The "Are you ready/old enough/etc. for marriage" Question

lbarr088 · December 2011

After mulling around different boards for awhile I've often seen comments about age and or readiness of an OP for marriage. I have no particular board in mind, and this is not a flame of anyone in particular. I am just curious, especially since I am considered a "young" bride to be...

What do you think makes someone ready for marriage? Is age a factor?

I tend to think it's maturity, and of course, finding the person you are ready to spend the rest of your life with. Does anything else other than the latter really matter?

achiduck · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_readyold-enoughetc-marriage-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:a9ffaf17-6a8e-4477-9982-4667f068b264Post:b472fa1c-456b-41f1-90f6-02c432c2bcd1">Re: The "Are you ready/old enough/etc. for marriage" Question</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I don't really know why it's imperative that one is well-traveled before they get married. That might be true for some people, but certainly not all people. Also, I'm not sure how many times we've discussed on TK that college isn't for everyone.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

It's possible to travel in your own provice/state or country very economically. No one is talking about taking a luxury cruise or spending months back-packing through Europe.

I can understand that college isn't for everyone, but I personally am a big believer in higher education and life experiences and college is full of them.

lbarr088 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_readyold-enoughetc-marriage-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a9ffaf17-6a8e-4477-9982-4667f068b264Post:110a704e-68e6-4a13-b8a7-189adfc27519">Re: The "Are you ready/old enough/etc. for marriage" Question</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it has to do with maturity. I don't think anyone should get married until they can and have lived on their own, especially financially. Each person in the relationship should be as whole a person as possible without the other. This means that you don't find all your worth in being loved by the other person. I don't know if that came out right, but hopefully someone will understand what I mean.
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

<div>I understand <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" /></div><div>
</div><div>A thread on HM came to mind when I started writing this (along with comments I have gotten). A young bride was stating that her and her FI were under 21 and wanted to be able to drink on their HM and wondered if a resort would let them etc.</div><div>
</div><div>To me this sounded juvenile and someone (I'll have to find the thread) commented along the lines of "wait until you are adults to get married." I half agreed with this since the introduction of alcohol can change a relationship, but who's to say they aren't adult enough because of that?</div><div>
</div><div>Again, not flaming... I'm just genuinely interested in this. </div><div>
</div><div>ETA: <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_honeymoon_foreign-resorts-question">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_honeymoon_foreign-resorts-question</a></div>

lbarr088 · December 2011

Hmm not sure where my most recent post went. TK got all wonky when I first posted this thread... yup I broke TK.

Grits8812 · December 2011

Being a young couple is hard. I can't tell you how many people have said (or still do say) that we are too young to get married, we should be worried about going out with a bunch of people and partying, and all that stuff that is "normal" I guess.
We are financially stable, we both have jobs, and we are both committed to each other.

I understand that everyone has their own opinions, but at the same time it kind of hurts a little when someone says that a couple shouldn't be getting married because they aren't going to get to date 20 more girls and go drink.

To me, being ready for marriage is all about being committed to each other, and being able to take care of yourself.

SarahPLiz · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_readyold-enoughetc-marriage-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a9ffaf17-6a8e-4477-9982-4667f068b264Post:101e92ab-c81b-4298-af8d-9b06027efe99">Re: The "Are you ready/old enough/etc. for marriage" Question</a>:
[QUOTE]I am with JennyLove on the part about realizing that you don't need to be married to be happy in life...I actually met my DH about a week after I realized this. Funny how that worked out. Also, the travel stuff is BS. I had traveled a shitton before I was even 18 just by nature of how my life happened to turn out (I had already visited around 20-25 countries by that time - and now at thirty that list is only at two higher, yes, since my 18th birthday the only other countries I have visited are St. Lucia and Oman). If I used that as a criteria then I would have been ready at 18 - which I wasn't by ANY means. I think it has a lot to do with life experience and I don't think all life experience is made equal. I would have said that I had a lot of experience with life at 22, when I was first engaged (18-22) but really, in retrospect, I wasn't, I didn't know myself well and I hadn't learned who I wanted to be yet. That isn't to say that there aren't some people who have it figured out that young, I am sure there are some. I don't think there is a formula. <strong>What I do agree with is the idea that the young tend to rush things. They want their lives to unfold more quickly then they should, they want to reach this 'magical time' where they have accomplished so much, yadda, yadda, yadda...what they don't really realize is that that time doesn't exist...at least not really. You hit one benchmark only to face another. And when you rush things, you tend to make</strong> mistakes.
Posted by number55[/QUOTE]

<div>I so agree with this. Sometimes people are in a rush to get to the next step and don't realize there's another step after that. </div>

Simply Fated · December 2011

"I am with JennyLove on the part about realizing that you don't need to be married to be happy in life...I actually met my DH about a week after I realized this. Funny how that worked out." I agree with Jenny, too. And, like you, when I started appreciating myself... that's right at the same time my current boyfriend and I started seeing each other. I really think it had to do with self confidence and guys can see that in you. Im not always confident in everything i do, but I'm confident with who I am. I think that goes hand in hand with maturity and live experiences.

schbucli3 · December 2011

I just got married at 37 and I still sometimes question if I'm to young to be married.....LOL

J&K10910 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_readyold-enoughetc-marriage-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a9ffaf17-6a8e-4477-9982-4667f068b264Post:b65c1bf2-c1c2-4707-b418-32817cc5db98">The "Are you ready/old enough/etc. for marriage" Question</a>:
[QUOTE]After mulling around different boards for awhile I've often seen comments about age and or readiness of an OP for marriage. I have no particular board in mind, and this is not a flame of anyone in particular. I am just curious, especially since I am considered a "young" bride to be... What do you think makes someone ready for marriage? Is age a factor? I tend to think it's maturity, and of course, finding the person you are ready to spend the rest of your life with. <strong>Does anything else other than the latter really matter?</strong>
Posted by lbarr088[/QUOTE]

Yes and no. Young marriages can work. I was 24 when we were married, a lot of people think that's fairly young still.

I think a big thing is life experience. If you haven't experienced life, IMO you can't possibly know where you're going or what you want out of it.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · December 2011

I think it's definitely different for everyone.

My parents wanted us to not get married until we were completely reliant on ourselves, and for me that was when I was 20 (I got married at 26). My sister is 24 and married and she still isn't. My mom says she wants it that way for us because if something happens in our marriage, like unexpected death of the spouse or divorce, we'd be able to move on and take care of ourselves. I can count on my husband, but I don't need him, if that makes sense. My sister would be shiit without her H and that's kind of unfortunate to me.

tayylor65 · December 2011

I'm also a young bride; I was barely 23 at our wedding but everyone we know was supportive of our marriage. I too think it's more about maturity rather than age...but in today's world the two are often closely related. Most 20 year olds these days are in college focused on school and are often still supported by their parents-they could be 100% loyal/dedicated to their S/O but they haven't shared finances or maybe even handled their own finances, etc.

Overall maturity generally builds from life experiences. I think that's why people assume if you're younger, you're not mature enough to be married.

LesPaul · December 2011

Marrying for the right reasons is important. For example, a couple who has dated for x years shouldn't get married simply because it's the next logical step or what everyone thinks they should do now.

My DH made this mistake the first time - dated all through college, then got roped into a sad, dysfunctional marriage because he went along with the 'next step' mentality. He shouldn't have married her, and will pay for it forever.

achiduck · December 2011

I don't think that age is the only factor to consider when getting married. I once read an article called "The 5 things you need to accomplish before getting married" (or something like that) and it seemed completely logical to me. It included:

1) Be independent - living on your own, paying your own bills, etc
2) Get a post-secondary education
3) Get and keep a stable job
4) Travel
5) Find hobbies you enjoy (ie don't rely on others to entertain you)

lbarr088 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_readyold-enoughetc-marriage-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a9ffaf17-6a8e-4477-9982-4667f068b264Post:4f90d341-941b-4a11-8934-b5e6e15869ab">Re: The "Are you ready/old enough/etc. for marriage" Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to The "Are you ready/old enough/etc. for marriage" Question : Yes and no. Young marriages can work. <strong> I was 24 when we were married, a lot of people think that's fairly young still.</strong> I think a big thing is life experience. If you haven't experienced life, IMO you can't possibly know where you're going or what you want out of it.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes they do. I will be 24 a few days after our wedding. My boss made a comment one day about how I am WAY to young to get married. I don't think anyone can make that judgement about someone else's relationship. </div><div>
</div><div>AATB- FI and I have been together a little over 5 yrs and upon graduating college we both got great full time jobs. I totally understand what you mean about not being dependent on your H. I wouldn't feel comforable knowing I couldn't first support myself on my own.</div>

SarahPLiz · December 2011

I think it has to do with maturity. I don't think anyone should get married until they can and have lived on their own, especially financially. Each person in the relationship should be as whole a person as possible without the other. This means that you don't find all your worth in being loved by the other person. I don't know if that came out right, but hopefully someone will understand what I mean.

maratea · December 2011

I don't think there is really a particular age that's optimal, but I do believe there are certain factors in one's life that are important. Stability- both financially and emotionally- is important.

I'll use myself and my brother as an example.
-I was 24, H was 28 when we got married. At this point, we had both graduated college, had full-time jobs and had bought a house together. We were financially and emotionally stable and ready to be married. Until around age 23, I wasn't ready for this.
-My brother and his fiance will both have just turned 22 when they get married. While I think that is pretty young, they currently both work, go to school and own a home--stability. So even though they are younger, it works for them and they're ready to be married.

DodgersBride · December 2011

If I were to go off the article Achiduck is talking about I shouldn't get married.
Based on our ages and when we got engaged many people would think FI and I were not ready to get married. Dating 6 months and we were 21&23. That is just what is on the surface, now what and how we are.

achiduck · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_readyold-enoughetc-marriage-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:a9ffaf17-6a8e-4477-9982-4667f068b264Post:b2286291-9716-4b89-9b10-9e73157ec8fb">Re: The "Are you ready/old enough/etc. for marriage" Question</a>:
[QUOTE]If I were to go off the article Achiduck is talking about I shouldn't get married. Based on our ages and when we got engaged many people would think FI and I were not ready to get married. Dating 6 months and we were 21&23. <strong>That is just what is on the</strong> <strong>surface, now what and how we are</strong>.
Posted by DodgersBride[/QUOTE]

Unfortunately that's all most people see when they make those comments.

It's different for every couple, and while I don't think that the article I read is the be all, end all of readiness for marriage, I think it had valid points.

K Byte · December 2011

I think the whole "gotta travel before you get married" thing is overstated by a lot. What's to stop you from traveling once you're married, providing you don't start popping out the babies right away? At least then you have a built-in travel partner in your DH. Also it's kind of an economically privileged statement to make, and something that really only matters a lot to the middle class or downright wealthy. You can be taking pretty good care of yourself, own a home or paying rent, car, job you enjoy, etc. but not have a lot of extra money or time to throw around on trips. Or maybe it's just not important to you. It's just one of those statements that rubs me the wrong way so to speak.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · December 2011

I guess I don't really know why it's imperative that one is well-traveled before they get married. That might be true for some people, but certainly not all people.

Also, I'm not sure how many times we've discussed on TK that college isn't for everyone.

DNAtime · December 2011

I think the big factor is personal maturity as well as establishing yourself as an individual before getting married.

I ditto PPs, I love traveling with DH, and while I traveled quite a bit before getting engaged, I don't think its a must. Not everyone travels. Period.
I think a lot of people equate traveling to "finding yourself". If travel represents taking your own personal journeys and experiences, then I agree you should do those things before getting married. They don't have be far away places, however.

I think the "things on the surface" aren't nearly as important as whats underneath. In life as well as when you think you are ready to be married.

Wiscisbliss · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_readyold-enoughetc-marriage-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a9ffaf17-6a8e-4477-9982-4667f068b264Post:ddf086c6-ed7b-4157-9382-2c37c2273752">Re: The "Are you ready/old enough/etc. for marriage" Question</a>:
[QUOTE]I just got married at 37 and I still sometimes question if I'm to young to be married.....LOL
Posted by schbucli3[/QUOTE]

Haha! I had this thought too. I was 26 when we got married and I would think, "Am I really mature enough to make this decision?" All signs pointed to yes (live my life as an independent law abiding, job having, home owning citizen), but still felt not quite like a "real adult".

jennylove810 · December 2011

You're ready for marriage when you realize that you don't have to be married to be happy.

If you can live on your own and have a fulfilling life - meaningful relationships with friends and family, a good job that challenges you and provides financial stability, if you're secure within yourself and don't need a romantic partner to make you feel "whole," etc etc, THEN you are ready for marriage.

FWIW, I didn't travel AT ALL before meeting H. We travel together, explore new places together, and I love every minute of it.

jennylove810 · December 2011

Huh. TK ate my post. Awesome.

Well I happen to think it was pretty good so hopefully it gets barfed back up.

SarahPLiz · December 2011

I agree that travel is not a criteria. It would be nice if you left your home town at least once to see some part of the world that's not in front of your face all the time, but extensive travel is not part of everyone's budget, nor does it need to be.

I can see how traveling alone can help develop some independence, but there are other ways to go about that as well.

SarahPLiz · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_readyold-enoughetc-marriage-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a9ffaf17-6a8e-4477-9982-4667f068b264Post:5a80228f-d6fb-498a-8f0a-08ce257d2483">Re: The "Are you ready/old enough/etc. for marriage" Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The "Are you ready/old enough/etc. for marriage" Question : I understand A thread on HM came to mind when I started writing this (along with comments I have gotten). A young bride was stating that her and her FI were under 21 and wanted to be able to drink on their HM and wondered if a resort would let them etc. To me this sounded juvenile and someone (I'll have to find the thread) commented along the lines of "wait until you are adults to get married." <strong>I half agreed with this since the introduction of alcohol can change a relationship, but who's to say they aren't adult enough because of that? </strong>Again, not flaming... I'm just genuinely interested in this. ETA: <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_honeymoon_foreign-resorts-question" rel='nofollow'>http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_honeymoon_foreign-resorts-question</a>
Posted by lbarr088[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>My gut says not so much the introduction of alcohol, but them attempting to act like adults (drinking, getting married) when they are not could be a sign of trying to rebel or run away from something and that's not a healthy way to start a life together. But it could just be the law getting in their way. Maybe they have both been on their own since 16 or something like that, and are more mature than their age would suggest. I don't know them, so I couldn't say.

</div>

lbarr088 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_readyold-enoughetc-marriage-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a9ffaf17-6a8e-4477-9982-4667f068b264Post:44992da1-1846-46cc-b7c7-7000efece4f6">Re: The "Are you ready/old enough/etc. for marriage" Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The "Are you ready/old enough/etc. for marriage" Question : My gut says not so much the introduction of alcohol, <strong>but them attempting to act like adults (drinking, getting married) when they are not</strong> could be a sign of trying to rebel or run away from something and that's not a healthy way to start a life together. But it could just be the law getting in their way. Maybe they have both been on their own since 16 or something like that, and are more mature than their age would suggest.<strong> I don't know them, so I couldn't say.</strong>
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah that makes sense as well. </div><div>
</div><div>Yes. I think the 2nd part is my point. It's really hard to judge where someone is at in their relationship and maturity-wise. My boss knows me through work but not on a personal level very well. It almost stunned me when he said that, because I had never heard someone tell me I was too young until that moment. Ever since then I had wondered what people felt was "adequate criteria."</div>

number55 · December 2011

I am with JennyLove on the part about realizing that you don't need to be married to be happy in life...I actually met my DH about a week after I realized this. Funny how that worked out.

Also, the travel stuff is BS. I had traveled a shitton before I was even 18 just by nature of how my life happened to turn out (I had already visited around 20-25 countries by that time - and now at thirty that list is only at two higher, yes, since my 18th birthday the only other countries I have visited are St. Lucia and Oman). If I used that as a criteria then I would have been ready at 18 - which I wasn't by ANY means.

I think it has a lot to do with life experience and I don't think all life experience is made equal. I would have said that I had a lot of experience with life at 22, when I was first engaged (18-22) but really, in retrospect, I wasn't, I didn't know myself well and I hadn't learned who I wanted to be yet. That isn't to say that there aren't some people who have it figured out that young, I am sure there are some. I don't think there is a formula.

What I do agree with is the idea that the young tend to rush things. They want their lives to unfold more quickly then they should, they want to reach this 'magical time' where they have accomplished so much, yadda, yadda, yadda...what they don't really realize is that that time doesn't exist...at least not really. You hit one benchmark only to face another. And when you rush things, you tend to make mistakes.

KarleeKrause35 · December 2011

I'm a young bride.

It's hard to define what makes a person ready for marriage, because everyone has a different set of values. If I were to wait until I fit someone else's criteria, I don't know if I'd ever be married.
It's important to me to be financially stable. I am, and I take great comfort in knowing that if it all fell down tomorrow, I could take care of myself without any help.

I knew I was ready when I realized that while "forever" is a beautiful idea, it is never guaranteed. It's not just about the possibility of divorce, but death as well. which brings me back to the point about being financially stable. It's a big deal for me to maintain my own purpose and sense of self, because I fully believe that the years will bring hard times and I'm going to need that to carry myself through if our union should become strained.

It was also just being ready to commit. Like I said, I think it's different for everyone.

jemmini6 · December 2011

Really, I think the only thing that is 'necessary' for marriage, is independence. I don't think anyone, regardless of age, should be getting married if they can't support themselves without the help of parents, SO's, or debt. (not to say you can't have any support ever, but if push came to shove and you had to do it all on your own, you should be able to handle that responsibility).

Independence also means that you've been happy being single (not having one relationship after another because you put your self-worth on having a BF), have your own 'life' as in hobbies, friends, etc and have had some sort of life experience, whether it's college, military, travelling, or just plain living on your own.

Considering all that, I think that most young people (particularly 21 and under) don't fit into any of those categories simply because they haven't had the time to do so. It doesn't necessarily mean they aren't "mature", it just means they don't have enough of a foundation as an individual established and I've always been a firm believer that you have to develop your individuality before you can commit to being a couple (learning to crawl before you can run type of thing).

I'm 24 and just got married and I've not had a single person who knows me tell me that I'm too young for marriage. This is because I've been on my own since before I was 18, I've had a lot of life experience, and in general just act like an adult capable of handling the ups and downs of marriage. However, I know several people my age that I would absolutely say are not ready for marriage because everyone reaches these 'milestones' in their own time. So while age itself is not necessarily a determining factor, I think people of certain ages are more likely to be 'ready' for marriage than others.

jayetheartist · December 2011

I think it's more complicated than "maturity" or "independence." When my fiance and I started dating we were both technically mature and independent -- we'd each lived on our own, had at least some post-secondary education, done our share of traveling and experiencing life on our own, etc. But even after we'd been dating a couple of years and had lived together for a while, we were still in no way ready to be married. You have to get to a point where you're not just inserting your future spouse into your own particular future life plans or expecting them to fit into your life without you having to change very many things. It wasn't until we finally started willingly making changes to accommodate each other and amending our separate goals for the future to really include each other that we realized we were ready to be married.

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