How and/or should I un-ask a bridesmaid?

happymrsd2b · December 2014

This bridesmaid and I used to be really good friends. We do not talk as much now. Plus my fiancé thinks that she uses me, but he is not the kind of person that would ask me to choose. The situation that really got me thinking about un-asking her is this: I told my bridesmaids three weeks in advance that we would be trying on dresses and ordering them on a particular Saturday. Well I contacted everyone a day or two before to make sure it was still okay with them and asked IF we needed to change the date to the following Saturday. The other bridesmaids were fine with the chosen Saturday. This bridesmaid informed me that she no longer had a job (and at this point she thought I had changed the date because I suggested to change the date). Well I told her to come anyways to choose a dress and we could wait and order at a later time. Granted.. that text might have confused her, but she claimed she had made plans for the whole Saturday because she thought I had changed the date. She couldn't even take 30 - hr out of that Saturday to try on a dress. I had the date planned for three weeks AND the shop was in the town where she lives. Also, I texted that Saturday to ask if she was coming... NO REPLY ALL DAY! Then she proceeded to text me the following Monday to ask a favor (without mentioning anything about that Saturday). Like I said, we used to be really good friends. Idk what to do. Thanks!

blushingbride8888 · December 2014

I'm so sorry that this is going on. However, I don't think it's appropriate to ask her not to be a bridesmaid. You may want to talk to her about your friendship specifically - what's been going on? Why haven't you talked to her in so long? Is everything OK? What happened with her job. Come at it from a friendship place and forget about the wedding for the moment. Wedding planning usually lasts a year or so and it's over in a flash. Your friends will be there long after the wedding, so it's important to keep those intact.

Maybe she's just dealing with a lot and while it stinks she blew you off, give her the benefit of the doubt. If she wants to drop out of the wedding that's her choice, but I definitely would not ask her not to be a bridesmaid. If you do it's definitely a friendship-ending move. If you do decide to ask her not to be in the wedding, know it's going to be the end of your friendship.

Jen4948 · December 2014

Don't kick her out. As PP has said, it will end your friendship if you do.

A lot of times brides come here to the Knot asking how to kick out bridesmaids because they couldn't make it to parties or on dress shopping trips and spend their time and money on things other than their wedding. News flash: that's their prerogative. By agreeing to be a bridesmaid, they didn't agree to go to trunk shows or make themselves available for DIY projects on demand.

If they blow you off or make hostile comments, that sucks, but it's still not cause for throwing them out. Rather, I'd see if I can have a conversation with them about something non-wedding-related first. Find out what, if anything, could be triggering a bad mood, like a health issue, a breakup of their own, something wrong in their work/study lives, or another personal issue. If they assure you that nothing is wrong, then you can say that you're disappointed that while they seemed to want to be there for you when you first asked them to be a bridesmaid, the vibe you've been getting from them recently suggests otherwise, and find out if you've been part of the problem, because you might have, especially if you've blown them off.

f that's still not the case, then you can say to her, "I'm sorry that you haven't been happy about being a bridesmaid lately. I asked you because you're one of the people I feel closest to, but of late you've been so withdrawn/moody/negative that it's been making me wonder why. Along with getting the dress, being happy for me is the only thing I require of you as my bridesmaid. So if the problem isn't me and you don't want to discuss it, I'd really appreciate it if, when you do decide to get together with me, you check any bad spirits at the door. And if getting together isn't convenient for you, I'd appreciate it if you would let me know ahead of time and not blow me off after saying yes to me. When you no-show, I get worried about you."

zitiqueen · December 2014

happymrsd2b said:

This bridesmaid and I used to be really good friends. We do not talk as much now. Plus my fiancé thinks that she uses me, but he is not the kind of person that would ask me to choose. The situation that really got me thinking about un-asking her is this: I told my bridesmaids three weeks in advance that we would be trying on dresses and ordering them on a particular Saturday. Well I contacted everyone a day or two before to make sure it was still okay with them and asked IF we needed to change the date to the following Saturday. The other bridesmaids were fine with the chosen Saturday. This bridesmaid informed me that she no longer had a job (and at this point she thought I had changed the date because I suggested to change the date). Well I told her to come anyways to choose a dress and we could wait and order at a later time. Granted.. that text might have confused her, but she claimed she had made plans for the whole Saturday because she thought I had changed the date. She couldn't even take 30 - hr out of that Saturday to try on a dress. I had the date planned for three weeks AND the shop was in the town where she lives. Also, I texted that Saturday to ask if she was coming... NO REPLY ALL DAY! Then she proceeded to text me the following Monday to ask a favor (without mentioning anything about that Saturday). Like I said, we used to be really good friends. Idk what to do. Thanks!

Why doesn't she have a job anymore? Did you even ask her?

artbyallie · December 2014

zitiqueen said:

happymrsd2b said:

This bridesmaid and I used to be really good friends. We do not talk as much now. Plus my fiancé thinks that she uses me, but he is not the kind of person that would ask me to choose. The situation that really got me thinking about un-asking her is this: I told my bridesmaids three weeks in advance that we would be trying on dresses and ordering them on a particular Saturday. Well I contacted everyone a day or two before to make sure it was still okay with them and asked IF we needed to change the date to the following Saturday. The other bridesmaids were fine with the chosen Saturday. This bridesmaid informed me that she no longer had a job (and at this point she thought I had changed the date because I suggested to change the date). Well I told her to come anyways to choose a dress and we could wait and order at a later time. Granted.. that text might have confused her, but she claimed she had made plans for the whole Saturday because she thought I had changed the date. She couldn't even take 30 - hr out of that Saturday to try on a dress. I had the date planned for three weeks AND the shop was in the town where she lives. Also, I texted that Saturday to ask if she was coming... NO REPLY ALL DAY! Then she proceeded to text me the following Monday to ask a favor (without mentioning anything about that Saturday). Like I said, we used to be really good friends. Idk what to do. Thanks!

Why doesn't she have a job anymore? Did you even ask her?

Seriously. I would be much more concerned about her as a friend than a bridesmaid at this point. Plus, it seems she was trying to tell you somewhat indirectly that she can no longer afford the dress, and you basically ignored that.

AddieCake · December 2014

I agree with Ziti and Allie. The only thing you seem to care about is that she couldn't come to the dress appointment. Maybe she can no longer afford the dress. Telling her she can order it later does not necessarily change whether or not she can afford it later. Be a friend first and a bride second here and find out what is going on before you complain about her and consider kicking her out of your wedding over a missed dress appointment. Do you really want to be that guy? "Why is Jane not in your wedding?" "Oh, I kicked her out because she forgot about a dress appointment, didn't respond to a text, and asked me for a favor without apologizing." Pfffft.

redoryx · December 2014

Your friend lost her job but all you seemed to be focused on is the fact that she was unable to attend a dress appointment for a dress she may not be able to afford any longer because she no longer has a job. It's possible she was too embarrassed to tell you she could no longer afford it but couldn't figure out a way to politely say that since you seemed so focused on getting her to the appointment.

Perhaps you should take a step back for a second and consider a change in perspective. Then text your friend and ask how she's doing. go to her as a friend talking to a friend, not a bride talking to a bridesmaid

Viczaesar · December 2014

Oy vey.

Jen4948 · December 2014

I'd stop worrying about dress shopping with her for now and stop sending her texts. Show some interest in what's going on with her rather than expecting her to care about your wedding for the time being.

happymrsd2b · December 2014

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. I appreciate the different perspectives. I would like to clear up that I did not absolutely ignore the fact that she lost her job. I did ask her what happened with her job and the reply I received was "I'm not in the mood to discuss." She did not want to tell me at the time. Also, I am not requiring my bridesmaids to have the same dress. They had several to choose from with different price ranges as well.

How and/or should I un-ask a bridesmaid?

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