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Sick Dad of Bride

heatherneil1013heatherneil1013 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My wedding is on Halloween....less than 2 weeks.  My dad has stage IV colon cancer, and he is not responding well to treatments.  He has been spending more time in the hospital than out. He makes a small improvement, they send him home, and he gets set back.

I am facing the very real possibility that he may not be able to be at my wedding and I don't know what to do.  I can't imagine getting married without my dad. Even though it's small (less than 50 guests), I can't move the entire wedding to the hospital.  I'm wondering about maybe saying our vows in front of him earlier in the day and then continuing with the rest of the itinerary as planned.  And if the unthinkable happens and he's gone by then, do we still have the wedding at all?

I am feeling so lost right now. 




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Re: Sick Dad of Bride

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    lurkergirllurkergirl member
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    I'm so sorry you're facing something so sad and stressful during this happy time.

    I'm thinking saying the vows in the hospital could be a big ordeal and may cause him unneeded stress.  Would it be possible to have someone record the ceremony and then watch it with him the following day?  That way you could also spend more time with him instead of being rushed to get to your wedding.

    As far as the worst case scenario, that is something that you will have to decide.  Would you feel comfortable discussing that with him?  I think a lot of parents would tell their children to celebrate life and happiness and not dwell on sadness, but I know if it were me, I'd find that to be extremely difficult.

    There are so many smart ladies on here, so I'm sure someone will have better advice.  Hugs, thoughts, and prayers as you navigate the next couple weeks!




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    lurkergirllurkergirl member
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    kmmssg said:

    I am so very sorry about your dad.   I have walked  your path (minus the wedding part) and it is a difficult road.

    While some might disagree with me, I would never dream of batting an eyelash at a bride who said vows in front of her terminal dad early in the day and then continued with the rest of the itinerary as planned.  Surely your guests know your situation and anyone who had a problem with that would have to be pretty cold hearted.

    As far as having the wedding if he passes away prior to the date, that is a call you and your family have to make.  Has your dad ever talked to you about this?  I was orphaned as a child BUT I am also a 4 time MOB and I would really hope my girls would continue with their plans and find a way to have a joyous wedding day.

    Yeah, I would not judge this at all from an etiquette perspective.  My only concern was causing any extra stress or commotion to him when he's not feeling well.




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    cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
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    I am so sorry you have to deal with this, cancer sucks.  I would see what your father thinks.  I know my family would just say the show must go on and that they would want the wedding to proceed as normal.  I don't know how I would have felt if I was in that situation though.

    I really like the idea of recording the ceremony, (or maybe you could work out a skype/face time arangement if he is home) and just showing him after.  I agree that I wouldn't side I you exchanging vows in front of him, but I don't see the point if he isn't witness the actual ceremony.

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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Reading your post just broke my heart. We dealt with a similar situation - my H's dad was not able to attend our wedding last month. He was too sick to travel up from Florida. 

    I would see if Skyping or Facetiming would be a possibility. If not, you could definitely say your vows in front of him, and have some time of ceremony at the hospital. I also agree that I would in no way side-eye a bride in that situation that had a ceremony with her dad, and then went on with the rest of the day. 

    Again, I'm so sorry. You're in my prayers. 
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    princessleia22princessleia22 member
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    moosette113 said:
    I'm so sorry you are going through this. I went through something very similar with my grandmother, with whom I lived. She was hospitalized 3 weeks before my wedding- she was on the verge of getting discharged to a rehab center a couple of times, but then would have another cardiac episode and end up back in the ICC. She was determined to be at the wedding, but we weren't sure if she logistically could even get out of bed.

    I would have absolutely moved my ceremony to her hospital room, but she was adamant that the wedding should take place as originally planned (she sobbed when I told her we canceled the rehearsal and honeymoon). I looked up local medical transport vans and nursing services on the off chance she could leave the hospital for the ceremony.

    When it became apparent she could not leave her bed, I borrowed my dad's iPad and asked someone to Skype the ceremony to my grandmother. A few relatives stayed with her in the hospital (and sneaked in a corsage) and she got to see and hear everything from her computer. As soon as the reception was over, my husband and I drove over to the hospital to visit with her while we were still dressed up. We also brought cake for the nurses and doctors on staff. Honestly, it was one of the toughest days of my life. I know I wanted my grandmother to be a part of the day somehow, and I know she was as happy as she could be given the circumstances.

    I think you should talk to your dad. No one should think any less of you for having your ceremony in his hospital room and then proceeding with your reception. He might also be like my grandmother and insist that everything go on as planned (in which case Skype is a good option). Maybe if your dad is having a better day (and it's financially doable), you could hire a medical transport van and a caregiver to get him to the ceremony. But I think it's important to talk with your father and fiance to gauge everyone's feelings on the different scenarios. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

    That's pretty much everything I was going to suggest.

    @heatherneil1013, I'm sorry that you are having to go through that.  It makes everything so much harder and bittersweet. Talk to your dad about what he wants, but I'm sure he wouldn't want to have you cancel the wedding and he'd want you to proceed as normally as possible.  If he isn't able to make it to the wedding, I love the Skype idea. If that isn't an option, I don't think anyone would have a problem with you saying vows at the hospital earlier in the day. Maybe have just both sets of parent there to witness that, so all the parents get to witness the first vows. And I like moosette's idea of going to hospital between ceremony & reception, or after reception so he can see you all dressed up and share some cake with him. And you could also maybe include some subtle touches from him in the ceremony.  Maybe have him help pick out your recessional song or include his favorite flower in your bouquet.  Also, DH and I had our mothers sign our marriage license as witnesses, instead of MOH/BM, because we really liked the idea of including them in that way and thought it would be so much more special to us to see their signature on it... I could see this also as a possible idea for you to include your dad in that way if you do the vows at hospital. 

    If it starts looking like he really won't make it to the wedding date, I don't think I'd even hold it against you if you did vows at hospital before the wedding date, like this week or whenever.  I wouldn't consider the wedding to be a PPD given the circumstances.  If he doesn't make it, that may make the bigger ceremony a bit easier to handle, knowing that he still had that moment and got to see you get married. Although, people can be extremely resilient when they want to be, and not wanting to ruin your wedding is a big motivation for him to hold on for a couple weeks. He may keep fighting and hold on just for that.

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    levioosalevioosa member
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    So sorry you are going through this.  I agree with previous PPs.  


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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    OP, I'm SO sorry you're going through this.  I knew someone who was in a somewhat similar situation (and they knew that her dad was not going to be alive for the wedding).  If memory serves me, she and her husband met with their pastor in the hospital room where her dad was.  The pastor blessed their relationship (they didn't want to exchange vows just yet).  From what I heard, it was emotional and beautiful.

    I suggest talking with your dad, FI, and possibly your officiant (depending on how close you are to him / her).  Discuss your options that will best suit you and your family.

    Here's a hug ...
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    heatherneil1013heatherneil1013 member
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    Thanks for all of the kind words and advice.   It's a pretty emotional time.  I don't have the mental strength right now to figure it all out, but after a good night's rest, and talking to my parents, I will figure out what works best.
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    slothiegalslothiegal member
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    PP's have some great ideas.  I just wanted to add that I'm sending some love and some thoughts your way during this difficult time.  
    Anniversary

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    minskat30minskat30 member
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    I'm sorry you are going through this.  I went through nearly the same situation before my H and I got married (my Dad passed the month before my wedding on cancer).  I had thought about doing a ceremony before hand and wouldn't judge a bride who did that AT ALL (in fact I know a lovely bride who did just that and it was beautiful that she got to share that moment with her Dad).  In the end for us, my Dad went from bad to non-responsive very quickly so we didn't really have the time.  We still had the wedding and it was bittersweet in many ways but I was grateful I had had time before that to talk to him about the wedding to get his input on the dress, music, etc. so I felt like he was there with me at certain moments.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
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    ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    edited October 2014
    OP, I am so sorry you're going through this. I went through the same thing with my mother, except she didn't take treatment. 

    You are smart to sleep on it and talk to your parents and your FI. 

    For me, I knew I needed to do whatever to ensure my mom was at our wedding. She was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and we were told her life would "be measured in weeks as opposed to months" about 40 days before my DW. We cancelled immediately and planned a quick wedding in a local restaurant. She was there and happy. It was perfect. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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    ohsoridiculousohsoridiculous member
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    I don't have any advice for you but just want to let you know that I'm dealing with a similar issue (planning a wedding + mother with stage 4 lung cancer) and I know how tough it is to be so happy about a wedding/marriage while something so shitty is going on.  Hugs.
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    PhoneCardLadyPhoneCardLady member
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    @moosette113 - I got goosebumps just reading your post.....
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    slothiegalslothiegal member
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    heatherneil1013 said:
    Just a follow up...my dad did make it to the wedding, and was even able to walk me down the aisle.  He stayed in his wheelchair at the end of the aisle, and I met him there.   My brother 'followed" us with the wheelchair (on the outside of the aisle) in case Dad didn't feel strong enough to walk all the way, but he didn't need to use it.

    He opted out of the father-daughter dance, bc he was just too tired by that point.  But the local high school was playing their last game of the season, against a huge rival, and it was being aired on a local tv channel.   My dad LOVES to root for the home town team, so I asked the venue if they could put the game on at the bar.  Dad went over and watched the game, and I sat with him,.  The DJ played "our song" during that time.  Other than my MOH, only he and I realized what song it was. I just rested my chin on his shoulder, and we had our own private moment.  

    Oh yeah....our football team got an interception right afterwards, and ended up winning the game.  Icing on the cake!   :-)
    OP, I am SO SO happy to read this update!  What a beautiful memory that you and your father will always cherish  :)
    Anniversary

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    lc07lc07 member
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    OP, I'm so happy that you were able to share this time with your father!!
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    PhoneCardLadyPhoneCardLady member
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    I just got goosebumps reading your update.  You are blessed and will remember this moment.  I hope that some got a picture of that private moment between you and your dad.
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    txbandwifetxbandwife member
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    heatherneil1013 I was in tears reading how things worked out for you. Soooo happy for you!
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