Wedding 911

How do I not invite part of the family?

I didn't realize when I got engaged to my fiancé how big of an issue my family would be... But the fairly short family drama story goes like this. 12 years ago, My dad cheated on my mom and left her for the other woman. Since then my dad met a different woman who he is common law with, and she dispises my mom and refuses to sit near her or acknowledge her (as proven by other events). On top of that basic drama, my FMIL met my family at our engagement party a few months ago. It didn't go well, the day of went decently but afterwards we heard from my mom that she can't stand my fiancé's mother because she's so outspoken and obnoxious and my fiance's mom told my fiancé that she thinks my mom is rude and ignorant. Since they won't see each other again until the wedding, I'm a little concerned that someone might say something to stir that issue up. We're hoping if we seat them as far away from each other as possible (we have all 23 guests sitting at one long banquet table), it might resolve that problem. Lastly, and most recently my 18 year old brother asks me who is being invited to our day, (my fiancé and I have decided that it will be immediate family only in order to try to elimate picking favorites between friends and aunts/uncles/cousins), so I ask him why he wants to know, and he says that my mom has been meaning to talk to me about this. Apparently my Italian grandparents (moms parents) don't agree with me having a small untraditional wedding and are threatening to disown me if I don't invite my uncle and his two (extremely horribly behaved) children. My uncle is a bitter divorcee and has said some extremely inappropriate things to my fiancé and I when he found out we were engaged (basically that we were crazy and that it will never last) and on top of that we don't ever see him or talk to him. Also we have decided that absolutely no extended family can be invited in order not to offend my fiances uncles and aunts. I want to stand my ground and tell everyone that this is our day and if they don't like it, not to come! But my dad says that I should just invite him to make everyone happy. I completely disagree, especially since my fiancé and I are the only ones paying for it. We're getting married in 7 months and I would love to hear some other opinions! Please help!

Re: How do I not invite part of the family?

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Make your plans without discussing them with family members. Have your mom seated away from your dad and his SO and your ILs, and don't make any of them dance or be in photos together. Other than that, just hope they act like adults together, and quickly shut down any badmouthing by telling whoever is trying to do it that you don't want to hear it.

    As for your grandparents, if they're not paying for the wedding, they get no say in the guest list or any other aspect of the plans, and if they disown you over not planning your wedding to their specifications, maybe not having them in your lives is for the best.
    weddingcactusretterin[Deleted User]
  • Thank you so much for your opinion Jen4948. I completely agree and I'm glad that I'm not the only one who thinks like that. It's so hard to not feel guilty about the whole situation but I feel so much better that im not just being a crazy bride!
    Jen4948[Deleted User]
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited December 2014
    The family should love you more than they hate each other. They should be able to put it aside for one day. If they can't, they don't have to come. And if they are jerks at the wedding, have someone run interference for you and ask them to remember who the day is about. If they get super out of control, go so far as to ask them to leave.

    As far as the grandparents request, they can kick rocks if they aren't paying. And its ridiculous to disown someone because you didn't invite someone to your wedding. That's insane. You're pretty well off without them if they're this far off the deep end of it.

    I come from a huge blended family and I'm not inviting 1 aunt, 1 uncle and 2 cousins because its my choice. And I don't want to see any of them on the happiest day of my life.

    image
    weddingcactus
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Ditto PPs. You are paying, and you call the shots. Call their bluff. Anybody who would disown someone over this, when you have valid reasons for drawing clear lines, is not worth having in your life anyway.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    edited December 2014
    My H and I wanted a small wedding. His mother is one of 11 kids and had different thoughts. After screaming, yelling, crying, threatening not to come, threatening to plan a vow renewal at the same time, yelling, crying some more and eventually removing H from her will, we still had our small wedding. She came and shut her mouth, but apparently talked tons of shit before and after. H and I give exactly zero fucks. You're paying and you're staying within good etiquette and good hosting. Keep doing what you're doing and avoid talking to anyone about it.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    [Deleted User]
  • If these grown adults can not keep it together and not cause shit for one day, they're not as grown up as they seem.
    retterin
  • Stand your ground. Don't invite anyone other than those you've already chosen to invite. Do not discuss invitations with any other family members. If someone asks, just say it will be immediate family members only and then change the subject.

    You are paying for the wedding, so no one else gets a say in the guest list. If your family insists on pressuring you about this, just say that you will take it under advisement (and then do what you want regardless). If that causes people to be upset to the point of disowning you, that is their problem, not yours.

    I have a similar issue, in that I will not be inviting a whole side of my family. They are bad people who do bad things, and we've been estranged for years now. They won't be happy about it, but them not being happy is far better than a wedding that breaks out in violence or one that causes untold stress for everyone there.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Agree with PPs to stand your ground. We more or less invited in circles. Luckily, my MIL is wonderful and compromised with DH to invite only the closest of her very extended family. She wasn't thrilled at first, but got over it. 

    But damn, ShesSoCold, the will? Really?  Pffft. 
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