Last Name

marg1046 · November 2014

I hope I'm posting this in the correct forum.

I don't know what it is, but as of late, I have had moments of sadness thinking about changing my last name.

I am one of those that is very proud of my family and who I am. I love my last name and my last name also carries weight in my community as we have an established family business. So I feel a very strong connection to my last name as it says who I am. But at the same time, I am also very traditional in the sense that I would love to marry my FH, take his name, and start a family, and all of us have the same last name.

Does anyone else struggle with this? When I've brought it up to my friends they all think I'm crazy because "that's just what you do. You take his last name." I almost feel kind of like a jerk when I get upset about changing my last name to his.

bethsmiles · November 2014

I personally haven't struggled with this (I hate my last name and feel no attachment toward it) but posts like your are fairly common around here so you aren't alone!

Have you considered hyphenating? Or maybe you could move your last name to your middle name? Or you can always keep it if you want to, there's nothing wrong with that! Your FI could always take your last name too. Have you talked about how you're feeling with him?

peachy13 · November 2014

My recently married friend really really struggled with this. She wanted nothing more than to go with tradition and change her last name to her husband's, but she was having a difficult time getting rid of her last name. She ended up legally changing her last name to her husband's last name, but then also replaced her middle name with her maiden name.

theycallmelinz · November 2014

I'm dropping my middle name and just adding my new last name to the end, so my current last name will still BE there, just not as pronounced. I agree with others, have you considered hyphenating?

marg1046 · November 2014

Thanks for all the feedback so far. I have considered hyphenating but he's made the comment of it being "dumb." And he's made it clear that if I WANTED to keep my last name, I absolutely could. But I don't feel like that's necessarily the solution either. I may just legally hyphenate it and use my maiden name for business and my married name for every day life. Is that a thing people do? haha

princessofgenovia · November 2014

I love my last name. Always have. It's a good name. And I didn't want to get rid of it. FI wants us to share a last name, and think it'd be easier for future kid(s). So he's gonna change his last name.

Some of my friends are shocked. Someone made a comment that he "must not be much of a man" since "he's willing to take another man's last name as his own" meaning my father. Which is wrong, my dad took my mom's last name, and also total bullshit because choosing to take, or not take, your partner's last name does not make you less/more of whatever gender.

esstee33 · November 2014

Neither FI nor I are attached to our names at all, but it's very important to both of us that we have the same last name, so we're tossing around the idea of coming up with an entirely new last name that we both love and both changing it to that. If we went that route, we'd likely each move our current last names to a second middle name position, or just ditch it altogether.

Have you suggested that maybe your FI take your last name? Then you'd have the same last name and not have to disassociate yourself with your family name professionally.

flutteringinfl · November 2014

I struggle with this as well. I like my FI's last name and for me personally, taking his last name appeals to me because it helps solidify that unit. But I also have plenty of friends who didn't take their husband's last name and they are no less members of the same family than someone who did do this.

There's also the issue of being "the last of my kind." My only sibling is a sister, who because of health reasons is not likely to have kids or even get married. My dad's sister took her husband's last name so her children have their father's last name too. My dad has one brother, who never had kids. Sure, there are people out there with the same last name as me, but pretty much no one else in our family. So if I changed it and/or passed the new name onto my kids, that would probably be it. So I'm facing pressure to either hyphenate or convince my FI to let our kids have my last name.

There's no one right answer, and both options are difficult. I'm probably going to change my last name legally, but use my maiden name in certain professional circles (where I've already published work under that name). We will likely name any children we have after relatives who have passed on, as is tradition in my culture. I like the idea of passing on names of people we love, miss, and respect, more than my last name. But again, that's just me.

JennyColada · November 2014

I felt a bit sad about it, so I decided to move my maiden name to my middle name and change my middle name.

Now that I've actually changed my name, I really feel indifferent about it. I almost feel odd that I made such an effort to keep my maiden name, and now sort of wish that I would have just kept my middle name and dropped my maiden name totally. Now I just feel like I have a weird middle name.

HaileyDancingbear · November 2014

Your FI can take your last name. I'm all for certain traditions, such as changing names after getting married, but the part of the tradition that dictates the WOMAN must take the MAN'S name, that can go to hell. I personally feel that whichever of you cares more about their last name should keep it, and the other should change it, unless you both want to keep it, in which case you can hyphenate your names.

And all I have to say to your friends who act like you're crazy…

[Deleted User] · November 2014

Agree with PP, hyphenating, or using your maiden name as a middle name sounds like a nice compromise!

novella1186 · November 2014

I've struggled with the last name issue a lot. My wedding is still 6 months out so I have some time to decide, since I haven't decided yet.

One issue is that I'm a published writer, so my work is already out there with my current last name (and writers have to use their names to "brand" themselves). Obviously I can still change my name but still use my current last name as just my "pen name" but it's not the same to me.

The other issue is that my dad has 3 sisters -- no boys. And my dad has two daughters-- no boys. And I'm the youngest. Therefore, I'm the very last to have our last name and that's a weird/sad feeling.

However, I adore FI's family and would love to be part of them by taking their last name, and I know FI would love for me to share his last name with him, although he says he'll respect whichever decision I make.

It's tough to be known for a particular name your whole life and then ditch it for a different one, IMO.

jdluvr06 · November 2014

princessofgenovia said:

I love my last name. Always have. It's a good name. And I didn't want to get rid of it. FI wants us to share a last name, and think it'd be easier for future kid(s). So he's gonna change his last name.

Some of my friends are shocked. Someone made a comment that he "must not be much of a man" since "he's willing to take another man's last name as his own" meaning my father. Which is wrong, my dad took my mom's last name, and also total bullshit because choosing to take, or not take, your partner's last name does not make you less/more of whatever gender.

My dh is currently in the process of changing his last name to mine. My dad died when I was young and the thought of losing that connection with him was something I wasn't wiling to compromise on. Dh wanted to have they same last name. Dh changing his name was our compromise.

LadyMillil · November 2014

maggie12345678 said:

Thanks for all the feedback so far. I have considered hyphenating but he's made the comment of it being "dumb." And he's made it clear that if I WANTED to keep my last name, I absolutely could. But I don't feel like that's necessarily the solution either. I may just legally hyphenate it and use my maiden name for business and my married name for every day life. Is that a thing people do? haha

I feel you on this. It is very important to my DH that I take his last name. I have started to establish a career using my maiden name so I don't want to give it up completely. I was planning on either moving maiden to middle or having 2 last names (I don't like hyphenated names) but the province I live in doesn't accept either as a valid choice for name change after marriage, so either option would require me to legally change my name, including changing my birth certificate, which I REALLY don't want to do. I currently use my married name socially, First Maiden Married professionally and maiden name legally. It can be a pain. This name change BS is one of the few reasons I wish we hadn't moved because my home province accepts First Maiden Married as a valid name change after marriage.

princessofgenovia · November 2014

jdluvr06 said:

princessofgenovia said:

I love my last name. Always have. It's a good name. And I didn't want to get rid of it. FI wants us to share a last name, and think it'd be easier for future kid(s). So he's gonna change his last name.

Some of my friends are shocked. Someone made a comment that he "must not be much of a man" since "he's willing to take another man's last name as his own" meaning my father. Which is wrong, my dad took my mom's last name, and also total bullshit because choosing to take, or not take, your partner's last name does not make you less/more of whatever gender.

My dh is currently in the process of changing his last name to mine. My dad died when I was young and the thought of losing that connection with him was something I wasn't wiling to compromise on. Dh wanted to have they same last name. Dh changing his name was our compromise.

I hadn't even thought of FI changing his name. But I got all upset one day thinking about giving up my last name and he just goes "I'll just take your name, no big deal". I was totally shocked but he has a hyphenated last name and is happy to give it up (both names are very long), and when I asked about his career he goes "Women in my career have been changing their names for eons, I'm sure it'll be fine", dude is awesome.

phira · November 2014

I'm not changing my last name, which surprises AND doesn't surprise a lot of people (and a lot of the same people).

I'm a pretty vocal progressive feminism, and I'm a scientist, so a lot of people have assumed that I won't change my last name to either prove a point about feminism, or because I'm published professionally.

However, I'm estranged from my father and his entire side of the family, and I'm very close to my future in-laws. So a lot of people have assumed that I'd be changing my last name at the first opportunity.

But honestly, I'm not changing my last name because my full name is part of my identity, and I don't see a reason to change it. I do want to have the same last name as future children, and my fiancé and I have been discussing what to do with kids' last names (besides hyphenating). My fiancé doesn't want to change his last name either (he's a junior), so we're just gonna have different last names.

I think it might help you to keep in mind that you can always change your name later. So if you can't decide what to do by the time you're getting married, that's not a deadline.

anjemon · November 2014

I know some people who have kept their maiden name for business. Mostly in the sciences where you publish an article and it's linked to your name. Then when you get married and change your name your article "disappears". Not literally of course, but you stop being associated with your published works. So they kept using the name they're published under.

My Mom did the maiden name to middle name change. It's funny because I didn't find out about it until I was at least 25. But it made her more unique legally. My Dad's last name was super common and so was her first and original middle names, so she liked having something different.

ElcaB · November 2014

Taking a man's last name isn't "just what you do." While it's a choice many women make, that doesn't mean it's mandated.

If you're torn, I'd suggest hyphenating your last name with his. Or, some women decide to take their husband's last name but continue to be known professionally by their maiden name. Or, you can wait until after you're married and decide then --- who knows, once you're married you may feel differently. There is no time stamp on deciding, so consider it and decide when you are ready.

marg1046 · November 2014

Thank you so much everyone for all of your feedback. I'm feeling a little bit better about it now, knowing also that I'm not the only one. I was starting to feel that way. I still have 5 months until we get married it was just one of those things that kept nagging at me.

I'm leaning towards the hyphenated thing, whether he thinks it's "Dumb" or not. ha!

morphemes · November 2014

This is a very personal decision. There is no "right answer" and it's certainly not "something women just do". It's also not a big deal to not have the same last name as your children. My mother never changed her last name, and my siblings and I have our father's last name. This never caused any complications growing up and it certainly didn't make us "less" of a family because my mom had a different last name.

I do not plan on changing my last name, but BF and I have talked about hyphenating both our names. The other option is that we will keep our last names and our children will have my last name. The reality is that there is no wrong decision, except to make a decision based on what you are "expected" to do rather than what you really want.

Kauris · November 2014

I haven't changed my name yet. I said it was because I wanted to make sure I could vote, and part of it was. (I live in Texas, we have a weird voting thing here making it difficult to vote if your name isn't exactly the same on the voter registration and your ID card.)

I'm having difficulty letting it go. I love Smith. I know that's weird. Who loves Smith? No one. It's Smith, it's common. At last estimate and according to howmanyofme.com, there are 2,811,634 of us. I like the anonymity of it. I have a difficult first name and it's the only name that anyone gets right. I have so many Smith jokes, mostly corny, but I love my name. It has been mine for 34 years. No one is ever going to get my name right again, any part of it, DH is from Spain and people butcher his name even though it's really not that difficult.

Will I change it, yes, eventually, but I will move Smith to the middle and I will always be a Smith.

JennyColada · November 2014

kasmith1 said:
I haven't changed my name yet. I said it was because I wanted to make sure I could vote, and part of it was. (I live in Texas, we have a weird voting thing here making it difficult to vote if your name isn't exactly the same on the voter registration and your ID card.)

I'm having difficulty letting it go. I love Smith. I know that's weird. Who loves Smith? No one. It's Smith, it's common. At last estimate and according to howmanyofme.com, there are 2,811,634 of us. I like the anonymity of it. I have a difficult first name and it's the only name that anyone gets right. I have so many Smith jokes, mostly corny, but I love my name. It has been mine for 34 years. No one is ever going to get my name right again, any part of it, DH is from Spain and people butcher his name even though it's really not that difficult.

Will I change it, yes, eventually, but I will move Smith to the middle and I will always be a Smith.

Something my mom said to me when I was discussing my name and I said "I'm [my maiden name]! I've had it for 30 years, I don't want to lose it!" She replied "yea well I'm [her maiden name]."

It kind of put it in perspective and I never thought of my mom like that. She's always been [my maiden name] to me. I never thought of her any other way.

I guess it just made me feel better about changing my name. Because I'm like "my mom did it too, and she's great!"

wandajune6 · November 2014

I planned to change my name. DH said he didn't care one way or another, though he assumed I would change it. When I told him that I planned to change my mind, he seemed apathetic.

I love the idea of sharing his name. I love the idea of the tradition, having the same name as his son, etc.

But I realized I can't do it. I love my name. I love my family. I love the rarity of my name. I'm just not comfortable doing it.

DH is ok with me not changing my name. We also know that I can change it later, if I change my mind. For now, I'm happy keeping my name. It's what's right for me. I know his family isn't happy about my decision but it's ultimately my decision, with input from DH.

This is your decision. It is also a lot easier to change your name to his later than to switch it back to yours.

daria24 · November 2014

I didn't struggle because I was always 100% certain I wouldn't change my last name. There are a lot of reasons, but it doesn't matter what they are. Your name, your choice.

The advice I usually give to women is that you don't have to change it right away. Some women rush out to the SS/DMV the week they get back from their honeymoon. Some of them will put it off for 6 months. I have a few friends who go by "Mrs. Smith" socially but never actually legally changed their name. That is absolutely an option for you. You can always, at some point in the future, go and change your name if you aren't ready to do it the second you get married.

Denise40 · November 2014

I am older and having been married 31 years(divorce was final 2 weeks ago), I changed to then exes last name. 31 years of being called by that name, it's hard thinking about being called by something else. That being said, when fiancé and I get married in 2 years, I will take his name. He said I didn't have to, but I don't feel right having my exes name while being married to someone else. It's your choice. Do what makes you feel good!

luckya23 · November 2014

I never intended to take his name, which was one of my requirements that he be fine with (ex was not)!

However as it gets closer he seems a little sad about it. Our compromise was supposed to be that I don't go over the top correcting anyone who addresses me by his name.

Maybe some day it will feel right to change it, but I couldn't ever change back, so I'm just waiting to see. Even though our marriage license asks what my name will be after marriage, I'm sure there are ways to change it afterwards. We don't have the option of just changing our middle names here, either, so to get rid of that sucker I would still have to do an official name change.

phira · November 2014

maggie12345678 said:

Thank you so much everyone for all of your feedback. I'm feeling a little bit better about it now, knowing also that I'm not the only one. I was starting to feel that way. I still have 5 months until we get married it was just one of those things that kept nagging at me.

I'm leaning towards the hyphenated thing, whether he thinks it's "Dumb" or not. ha!

Your name is your name, so if you end up being Yourlast-Hislast, it's pretty damn rude for him to call your name dumb!

paperpusher · November 2014

When DH and I went to get our marriage license we had to provide the names we will be using after the wedding. I automatically said I'd be taking his last name. It always seemed like a 'Duh' and a no brainer to me.

It wasn't until closer to the wedding and afterwards did I get sad and not want to change it.
Kept saying "I'm (maiden name)! Not (new name)! (New name) is his mom and his grandmother! Not me!"
But I did. I took a day off work and did all my running around. I wasn't as attached to my old name as I thought!

Couggal12 · November 2014

I haven't changed my last name yet because I am also struggling with what I want to do. I figure there's no rush to change it until I am certain of what I want to do. My last name is ridiculously long so most likely if I change it I will make my maiden name my middle name.

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 · November 2014

I struggled with this in a way. I actually spoke to my mom about it and she helped me feel less guilty at changing my name. I felt like I was betraying my family, but she said I was making a little family of my own, so I shouldn't feel like I was leaving them, or anyone.

southernbelle0915 · November 2014

There's a thread about this on the customs and traditions board that's worth a read though.

I kept mine. I wasn't ready to give it up for a lot of the same reasons you seem to have. If I decide down the road that I really want to change it, I can. Check your local laws for details on that if you are considering that though. I knew if I changed mine without being 100% ready and on board with it that I would be unhappy. I wasn't when we got married so I kept my name. I probably will forever but time will tell.

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