Holiday Advice

AlPacina · November 2014

Hey ladies,

I'm just looking for a little advice and maybe some insight into how you make your decisions about which family to visit for the holidays.

Back story:
- BF's family lives one hour away. We see someone from his family at least once a month. I've never brought this up in a conversation about the holidays, but it is a fact.
- My family lives 5 hours away. I have only seen them 3 times in 2014, and my hometown is super boring to my BF.
- I like his family just okay. As I already mentioned, his brother that just moved up is a total dick, and I'm still kind of ticked at his parents because of the whole house buying situation. However, I spent part of Christmas day with them last year, and they made me feel so insanely welcome.
- He gets along with my family. I think it's a very different dynamic than his. We're quieter people who enjoy playing board/card games and talking, while his family typically revolves everything around alcohol.
- We've gone through two sets of holidays together. The first year, we had only been dating a month. We went our separate ways, no big deal. Last year, he went on a road trip with his dad for thanksgiving, and I went home. I spent Christmas eve and Christmas morning with my family last year, then drove four hours ON CHRISTMAS to spend the afternoon/evening with his. He mostly just wanted to be able to spend time with his brother (who now lives near us, rather than in L.A.).

This year, I told him I don't care if we go our separate ways for Thanksgiving, which I don't. He is still saying that spending time with his brother is the reason that he wants to go to his family's. That's fine. But, we've seen the brother 3 times since he moved here a little over a month ago. Now, last night, I tried to talk to BF about Christmas and it sounds like he isn't willing to do the driving with me like I did last year. I am willing to swap who we visit first because he said that Christmas Eve is when they have all their fun. Easy decision then! Well, apparently not for him.

Can anyone think of any alternatives? Mostly, I'm just wondering how you made decisions about the holidays with your SO's? This year I am feeling quite strongly about it, for some reason. I just want to spend Christmas together, damnit!

loves2shop4shoes · November 2014

You make this decision by determining who wants what and then figuring out the best way to compromise. Sometimes the easiest compromise is alternating years, especially when seeing every family would logistically mean spending your holiday in a car.

What you should NEVER do is make these determinations based on how you feel about the other person's family. (I noticed you added anecdotal comments about your relationship with his family and your perceptions on his relationship with yours.) Doesn't matter if you like them or hate them, they're his family, and if he wants to see them, you need to find a way to make that work.

peekaboo2011 · November 2014

@loves2shop4shoes hit the nail on the head. It doesn't matter what you think of his family, and it doesn't matter what he thinks of yours. You guys work out a compromise.

My family lives 8 hours away without traffic. Last year we went down on an off weekend and planned on celebrating both Thanksgiving and Christmas. My parents weren't ready for Christmas, so they later came up to do the thing. We spent actual Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family, who live about 30 min away.

This year we're driving down to my parents for actual Thanksgiving, and spending Christmas with his parents. I don't know how we're going to do it next year or the year after. It's a year by year thing.

AlPacina · November 2014

loves2shop4shoes said:

You make this decision by determining who wants what and then figuring out the best way to compromise. Sometimes the easiest compromise is alternating years, especially when seeing every family would logistically mean spending your holiday in a car.

What you should NEVER do is make these determinations based on how you feel about the other person's family. (I noticed you added anecdotal comments about your relationship with his family and your perceptions on his relationship with yours.) Doesn't matter if you like them or hate them, they're his family, and if he wants to see them, you need to find a way to make that work.

I guess by adding it I was trying to show that we weren't trying to avoid each others family because of genuinely not getting along or something. Trying to fill in any blanks I saw going unfilled.

NowIamMrsKlein · November 2014

We try our best to do both families if we can. Its a lot of work with my family being 7 hours away and his being 4 hours further. It takes some compromise from everyone.

Our first christmas together, my family had christmas dinner on christmas eve. We spent christmas morning with them and then jumped in the car and drove the 4 hours to have christmas day dinner with his family. Second christmas we just had our own little christmas by ourselves up north because we couldn't get the time off.

His family came up here for Easter. Then thanksgiving (we're Canadian) we took some holiday days and went to his family first and had Thanksgiving dinner on the Saturday and then drove to my parents and had thanksgiving dinner with them on the Monday.

Christmas this year will be more compromise. My family will celebrate on Christmas eve/christmas morning and then we will drive down to his family for Christmas day supper and boxing day.

For us its not about choosing who's family we will see, but more trying to squish as much family as possible in. We are lucky that our families are willing to work around our schedules and come up with decent options.

My best piece of advice is to remember that the holidays are not about a specific day on the calendar, but about the meaning behind the holidays. Christmas day can be celebrated the day before or the day after and still have just the same amount of family and friends and love and laughter as if it was celebrated on the day its written on the calendar.

Ollie08 · November 2014

I agree with everything @loves2shop4shoes said, and alternating years is probably the easiest solution. It definitely shouldn't be about whose family you like more. The fact of the matter is that they're his family.

As for what we do, we've spent the holidays so far with my family only because they're local. His parents were still in IL, and travel around the holidays is crazy expensive and way too difficult for us. This year, his mom moved to GA which is drivable for us, so I suggested that we go visit her for Thanksgiving since the girls will be with their dad. The likelihood of us ever traveling for Christmas is slim. Even when the girls are with their dad for Christmas, we usually get to spend a few hours with them. Naturally H would love to spend more time with his family, but the distance is just really hard to overcome when you have limited means.

minskat30 · November 2014

I think you guys should be able to take turns or talk out a compromise on both of your ends. H and I celebrate with my family because (1) his family is out of the country and (2) he isn't big on holidays. That said we spent practically all our vacation time in the past few years visiting his family because they are out of the country and there is no other way he gets to go see them. My last long-term relationship before H, I split the holidays with that ex. Both parties just have to compromise. If my SO wasn't willing to compromise on something we both felt was important (with the understanding that I would have to compromise too) I'd be upset.

lilacck28 · November 2014

Our situation has been a little different than the usual, since our parents only live about a half hour away from each other.

Since I started dating FI, my mom has moved our Thanksgiving "dinner" up to definite lunch territory, to around 1 pm; his mom has the normal "dinner" time of around 4pm. This way, FI and I are able to go to both families.

For Passover, we've tended to just go to his family, because they all go to his Aunt and Uncle's house and it seems like a bigger deal to them than what happens with my family. And we're able to see both of our families fairly regularly, so I don't feel like I'm missing out on seeing mine. Sometimes we've been able to see both families for Passover because one of the families will celebrate on a different day.

In the future, if we're not living as close to our parents or they don't live near each other, which will make it hard to see them "evenly", we're either going to stick with my family for Thanksgiving and his family for Passover, OR we're going to institute an "every other year" type of policy, where one year we do Thanksgiving with my family and Passover with his, and then swap.

Relationships don't need to be equal, obviously things shift back and forth as situations change, but I feel like seeing family is one of those things where you should definitely make an attempt to be as close to equal as possible. I would really resent FI not being invested in seeing my family as often as we see his. (That is to say, I don't expect him to want to see my family as much as I do, but I expect him to be willing to travel to see my family because he knows it is important to me, just like I am willing to travel to see his. ) Both parties should be compromising, not just one.

Hummingbird125 · November 2014

@AlPacina - Ugh, I feel for you - that sounds like a tough situation.

FI and I have spent three holiday seasons together, this will be our fourth. We started dating during January, so by the time the holidays rolled around we were already living together and definitely wanted to spend the holidays together. We actually spent both Thanksgiving AND Christmas with my family because FI knew the holidays were really important to me, and I wanted to be with my family.

For the past two years, and for this one, we've spent/are spending Thanksgiving with his family (5 hours away in a quiet town, so similar to your situation), and Christmas with my family (about an hour away, and we see them regularly). I think alternating holidays or years is the easiest solution. Although you say that you don't mind going your separate ways for Thanksgiving, it's still an important thing to figure out - you may not want to go your separate ways next year, or when you're married, etc.

eilis1228 · November 2014

You guys need to sit down and discuss it a bit more. You need to tell him why you want to go see your family and why you want him there and vice-versa. As others have said, compromise and alternating years seem to be the best, most frequent solution.

For me and my FI, we take into account the holiday, how frequently we see that family, and the distance. So, for example, for Thanksgiving every year we drive about 5 hours to my paternal family. However, it's the only time of year I see that family, which includes my older brothers and my niece and nephews. FI and I decided that my paternal family will always take priority on Thanksgiving since we don't see them any other time of year. However, we only stay for one night so that we c

For Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc, we look at when the big events are, how many will be there (i.e. huge annual extended family get-together vs. immediate family), and where we were the previous year. Priority goes to big annual extended family things and/or who we didn't see the previous year. So, for example, both of our families have been shindigs for Easter. If we saw his family the previous year, we'd see my family for the current year.

For my parents, they would alternate Christmas and Thanksgiving every year between my mom's family and my step-dad's. Everything else happened locally because my step-dad's family lives 5 hours away.

Everyone comes to a different arrangement-- it's whatever you guys feel most comfortable with.

minskat30 · November 2014

Also, just wanted to point out that holiday locations shouldn't be set in stone with your family either. Now that H and I have a house where we can host people (and they can stay overnight), we are taking on Thanksgiving (well...other than this year because of our kitchen remodel). My family knows it isn't fair to always make us come to them too. Compromise all around.

phira · November 2014

J and I have worked out a system that works very well for us (and was created in the aftermath of an incredible December 23rd fight that we had after we'd been dating a year). Here's the deal with our families:

J's family: Almost entirely local (e.g. most people reside within the same 2-3 zip codes). We see his parents at least once a month, and he sees one of his brothers 1-2 times a month (separately). We also spend a week with almost his entire family on vacation every year.

My family: Somewhat local, but we often have to get a ride (I have an uncle who lives nearby). Most of my family lives about 30 minutes away, although lots of people live an hour away, and we're usually not having events at my uncle's house. I typically only see my family for major holidays and life events.

Here's the deal with the holidays:

J's family: We celebrate Easter and Father's Day with his family, because my family is Jewish and I don't have a dad anymore. Mother's Day, we've tried to split, but last year, my family didn't do anything, so we just did his family (brunch). His family does Thanksgiving about 1.5 hours away, and it lasts the whole day. His parents host Christmas, which involves the "kids" (us + J's brothers and their spouses) coming over for Christmas Eve, and then coming back Christmas morning, staying the whole afternoon, and then staying for Christmas dinner.

My family: We do Passover, Chanukah, and usually either Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur break fast. One uncle typically hosts Mother's Day dinner, but he didn't last year. The same uncle hosts Thanksgiving and Christmas, which are both very similar: dinner is at 4 or 5 (Thanksgiving) or 5 or 6 (Christmas), and we just all kind of eat and hang out. Even though my immediate family is Jewish, a lot of people married out (including me, now!), and so we like to have dinner together.

Here's how we handle the holidays currently:

All Jewish holidays = my family

Easter = his family

Father's Day = his family

Mother's Day = if we can't attend both, we each attend our own family's

Thanksgiving = alternate every other year (this year = his family)

Christmas Eve = his family

Christmas morning = his family

Christmas day/dinner = alternate every other year (this year, my family)

labro · November 2014

I'm just re-iterating what others have said. Sometimes the best thing to do is compromise and do alternating years when possible. For us it's been easy. My family is local and H's family is in northern Indiana (a 12 hour drive for us). We've spent every holiday with my family to date. This year we're spending Thanksgiving here and then travelling north for the week to spend Christmas with his family. Sure, I'd rather spend Christmas with my own family (as we're the boozy party ones and his are the quiet play games ones) but we're a couple and that means trying to be equally fair.

I think you need to have a conversation with your BF about the holidays. Since his family is local, it makes sense that you tend to spend a lot more time with them but that doesn't mean that your family gets all the holidays either. Try to come up with a compromise if you can - like Christmas Eve with his and Christmas Day with yours or vice versa...but you both need to be fair to each other.

speakeasy14 · November 2014

So, my boyfriend and I split holidays for the first time last year. I spent Christmas day with his family and the night with mine, and Easter day with my family and the evening with his. We didn't split Thanksgiving.

That's where our discussion is right now - Thanksgiving. We are trying to figure out if we can split the day with our families, choose which family to visit, or visit our families separately. Christmas and Easter are easy because our families are closer then, but Thanksgiving my family travels to my uncle's (he lives about 4-4.5 hours away). Since my uncle is so far away we cannot easily split the day like we were able to for the other holidays.

So we're discussing either splitting the day or rotating years. One year with my family, one year with his family. We both know there is going to be some compromise, we're just not sure what. We have said that if we decide to alternate years we are going to flip a coin to decide which family will be this year.

So I would suggest that you offer those choices to your bf (split day or rotate each year). If he isn't willing to compromise that would worry me.

AlPacina · November 2014

Thank you all for your examples. I'm liking that we will be taking Thursday/Friday off for Christmas this year, so I may try and say "Okay, can we drive to my family's on Saturday and not have to do any driving on Christmas, but then spend Christmas Eve with my family next year?"

He just texted me that his other brother, who lives in the same town as the others, wants to have a big shindig the weekend before Thanksgiving. To me, that says perfect opportunity to spend an entire weekend with his family and then maybe he would come with me to Thanksgiving at my parents' house. I see an opportunity to start some compromising, yes. Haha.

I wish our house was big enough to host people for a holiday. We can host about 2 people at once comfortably. More people = more people without a place to sit.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

DH and I knew that we would be splitting holidays this year since last year we were on our honeymoon during Thanksgiving. We spent christmas with seriously everyone and it was super stressful. So this year we are doing Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with H's mom since his Dad will be out of town and we will visit with other families before and after Christmas.

We will most likely stick to Easter with my family since H's parent's don't really do much on Easter. Unless there is a request and then we will start rotating.

eilis1228 · November 2014

I should also note that we've split the holiday days up before. One year we did Christmas morning with my family and Christmas evening with his. While it worked out nicely for the schedule, I felt like I didn't get much time with anyone. Enough time for a quick chat, the meal, and presents, and then we were either off to the other family's or hauling ass to get home. We still split the days if schedules work out that way, but I definitely prefer devoting entire days to one family event.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

every other year, we make the 11 hour drive to NM to see H's family for Thanksgiving. the year we don't make the drive, they come here to see family.

we spend Christmas with my family, generally. H's mom is talking about being here at Christmas, so we'll see.

GoldenPenguin · November 2014

We do Thanksgiving with FI's family and alternate Christmas. My immediate family is small, and doesn't really make a huge deal about Thanksgiving (which is weird, because it's my favorite holiday), whereas FI's family has a big get together on Thanksgiving Day.

Last year, we went to FI's parent's house, but because his stepdad's mom had just passed away, and the funeral was that same week, so it was just the six of us (his brother & SIL).

We then went to my parents for Christmas, and went to his parents after Christmas. This year, we'll celebrate actual Christmas with his family, and go to my family before Christmas. It worked out well, because FSIL's family is in Texas, so they already had an alternating pattern set up - they went to Texas for actual Christmas, so we went to Maine to my family.

It just takes compromise. My mom wanted us to do Christmas after the holiday because it would be easier for my sister, who lives five minutes away from the house we grew up in. Sorry, but we're driving FIVE HOURS - and we see you 3-4 times a year. I pitched a fit about that one.

AlPacina · November 2014

@TwoDimes - I'm glad you guys are figuring it out for this year. I already hate the idea of not having him around on the holiday where I feel the most connected to the important people in my life.

Your plan would honestly be my ideal for Christmas. I understand not wanting to drive on the holiday, but I did it last year and it definitely satisfied all of my christmas needs. Wake up and spend the morning opening presents, then drive, then have a huge meal and crash. Thank you for your insight. I don't think there is pressure from either of our families to be there, we just both love being around our families is all.

WildMagelet · November 2014

I have no advice for you. We spend the holidays in the car and it sucks. One year we did 3 thanksgivings and 6 Christmases and it was awful.

Usually our families make their plans and then we attend everything we together or separately that fits in our work schedule.

morphemes · November 2014

Holidays are hard, I also don't have any great advice. BF and I are approaching our 3rd holiday season together. We don't live particularly close to either of our families (we moved for me to attend law school), but my family is closer (only 3 hours away by car rather than a 3 hour plane ride to his).

Generally we have Thanksgiving with my family and then spend time around Christmas with his. We have actually spent Christmas Day apart every year because, as a student it's really hard for me to find the money for a plane ticket to go with him to visit his family, especially since I buy a plane ticket to his family's summer vacation (10 days every summer! Really fun though). Once I'm out of school it will probably change, but for now I generally try to go with him for a couple days around Christmas, but my schedule is always dictated by which flights are the cheapest. So I'm almost always flying out Christmas Eve, really cheap day to fly!

@WildMagelet, I love your name!! Is it a Tamora Pierce reference by any chance?

Dignity100 · November 2014

H's family is 20 minutes away, my family is about an hour away.

For Thanksgiving, we will go over to my parents in the AM for a little bit, run back to the house, let the dogs out and then go over to H's house for lunch/dinner - we look at the ads, play some games and decide if Black Friday deals are worth it together.

For Christmas - We do Christmas Eve with H's family. My parents drive up on Christmas morning and we meet at IHOP with my parents and my bro and his wife. After that we go to my brother's house for a few hours - my parents go home, we go home and just spend the rest of the day together.

WildMagelet · November 2014

morphemes said:

@WildMagelet, I love your name!! Is it a Tamora Pierce reference by any chance?

@morphemes - Yeessssss. I love Tamora. I own almost all of her books. Wild Magic was my first TP book back my freshman year of HS.

Peaseblossom55 · November 2014

We are blessed that both of our families live near by. We visit both of our families for Thanksgiving and Xmas because they are both under half an hour away. The same for Easter.

WildMagelet · November 2014

Peaseblossom55 said:

We are blessed that both of our families live near by. We visit both of our families for Thanksgiving and Xmas because they are both under half an hour away. The same for Easter.

Super jealous. My parents & brother are both 1:45 away from me, and his parents are closer to 6 hours. Also, my parents are both remarried, so either we have one *very full* day, or we have to spend multiple days driving back and forth (typically in the snow). Luckily his grandma lives 10 minutes from us so his parents usually end up coming back for the holidays, although I know they'd prefer if we came to them.

rn1989 · November 2014

P and I have talked about it and we'll be doing both families for the holidays. His does things earlier in the day and my stuff is later. I agree with most ladies here, talk to him and make a plan and compromise.

Holiday Advice

Re: Holiday Advice

Choose Another Board

Search Boards