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Thank you for your unsolicited advice on something that is not at all your business

flantasticflantastic member
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in Chit Chat
FMIL is trying to figure out with FI what song to choose for the mother/son dance. Initially, she said she was only coming up with songs that would be better for FI and I (dare I read into that?) but did end up giving a couple suggestions. Then she asked if we had picked a song. FI, thinking there would be no issue in telling her and making her feel included, said, "we're going with X" and then expressed opinions on her mother/son suggestions. She wrote back with more suggestions for what our first dance could be, which honestly are terrible and much shallower in feeling.

Why is this a discussion into which you feel you can insert yourself?? It's our first dance. We said we picked it. Enjoy that you have advance knowledge of what it is and don't try to "improve" upon it and make it more your style. Back the fuck off.

Beyond that, the songs that she's suggesting for the two of them have a distinct "I owe everything to you" vibe. But that's unrelated.

What things are people suggesting which you consider totally inappropriate?
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Re: Thank you for your unsolicited advice on something that is not at all your business

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    RebeccaFlowerRebeccaFlower member
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    Ehh. She's probably just trying to be helpful. "Thanks for your suggestion, but we've already chosen our song." Rinse and repeat with a glass of wine. 
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    theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
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    Oh man I thought the subject line was directed at us at first and I got really worried. That's super crappy of her though. Ew.

    A friend of mine is pitching Isagenix all over her FB and it's really pissing me off. She's been on it for 3 days and all of a sudden she's a health and nutrition expert. Um no, it's a giant scam actually. I called her out on falling for it and she was like "well I have nothing to lose, my mom paid for my first 2 months." Except now you're telling all these people that it's a miracle and getting them to buy from your fucking pyramid scheme and they are spending their own money and it's fucking expensive. Ugh.
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    pinkcow13pinkcow13 member
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    Ew. That is so annoying. FMIL is doing the same with us, and keeps telling us she has a list of love songs she can suggest. Um, no thanks. We are more than capable of picking our song, and no we will not tell you in advance what it will be.

    My cousin has been giving me weird advice. I can't even think of an example right now. I just bean dip her.
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    novella1186novella1186 member
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    My mom sounds a lot like your FI's mom. I think they're coming from a good place but for some reason feel the need to stick their nose into everything. I told my mom we did not want a wedding cake (we're looking at other types of deserts because both FI and I do not like cake) so she says "well such and such bakery makes good cakes. What about red velvet?" and then won't let it go. No. I didn't say give me cake suggestions! I said we do not want cake! Ugh. It's frustrating and definitely gets annoying, but like I said, I think she means well. 
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    flantasticflantastic member
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    edited October 2014
    lolo883 said:
    Oh man I thought the subject line was directed at us at first and I got really worried. That's super crappy of her though. Ew.

    Ha, yeah sorry I forgot that's practically a bingo square. FI's handling it fine, but I am just foreseeing a lifetime of bean dipping and I'd prefer that we be able to set up for her some better expectations of only offering advice on certain topics when it is sought. She thinks she's an expert on everything and asks for credit for everything. Maybe it'll just take years of "Thank you, but no" and she'll give up. 

    I also think I'm still somewhat bitter with her from her previous underhandedness... I know this particular thing isn't a huge deal, but seriously, woman, take a look at your life.
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    sarawifenowsarawifenow member
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    edited October 2014

    I can see how that would be annoying. I would probably just let it go and chalk it up to her being excited. What song did you choose btw??? Now I am dying to know!

     

    ETA: To answer your question. I have a "friend" who has now taken it upon herself to give me advice for conceiving a child (she is pregnant). I just told her that I haven't even been married for 2 weeks so please back off this subject.

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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    KatieinBklnKatieinBkln member
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    flantastic said:
    lolo883 said:
    Oh man I thought the subject line was directed at us at first and I got really worried. That's super crappy of her though. Ew.

    Ha, yeah sorry I forgot that's practically a bingo square. FI's handling it fine, but I am just foreseeing a lifetime of bean dipping and I'd prefer that we be able to set up for her some better expectations of only offering advice on certain topics when it is sought. She thinks she's an expert on everything and asks for credit for everything. Maybe it'll just take years of "Thank you, but no" and she'll give up. 

    I also think I'm still somewhat bitter with her from her previous underhandedness... I know this particular thing isn't a huge deal, but seriously, woman, take a look at your life.
    She sounds like a person who needs to have limited information about your life going forward (obviously she's gonna know things about the wedding, but she doesn't have to know, say, whether you feed your future children homemade baby food, for example. "The grandkids are doing great!" seems like the max amount of knowledge you'll need to share).

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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    That's annoying!! 

    I had told my MIL that I was asking one of my best friends to do a reading during the ceremony. After I asked him and he accepted, she told me I should have her step-daughter/H's step-sister do the reading instead, because she's good at public speaking. Never mind the fact that I wanted to honor someone close to us. Let's just pick someone good at reading! H is not really close with his step-sister either. They were all adults when MIL and H's step-father married. We see them like twice a year. 
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    flantastic said:
    What things are people suggesting which you consider totally inappropriate?
    People I'm not close with asked me to describe the lingerie I was taking on our honeymoon and suggested additional items. Just...no. 
    *********************************************************************************

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    novella1186novella1186 member
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    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    That's annoying!! 

    I had told my MIL that I was asking one of my best friends to do a reading during the ceremony. After I asked him and he accepted, she told me I should have her step-daughter/H's step-sister do the reading instead, because she's good at public speaking. Never mind the fact that I wanted to honor someone close to us. Let's just pick someone good at reading! H is not really close with his step-sister either. They were all adults when MIL and H's step-father married. We see them like twice a year. 
    Lol this is funny to me. You should have said "great idea! And I'm going to pick my bridesmaids based on who does the best job of standing up!" 
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    steph861steph861 member
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    My mom suggested my parents' first dance song (some shitty 80s song that I've never heard of). I couldn't tell whether or not she was joking...
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    steph861steph861 member
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    I'm also getting a lot of "what do you mean, you're having an open bar?!" The other day, somebody said I should go with a toonie bar because then I could make some of the money back. *facepalm*
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    novella1186 said:
    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    That's annoying!! 

    I had told my MIL that I was asking one of my best friends to do a reading during the ceremony. After I asked him and he accepted, she told me I should have her step-daughter/H's step-sister do the reading instead, because she's good at public speaking. Never mind the fact that I wanted to honor someone close to us. Let's just pick someone good at reading! H is not really close with his step-sister either. They were all adults when MIL and H's step-father married. We see them like twice a year. 
    Lol this is funny to me. You should have said "great idea! And I'm going to pick my bridesmaids based on who does the best job of standing up!" 
    Hahaha! Right! Who walks the best down an aisle?? 
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    southernbelle0915 said:
    flantastic said:
    What things are people suggesting which you consider totally inappropriate?
    People I'm not close with asked me to describe the lingerie I was taking on our honeymoon and suggested additional items. Just...no. 
    WUT. 
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    wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
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    The first time I lost a bunch of weight, I'd post updates to Facebook every time I hit a milestone (25 pounds lost, 50 pounds lost, etc). I was inundated with all kinds of advice, links, diets, "have you tried X?" nonsense. It drove me nuts. Obviously, whatever I was doing was working, so why all of the help? It's not like I said, "Hey, guys. I can't lose weight. Any tips?" No. I said, "Hey, guys. I've lost 50 pounds! I rock!"

    Anyway, I gained about 50 pounds back, but I've been losing it pretty steadily. It's awesome, and I'm excited and proud, but I haven't said a WORD on Facebook. I don't plan to either, not until I hit my goal weight. Then I can just be like, "Surprise! I'm in shape again! Check me out."
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    theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
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    amelisha said:
    My mother was in tears a few weeks ago because I said "no" to a tiara. I didn't ask her what I should wear on my head, I said "I ordered a cheap veil, so I've got the headpiece stuff figured out."

    That seemed to invite her opinion, though, and I had to hear all about her 90s-prom vision for my hair. But I don't want to be a bad daughter and say "I love you, but you wear sweaters with birdhouses on them and white Sketchers, so I don't think I'll be taking fashion advice from you any time soon."

    I've started defaulting to "Thanks so much for the ideas, mom/friend/random person! I have so much to think about!"...then avoiding the subject until they've forgotten about it.
    LMAOing at this. Do we have the same mom?
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    BrandNewJBrandNewJ member
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    edited October 2014
    My dad asked where we planned on registering. I told him crate and barrel and macys. HE SENDS ME A LINK TO HONEYFUND THAT HE SAW ON SHARKTANK!!! BrandnewJ, check this out, it looks really interesting! "Thanks Dad, but they take a percentage away from the person giving the money, and I'd rather get the full check". Thankfully, he's a CFO, and understands dollars and sense!

     ETA: thanks @lolo883 ‌ , it's a Monday :)
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    theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
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    BrandNewJ said:
    My dad asked where we planned on registering. I told him crate and barrel and macys. HE SENDS ME A LINK TO HONEYFUND THAT HE SAW ON SHARKTANK!!! BrandnewJ, check this out, it looks really interesting! "Thanks Dad, but they take a percentage away from the person giving the money, and I'd rather get the full check". Thankfully, he's a CFO, and understands dollars and cents common sense!
    FTFY.
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    LadyMillilLadyMillil member
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    steph861 said:
    I'm also getting a lot of "what do you mean, you're having an open bar?!" The other day, somebody said I should go with a toonie bar because then I could make some of the money back. *facepalm*
    I got that too! I responded with "so you'd rather pay for alcohol than get it for free? I;m not sure I understand this concept"

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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    amelisha said:
    lolo883 said:
    amelisha said:
    My mother was in tears a few weeks ago because I said "no" to a tiara. I didn't ask her what I should wear on my head, I said "I ordered a cheap veil, so I've got the headpiece stuff figured out."

    That seemed to invite her opinion, though, and I had to hear all about her 90s-prom vision for my hair. But I don't want to be a bad daughter and say "I love you, but you wear sweaters with birdhouses on them and white Sketchers, so I don't think I'll be taking fashion advice from you any time soon."

    I've started defaulting to "Thanks so much for the ideas, mom/friend/random person! I have so much to think about!"...then avoiding the subject until they've forgotten about it.
    LMAOing at this. Do we have the same mom?
    It's the uniform they pass out at the annual Mom Meetings, along with that handbook on guilt trips and the video on the horrible car crashes your kid is probably going to get into if they drive anywhere on a highway. When you register early for the meeting you get your choice of a striped polo or Hawaiian shirt for dads, too.
    Totally cracking up at this. My aunt is stuck in the 90s like that too. Thankfully my mom takes me shopping with her, and she lets me guide her in the right direction. 
    However, there was a house on fire last night in the town we live in. So she had to text me at 5:30AM to make sure our smoke detectors are in working order. 
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    peachy13peachy13 member
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    I just posted yesterday on the etiquette board about how annoying it is dealing with unsolicited advice on really anything- but lately, wedding planning. My response to said advice is "oh that's a good idea, thanks!" and then move forward with whatever my FI were planning on doing anyway.
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    mrsdee15mrsdee15 member
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    There is one thing that a minority-frustrating small number of people have suggested, and will not drop.  I have to thank all of you Knotties ahead of time, lots of lurking (and a little posting) for the last two months really made a big impression in terms of etiquette and doing right by our guests, and I'm super grateful for it.

    In particular, two friends of FI's are REALLY into the idea of the honeyfund.  The first time one friend (we'll call her Honeyfund Friend) at work suggested it, he excitedly called me from work (while I was at work) to tell me that Honeyfund Friend suggested this great thing where people can buy different things on your honeymoon.  He told me that Honeyfund Friend specifically wanted to be able to pay for us to "get out of jail" on our honeymoon.  I explained to him that honeyfunds are rude, tacky, and gift-grabby, and that I am vehemently against this idea.  Also, if he ends up in jail in Germany, that is going to be a whole other conversation.

    The worse one was while we were out grabbing some drinks with his good friend and friend's girlfriend.  She and I were chatting, and she asks what we are going to include on our registry.  I said we have no idea, when from out of nowhere FI appears and says, "My friend thinks we should have a honeyfund!  That way people could buy us nice dinners or jail bail or dolphin swims for our honeymoon!  We don't need anything for the house!"  Friend's girlfriend lights up and says this is great, and when they get married all she wants is cash from everyone anyway, so we should do that.  FI tells her that I think it is tacky, which I explain (focusing on the smaller registry approach, we're out getting drinks and really this conversation was sort of uncomfortable).  The rest of the time we're out she tries to convince me that flat-out asking for cash is the way to go.  I am just getting to know the friend's girlfriend, and really didn't want such an awkward conversation basically about money to come up.

    I know that these friends meant no harm, and are just expressing their thoughts.  I also know sometimes FI gets swept up in what his friends are saying.  I just really hope others don't see our wedding as a huge gift grab, which is frustrating because we are trying so hard to host our guests properly and follow etiquette.
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    larrygagalarrygaga member
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    edited October 2014
    People who try to sell me on the gluten free diet EVEN WHEN they know that FI almost died in high school because of his celiacs/crohn's. They didn't know what he could eat then and a 6'3 teenage boy can't survive on ensure. I almost watched my FI starve to death because of gluten free. 

    I already eat pretty much gluten free because it's silly to buy two sets of groceries, so I can attest that it did not make me healthier or skinnier. 

    Eat a goddamn carrot instead of noodles and tell me it's the gluten free making your body feel better.

    Gluten isn't fucking bad, it's the protein that hold the fucking fuck bread the fuck together fuck. That's all it the fuck is. 

    Gluten free trend dieters make me unreasonably angry. 


    EDIT: Oh, wedding related??? People think I should dress my bridesmaids head to toe, because I told them I don't care what they wear. I told them a color, but even my maids want me to at least pick a dress. Everyone is worried that if the bridesmaids don't look like clones my whole marriage will be ruined (exaggeration) SO weird.

    I only care what I wear. 

    Let's be honest. Who here has ever been to a wedding and cares more about what the bridesmaids looked like than the bride? Nobody. That's who.
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    porkchops926porkchops926 member
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    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    amelisha said:
    lolo883 said:
    amelisha said:
    My mother was in tears a few weeks ago because I said "no" to a tiara. I didn't ask her what I should wear on my head, I said "I ordered a cheap veil, so I've got the headpiece stuff figured out."

    That seemed to invite her opinion, though, and I had to hear all about her 90s-prom vision for my hair. But I don't want to be a bad daughter and say "I love you, but you wear sweaters with birdhouses on them and white Sketchers, so I don't think I'll be taking fashion advice from you any time soon."

    I've started defaulting to "Thanks so much for the ideas, mom/friend/random person! I have so much to think about!"...then avoiding the subject until they've forgotten about it.
    LMAOing at this. Do we have the same mom?
    It's the uniform they pass out at the annual Mom Meetings, along with that handbook on guilt trips and the video on the horrible car crashes your kid is probably going to get into if they drive anywhere on a highway. When you register early for the meeting you get your choice of a striped polo or Hawaiian shirt for dads, too.
    Totally cracking up at this. My aunt is stuck in the 90s like that too. Thankfully my mom takes me shopping with her, and she lets me guide her in the right direction. 
    However, there was a house on fire last night in the town we live in. So she had to text me at 5:30AM to make sure our smoke detectors are in working order. 
    I think my mom might have you all beat. She wears puffy paint sweatshirts with mock collars in a contrasting color sewn in. And she sat in the parking lot and called me several times to update me on the progress of the BJs when it was being built in our town. 
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