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ashley8918
member
WWYD: Son and H issues
ashley8918
member
in Chit Chat
FUCKING SERIOUSLY? I was 90% done writing this post, and I accidentally closed the tab. RAGE.
Anyway, this post is going to be two-fold.
My 7-year-old son has been having some real behavioral issues lately, and I am really at my wits end. I was hoping that my mom could be of some help (let's be honest, I was a... difficult child, to say the least), but she just keeps telling me that it's "normal kid stuff". And, to an extent, it is, but I don't think that she understands the severity. The worst of it is the, almost compulsive-level lying he lies about EVERYTHING. From the usual kid stuff, like: "What do you have in your hands?" "Nothing!"; "Did you take my phone?" "No."; "What happened to your sister's toy? How did it get broken?" "I don't know" to weird, pointless lies like telling me that he had gym class on a day that I know he had music. He will lie about things that literally do not matter (i.e. the gym/music class thing). At this point, I'm pretty sure that 90% of the things that come out of his mouth are a lie. It's especially frustrating because he is an especially bright kid, and I know that there isn't a lack of understanding. He know that lying is wrong, he knows why, and he knows that there is nothing to gain by the mundane, pointless lies. But still it continues. I feel like i've exhausted every possible thing to combat this, and I just don't know what else to do.
SImilarly, he has been stealing. Again, nothing big, but he does it A LOT. He will pocket stupid things like batteries, which he has no use for, from someone's house (and then lie about it of course "I have no idea how those got into my pocket. I didn't put them there"). And just like the lying, he 100% understands what he is doing, and why he can't.
So, that's WWYD Part 1. I feel like a failure as a parent, because I can't get through to him. And it all started kind of gradually; I can't think of a specific event or something that might have triggered this sort of behavior. Any suggestions?
Part 2 has to do with the way my H is dealing with this situation with my son. H has no kids of his own, so parenting has been pretty trial by fire, with no real infant-bonding stage, for him. He really is a great dad (better by leap and bounds than the bio-dad), so I am trying to cut him some slack, but I really think that he is handling this poorly. He is understandably frustrated (as am I) and doesn't really know what to do. The problem lies in the fact that there is a pretty notable difference in the way he treats my son vs. the way he treats my daughter. He is REALLY hard on him, and can sometimes be borderline mean. I honestly feel like he just doesn't like my son (which he would never admit to) and it just makes me so sad for my little guy. I have tried talking to him about it, but he always gets mad and acts like I am being accusatory. Maybe I am, but that is not the intent. I just want him to understand what I am seeing, but it's like I can't get through to him either. Maybe it's my delivery? Do the great and powerful knotties have any advice on how to discuss this with my H and get him to understand, without starting a fight?
P.S. Hey, thanks for rreading my novel!
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Re: WWYD: Son and H issues
I know zip about kids, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I think knowing if this is an "in all environments problem" or a "home environment only" problem will give some insight.
Good luck!
There is no magic answer. Anger and shouting usually just re-enforces his tendency to lie to get out of a problem. ("Did you do your homework today?" "Yes, Mom." "Can I see it?" "Uhh....") Talking calmly about the consequences is the best course. My son is 32 years old, and I still don't trust what he tells me. Fortunately, we have a good relationship. I'm the first one he calls when he is in trouble. He knows I will listen to him without losing my cool (At least I fake not losing my cool!)
At age 7, you have plenty of time to work on this. By the time he is 15, it will be too late. That's when he can get into some REAL trouble! Have you considered family counseling? This might help all of you.
Ridiculous but self serving lies as if saying it (I did not do anything bad) can rewrite the situation. This most often fades away if discussed calmly but matter of fact-ly with nothing punitive, just bringing things back to "what really happened."
It can become a serious problem with a child who feels he is not getting enough attention, or who feels uncertain if he is liked or wanted, even for short periods of time. Months or more when your son maybe feels you and hub and maybe sister are central for all attention, and he is on the sidelines. Spending more time together cannot hurt, and may help. Sometimes long periods of casual time together with nothing going on but quiet talk while doing something together, even just walking, traveling, sitting at the same table doing something while he does homework. Incidental conversation that makes it clear you want his time and company.
Meanwhile if your H has previously been good, get him to drop the Mr Mean routine. Your son is feeling uncertain and fragile, and sarcasm or meanness and disbelief don't help and can hurt and scar long term.
Major changes are hard on kids. We didn't realize how bad it could be until SS went through a tough phase. In a 6 month period, I moved in, he started high school, his mom moved away- then came back pregnant. SS handled it by similarly to how you are.
18 months later, he's still being an asshole teen. However, counseling has been a huge help. His grades are good, behavior in school is better, and he'll go through periods where he's a pleasure to be around (basically, when he doesn't see his mom). Basically, the counselor says he's a normal, angst-ridden teen (albeit one with learning issues).
I admit that I haven't always handled his behavior well. I don't have kids of my own and don't always know what to do. I told him something once that his counselor said he brings up sometimes- I'll always love him and I'll always be there for him- but sometimes I don't like him. It wasn't great parenting but it was great for our relationship. He knows that terrible behavior won't be tolerated but he'll still always be loved. Maybe your H needs to have the same kind of heart-to-heart?
In the meantime, I would encourage you to communicate as much as possible with his teacher(s). I would also see if you can talk to the school psychologist before meeting with a family therapist. It's interesting that you say your H is sort of the "tough guy" with DS. I can tell you that if he is in public school he is getting the total opposite. He's probably not even heard the words "lie" or "steal" and instead is having conversations about honesty, trust, integrity, and making good choices. I'm not always a fan of that approach with every kid, but if he's improving in school, that could be one factor.
Obviously being in the gifted program is also good. If he has a good teacher, she is using differentiation strategies to accommodate his needs within his daily classroom environment (i.e. giving him more challenging work). Like lolo said, some of those acting out behaviors (drawing on the walls, making a lotion mess) are definitely attention seeking. The lying and stealing seem a bit more manipulative though, like he's testing his boundaries and seeing just how much he can get away with.
If he is that bright (which it sounds like he is!), then even though he's lived with H for a few years, he's still aware of the change of marriage (could even be trying to process feelings of love from a non-bio parent/dad and permanence) and didn't you also say that H is adopting your kids? At 7yo, even the brightest kids aren't able to think abstractly, but he has some big things going on in his life. He doesn't have the brain power or vocabulary to articulate his feelings, but they're there, and it sounds like he's processing through a series of negative behaviors.
I'm always hesitant to suggest a child could have ADD/ADHD or any other disorder, but talking to a professional can help you navigate that. If he is diagnosed, there may be additional remedies to explore at school, as well.
I wish you the best of luck,
Sincerely,
The person whose favorite students are the smart hellraisers