfortable situation and/or put you in a bad light. I understand being annoyed, but let it go. You just gave your daughter a wonderful wedding. Let that be how the in-laws think of you, rather than "the woman that's holding our son's wedding pictures hostage."

    Now... if there's actually some sort of copy protection, or if you signed a contract that said you won't distribute the pictures... If you or them could technically get into some sort of trouble for sharing the disk, then you can have a dialogue about it and try to figure out a solution, if there is one. But if this isn't an issue... try to let it go. Good luck!
    So what was the groom's family supposed to do, hire a second photographer just so they could have pictures?? The wedding is over. OP has the disc. It will cost her NOTHING EXTRA to let the groom's family upload the photos to their own computer. 

    Were you even planning on sharing the pics with your daughter? You know she could just turn around and give them to her in-laws. Handing it over yourself just saves her the trouble and saves you from looking like an asshole. Or should your daughter have hired her own private photographer too? Maybe everyone should come with a paparazzo to weddings. 
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  • slothiegalslothiegal member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    This is so stupid.  Give her a copy of the disk.

    I sent out the website with our photos to anyone who asked.  Mom, Dad, in-laws, grandparents, friends.....shit, I'd post it here if I thought anyone was interested.
    Anniversary

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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    slothiegal said:
    This is so stupid.  Give her a copy of the disk.

    I sent out the website with our photos to anyone who asked.  Mom, Dad, in-laws, grandparents, friends.....shit, I'd post it here if I thought anyone was interested.
    My photographer just mailed me a stack of 100 business cards with details for all our guests to view our online gallery, from which they can download full res copies or order prints. We're sending them out with our Christmas cards.
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  • tammym1001tammym1001 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    aurianna said:
    Hmmm. Well I agree with PPs on the first point, but maybe not the second. I agree with PPs that OP, you shouldn't be so upset that the groom's parents didn't pay for very much; no one but the bride and groom was under any obligation to pay. Take pride in the fact you threw your daughter a lovely wedding and be grateful in the help you got from his parents, knowing they didn't really have to give anything at all.

    But I'm going to deviate just a little bit from popular opinion on the photos.

    She who pays, says. OP bought the photos and spent a pretty penny on them. I would definitely be turned off if someone else in the family just assumed they should get 100% for free what someone else likely paid through the nose for (like we didn't even buy the CD ourselves because it was so expensive). So I understand OPs resentment in this case and I don't think she's off base being annoyed about it to herself and venting about it at a place like this.

    BUT, OP, to keep the peace, I'd be a bigger person here. Assuming there are no protections on the disk and no special printing rights you're required to abide by, it would be really nice of you to give a copy to the groom's parents. Perhaps use it as a Christmas present?

    If you withhold it, it might put your daughter in an uncomfortable situation and/or put you in a bad light. I understand being annoyed, but let it go. You just gave your daughter a wonderful wedding. Let that be how the in-laws think of you, rather than "the woman that's holding our son's wedding pictures hostage."

    Now... if there's actually some sort of copy protection, or if you signed a contract that said you won't distribute the pictures... If you or them could technically get into some sort of trouble for sharing the disk, then you can have a dialogue about it and try to figure out a solution, if there is one. But if this isn't an issue... try to let it go. Good luck!
    This is like the IL's saying they paid for the rehearsal dinner so the MOB isn't allowed to eat the food there. There's only one photographer at a wedding so in your scenario nobody else gets pictures except the MOB because she paid. That's insane! The only other option would have been for the POG to hire their own photographer. I'm certain that would have caused many more problems.

    OP it sounds to me like you're bitter because you don't think the POGs paid for enough stuff for the wedding. You need to get over that and just share the pictures with them. If you were my mom I would be pissed at you that you are purposefully making my relationship with my IL's difficult just to be spiteful.

    FWIW, DH and I paid for our entire wedding by ourselves, including the photographer, and we not only shared copies of the disc with our parents but we also ordered prints for anyone that attended the wedding that wanted them. I was happy that so many people wanted pictures to remember our wedding day.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited October 2014
    You are behaving like a petty brat. What's the point of holding these pictures hostage? The grooms parents are under NO obligation to pay for anything. If you paid for the entire wedding (mostly), that was your choice, and you shouldn't be penalizing them because you think they should have paid for more. Grow up. 

    My husband and I paid 100% in full for the photographer. What would you say, as a mother, if I told my mom should couldn't have any pictures because she didn't pay for the service. You're basically doing the same thing. 
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  • melbensomelbenso member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    Send her the photos.  We paid for our photographer - and pretty much everything else for our wedding - ourselves.  Each set of parents got a copy of the disk with all of the wedding photos on it.  It doesn't hurt you at all to let her have pictures of her son's wedding.
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  • RebeccaFlowerRebeccaFlower member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I'm baffled that a grown adult is being so bitchy for absuluetly no reason. Did you not give your grandparents a senior photo because they didn't pay? Grow the fuck up. 
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  • LDay2014LDay2014 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    OP, did you attend the rehearsal?
    I'm assuming you likely ate whatever was offered and that your daughter was also in fact married but the officiant they paid for. Stop behaving like a child. This is your daughters and their sons wedding. NOT YOURS.

    Shame on you for judging your daughters inlaws and putting her in the middle. This is not your circuses, these are not your monkeys.

    I bet your daughter regrets having let you pay for the photographer if this is the attitude that comes along with it.
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  • emmyg65emmyg65 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    Send them an invoice for the photos they want.

    Jkjk. You're being petty. Share those photos, lady! These people are going to be in your life for a long time. Don't start off on the wrong foot.
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  • cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Pennsyl said:
    Oh dear ...

    I've just been through a rather long ordeal w/ DD's wedding. Grooms family = complete, awkward cheapskates. They came through on the rehearsal dinner and officiant (though not without a LOT of prodding and reminders on my part). Nothing else - no gifts for the bride and groom, no $$$ toward a honeymoon - nothing!

    We paid a premium for a really good photographer, who supplies all of the photos on the disk.  The MOG evidently thinks I will give her complete access to this disk, even though she did not offer one penny toward the photography costs.

    My intention is to send any photos of the groom's family to her, but not the entire disk.  DD thinks this will cause drama and is pressuring me to just share with everyone, which I am not about to do.

    Thoughts?

    I am sorry but who the hell are you to your call your son's In laws "complete awkward cheapskates".  I'm sorry, but you seem to be on a very high horse and that is unhealthy!!! These people are now related to your family!!!

    Just give them the damn CD and get down off your horse!

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  • JeeGooDowsterJeeGooDowster member
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I can see how you may feel a teeny tiny bit slighted.  HOWEVER the groom's parents are in no way obligated to pay for anything for the wedding and neither were you.  You are very nice to have helped pay. 

    You don't want to start on the wrong foot and create any unnecessary awkwardness for your daughter and her in-laws.  I think the best way to handle is this is just make a copy of the disc...if you feel like you want to have the  the mother-in-law to "contribute" maybe say something along the lines of "Sure, I can definitely make you a copy, do you happen to have a blank CD?" LOL 

    In the end, just think about your daughter and what would make her happy.
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I see a DD in the future...
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  • marinaandthewavesmarinaandthewaves member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    Are you joking? I can't believe an adult would act in such a way. Neither the POG nor you were in any way obligated to pay for anything, at all, in your daughter's wedding, and the fact that the POG did pay for something should be worthy of thanks from your daughter and son-in-law. And what they did nor did not pay for has absolutely nothing to do with you.

    Give her the disk, you are not a child.
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