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HELP! Mother of the groom is fussing about our "no kids" decision

futuremrstarltonfuturemrstarlton member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Reception Forum
We are having an evening downtown wedding next year which my parents are hosting. My fiancé and I chose a smaller venue (holds 150 MAX) on the assumption we are having "no kids". My mom is one of 7, which means on one side of my family I have 23 cousins. FIRST COUSINS. Because of the head count, we decided to keep the guest list at 21+, so many of my first cousins will not be invited. My fiancé has a very small family... one sister, one niece, 2 cousins (his age), and a second cousin who will be 6. My mother in law does not understand why we cannot make an exception to invite his SECOND cousin. My rationale is that it wouldn't be fair to invite some kids, and not all; therefore, we chose to invite none. She has been throwing screaming fits, crying and hollering, saying that my family is horrible for not wanting to include his second cousin. We have continuously stated that it is not fair to make exceptions for certain children, as others would be upset. Also, our venue is not kid-friendly. There is just not enough space. She says that she is going to have this little one show up at the wedding and doesn't care what we think... I do not know how to get through to her. I think it she is being extremely disrespectful of our wishes. Because of her behavior, now my fiancé is changing his opinion and saying, well maybe we should just make an exception. I don't think I should have to compromise on this!! Please help!!! This debacle has been going on for a year now. 
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Re: HELP! Mother of the groom is fussing about our "no kids" decision

  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    futuremrstarlton said:
    We are having an evening downtown wedding next year which my parents are hosting. My fiancé and I chose a smaller venue (holds 150 MAX) on the assumption we are having "no kids". My mom is one of 7, which means on one side of my family I have 23 cousins. FIRST COUSINS. Because of the head count, we decided to keep the guest list at 21+, so many of my first cousins will not be invited. My fiancé has a very small family... one sister, one niece, 2 cousins (his age), and a second cousin who will be 6. My mother in law does not understand why we cannot make an exception to invite his SECOND cousin. My rationale is that it wouldn't be fair to invite some kids, and not all; therefore, we chose to invite none. She has been throwing screaming fits, crying and hollering, saying that my family is horrible for not wanting to include his second cousin. We have continuously stated that it is not fair to make exceptions for certain children, as others would be upset. Also, our venue is not kid-friendly. There is just not enough space. She says that she is going to have this little one show up at the wedding and doesn't care what we think... I do not know how to get through to her. I think it she is being extremely disrespectful of our wishes. Because of her behavior, now my fiancé is changing his opinion and saying, well maybe we should just make an exception. I don't think I should have to compromise on this!! Please help!!! This debacle has been going on for a year now. 
    Are you splitting up any families? Like, Uncle Fritz and Aunt Bobo's 22-year-old son Bung is invited, but their 18-year-old daughter Bootsie isn't?
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  • atlastmrsgatlastmrsg member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I had to have this discussion with one of my husband's aunt's.  She wanted exception for her daughter to bring a baby who was breastfeeding.  I calmly explained that I had family who wasn't attending because their toddlers weren't invited to our adult event, and it would be unfair to make an exception.  I left it at that, said I hoped she understood, and that I'd understand if the daughter wasn't able to make it so she could stay home with the baby.  And that's what she did--she stayed home. 

    Make sure your DOC/planner is clear about your decision.  In the unlikely event that someone brings the 6-year-old, DOC needs to know that child isn't on list, and person with child and child will be turned away.  

    I had a friend I was worried about bringing her baby to our wedding.  She kept saying it "wasn't a problem" because the baby wouldn't eat or drink anything.  But it wasn't about that.  My DOC had instructions to send them home.  They showed up sans baby, but didn't stay after dinner.  They ate and left, which was fine.  I was happy they could come for however long they had childcare/felt okay leaving baby at home. 
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    I think actually if the baby is breastfeeding you ARE supposed to let them bring the child.
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  • CTYankeeBrideCTYankeeBride member
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    Definitely stand your ground.  Your FI needs to stand the same ground and he needs to handle his mother. As pp stated, otherwise you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of these tantrums.

    I caution you against splitting up families using the 21+ cutoff. For instance if you have a family where one son is 22 and one is 19 then inviting just the 22 year old is impolite- you should be inviting both siblings in that case.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I'm going to side against everyone here.

    Are you inviting all what like 14 of your aunts and uncles? Just on your moms side? And his side total is what like 7 people? I'd let her invite that one kid and no others. She's been upset about it for a year and is probably feeling a bit overshadowed by your huge family. If anyone else complains about one child being there they are being rude.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    RachelLee83 said:
    I think actually if the baby is breastfeeding you ARE supposed to let them bring the child.
    No.  Even if a Mom is breastfeeding you still don't have to include the baby.  Is it a super nice gesture?  Yes.  But it is not a requirement.

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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    STARMOON44 said:
    I'm going to side against everyone here. Are you inviting all what like 14 of your aunts and uncles? Just on your moms side? And his side total is what like 7 people? I'd let her invite that one kid and no others. She's been upset about it for a year and is probably feeling a bit overshadowed by your huge family. If anyone else complains about one child being there they are being rude.
    I totally agree with this. 

    You're fine to invite some kids and not all. We only invited my cousin's daughter's and H's step-sister's kids. That's it. And no one said a word to us about it. 
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  • futuremrstarltonfuturemrstarlton member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Luckily, we haven't run into any instances where we'd have to split up families to stick to our rule. Also, I should mention that we have split the number of guests to invite evenly, my family gets 50, his family gets 50, and my fiance and I get 50. So it wouldn't be that my family is inviting more people.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    RachelLee83 said:
    I think actually if the baby is breastfeeding you ARE supposed to let them bring the child.
    Nope.  Breastfeeding a baby does not require that the baby be invited along with the mother.  It does require that the hosts accept her decision not to attend without the baby if she makes that decision.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    futuremrstarlton said:
    We are having an evening downtown wedding next year which my parents are hosting. My fiancé and I chose a smaller venue (holds 150 MAX) on the assumption we are having "no kids". My mom is one of 7, which means on one side of my family I have 23 cousins. FIRST COUSINS. Because of the head count, we decided to keep the guest list at 21+, so many of my first cousins will not be invited. My fiancé has a very small family... one sister, one niece, 2 cousins (his age), and a second cousin who will be 6. My mother in law does not understand why we cannot make an exception to invite his SECOND cousin. My rationale is that it wouldn't be fair to invite some kids, and not all; therefore, we chose to invite none. She has been throwing screaming fits, crying and hollering, saying that my family is horrible for not wanting to include his second cousin. We have continuously stated that it is not fair to make exceptions for certain children, as others would be upset. Also, our venue is not kid-friendly. There is just not enough space. She says that she is going to have this little one show up at the wedding and doesn't care what we think... I do not know how to get through to her. I think it she is being extremely disrespectful of our wishes. Because of her behavior, now my fiancé is changing his opinion and saying, well maybe we should just make an exception. I don't think I should have to compromise on this!! Please help!!! This debacle has been going on for a year now. 
    Tell your FI that no, you made your decision together and he needs to stand with you on it.  His mother's throwing a fit does not entitle her to a change in your policy.  Point out that you've already selected a venue that does not allow for kids and make clear to your DOC that the kid is not invited and this must be made clear to the parents if they bring him.  If he doesn't stand with you now, you can pretty well be sure that he will let his mother temper tantrum her way about everything in your life because his are too small to stand up with her and handle her like an adult.

    After that, refuse to discuss the matter with his mother any further (as well as any other wedding-related matters).
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  • dazzlingfoxdazzlingfox member
    First Comment Name Dropper
    Do not compromise on this.  If you make the exception for one and not others, it's going to start family drama.  Stand your ground and stay strong.
    "You're just too good to be true.  Can't take my eyes off you."
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  • atlastmrsgatlastmrsg member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    RachelLee83 said:
    I think actually if the baby is breastfeeding you ARE supposed to let them bring the child.
    Not if no babies/children are invited.  Key to making a decision like this is enforcing it consistently.  If person can attend briefly or pump to attend, great.  If they don't want to do that, they can decline.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    atlastmrsg said:
    RachelLee83 said:
    I think actually if the baby is breastfeeding you ARE supposed to let them bring the child.
    Not if no babies/children are invited.  Key to making a decision like this is enforcing it consistently.  If person can attend briefly or pump to attend, great.  If they don't want to do that, they can decline.
    Even if other children are invited, there is no requirement that a baby be invited simply because the mother is breastfeeding it.  The mother has the options to accept the invitation without the baby and make whatever arrangements are necessary for its care, or to decline the invitation if that isn't feasible.  Breastfeeding as opposed to formula doesn't change that.
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  • Red.ZinniasRed.Zinnias member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited November 2014
    Do not give in.

    The reason this grown woman thinks it's acceptable to throw a tantrum is because nobody ever denied her anything. Break the cycle. Do this little one a favor and prevent him/her from growing into an adult who throws tantrums.

    I edited because I assumed this was a little girl, for some reason, and then realized you didn't specify.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    Your FI needs to stand up to her.  He needs to respect that you've made a decision together and that his mother doesn't get to throw a tantrum and undo that.  He needs to show her that you are a united team, and she can't break that.  Now is the time to set the foundation for how she will treat every decision you make in the future.

    There's nothing wrong with dividing families of grown siblings. It would be one thing if you were dividing families of minors, but each adult sibling should be invited separately, according to his or her relationship with you. Adults should not expect to be invited to everything their siblings are.  It's typical to make a cut off of 18, but there's nothing wrong with 21.
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  • danamwdanamw member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment

    I am going to buck the trend here. I think it is fine not to invite the 6 year old, babies. It is fine to insist all you want, that they are not invited, and should not be brought to the wedding.

    But it is an ugly thing to do, to turn away a 6 year old and his parents at the door, if they disobey you, and bring him. You should let them in, and give them all the stinkeye you want. But turning people away is hateful.

    If FMIL is going to tell the parents it is ok to bring their kid, you should speak with the parents directly.

    Go ahead and ream me a new one, I am not changing my mind.




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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    danamw said:

    I am going to buck the trend here. I think it is fine not to invite the 6 year old, babies. It is fine to insist all you want, that they are not invited, and should not be brought to the wedding.

    But it is an ugly thing to do, to turn away a 6 year old and his parents at the door, if they disobey you, and bring him. You should let them in, and give them all the stinkeye you want. But turning people away is hateful.

    If FMIL is going to tell the parents it is ok to bring their kid, you should speak with the parents directly.

    Go ahead and ream me a new one, I am not changing my mind.




    It might seem "ugly" but uninvited guests are just that-uninvited. Their takeaway if they are brought uninvited and not turned away is an inappropriate sense of entitlement to go wherever they want even when they aren't welcome. Even small children need to learn and accept that they aren't welcome everywhere-especiallly when there is an "adults-only" rule and/or it costs extra money or there is no space for them. As "ugly" as it might seem to you to have to turn someone away, the hosts may have no choice, and given that the people being turned away weren't invited in the first place, I think the adults might need to learn a lesson.
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  • kissyface454kissyface454 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Yeah, your man needs to handle that! As the first poster said, if she gets this she'll feel like she can get away with anything. You're going to seem like the bad guy but it's your wedding and YOUR rules. 
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  • danamwdanamw member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment

    An invited couple, who has been told by the MOG that is is ok to bring their 6 year old to the wedding, does so, and is sent home, told they are not welcome.

    Anyone who would approve of this is a self-centered creep.


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  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    danamw said:

    An invited couple, who has been told by the MOG that is is ok to bring their 6 year old to the wedding, does so, and is sent home, told they are not welcome.

    Anyone who would approve of this is a self-centered creep.


    No the adults who brought the child are in the wrong here. Sorry, but they are. 
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  • danamwdanamw member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment

    If the adults gave a gift, it should be returned to them.

    It is ok for the wedding to do this then? Throw out invited guests for bringing their child? What if the adults were invited, and the MOG told them (wrongly) that it was ok to bring their child? So they did so, innocently?

    You would expect these parents to still love and respect the couple after being rejected at the door, because of a misunderstanding?

    Ok the bride can do anything she wants, but damn, you are cold.

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  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    @danamw, I'm just going to quote a PP because I think she said it best.

     

    Jen4948 said:

    I am going to buck the trend here. I think it is fine not to invite the 6 year old, babies. It is fine to insist all you want, that they are not invited, and should not be brought to the wedding.

    But it is an ugly thing to do, to turn away a 6 year old and his parents at the door, if they disobey you, and bring him. You should let them in, and give them all the stinkeye you want. But turning people away is hateful.

    If FMIL is going to tell the parents it is ok to bring their kid, you should speak with the parents directly.

    Go ahead and ream me a new one, I am not changing my mind.




    It might seem "ugly" but uninvited guests are just that-uninvited. Their takeaway if they are brought uninvited and not turned away is an inappropriate sense of entitlement to go wherever they want even when they aren't welcome. Even small children need to learn and accept that they aren't welcome everywhere-especiallly when there is an "adults-only" rule and/or it costs extra money or there is no space for them. As "ugly" as it might seem to you to have to turn someone away, the hosts may have no choice, and given that the people being turned away weren't invited in the first place, I think the adults might need to learn a lesson.

    image
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  • danamwdanamw member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited November 2014

    Okay, I am clearly outnumbered.

     But it is my belief that things between the couple with the child, and the wedding couple, will be irreparably damaged.

    If that is ok with the couple, then they can do whatever they want.

    To Jen4948, it is not your place to teach anyone's child a lesson. Nor do you have a right to teach the parents a lesson, either. You are no one's moral compass.

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  • thespeshulestsnowflakethespeshulestsnowflake member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    danamw said:

    Okay, I am clearly outnumbered.

     But it is my belief that things between the couple with the child, and the wedding couple, will be irreparably damaged.

    If that is ok with the couple, then they can do whatever they want.

    To Jen4948, it is not your place to teach anyone's child a lesson. Nor do you have a right to teach the parents a lesson, either. You are no one's moral compass.

    Honestly, I would never throw someone out if they arrived with their non-invited child. It's just not me. I'd be irked as hell though and most likely bitch about it.

    BUT...I would try my hardest to never let it get to that point. If I had heard that my FMIL was telling people that their children were invited, I would get my FI to tell her to call them back and say she was mistaken. I would keep an eye out for my RSVPs, making sure the number of people RSVPing was not larger than the number I invited.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited November 2014
    danamw said:

    Okay, I am clearly outnumbered.

     But it is my belief that things between the couple with the child, and the wedding couple, will be irreparably damaged.

    If that is ok with the couple, then they can do whatever they want.

    To Jen4948, it is not your place to teach anyone's child a lesson. Nor do you have a right to teach the parents a lesson, either. You are no one's moral compass.

    Excuse me, but neither are you, and in insisting that every uninvited kid brought by invited parents has to be admitted because it's "ugly" not to, you are trying to act as everyone else's moral compass.  Practice what you preach. Don't go lecturing about what is or isn't my place here while not doing the same.

    And if things are "irreparably damaged" between the hosts and the guests who are turned away, guess what?  The guests, not the hosts, are at fault, for trying to bring their kids uninvited.  It is 100% their fault, not the hosts', for any "irreparable damage" to the relationship.  They get to suck up all the responsibility for the consequences.  The hosts may even have to kick them out if the venue has a "no children" rule or a rule about not going over capacity.   Think about that before you insist that kicking out uninvited guests is "ugly."  The people being "ugly" are the ones bringing uninvited kids or other guests and then throwing temper tantrums when asked to leave.

    And PS-it's a lesson the parents and anyone else who thinks they can bring uninvited guests and just expect them to be admitted needs to learn-regardless of who teaches it.
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  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Jen4948 said:
    danamw said:

    Okay, I am clearly outnumbered.

     But it is my belief that things between the couple with the child, and the wedding couple, will be irreparably damaged.

    If that is ok with the couple, then they can do whatever they want.

    To Jen4948, it is not your place to teach anyone's child a lesson. Nor do you have a right to teach the parents a lesson, either. You are no one's moral compass.

    Excuse me, but neither are you, and in insisting that every uninvited kid brought by invited parents has to be admitted because it's "ugly" not to, you are trying to act as everyone else's moral compass.  Practice what you preach. Don't go lecturing about what is or isn't my place here while not doing the same.

    And if things are "irreparably damaged" between the hosts and the guests who are turned away, guess what?  The guests, not the hosts, are at fault, for trying to bring their kids uninvited.  It is 100% their fault, not the hosts', for any "irreparable damage" to the relationship.  They get to suck up all the responsibility for the consequences.  The hosts may even have to kick them out if the venue has a "no children" rule or a rule about not going over capacity.   Think about that before you insist that kicking out uninvited guests is "ugly."  The people being "ugly" are the ones bringing uninvited kids or other guests and then throwing temper tantrums when asked to leave.

    And PS-it's a lesson the parents and anyone else who thinks they can bring uninvited guests and just expect them to be admitted needs to learn-regardless of who teaches it.
    @Jen4948 it's like you are reading my mind. Preach!
    image
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  • danamwdanamw member
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    thespeshulestsnowflake said:
    danamw said:

    Okay, I am clearly outnumbered.

     But it is my belief that things between the couple with the child, and the wedding couple, will be irreparably damaged.

    If that is ok with the couple, then they can do whatever they want.

    To Jen4948, it is not your place to teach anyone's child a lesson. Nor do you have a right to teach the parents a lesson, either. You are no one's moral compass.

    Honestly, I would never throw someone out if they arrived with their non-invited child. It's just not me. I'd be irked as hell though and most likely bitch about it.

    BUT...I would try my hardest to never let it get to that point. If I had heard that my FMIL was telling people that their children were invited, I would get my FI to tell her to call them back and say she was mistaken. I would keep an eye out for my RSVPs, making sure the number of people RSVPing was not larger than the number I invited.

    speshul, what you add is very correct. If you suspected the guest were getting incorrect advice from the MOG, you should seek to clarify, before it came to the point of ejecting a 6 year old from a wedding his parents were invited to, and told they could bring him.

    To the others who think it is ok to throw people out of your wedding, you definitely will be teaching people a lesson. About what a mistake it is, to have anything to do with you.

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  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    danamw said:
    thespeshulestsnowflake said:
    danamw said:

    Okay, I am clearly outnumbered.

     But it is my belief that things between the couple with the child, and the wedding couple, will be irreparably damaged.

    If that is ok with the couple, then they can do whatever they want.

    To Jen4948, it is not your place to teach anyone's child a lesson. Nor do you have a right to teach the parents a lesson, either. You are no one's moral compass.

    Honestly, I would never throw someone out if they arrived with their non-invited child. It's just not me. I'd be irked as hell though and most likely bitch about it.

    BUT...I would try my hardest to never let it get to that point. If I had heard that my FMIL was telling people that their children were invited, I would get my FI to tell her to call them back and say she was mistaken. I would keep an eye out for my RSVPs, making sure the number of people RSVPing was not larger than the number I invited.

    speshul, what you add is very correct. If you suspected the guest were getting incorrect advice from the MOG, you should seek to clarify, before it came to the point of ejecting a 6 year old from a wedding his parents were invited to, and told they could bring him.

    To the others who think it is ok to throw people out of your wedding, you definitely will be teaching people a lesson. About what a mistake it is, to have anything to do with you.

    It's not even really about teaching people a lesson, it's about those said people having common courtesy for the couple hosting the reception and for them to have enough sense to not bring their child who wasn't invited.  But ok.
    image
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