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Chit Chat
theycallmelinz
member
I don't have kids (that's not a secret), but FI and I want kids, and I feel like kids will be on the way not tooo terribly long after we get married next year, since we're both in our late 20s and I'm one of those 'my biological clock is TICKING!!!' women. That being said, I also have a lot of opinions about kids, and I feel like I see people screwing up ALL the time! Granted, my job is to work with kids who's parents have likely screwed up a LOT. Yes, some kids can just have a bad attitude, but the majority of the kids I work with got where they are now because they practically raised themselves. So I'm a little jaded when it comes to parenting because I'm typically dealing with worst-case scenarios.
NWR: Am I in for a rude awakening?
in Chit Chat
Note: this is going to be long. I'm mostly just venting.
TL;DR: Am I going to have kids and be kicked in the teeth by reality showing me how hard it is to raise a child and teach them basic survival skills?
However, I always get extra stabby (and opinionated) whenever we spend time with FI's brother's kids. Just a quick back story for your info: FI's brother is in early 20s (I think he's 22? maybe 23?) and has 2 small children, ages 4 and 18 mos (first kid isn't his, he adopted the 4 year old). The brother lives with my FILs because he got married super young after knowing this girl about 3 months, caught her cheating with her ex boyfriend about a year after they got married, they divorced, and now brother can't afford to live on his own while paying loads of child support. So these kids get to live with their grandparents (where FI's bro lives) 50% of the time, and like most grandparents, they spoil their grandchildren. I know it happens and that's the joy of grandparents. However, my FMIL is killing me. FBIL doesn't raise the kids. He makes sure they're kept alive, but it's FMIL who caters to their every whim and want and need. And they are never told 'no'.
Oh, you scream when you're put down for a nap? Okay, you don't have to take one.
Oh, you want to be held (4 yr old) even though I'm right in the middle of something? Okay, come here.
It drives me nuts. I see them all the time giving in so they'll stop crying/whining, and it honestly really puts me in a bad mood. Example, this past weekend we were visiting them and went out for breakfast at a buffet before FI and I headed back home. FMIL had FINALLY fixed 4 year old's plate and got him sitting down, FMIL had finally convinced the 18 mo. old to sit down and at least play with her food, and then FMIL was getting up to fix her own plate, and both babies HAD to go with her. Like screamed and cried when their dad (who ate the whole time, didn't get up to help them) told them they needed to stay and eat their food. Of course, FMIL says okay and takes them both with her.
In my head I was like 'nooooo you're only making it harder to break that habit later!!' But I don't say anything because that's FI's family and I'm not about to start that war, even though FI agrees with me on all of this. I even told FI that our future kid is probably going to beat up the 4 year old one day because he's such a whiny baby.
Anyway, the point of this post, is am I in for a rude awakening when I have children of my own? I know that sometimes you have to give in and just give them the damn cookie so they'll shut up, but is it really that hard to make the 4 year old sit down and eat while you fix your own plate? Or rock the baby while she's screaming until she finally falls asleep? I know that part is hard, but it's not impossible, because I've done it with this exact child. I held her for over an hour while she screamed so loud FI thought the neighbors would probably call the cops on us, but I finally got her to sleep and I tell myself it's because I won that battle. I refused to let her get up and play just because she didn't want to take a nap. I don't know. I know I'm being bitchy about this, I just feel like you HAVE to set some of these rules up. I don't know what FMIL is going to do when the kids are 7 and 4. Still be holding both of them and fixing their food at the same time I guess.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: NWR: Am I in for a rude awakening?
That being said, it seems like your FILs have really bad boundaries with your FBIL. I don't necessarily think you and FI would make the same mistakes/fall into the same traps as FBIL since you are aware of what/how you want the GP role to be. I do think that the inconsistency and different parenting can be confusing for kids, and so they'll obviously throw tantrums in public and try to get more attention from the GPs, because they can. With your kids, you can set firmer limits and have a little bit more control over the situation.
Kids of course have personalities. But personalities don't mean you have to let them go without rules.
I'm the fuck out.
Have known my step daughter since age 5 but we got custody and she moved in with us at 12. So certainly there are some extras issues in our situation that aren't normal.
But I always thought I just wouldn't put up with some of the crap I see other friends/parents doing. But when you are a parent 24 hours every day you learn to sort of pick your battles. Otherwise you would be arguing/correcting all the time.
With our daughter we don't bend on grades, chores, back-talking, bedtime and a few others.
But for instance there are things I was really crazy about in the beginning and have let go - I don't care anymore how much she is on her phone/electronics (aside from bedtime ban on them); if she doesn't want to eat what I make I don't stress anymore or force her to and she is responsible for getting herself a sandwich or whatever; if she doesn't put her clean clothes right away I don't care anymore so long as she has dirty clothes ready on Sunday morning for me to wash.
It was just making me stabby. Some might see it as giving in. But we just think of it as prioritizing so she doesn't feel constantly monitored and criticized.
------------------------------------Boxes?
I think this is what bothers me the most. You're picking your battles but still preparing her for life, which is good. I feel like my niece and nephew are truly going to grow up and be little terrors that think they're entitled to everything! "Ohh you don't want to eat what we made? What can I fix you instead?"