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Inviting the Groomsman's Rude Girlfriend

simplylaurelsimplylaurel member
Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments
edited December 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hello Knotties!

My fiance and I have a predicament. We're working out who we want in our wedding party, and we have a mutual friend that we REALLY want to be a groomsman. He's close with both of us, and we're sure he's going to accept, there's only one problem: his girlfriend.

His girlfriend is extremely jealous of anyone he is close to; friends, family, anyone. She has lashed out at my fiance and I on more than one occasion, and has never made any attempt at apologizing. Obviously, she isn't exactly on the top of our list of Honored Guests for our wedding. Normally this would be a cut-and-dry decision; our venue is tiny, and we're already having to trim a few of our actual friends from our guest list to keep our numbers low enough. Every seat counts, and we don't want to give a space to someone who is actively not our friend. Plus, we just don't want to deal with her rotten attitude on the day or our wedding. But we're worried that if we enlist our buddy as a groomsman and then the girlfriend finds out she isn't invited, she'll refuse to let him participate in the wedding at all.

Advice?

Edit: I know I have to invite her, just...ugh.
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Re: Inviting the Groomsman's Rude Girlfriend

  • misshart00misshart00 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    SimplyLaurel said:

    Hello Knotties!


    My fiance and I have a predicament. We're working out who we want in our wedding party, and we have a mutual friend that we REALLY want to be a groomsman. He's close with both of us, and we're sure he's going to accept, there's only one problem: his girlfriend.

    His girlfriend is extremely jealous of anyone he is close to; friends, family, anyone. She has lashed out at my fiance and I on more than one occasion, and has never made any attempt at apologizing. Obviously, she isn't exactly on the top of our list of Honored Guests for our wedding. Normally this would be a cut-and-dry decision; our venue is tiny, and we're already having to trim a few of our actual friends from our guest list to keep our numbers low enough. Every seat counts, and we don't want to give a space to someone who is actively not our friend. Plus, we just don't want to deal with her rotten attitude on the day or our wedding. But we're worried that if we enlist our buddy as a groomsman and then the girlfriend finds out she isn't invited, she'll refuse to let him participate in the wedding at all.

    Advice?
    Advice? Invite her.
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You have to invite her if they're still together when your invitations go out. Maybe you'll be lucky and they'll be broken up by your wedding.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    If he is invited via being in the wedding or just as a guest she should be invited.

    Think of it this way, wouldn't you expect your FI to back you if he was invited to a wedding and you were not?

    Take a look at this thread:


    cliff notes:   A knottie's SO wasn't invited to a wedding when she was.  The bride basically said he wasn't invited because he is lame and will bring down the vibe of the wedding.    The knottie and the bride are no longer friends.

    Is it really worth a friendship?






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • simplylaurelsimplylaurel member
    Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments
    Thank you SO much for the advice, everyone! I know I have to invite her, I guess I was just hoping for a miracle solution I hadn't considered yet.

    It's not like she's going to stand up and object in the middle of the ceremony, we're just going to have to deal with glares and loud scoffs all day(and more than a few passive-aggressive FB posts for the next few weeks).
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    candidlycathy said:
    Thank you SO much for the advice, everyone! I know I have to invite her, I guess I was just hoping for a miracle solution I hadn't considered yet.

    It's not like she's going to stand up and object in the middle of the ceremony, we're just going to have to deal with glares and loud scoffs all day(and more than a few passive-aggressive FB posts for the next few weeks).
    glad you saw the light.

    Good luck with your planning.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    candidlycathy said:
    Thank you SO much for the advice, everyone! I know I have to invite her, I guess I was just hoping for a miracle solution I hadn't considered yet.

    It's not like she's going to stand up and object in the middle of the ceremony, we're just going to have to deal with glares and loud scoffs all day(and more than a few passive-aggressive FB posts for the next few weeks).
    People like her suck, so hopefully your friend will see the light and drop her like a hot potato.

    I would "unfollow" her on Facebook and use the "custom" privacy setting that lets you show your status/pics/whatever to everyone but her. Then I'd just cross my fingers and hope she's out of his life by the time the invitations go out. That's really all you can do.
    Report Reply
  • esstee33esstee33 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    candidlycathy said:
    Thank you SO much for the advice, everyone! I know I have to invite her, I guess I was just hoping for a miracle solution I hadn't considered yet.

    It's not like she's going to stand up and object in the middle of the ceremony, we're just going to have to deal with glares and loud scoffs all day(and more than a few passive-aggressive FB posts for the next few weeks).
    Maybe they'll break up before your invites go out. ;)
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    wrigleyville said:

    I would "unfollow" her on Facebook and use the "custom" privacy setting that lets you show your status/pics/whatever to everyone but her. Then I'd just cross my fingers and hope she's out of his life by the time the invitations go out. That's really all you can do.
    Agree with this 100% to save you some FB aggravation, especially in a situation where an "un-friend" might cause more drama and hassle than you need to deal with in the lead up to your special day.  On the actual wedding day, you'll be so busy that you'll hopefully be able to avoid her rudeness.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    candidlycathy said:

    Thank you SO much for the advice, everyone! I know I have to invite her, I guess I was just hoping for a miracle solution I hadn't considered yet.


    It's not like she's going to stand up and object in the middle of the ceremony, we're just going to have to deal with glares and loud scoffs all day(and more than a few passive-aggressive FB posts for the next few weeks).
    Trust me - you'll probably barely notice her on the day. You'll have so much going on and the day goes so fast. Put her out of your mind and focus on the day.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    esstee33 said:
    candidlycathy said:
    Thank you SO much for the advice, everyone! I know I have to invite her, I guess I was just hoping for a miracle solution I hadn't considered yet.

    It's not like she's going to stand up and object in the middle of the ceremony, we're just going to have to deal with glares and loud scoffs all day(and more than a few passive-aggressive FB posts for the next few weeks).
    Maybe they'll break up before your invites go out. ;)
    This.  But if she does start glaring and scoffing, I think it's okay to keep your distance from her and let your groomsman know to tell her to knock off the attitude.  Or have someone like a DOC do it.  And block her on Facebook.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    Sixth Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    Invite the GF with the GM friend but make sure the wedding party is not sitting at a Head Table or else this girl will have to sit with you. A sweetheart table is best in this situation so your friend doesn't feel like you are singling him out.
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  • kaitlynmichellekaitlynmichelle member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    Invite her and beyond a hi, thanks for coming, you don't have to interact. You'll be busy!

    BIL's gf is rude to us all the time, but we had to invite her. We had 12 guests so we couldn't not interact, but what's done is done. She was miserable the whole day and it shows in pictures. SHE looks foolish now and I kept smiling the whole day despite her attitude. I'm annoyed by some of the family pictures though.
    image Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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  • HaileyDancingbearHaileyDancingbear member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    candidlycathy said:
    Thank you SO much for the advice, everyone! I know I have to invite her, I guess I was just hoping for a miracle solution I hadn't considered yet.

    It's not like she's going to stand up and object in the middle of the ceremony, we're just going to have to deal with glares and loud scoffs all day(and more than a few passive-aggressive FB posts for the next few weeks).
    You can easily just not pay her any mind at the wedding and hide her on your Facebook- the bolded will just make her look.

    Although that behavior is more her making an ass of herself than anything else, and I personally enjoy watching mean people make asses of themselves.  If it were me I'd pop some popcorn and have a good laugh at the statuses.  And as far as her attitude toward you during the wedding (If for any unlikely reason you CAN'T just avoid her), the nicer you are in return, the more ridiculous she looks.  Respond to a scowl with a smile, and people start to wonder what crawled up her butt, since clearly you're not doing anything wrong.  
    image
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  • badbnagdwaybadbnagdway member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    If this girl is rude or obnoxious it only makes her look bad. Even if you are having an intimate wedding, I would guess you won't notice her much, you'll be so busy celebrating and visiting with guests you actually like. 
    image
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  • traditionallyuntraditionaltraditionallyuntraditional member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Invite her have a sweetheart table and put your GM and his GF further away from you if they both come you probably will forget she's there.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2014
    candidlycathy said:
    Hello Knotties!

    My fiance and I have a predicament. We're working out who we want in our wedding party, and we have a mutual friend that we REALLY want to be a groomsman. He's close with both of us, and we're sure he's going to accept, there's only one problem: his girlfriend.

    His girlfriend is extremely jealous of anyone he is close to; friends, family, anyone. She has lashed out at my fiance and I on more than one occasion, and has never made any attempt at apologizing. Obviously, she isn't exactly on the top of our list of Honored Guests for our wedding. Normally this would be a cut-and-dry decision; our venue is tiny, and we're already having to trim a few of our actual friends from our guest list to keep our numbers low enough. Every seat counts, and we don't want to give a space to someone who is actively not our friend. Plus, we just don't want to deal with her rotten attitude on the day or our wedding. But we're worried that if we enlist our buddy as a groomsman and then the girlfriend finds out she isn't invited, she'll refuse to let him participate in the wedding at all.

    Advice?

    Edit: I know I have to invite her, just...ugh.
    So then I'm not sure what advice you are seeking.

    Whether he's your GM or just a gueest, the GF will have to be invited.  If he's a GM then she has to be including in the rehearsal dinner.

    You won't be spending very much time with her, let alone anyone, at your reception, so just don't worry about it.  You are going to be busy and pulled in too many directions to be spending any significant amont of time with any one person.

    ETA: Ditto PPs who say to unfriend her or block her on FB.  She's a pain in the ass, no need to see her posts and let them aggravate you!  Hopefully your friend will tell her to grow the eff up, too. 

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    HaileyDancingbear said:
    candidlycathy said:
    Thank you SO much for the advice, everyone! I know I have to invite her, I guess I was just hoping for a miracle solution I hadn't considered yet.

    It's not like she's going to stand up and object in the middle of the ceremony, we're just going to have to deal with glares and loud scoffs all day(and more than a few passive-aggressive FB posts for the next few weeks).
    You can easily just not pay her any mind at the wedding and hide her on your Facebook- the bolded will just make her look.

    Although that behavior is more her making an ass of herself than anything else, and I personally enjoy watching mean people make asses of themselves.  If it were me I'd pop some popcorn and have a good laugh at the statuses.  And as far as her attitude toward you during the wedding (If for any unlikely reason you CAN'T just avoid her), the nicer you are in return, the more ridiculous she looks.  Respond to a scowl with a smile, and people start to wonder what crawled up her butt, since clearly you're not doing anything wrong.  
    I second this advice!! I read a great quote once: If you run into an asshole at some point in your day, then you've run into an asshole.... but if you seem to run into assholes all day long, then you're the asshole.

    She's the asshole, not you! Also, do take seriously PPs' point about her boyfriend backing her up. While everyone in the world might hate her, for whatever reason he is with her and presumably loves her and she will probably come first. You would do it for your FI, and you'd expect him to do it for you, right?
    Report Reply
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    JellyBean52513 said:
    HaileyDancingbear said:
    candidlycathy said:
    Thank you SO much for the advice, everyone! I know I have to invite her, I guess I was just hoping for a miracle solution I hadn't considered yet.

    It's not like she's going to stand up and object in the middle of the ceremony, we're just going to have to deal with glares and loud scoffs all day(and more than a few passive-aggressive FB posts for the next few weeks).
    You can easily just not pay her any mind at the wedding and hide her on your Facebook- the bolded will just make her look.

    Although that behavior is more her making an ass of herself than anything else, and I personally enjoy watching mean people make asses of themselves.  If it were me I'd pop some popcorn and have a good laugh at the statuses.  And as far as her attitude toward you during the wedding (If for any unlikely reason you CAN'T just avoid her), the nicer you are in return, the more ridiculous she looks.  Respond to a scowl with a smile, and people start to wonder what crawled up her butt, since clearly you're not doing anything wrong.  
    I second this advice!! I read a great quote once: If you run into an asshole at some point in your day, then you've run into an asshole.... but if you seem to run into assholes all day long, then you're the asshole.

    She's the asshole, not you! Also, do take seriously PPs' point about her boyfriend backing her up. While everyone in the world might hate her, for whatever reason he is with her and presumably loves her and she will probably come first. You would do it for your FI, and you'd expect him to do it for you, right?
    I have to disagree somewhat.  Unfortunately, it's been my experience that if someone acts like an asshole at your special occasion, everyone asks you what you did to provoke them, and you aren't believed when you say "nothing." They point the fingers at you.  Even those who don't blame you keep bringing up "the bitch who made catty remarks and snarled at you" whenever the subject of your wedding comes up after the wedding is over.  And when this is the GF of someone who has to be at any rehearsal dinner and has to sit at the head table with you if you're not doing a sweetheart table, it's pretty damn hard to ignore.

    So, while I'd still invite her, I'd have someone on hand to let the GF know to knock it off and escort her out if necessary-and follow through.  Ignoring it once is one thing, but if you have to spend the whole time ignoring her, she shouldn't be there at all.
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  • JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    Jen4948 said:
    JellyBean52513 said:
    HaileyDancingbear said:
    candidlycathy said:
    Thank you SO much for the advice, everyone! I know I have to invite her, I guess I was just hoping for a miracle solution I hadn't considered yet.

    It's not like she's going to stand up and object in the middle of the ceremony, we're just going to have to deal with glares and loud scoffs all day(and more than a few passive-aggressive FB posts for the next few weeks).
    You can easily just not pay her any mind at the wedding and hide her on your Facebook- the bolded will just make her look.

    Although that behavior is more her making an ass of herself than anything else, and I personally enjoy watching mean people make asses of themselves.  If it were me I'd pop some popcorn and have a good laugh at the statuses.  And as far as her attitude toward you during the wedding (If for any unlikely reason you CAN'T just avoid her), the nicer you are in return, the more ridiculous she looks.  Respond to a scowl with a smile, and people start to wonder what crawled up her butt, since clearly you're not doing anything wrong.  
    I second this advice!! I read a great quote once: If you run into an asshole at some point in your day, then you've run into an asshole.... but if you seem to run into assholes all day long, then you're the asshole.

    She's the asshole, not you! Also, do take seriously PPs' point about her boyfriend backing her up. While everyone in the world might hate her, for whatever reason he is with her and presumably loves her and she will probably come first. You would do it for your FI, and you'd expect him to do it for you, right?
    I have to disagree somewhat.  Unfortunately, it's been my experience that if someone acts like an asshole at your special occasion, everyone asks you what you did to provoke them, and you aren't believed when you say "nothing." They point the fingers at you.  Even those who don't blame you keep bringing up "the bitch who made catty remarks and snarled at you" whenever the subject of your wedding comes up after the wedding is over.  And when this is the GF of someone who has to be at any rehearsal dinner and has to sit at the head table with you if you're not doing a sweetheart table, it's pretty damn hard to ignore.

    So, while I'd still invite her, I'd have someone on hand to let the GF know to knock it off and escort her out if necessary-and follow through.  Ignoring it once is one thing, but if you have to spend the whole time ignoring her, she shouldn't be there at all.
    And that person would be the groomsman. In all seriousness, if someone's partner is that much of a douchebag to people (especially at private events they've been invited to), then one of the consequences of dating a douchebag is having to deal with the trouble they cause with your friends and family. If she was really acting out, and the bride/groom wasn't comfortable addressing her directly, I would have the groom pull his GM aside and say "Hey, your girl's been making some pretty nasty remarks towards us all night... is everything ok? It's really uncomfortable." Tough shit for the GM who wants to date a jerk. 

    Also, people who bring up stuff like that after the wedding are busybodies with nothing better to do than gossip and instigate drama. Those are the people to bean dip:

    "What's up with that chick?? What did you do to piss her off so much?"
    "Honestly, from the moment I saw her today she seemed to be in a bad mood. Maybe she's dealing with some personal things, but either way, it's not really my place to talk about her. Are you having a good time today?"
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'd still have an additional person available to do it even if the GM drops or throws away the ball concerning his GF.
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  • jenijoykjenijoyk member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    It sounds like you're inviting her and this is all moot at this point, but the thing with not inviting an SO is that you're not just snubbing the asshole you don't want to invite, but you're snubbing/hurting the feelings of/insulting the person that you DO want there. Even though she sucks, and you'd have no problem snubbing her with a non-invite, you'd hurt the feelings of the guy you love enough to have in your wedding party. That's what I just don't get when people always post on here about the SO they hate enough to not invite. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    jenijoyk said:

    It sounds like you're inviting her and this is all moot at this point, but the thing with not inviting an SO is that you're not just snubbing the asshole you don't want to invite, but you're snubbing/hurting the feelings of/insulting the person that you DO want there. Even though she sucks, and you'd have no problem snubbing her with a non-invite, you'd hurt the feelings of the guy you love enough to have in your wedding party. That's what I just don't get when people always post on here about the SO they hate enough to not invite. 

    While no one wants to hurt his feelings, his GF can't be allowed to keep running off at the mouth and hurting the bride's feelings either. His right to bring her doesn't extend to the couple having to put up with her being rude and insulting with impunity.
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