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MOG pain in the....

mrsk616mrsk616 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My furture mother in law said some disreceptful things to my fiance about our wedding. He is disappointed she is acting like this and really does not want to include her in anything. She has also been rude about how much she should contribute since its only her on his side. My dad is retired so we only really have 1 income on my side. Its to the point now I dont want to include her in any planning. how would any of you deal with this?
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Re: MOG pain in the....

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    jlemmo89 said:
    My furture mother in law said some disreceptful things to my fiance about our wedding. He is disappointed she is acting like this and really does not want to include her in anything. She has also been rude about how much she should contribute since its only her on his side. My dad is retired so we only really have 1 income on my side. Its to the point now I dont want to include her in any planning. how would any of you deal with this?

    STUCK - 

    You need to keep you mouth shut about anything wedding related. Just be nice, talk about other shit, invite her and treat her like any other guest. Don't accept any money from her.
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  • peachy13peachy13 member
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    Agree with PPs, stop giving out details about your wedding to her and don't accept her money (she's not obligated to pay, anyway). If you pay for your own wedding, you and your FI are planning the wedding, period.
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
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    jlemmo89 said:
    My furture mother in law said some disreceptful things to my fiance about our wedding. He is disappointed she is acting like this and really does not want to include her in anything. She has also been rude about how much she should contribute since its only her on his side. My dad is retired so we only really have 1 income on my side. Its to the point now I dont want to include her in any planning. how would any of you deal with this?
    Did your MIL offer to contribute or did you fi ask her? If she is contributing even one dollar, she gets a say in how that dollar is spent.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    jlemmo89 said:
    My furture mother in law said some disreceptful things to my fiance about our wedding. He is disappointed she is acting like this and really does not want to include her in anything. She has also been rude about how much she should contribute since its only her on his side. My dad is retired so we only really have 1 income on my side. Its to the point now I dont want to include her in any planning. how would any of you deal with this?
    Pay for your own wedding. 

    This.

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  • mrsk616mrsk616 member
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    KatWAG said:
    jlemmo89 said:
    My furture mother in law said some disreceptful things to my fiance about our wedding. He is disappointed she is acting like this and really does not want to include her in anything. She has also been rude about how much she should contribute since its only her on his side. My dad is retired so we only really have 1 income on my side. Its to the point now I dont want to include her in any planning. how would any of you deal with this?
    Did your MIL offer to contribute or did you fi ask her? If she is contributing even one dollar, she gets a say in how that dollar is spent.
    she did not offer to contribute and has complained the whole time about having to contribute since it is only her. we have stopped talking about weddings around her and she still brings it up and or have been short with her. the next step is to be rude by asking her why she even cares but we really dont want to go that far yet.
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    jlemmo89 said:
    KatWAG said:
    jlemmo89 said:
    My furture mother in law said some disreceptful things to my fiance about our wedding. He is disappointed she is acting like this and really does not want to include her in anything. She has also been rude about how much she should contribute since its only her on his side. My dad is retired so we only really have 1 income on my side. Its to the point now I dont want to include her in any planning. how would any of you deal with this?
    Did your MIL offer to contribute or did you fi ask her? If she is contributing even one dollar, she gets a say in how that dollar is spent.
    she did not offer to contribute and has complained the whole time about having to contribute since it is only her. we have stopped talking about weddings around her and she still brings it up and or have been short with her. the next step is to be rude by asking her why she even cares but we really dont want to go that far yet.

    STUCK AGAIN 


    Well yeah she's complaining. She didn't offer and you asked her and now you're mad at her for giving her opinion on something she's paying for?

    This is all you.
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    When you say "my dad is retired so only one income on my side" - where are you in this? Why are you not paying for your own wedding?
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  • peachy13peachy13 member
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    jlemmo89 said:
    KatWAG said:
    jlemmo89 said:
    My furture mother in law said some disreceptful things to my fiance about our wedding. He is disappointed she is acting like this and really does not want to include her in anything. She has also been rude about how much she should contribute since its only her on his side. My dad is retired so we only really have 1 income on my side. Its to the point now I dont want to include her in any planning. how would any of you deal with this?
    Did your MIL offer to contribute or did you fi ask her? If she is contributing even one dollar, she gets a say in how that dollar is spent.
    she did not offer to contribute and has complained the whole time about having to contribute since it is only her. we have stopped talking about weddings around her and she still brings it up and or have been short with her. the next step is to be rude by asking her why she even cares but we really dont want to go that far yet.
    Talk to your FI about what you can financially do. Can you afford to pay for your wedding yourselves? If you can, simply tell her that she doesn't to worry about contributing, that you and your FI are going to be taking care of all costs. Then stop talkign about weddings with her.
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  • sarahuflsarahufl member
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    Tell her you don't want her money.

    It is actually fairly simple.
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  • misshart00misshart00 member
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    I want to know what disrespectful things she said.
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  • mrsk616mrsk616 member
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    ShesSoCold said:
    When you say "my dad is retired so only one income on my side" - where are you in this? Why are you not paying for your own wedding?
    by this i mean what the parents are going to help with, my fi and i are planning on paying for the majority of it but would need a little help for some of it. 
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  • Liatris2010Liatris2010 mod
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    jlemmo89 said:
    ShesSoCold said:
    When you say "my dad is retired so only one income on my side" - where are you in this? Why are you not paying for your own wedding?
    by this i mean what the parents are going to help with, my fi and i are planning on paying for the majority of it but would need a little help for some of it. 
      Scale back your plans, trim the guest list, and pay for the whole thing yourself unless someone else offers. The parents are not obligated to help with anything. Of course your FMIL is feeling saucy, you're asking her for money.
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  • mrsk616mrsk616 member
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    misshart00 said:
    I want to know what disrespectful things she said.
    called both of us retards, when she knows i hate hearing that word because of my sister. it took me a month to be able to even go over there after hearing that. i try not to be rude to her but his relationship is not well with her either. I am at a lost of words of how hurt i am by how she treats us.
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    jlemmo89 said:
    ShesSoCold said:
    When you say "my dad is retired so only one income on my side" - where are you in this? Why are you not paying for your own wedding?
    by this i mean what the parents are going to help with, my fi and i are planning on paying for the majority of it but would need a little help for some of it. 
    To the bolded - nope. Scale back, wait longer, do whatever you need to do to plan and pay for your own wedding. If you parents help, great! Extra dollars! If not, you're covered. 

    Anyone who pays money towards a wedding gets a say in said wedding so if you don't want your FMIL's opinion, don't take her money. And for the love of Christ don't fucking ask her for it.
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  • antibride2013antibride2013 member
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    jlemmo89 said:
    misshart00 said:
    I want to know what disrespectful things she said.
    called both of us retards, when she knows i hate hearing that word because of my sister. it took me a month to be able to even go over there after hearing that. i try not to be rude to her but his relationship is not well with her either. I am at a lost of words of how hurt i am by how she treats us.
    Then just don't talk to her.  Problem solved.  Don't talk about the wedding, nothing.  And like others have said pay for your own party.  Scale back your plans.  If you are old enough to get married, your old enough to pay for your party.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    jlemmo89 said:
    misshart00 said:
    I want to know what disrespectful things she said.
    called both of us retards, when she knows i hate hearing that word because of my sister. it took me a month to be able to even go over there after hearing that. i try not to be rude to her but his relationship is not well with her either. I am at a lost of words of how hurt i am by how she treats us.
    How about you don't communicate with her anymore.  You don't have to see her, you don't have to talk to her.  Your FI most likely understands your feelings on this and he shouldn't blame you for not wanting to be around his Mother.  Let your FI deal with his shitty Mom and you and him plan and pay for a wedding that you and he can afford.

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  • LakeR2014LakeR2014 member
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    antibride2013 said:
    jlemmo89 said:
    misshart00 said:
    I want to know what disrespectful things she said.
    called both of us retards, when she knows i hate hearing that word because of my sister. it took me a month to be able to even go over there after hearing that. i try not to be rude to her but his relationship is not well with her either. I am at a lost of words of how hurt i am by how she treats us.
    Then just don't talk to her.  Problem solved.  Don't talk about the wedding, nothing.  And like others have said pay for your own party.  Scale back your plans.  If you are old enough to get married, your old enough to pay for your party.
    @jlemmo89 No offense sweetie but you're not sounding too nice either.    What made you think it was ok to ask someone else to pay for YOUR wedding?
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
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    jlemmo89 said:
    misshart00 said:
    I want to know what disrespectful things she said.
    called both of us retards, when she knows i hate hearing that word because of my sister. it took me a month to be able to even go over there after hearing that. i try not to be rude to her but his relationship is not well with her either. I am at a lost of words of how hurt i am by how she treats us.
    It sounds like you need to put some serious distance between you and her, and the first step in doing that is NOT using her money for your wedding. She's not required to pay for it, and if you don't want her opinion and she treats you badly then don't force her to be so involved by taking money from her to pay for stuff. 

    Shrink your guest list (in some cases you can save about $1,000 by just eliminating 10 people), scale back on the cake, ditch the champagne toasts, do whatever it takes to pay for it yourself. 
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  • weddingcactusweddingcactus member
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    Pay for your wedding yourself. Cut back as necessary to accomplish this. Do not take your future MIL's money and stop asking other people to pay for your event. They are in no way responsible and it is quite likely that asking your fiance's mother for money that you've either created or worsened the rift between them. Then focus on rebuilding both of your relationship with her. Apologize for any improper behavior on your part and try to forget about the rude comments she made to you. I too am very bothered by the word "retard" for similar reasons and I understand how such a comment can just completely overwhelm you. In all likelihood she used the term in the thoughtless manner that countless people do and you just need to get over it. Set the past aside and try to form a pleasant relationship with your future extended family. 
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  • blabla89blabla89 member
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    jlemmo89 said:
    misshart00 said:
    I want to know what disrespectful things she said.
    called both of us retards, when she knows i hate hearing that word because of my sister. it took me a month to be able to even go over there after hearing that. i try not to be rude to her but his relationship is not well with her either. I am at a lost of words of how hurt i am by how she treats us.
    Okay yeah, putting the issue of asking her to contribute aside for a moment, I can see why you're upset by that. And you would be well within your rights to tell her, "FMIL, it makes me very uncomfortable when you use that word, and I would appreciate if you would not say it again."

    Back to the issue of the wedding, just don't discuss it with her. Don't bring it up. If she brings it up, you can say, "we'd prefer not to discuss the wedding right now. Have you tried the bean dip?" Change the subject, don't engage with her.
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
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    It costs something like $20 to get a marriage certificate. Problem solved.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
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    Wedding = bride, groom, officiant, license. witnesses.   You can't afford this without help from others?
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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
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    @jlemmo89 how over budget are you, or what's over your budget that you think you need help from parents to pay for? The Knotties are very good at finding places to cut back and save money, while still allowing you to have a beautiful event. More details are helpful.
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  • loveislouderloveislouder member
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    blabla89 said:
    We have a few mantras here on the E-board that pertain to your situation:

    1. No one should be expected to help pay for the wedding except the bride and groom.
    2. It's rude to ask for money, or even to hint at it, unless the person has already offered.
    3. Whoever pays gets a say - so accepting someone's contribution does give them influence over your decisions.
    4. If you don't want someone's opinion on your wedding, don't discuss it with them.
    5. If the someone brings up your wedding and you don't want to talk about it with them, bean dip and change the subject.
    You forgot lurk.  If more people lurked around, then we wouldn't be all cranky about having to answer the same question 50 times.
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