Destination guest list issues + family

Rrobinson15 · November 2014

We're having a mid-sized destination wedding and I asked my future MIL for some names (mainly older people) for my fiance's side of the family that I am not too familiar with. She sent me names and addresses but included two of her step-daughters on the invite list. She recently got married and my fiance and I do not know them at all and frankly my fiance does not like the man his mother married, not to mention the fact his father passed away about 5 years ago, so he does not consider them family or even want them at the wedding. I haven't told this to my MIL, but when the invites go out and they are not on it I don't want this to be an awkward conversation. Basically what it comes down to is we don't want them at the wedding because it's an intimate destination wedding with close family and they are not it. What do I tell her if it comes up? Should I bring it up before invites go out???

weddingcactus · November 2014

It sounds like you are intending to invite FMIL and her husband but not the step daughters. We are doing the same, though our list is tiny and no one is invited whose name we don't know. I would ask your fiancé to let his mother know just what you said: that you're inviting only close family and he is not close with her new step daughters. This should be his battle, not yours. As long as you aren't separating couples by not inviting the husband I think you're fine. Anytime you restrict a guest list it is possible feelings will be hurt. But I don't think you need to invite someone you hardly know.

mrs4everhart · November 2014

We didn't invite either of my husband's step-sisters. They're not that close, and we weren't obligated to. If it had come up in conversation we would have told them why but since they weren't paying for any part of it they had no rights to make assumptions or requests about our guest list. They didn't ask and it was never brought up.

If your FI has no relationship with his step-siblings he has no obligation to invite them. The stepdad obviously must be invited, whether he's liked or not.

mikenberger · November 2014

So you're not going to invite your FMILs husband because your husband doesn't like him. One - this needs to be a conversation that he needs to have with his mother. Two - if she's helping pay for any of this wedding, she has a right to invite who she wants there. Three - I would be prepared for his mother not to attend the wedding because you're excluding HER FAMILY.

And intimate and mid-sized are contradictory in size. Be prepared for some hurt feelings on this.

ETA: if you don't want to invite the stepsisters only, if they're minors living in the house with your FMIL, you need to invite them. If they're adults, you don't need to invite them. Once again, just be ready for some hurt feelings.

thisismynickname2 · November 2014

I'm a tad confused. Are you inviting the husband and not the kids, or are you not even inviting the husband? Not liking a spouse is not a good enough reason to exclude one. Your FMIL is part of a social unit.
How old are the kids? Adults? I think if they are adults you can easily exclude them, but if they're teens or younger you may just have to reconsider. If kids cannot come, husband may have to stay home to watch them, and then you FMIL may be very upset...

Jen4948 · November 2014

This is tricky. On the one hand, you do want a good relationship with your FMIL and she'll treat it like a personal smack across the face if you leave them out, especially if she's paying for anything at your wedding; on the other, there are people you don't even know.

Maybe you can get away with noting that your venue can only accommodate a tightly limited number of people and that you couldn't invite people you and your FI are close to-if it's true. Or you can try to meet them beforehand.

Either way, if you don't invite them, I think you might be in for some sticky times ahead. Best of luck!

lovegood90 · November 2014

If someone has a significant other (boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, regardless of how long they have been together), they need to be invited together. So your MIL's new husband must be invited regardless of how your FI feels about him.

Is your MIL paying for the wedding at all? If she is then she gets a say in the guest list and you may have to include the stepdaughters. If she isn't then you don't have to invite them, but I'd expect there to be hurt feelings.

Rrobinson15 · November 2014

mikenberger - The husband is coming, but it was suggested we invite the adult step-daughters who we don't know so it's only them we are not inviting. Secondly, I say intimate to mid-sized because we're inviting around 60 people, and we don't know how many are coming so that's why I say intimate - mid-sized because it's smaller than a wedding we would have here.

Rrobinson15 · November 2014

The husband is being invited, that was never in question. 1. The daughters are grown (1 has a husband and a daughter so more people on the guest list) and they've only been his step-siblings for 5 months. 2. MIL is paying for nothing but the pictures, we're paying for the actual wedding. 3. The relationship I have with my FMIL doesn't allow me to just have my fiance tell this to her, she would want to hear my side of it too.
But what i'm hearing from everyone is that this is going to be awkward and feelings are going to be hurt no matter what.

AddieCake · November 2014

You asked for names of people you are not familiar with and then are pissy that she included her stepdaughters, people you are not familiar with? Hmmmm. I don't feel you need to invite them, but I do find it odd that you are inviting others you don't really know.

Rrobinson15 · November 2014

Yes I asked for people I am not familiar with personally, who i've never met, like his father's aunt and uncle who don't live in the state.

mikenberger · November 2014

Rrobinson15 said:
Yes I asked for people I am not familiar with personally, who i've never met, like his father's aunt and uncle who don't live in the state.

You're going to hurt feelings by doing this. If you're inviting people you're not personally acquainted with already, what is the harm in inviting the stepsisters? I come from a blended family and I was not invited to the wedding of one of my stepbrothers bc of the same reasons: he didn't like my mom ergo didn't like me. I was very hurt. They hadn't even had a chance to get to know me and judged me on their feelings about our parents marriage. Fast forward 10 years: we joke about it now and we're much more family like, but still its a little hurtful to recall how I was treated.

lovegood90 · November 2014

Rrobinson15 said:

The husband is being invited, that was never in question. 1. The daughters are grown (1 has a husband and a daughter so more people on the guest list) and they've only been his step-siblings for 5 months. 2. MIL is paying for nothing but the pictures, we're paying for the actual wedding. 3. The relationship I have with my FMIL doesn't allow me to just have my fiance tell this to her, she would want to hear my side of it too.
But what i'm hearing from everyone is that this is going to be awkward and feelings are going to be hurt no matter what.

Hmm, well you're within etiquette to not invite them, but the only reason I think this may cause hurt feelings is:

- You're already inviting people you don't know well
- Your wedding is around 60 people, which isn't massive but I think you'd have better ground to stand on it your wedding was, say, under 20 people.

That being said, you're obviously within your rights to invite whoever you want as you're paying for the wedding and you aren't splitting up couples.

Rrobinson15 · November 2014

mikenberger said:

Yes I asked for people I am not familiar with personally, who i've never met, like his father's aunt and uncle who don't live in the state.
You're going to hurt feelings by doing this. If you're inviting people you're not personally acquainted with already, what is the harm in inviting the stepsisters? I come from a blended family and I was not invited to the wedding of one of my stepbrothers bc of the same reasons: he didn't like my mom ergo didn't like me. I was very hurt. They hadn't even had a chance to get to know me and judged me on their feelings about our parents marriage. Fast forward 10 years: we joke about it now and we're much more family like, but still its a little hurtful to recall how I was treated.

He is acquainted with his aunt and uncle but I am not. I'm sorry that happened to you, but it is not the same situation here. It's not that we don't like them, he just doesn't consider them family (your definition may be different than ours). The bottom line here is that we just want a way to tell her, if we should tell her, they are not invited.

Rrobinson15 · November 2014

People seem to be stuck on "people I'm not too familiar with". When I say not too familiar, meaning I've met but I don't know them but they are important to my fiance's family. Such as his aunt and uncle who live out of state or his close cousins.

AddieCake · November 2014

They are important to him and are close cousins, etc, but he didn't have their names? And you have met them but don't know their names?

NYCMercedes · November 2014

If you're looking for wording for your FMIL, and she wants to hear it from you, just say FI chose which of his family to invite.

AddieCake · November 2014

NYCMercedes said:

If you're looking for wording for your FMIL, and she wants to hear it from you, just say FI chose which of his family to invite.

Yes. This isn't even your problem to deal with. It's your fiance's mother, so he should be the one to tell her whatever.

Destination guest list issues + family

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