Too many kids in bridal party, what do I do?

kmmssg · December 2014

ohannabelle said:

Whoa whoa whoa.
A developmentally delayed autistic child asked you if she could be a flower girl.
This means she wants to wear a pretty dress and walk down an aisle with flowers.
You said yes.
End of story.

You may not hurt her feelings by changing your mind and demoting her. That is cruel. Not the behavior of a kind or mature person.

You may not go back on your word, because that teaches children that adults are not to be trusted and that it's okay to be dishonest, to say one thing and do another. This is also damaging to their behavior.

As an adult, and family member, you have the responsibility of demonstrating kind and ethical behavior to the children of that family.

When I tell a kid, you are now going to behave or there will be serious consequences, guess what? They believe me, 100% and absolutely. Because I keep my word with them, always. If I say there will be ice cream, or you will get a bouquet to carry, they know this will happen. Children need to be able to trust the word of adults in their lives. It is wrong on many many levels to break that trust.

You're getting absurdly hung up on meaningless labels here. Call her a bridesmaid, or attendant, or flower girl, or whatever. Who cares? Are you having this label carved in stone somewhere? The census takers aren't coming by to legally verify and license members of the wedding party, there is absolutely no etiquette standard that dictates what age or how many or what you call them. This is just a bizarre over-complication you're creating, at the expense of a child's feelings and ethical development.

Another big fat hug from me. My son is also on the Autism Spectrum and I knew this was a really hot button issue for me and I wanted to take a big chill before I responded. You said it all for me and I thank you thank you thank you.

flantastic · December 2014

Erikan73 said:

Talk to the 11 year olds parents & tell them that you would like to include her but wanted to check with them to see what they think she would be comfortable and capable of doing. Give them a few options from doing a reading, handing out programs (if you are doing that) or if you are doing bubbles or wands or something else to help handing those out. This way you can include her in an age approriate part but something her parents think she can handle and she can feel a part of the day with her cousins.

No. These are the BS, non-honor made-up jobs that have been discussed above. Even if she's developmentally at age 7, she'll still be able to understand that her sister gets to be the pretty flower girl and her job could have been done by a basket.

ohannabelle · December 2014

flantastic said:

Erikan73 said:

Talk to the 11 year olds parents & tell them that you would like to include her but wanted to check with them to see what they think she would be comfortable and capable of doing. Give them a few options from doing a reading, handing out programs (if you are doing that) or if you are doing bubbles or wands or something else to help handing those out. This way you can include her in an age approriate part but something her parents think she can handle and she can feel a part of the day with her cousins.

No. These are the BS, non-honor made-up jobs that have been discussed above. Even if she's developmentally at age 7, she'll still be able to understand that her sister gets to be the pretty flower girl and her job could have been done by a basket.

An 11 year old with a developmental age of seven is perfectly capable of walking down an aisle, in the same way a seven year old is.

She is probably also capable of understanding being excluded, and not being ltreated like the other kids. I'm sure it happens all the time.

I misread the original post.

The eleven year old didn't ask, another niece did. That takes my original advice down from a boil to a simmer.

However, if all the other kids are included, she should be, as well.

The planning and party thing is just weird. If you have children in your wedding party, they don't plan showers or go to bachelorette parties at bars. How hard is that to figure out? For that matter, adult bridesmaids aren't obligated to do this, either.

abbyj700 · December 2014

It was amazing at our wedding...people signed the guest book (that wasn't even a book mind you) all by themselves! I hope this phenomenon spreads like wildfire throughout the rest of the country and world... :-)

You asked one child already- she's in either way - you can't take that back. Sorry.not.sorry.

And I'm going to have to agree with PP that the way you talk about your future 11 year old niece really rubs me wrong. Your FI loves her and wants her in the wedding - what else is there to consider?

Too many kids in bridal party, what do I do?

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