Seriously... how do you stop TMI?

themuffinman16 · December 2014

My mom and I were on the phone, talking. It gets to where I hardly talk to her, anymore. Her conversations are the very definition of TMI. While I don't have a relationship with my father, anymore, my mother, still, talks about their relationship when they were married. This is the distant, distant past. I am talking 32 years ago. She ALWAYS talks about how he used to beat her. And shares with me everything he used to do to her. She, also, mentions, in gory detail, that he used to rape her. I hate to be calloused, but isn't this why people have friends? I just don't see why anyone would want to share that with their children. I would feel like a jerk telling any victim to not talk about their problems, but this was 32 years ago, and I am her daughter. Am I wrong for thinking I shouldn't be her outlet?

My mother also shares with her grandchildren, the history of abuse (thankfully she does not mention rape in front of the kids, but there will come a time when she will share that with them,). She brings it up like it is every day conversation. I don't know how to get her to stop. It isn't my place with my nieces and nephews to say anything, but I will have kids of my own, one day. Am I being a calloused bitch, or do I have a right to tell her I don't want her to share this stuff with me and definitely not with my children?

mikenberger · December 2014

She shouldn't be sharing these things with you. I would have a very clear conversation with her that you are not comfortable with her comments/stories and would like for her to stop immediately. I would acknowledge her past with your father and whatever other commentary you have about it, but that her stories are no longer a conversation that you will have with her. And if she does it again, stop her immediately and remind her of the conversation you two had and change subject. If she reacts negatively, remove yourself from the conversation entirely.

ETA regarding your nieces and nephews and future children, I would just make a comment that while its inappropriate to speak to you about these things, its very inappropriate to bring these things on others. Especially children. You do not bring adult issues onto the young, impressionable psyche of children. I don't know if I'd necessarily call her out on the grandkids, but I would say "You tell these things to my niece and nephew and it makes me wonder when I have kids? I don't want them to hear these things."

lurkergirl · December 2014

Has you mother ever sought therapy? Sounds like she has some major stuff to work out. Reading this post made my heart ache for your mom. The pain of being hurt like that never leaves, but there are ways to cope with it. You're right that you probably aren't the best outlet, but only because it sounds like she needs professional help.

Instead of being annoyed and feeling like she needs to get over it, maybe try to empathize with the fact that she has lived the last 32 years feeling so tortured and pained that she felt compelled to share the most awful details with her own daughter.

I do think it's inappropriate to share those details with children, but I'm guessing your mom doesn't feel like she can talk to many other people. Unfortunately, many victims feel shame over things that happened to them, so they aren't as likely to open up. She probably thought her daughter would love her enough to not shame and judge her.

lovegood90 · December 2014

So sorry your mom has gone through so much! It sounds like she would benefit from talking to a professional; is it possible to suggest something like this to her?

debbeau · December 2014

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I have a similar situation and feel for you. My mother is still bitter and plays the victim 34 years later. She did not have the abuse issue though. With every year her story got more and more exaggerated so I never had contact with my dad. Finally when my daughter was 2 years old I got up the nerve and told her to stop it. I did not want my child to have to hear this all of the time. Children should not have to deal with adult issues. I wish you luck and think you need to make her aware of how you feel.

themuffinman16 · December 2014

I am not judging her, I am sure my father did most, if not all of those things to her. SHe shares this stuff with everyone, so it is not like she does not talk to people about this. And I have let her vent with the abuse, but I wouldn't want her sharing that with my children, someday. What I didn't like was how she was telling me all of the details of him raping her, I am sure she can talk to a friend, or counselor, someone who is not her daughter. If she had just mentioned my father had raped her, I don't think I would feel as strongly as I do about it. I guess I am just saying I did not need to know everything.

Most times, she discusses private matters at the dinner table, and I just don't think it is appropriate discussion for certain company to hear. A few weeks ago, she was telling this stuff to my 17 year old niece. I mean, can't she tell my niece that my father wasn't a good husband and leave it at that. I don't even like my father, anymore, but I wouldn't go airing what he has done to me to my children or my nieces or nephews. I just feel like that would be incredibly unfair to my children.

Aray82 · December 2014

My suggestion , as lurkergirl's, is therapy/counseling, but sometimes people are resistant to it because it's still stigmatized in some circles as "this makes me a crazy person". It can also be daunting to find a counselor that you like and that takes your insurance and is convenient to get to. Maybe you could start a convo (sometime when she's not in the middle of talking about your dad) that's like, "Mom, I feel so bad that you are carrying this with you all the time, and I don't always feel like I'm equipped to help you talk through all this. I'd really like to help you find someone who deals with this professionally who can really help you with healing." And maybe to could offer to help her research counselors who specialize in domestic abuse in your area. Because yeah, this is a too much for you to take on and especially for your 17 year old niece.

themuffinman16 · December 2014

My mom would never talk to a professional. I wish she would, though. I feel like at 32 years later, these issues are controlling her life. She should have some sort of closure, but she dwells on it. She even used my sister's fb page to talk about how my dad used to beat her, and the things he has done to us. My sister still talks to my dad, so that put her in a very awkward position.

I have gone through some really bad things in my life. When I think about the past, it is fleeting. I feel that is the past's place. If your past rents more space in your brain than the present, you are letting it take over. To me, that is not healthy.

themuffinman16 · December 2014

Thank you @Aray82. She is definitely not the type to go to counseling, but maybe if brought up, when not on the subject of my father, she may. Hopefully she will realize that the if she is no better than 32 years ago, she may need professional help. Thank you for that advice. My mother is very confrontational, and, instead of telling her how I feel., I generally let her do whatever and just not call for a while. But she does need help. Her problem isn't getting better, and she seems to be getting worse.

Aray82 · December 2014

themuffinman16 said:

Thank you @Aray82. She is definitely not the type to go to counseling, but maybe if brought up, when not on the subject of my father, she may. Hopefully she will realize that the if she is no better than 32 years ago, she may need professional help. Thank you for that advice. My mother is very confrontational, and, instead of telling her how I feel., I generally let her do whatever and just not call for a while. But she does need help. Her problem isn't getting better, and she seems to be getting worse.

Thoughts and prayers to you and her--GL! I've found in my own relationships that when you place a suggestion for someone in the context of "this will help me to help you," rather than "you need to do this" it can help make the suggestion go over a little bit better.

Aray82 · December 2014

Oh and I was just thinking how far away 32 years seems....and then I realized "zomg I'm 32!" So...yeah.

CMGragain · December 2014

You are enabling your mother's inappropriate behavior by listening to her. You need to shut her down when she brings up the past. Do suggest therapy.

theartistformerlyknownas · December 2014

Even if she won't go to therapy to help herself, she needs to realize that telling you these things is hurtful to you. She needs to stop at least for that reason, and I would tell her that point blank. My sisters and I gave all had to have that convo with our mom.

I'm sorry yours is putting you through this crap.

wrigleyville · December 2014

People who suffer from PTSD - which I imagine she is but I am so NOT diagnosing her - often relive the emotions and terror as if it's happening right now or just a bit ago. Time isn't time-y to them the way it is to us. A simple scent, sound, or visual can bring everything back as if it just happened or is still happening. Even though it was over thirty years ago, it probably doesn't feel that way to her. Look at how many Vietnam vets still suffer from PTSD.

She needs to get into counseling pronto. I know you said she won't, but it really is the only way she's going to be able to learn to cope with the emotions and flashbacks. This isn't something she can simply talk through; it's going to keep repeating itself until she gets some help.

I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry she went through that, and I'm sorry you and others are bearing that load.

Inkdancer · December 2014

I have had this exact situation with my mother, and it took a lot of repetition of "Mom, I love you and I'm glad you trust me, but I am not equipped to handle this." We're still working on finding a balance--at first, she felt like she couldn't talk to me about her problems at all, which I obviously don't want. But we're getting to a place where she can say "I had a problem with x because of a thing that happened to me" and we can move on from there.

I can suggest only two things: reiterate your discomfort/suggest therapy often, and be patient. For someone who's been hurt so deeply, it can take a long time to even begin processing all this trauma. Do set boundaries, but don't expect them to take right away.

themuffinman16 · December 2014

Thank you, ladies for all of your advice. I really do appreciate it. I will try to work on things with my mom. I tell you, I have come to this site so many times for advice, and I never regret it.

Seriously... how do you stop TMI?

Re: Seriously... how do you stop TMI?

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