Wedding Party

My Sister and MOH dropped out of the wedding....

I have never really gotten along with my older and only sister. She says she wishes I was never born. So anyway, I get engaged, she is my MOH. She couldn't take one hour out of her busy life to come dress shopping for my gown with me. I was disappointed. Then She doesn't like the bridesmaid dress color I pick out (yellow) because it doesn't look good on her. I change my whole color theme for her. 

OK, so flash forward to 2 weeks ago. She tells my mom that if one of her friends isn't invited to my wedding that she is not in it, my 2 nephews are not in it, and that my mom will no longer be allowed to see her grandchildren who she watches 2x a week while my sister works. I am upset but we are having a numbers problem so she cannot invite another friend.  Her best friend, and her in laws are already invited..... 

yesterday, i get a call from my mom crying again that my sister has made the same threat again about taking the grand-kids away from my mom if she isn't back in the wedding. Mind you, this has all been through my poor mom since my sister hasn't called me. 

So I spoke with my sister last night for the first time and she said that she has to be in the wedding, if not my nephews aren't but that she was going to tell them nasty things about me so they think I kicked them out.  I tell her I would prefer her not to be in as she is the one who quit in the first place and I don't need this drama. 

So I am very upset and don't even want to have a wedding at this point. We talked about eloping last night since the stress she has caused me and is zapping all the fun out of the process.  I called my mom this morning and told her that I didn't want to go through with the wedding if my sister was in it because she caused so much stress and is a lose cannon and who knows what she would pull the day off. 

Then I get a call from my mom that my sister just called her told her she is not in the wedding, my nephews aren't, they aren't attending, and not to invite her inlaws or the friends of the family that she is close with. But my mom is still allowed to watch the grand kids. 

I was her MOH and did everything she asked and didn't make a stink about anything. I feel bad for my mom too who she has caused so much pain to... 

I am just so clueless and upset and don't know what to do... help!!!!!! 

Re: My Sister and MOH dropped out of the wedding....

  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 The hills of Tennessee member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper

    Ok breathe deep breaths.

    This situation is just awful, and I am so sorry that you are having to deal with it.  I don't want to rehash the past, but why on earth would you pick her to be your MOH?  It just opened up a drama tidal wave, and really once you pick your bridesmaids, you're stuck with them.  :-/

    At this point, my advice would be to let the chips fall where they may.  Don't discuss anything weddng related with anyone but your FI.  If she has dropped out of the wedding, fine.  Don't worry about finding a replacement for her.  If your nephews were going to be the ring bearers, I also wouldn't worry about replacing them either, as a flower girl/ring bearer are not necessary to have a wedding.

    Basically, don't say anything, don't do anything, and just plan the wedding you want without them factored in.  She will be the one who looks foolish and who will regret this years from now.

    image
    mrsk616runsonveggies
  • I asked her because I thought the process might bring us closer together, but I guess not. :( Thanks for your feedback...
  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 The hills of Tennessee member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I asked her because I thought the process might bring us closer together, but I guess not. :( Thanks for your feedback...
    You should always pick your nearest and dearest as your attendants.  But, lesson learned!  Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on from this.  You have better things to do (i.e. plan a wedding :-) ) than to worry about your dramatic sister.  Seriously, this is a blessing in disguise! Take it and run with it.
    image
    doeydorunsonveggies
  • peachy13peachy13 in my cubicle, doing very important work member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Whoa, really sorry OP. I don't know your sister but it's insane that she's acting like this. It almost feels like she wants to cause problems just so that you to cancel the wedding and elope. Don't let her win; this is your wedding.

    Try your best to keep your head up and keep planning your wedding. Try not to let her negativity and drama ruin your happiness. 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers


  • We had huge issues with DH brother causing issues the whole way through our planning. Everything we wanted was somehow an issue for him. His kids not being invited (no kids were), his dad saying he was going to attend (because he didn't attend BIL wedding as his wife was not welcome there), him not being asked to be a groomsmen (though he was saying he wanted to be asked so that he could decline)- all things he would call and rant about to the family all the while not answering DH's calls at all.

    In the long run my husband took the high ground. He was invited to all events from the couples shower, to the bachelor party, to family pictures before the wedding. He wasn't ever courteous enough to decline - all the while talking shit on us to the family. 

    He didn't attend the wedding and honestly, it made me sad for my hubby but happy that we could have an evening free of his drama~!

    People are who they are. Keep planning your wedding and don't worry about her opinion on what you're doing. She may continue to be a bitch - but take the moral high ground and plan the day of your dreams. <3
  • I've had some issues with my older sister too. She was supposed to be my MOH but now she won't speak to me, and hasn't said a word to me since July when she went psycho at FI's and my engagement party. So I can relate to being stressed about all the drama. 

    PPs have give you great advice, and I agree that it is really a blessing in disguise if she's going to throw a fit and remove herself from the wedding. Let her! Just keep doing what you want to do and keep being happy with your plans and with your FI, and don't waste time trying to deal with her or even worrying about her. Let her sail away into Bitch Land. 

    Don't talk to her about the wedding. If she tries to get nasty with you about it, hang up the phone, walk out of the room, do whatever to avoid engaging in her bullshit. The fact that she's using her children as pawns to get her way is sick. She sounds like a tantrum-thrower. I'm sorry you have to deal with this craziness, but the more you ignore it, the better you'll feel. 
    image
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm very sorry this is happening.  But choosing someone you're not close to, let alone who behaves hurtfully to you, sadly opens the door for this kind of shit.  The choice of wedding party members should not be about avoiding someone else's hurt feelings but about having someone there whom you know loves and supports you, not just someone with whom you share some DNA.

    If all you share with someone is DNA, then IMO that doesn't qualify that person to be at a wedding, let alone an MOH, if they don't get along with you and behave like a childish jerk, especially when they use their kids as weapons against not only you but a third party.

    I'd tell your mom to stop passing along to you your sister's threats and stop talking to either of them about your wedding.  If they all boycott the wedding, it says something about them, not about you, that they did this to you.
    [Deleted User]doeydo
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited November 2014
    It is very hard to deal with family members who are mentally ill.  That is the only explanation I can think of for your sister's behavior.  I am so sorry.
    When I married DH, we came very close to cancelling the wedding and eloping because our two mothers were fighting.  Horrible things were being said.  I asked myself, how will I feel if I don't have my planned wedding ceremony?  Will it bother me for the rest of my life?  Will I feel anger and blame?  I decided to go through with our small church wedding.  Afterward, we moved 1100 miles away from all the drama.  People were very sympathetic at the reception, since the drama continued right through the wedding!
    I am glad I didn't let them win.  I had my church wedding, which was important to both of us.  I wore my white dress and veil.  I got to marry my wonderful husband.  It was worth it.  I like to look at my wedding pictures on our anniversary.
    You can't fix a broken family, and yours is broken.  (Your mother needs to learn to stand up to your sister's threats.)  If you decide to go through with your plans, just hold your head up and smile.  The only one who will look foolish is your sister.  I am betting that she will decide to be back in the wedding.  She wouldn't want to miss all the attention.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    [Deleted User]lc07
  • Put bluntly, your sister is a person with some serious mental health problems.  Using her kids as a whip over your mother's head will not work because she will come to realize that she cannot do without her own mother.  You are free to invite whomever you want to the wedding and your mother is free to attend as the Mother of the Bride.  Your sister is free to continue to decline into her illness, if she chooses.  You cannot win with an untreated mental health patient.  You are not dealing with a rational person who is in control.  Her thought processes are unreasonable, probably due to whatever chemical imbalance she has. 
    My advice...plan your wedding as though none of this happened.  Select another MOH (or not) but have your dream wedding and go on with your life. 
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Your sister sounds fucking nuts!  And why is she threatening your Mom?  Your Mom has nothing to do with anything?  I actually feel really bad for your Mom because I just don't understand why your sister is threatening to take her grand kids away from her.  And like Addie said, anyone to use their kids as a threat need to take a large step away from me and my life.

    Personally I would speak to your Mom and tell her that you are going to plan the wedding like nothing has happened and if your sister wishes to attend she can.  If she wishes to be in the wedding she can.  If she wishes to continue to act like a fucking crazy person she can.  But you are no longer going to play into her immature, bratty and down right insane behavior.

    [Deleted User]
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Don't share any more wedding details with your Mom or sister.

    Your sister is a manipulative bitch, and acquiescing to her demands will only perpetuate the cycle.

    DNA does not give someone the right to treat you like shit.  That's not love.  There is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from crazy, even if she is family.  You will be happier and healthier for it.  


    image
    novella1186esstee33
  • atlastmrsgatlastmrsg member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited November 2014
    All this sucks, it really does, but just let your sister be and continue on with your planning.  You might be better off without her since she's so much of a shit stirrer.  My bet--when the wedding gets close, she's going to want back in and want the nephews back in, etc.  She'll go crazy from being ignored since she sounds like a needy, attention-starved immature brat.

    Now, whether you let her back in is a whole 'nother issue.  I wouldn't.  I'd be done with her.  But either way, prepare yourself for that drama next.

    novella1186esstee33

  • OK, so flash forward to 2 weeks ago. She tells my mom that if one of her friends isn't invited to my wedding that she is not in it, my 2 nephews are not in it, and that my mom will no longer be allowed to see her grandchildren who she watches 2x a week while my sister works. I am upset but we are having a numbers problem so she cannot invite another friend.  Her best friend, and her in laws are already invited..... 

    yesterday, i get a call from my mom crying again that my sister has made the same threat again about taking the grand-kids away from my mom if she isn't back in the wedding. Mind you, this has all been through my poor mom since my sister hasn't called me. 

    Then I get a call from my mom that my sister just called her told her she is not in the wedding, my nephews aren't, they aren't attending, and not to invite her inlaws or the friends of the family that she is close with. But my mom is still allowed to watch the grand kids. 

    I also think think this is a blessing in disguise and you should call her bluff. Look at the above bolded with your mom, she's making a lot of threats but already not following through on them!

    She sounds toxic. I personally could never have someone like this in my life. That type of negativity physically weighs on me. PPs have offered great advice on how to handle her.

    GOOD LUCK!!! <3
    image


    Anniversary
  • zitiqueen said:
    We need to create some sort of sticky that explains in small words why it's a bad idea to think your wedding is the perfect opportunity to a) create instant BFF relationships with people you barely know, or b) magically fix relationships with people you've always hated/people who've always hated you.
    and also if you've had a rocky relationship in the past, and/or the person has acted out before in a really negative way, the wedding sure ain't gonna make that any better. I learned that the hard way with my own crazy sister. 
    image
    doeydo
  • I just feel like she has taken all the fun out of it. But I am more sad about her threatening my mom. i cannot cut my mom out of the wedding planning since I lover her, and she is paying for everything. 
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I just feel like she has taken all the fun out of it. But I am more sad about her threatening my mom. i cannot cut my mom out of the wedding planning since I lover her, and she is paying for everything. 
    But the way your sister is acting towards your Mom is your Mom's issue to deal with.  I don't get why your sister is acting that way towards your Mom when this is your wedding, regardless if your Mom is helping you plan it or not.  Your sister is childish and a brat.  I would ignore her behavior (and your Mom should too) and continue with your planning as normal.

  • I just feel like she has taken all the fun out of it. But I am more sad about her threatening my mom. i cannot cut my mom out of the wedding planning since I lover her, and she is paying for everything. 
    You absolutely do not need to cut your mom out of planning. But when she comes to you about shit your crazy sister has been saying, you need to say "Mom, I don't want to discuss this, and I don't think you should let it get to you. She's just throwing a tantrum again." And then change the subject. Harping on it, dwelling on it, worrying about it, etc is just going to make you and your mom both feel bad and it isn't necessary. The more you ignore your crazy sister's crazy tantrums, the more likely it is that she'll finally simmer down cuz she'll see that she's not getting the big reaction out of you she wanted. 
    image
    esstee33
  • i agree. but my mom is getting all these calls and each call she threatens to take the joy of her grandkids away from her. i have no clue why she is doing this, other than the fact that she really is mentally ill. its so sad. :( i just find it so strange that my sister also doesn't contact me, she chooses to stress my mom out instead.
  • probably very true, thanks... its just hard because she is my only sibling,  so I want her to care and love me. i guess that is never happening and i need to get over it.
  • i agree. but my mom is getting all these calls and each call she threatens to take the joy of her grandkids away from her. i have no clue why she is doing this, other than the fact that she really is mentally ill. its so sad. :( i just find it so strange that my sister also doesn't contact me, she chooses to stress my mom out instead.
    Probably because your mom is the one who reacts to it the most, and your mom is the one she can hurt the most with that threat, so she thinks she has the most leverage there. Your mom should try ignoring her calls, or not reacting to her bullshit. Your mom needs to react to those threats by saying "I'm sorry you feel that way. How about this weather? Have you seen that new movie?" 

    Your sister is acting totally out of control. The more she gets her way and gets a rise out of people and gets catered to, the more she's going to act out of control. Just like my crazy bitch sister. 
    image
    Maggie0829levioosarmcooper83esstee33
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm really sorry. Your sister sounds awful. I think you and your mother need to band together and call her bluff. 

    novella1186
  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 The hills of Tennessee member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    i agree. but my mom is getting all these calls and each call she threatens to take the joy of her grandkids away from her. i have no clue why she is doing this, other than the fact that she really is mentally ill. its so sad. :( i just find it so strange that my sister also doesn't contact me, she chooses to stress my mom out instead.

    Maybe it's because she sees your mom as weak and thinks that by taking away the things that she loves the most she will take her side in the fight?  I don't know, either way it is messed up and should not be happening.  Your sister needs to stop upsetting your mother with these empty threats. But........... that's not your call to make.  Your mom has got to say something to your sister herself.

    image
    rmcooper83
  • Wow. Ok. I thought I was the only one going through this! I'm happy you posted this situation, because all the feedback given to you is what someone was telling me, and I agree. My sister has always tried to ruin my moments for me, and it boils down to pure jealousy and craziness. She is also threating to not let her kids be in my wedding. Our mother passed away 2 years ago, but if she were here I know it would be the same thing. My sister used to hold her kids over my mothers head, but one thing about it, she will always want a break, and your mother will always get the opportunity to give it to her and watch the kids, so don't take that threat very likely! This time is about you, and it only happens once! Enjoy your day! Hell, I'm taking some of the advice given to you too!
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards