At what age do SO invites become necessary?

MGP · December 2014

plainjane0415 said:

Yes @adk19. I agree wholeheartedly. I've said this before and I will say it again, FI and I had been dating for one month (maybe less, this has been almost 8 years ago now) and his sister invited me to her wedding no questions asked. She could have easily said, yea not inviting her, who knows if it will last, but she didn't because... Well, she's awesome and quite frankly a decent human being.

Your SIL has the foresight that many other people lack. Fortunately my brother and SIL had the same and invited my then boyfriend/now husband to their wedding after we had only been dating about six months. They didn't judge if the relationship was serious or had potential for longevity because it wasn't their place, they just did it because it's the right thing to do and they are great people.

Seriously, do people not realize how awkward that makes a family dynamic down the road? People don't forget when they are treated poorly. Who wants to be "the bitch that didn't invite me to her wedding"? Not me.

AddieCake · December 2014

I fail to see how trying to convince someone that they do not get to determine the significance or validity of someone else's relationship is me being immature, but you're right that I will not be able to convince you. Some people simply do not have it in them to do the right thing.

kao2015 · December 2014

Knottie01055312 said:

I totally agree with @HPUgirl27. Etiquette isn't always black and white, which is why this thread was started to begin with. I'll never understand why "adults" can't respectfully disagree with someone else's opinion.

@koa2015, it's funny you mention Emily Post, because I have one of her wedding etiquette books. I quote: "Partners of invited guests must be included in wedding invitations. This includes couples who are married, engaged, or living together...whether you or anyone in the wedding party knows them or not." I'm taking this one step further and inviting SOs of guests who aren't married, engaged, or living together if it'd feel awkward/wrong not to include them. But according to this book, there's no obligation to do that.

@AddieCake, clearly your opinion is that any and all relationships fall into the SO category. I don't agree with that. To me, having a SO means having someone significant in your life. While FI's cousin doesn't currently have a BF, all of her past relationships have only lasted a week or two. I don't see anything significant about that at all. If the wedding rolls around and she has a more serious BF, I'll address it then. You can argue your point all you want, but it's just your opinion. At the end of the day, it doesn't make you right.

Unless she specifically said "you don't have to invite significant others that aren't living together or engaged," this doesn't really counter my point. Two pages before the quote I used she says something similar to what you quoted here, but not every such list of who you have to invite is going to be exhaustive. The book I have also doesn't have any information about my obligations as a host of a black tie event--that does not mean these obligations don't exist.

As far as respectfully disagreeing with other adult's opinions: etiquette is not an opinion. Just because someone thinks it's okay to have a cash bar doesn't make it not rude as hell. This is no different. And I don't feel like re-reading all the comments, but I really don't think most people were being disrespectful. We're trying to explain to that what you're doing is rude and is likely to offend people, because it is not your place to decide whether someone's relationship is significant--that's their decision to make. That's not disrespectful. Meanwhile, you're going around telling people to grow up.

Knottie1463426215 · December 2014

Ya'll are the cattiest group of girls I've ever come across. Because you don't agree with me I'm not a decent person and don't have it in me to do the right thing? You know nothing about me! How ironic that you're calling me judgemental. What do you call yourselves? I'm not commenting on this thread again. I have better things to do.

fwtx5815 · December 2014

kao2015 said: Knottie01055312 said: I totally agree with @HPUgirl27. Etiquette isn't always black and white, which is why this thread was started to begin with. I'll never understand why "adults" can't respectfully disagree with someone else's opinion.
@koa2015, it's funny you mention Emily Post, because I have one of her wedding etiquette books. I quote: "Partners of invited guests must be included in wedding invitations. This includes couples who are married, engaged, or living together...whether you or anyone in the wedding party knows them or not." I'm taking this one step further and inviting SOs of guests who aren't married, engaged, or living together if it'd feel awkward/wrong not to include them. But according to this book, there's no obligation to do that.
@AddieCake, clearly your opinion is that any and all relationships fall into the SO category. I don't agree with that. To me, having a SO means having someone significant in your life. While FI's cousin doesn't currently have a BF, all of her past relationships have only lasted a week or two. I don't see anything significant about that at all. If the wedding rolls around and she has a more serious BF, I'll address it then. You can argue your point all you want, but it's just your opinion. At the end of the day, it doesn't make you right. Unless she specifically said "you don't have to invite significant others that aren't living together or engaged," this doesn't really counter my point. Two pages before the quote I used she says something similar to what you quoted here, but not every such list of who you have to invite is going to be exhaustive. The book I have also doesn't have any information about my obligations as a host of a black tie event--that does not mean these obligations don't exist.

As far as respectfully disagreeing with other adult's opinions: etiquette is not an opinion. Just because someone thinks it's okay to have a cash bar doesn't make it not rude as hell. This is no different. And I don't feel like re-reading all the comments, but I really don't think most people were being disrespectful. We're trying to explain to that what you're doing is rude and is likely to offend people, because it is not your place to decide whether someone's relationship is significant--that's their decision to make. That's not disrespectful. Meanwhile, you're going around telling people to grow up.
//////////////boxes not working/////////////////
It's a real shame that you have an etiquette book and still refuse to apply the rule properly. To the red bolded -- If it had said "Partners of invited guests must be included in wedding invitations. This ONLY includes couples who are married, engaged, or living together...." then you would be right. But that's not what it says.

It's not excluding the people who don't fall into that category; it is explicitly including the people that do.

AddieCake · December 2014

My belief that you're not doing the right thing is not because I disagree with you. We can disagree about any number of things that would not paint you as being inconsiderate. This issue, however, makes you appear to be a real jerk. Deciding for someone else that their relationship is not significant is not a nice thing to do. Not inviting someone that your guest is dating is not a nice thing to do. It is baffling that you think this is acceptable. I hope nobody in your fiance's life ever treats you like you are not significant based on criteria they have set up to determine that because I wouldn't wish that unkindness on anyone.

lightningsnow · December 2014

Knottie01055312 said:
I'm sure I'll have a number of people jump down my throat for saying this, but I'm against handing out +1s just for the sake of handing them out. FI and I are having a very small, intimate wedding, and there's a good amount of family we're not even inviting (e.g. the only cousins I'm inviting are those in my bridal party). We're giving +1s to our wedding party and anyone out of college who would otherwise be coming alone. But college-aged kids? Sorry, but these are not adults. Eighteen used to be the age that marked adulthood, but today kids live off of the parents, move back home, stay on their parent's insurance until 26... Sorry, but this isn't adulthood. One of FI's cousins will be 18 by the time we send out our invites. She changes boyfriends like she changes socks, just like most highschoolers. She'll be traveling to our wedding with her parents, staying at a hotel with her parents. I'm not going to pay $200 for her to bring her flavor of the week. Besides, where would he stay? With her parents too?

I lived with my parents until I was 25 and I wasn't in college. My bf lived with his parents until he was 29 and he wasn't in college either.

MGP · December 2014

lightningsnow said:

I'm sure I'll have a number of people jump down my throat for saying this, but I'm against handing out +1s just for the sake of handing them out. FI and I are having a very small, intimate wedding, and there's a good amount of family we're not even inviting (e.g. the only cousins I'm inviting are those in my bridal party). We're giving +1s to our wedding party and anyone out of college who would otherwise be coming alone. But college-aged kids? Sorry, but these are not adults. Eighteen used to be the age that marked adulthood, but today kids live off of the parents, move back home, stay on their parent's insurance until 26... Sorry, but this isn't adulthood. One of FI's cousins will be 18 by the time we send out our invites. She changes boyfriends like she changes socks, just like most highschoolers. She'll be traveling to our wedding with her parents, staying at a hotel with her parents. I'm not going to pay $200 for her to bring her flavor of the week. Besides, where would he stay? With her parents too?
I lived with my parents until I was 25 and I wasn't in college. My bf lived with his parents until he was 29 and he wasn't in college either.

Well unfortunately according to this clueless person's judgment criteria you do not qualify as an adult. Welcome to the club. It sucks here.

Signed,

Fellow Judged Non-Adult

lightningsnow · December 2014

MGP said:

lightningsnow said:

I'm sure I'll have a number of people jump down my throat for saying this, but I'm against handing out +1s just for the sake of handing them out. FI and I are having a very small, intimate wedding, and there's a good amount of family we're not even inviting (e.g. the only cousins I'm inviting are those in my bridal party). We're giving +1s to our wedding party and anyone out of college who would otherwise be coming alone. But college-aged kids? Sorry, but these are not adults. Eighteen used to be the age that marked adulthood, but today kids live off of the parents, move back home, stay on their parent's insurance until 26... Sorry, but this isn't adulthood. One of FI's cousins will be 18 by the time we send out our invites. She changes boyfriends like she changes socks, just like most highschoolers. She'll be traveling to our wedding with her parents, staying at a hotel with her parents. I'm not going to pay $200 for her to bring her flavor of the week. Besides, where would he stay? With her parents too?
I lived with my parents until I was 25 and I wasn't in college. My bf lived with his parents until he was 29 and he wasn't in college either.

Well unfortunately according to this clueless person's judgment criteria you do not qualify as an adult. Welcome to the club. It sucks here.

Signed,

Fellow Judged Non-Adult

Is there cookies in this club? Because if so, I will gladly accept my invitation into this club. Also, BF and I were dating for 4 years before we moved in with each other. So I guess we weren't serious according to another poster.

Some people are just ridiculous in their attempts at justifying their rude behavior. I just don't get it some times.

levioosa · December 2014

lightningsnow said:

MGP said:

lightningsnow said:

I'm sure I'll have a number of people jump down my throat for saying this, but I'm against handing out +1s just for the sake of handing them out. FI and I are having a very small, intimate wedding, and there's a good amount of family we're not even inviting (e.g. the only cousins I'm inviting are those in my bridal party). We're giving +1s to our wedding party and anyone out of college who would otherwise be coming alone. But college-aged kids? Sorry, but these are not adults. Eighteen used to be the age that marked adulthood, but today kids live off of the parents, move back home, stay on their parent's insurance until 26... Sorry, but this isn't adulthood. One of FI's cousins will be 18 by the time we send out our invites. She changes boyfriends like she changes socks, just like most highschoolers. She'll be traveling to our wedding with her parents, staying at a hotel with her parents. I'm not going to pay $200 for her to bring her flavor of the week. Besides, where would he stay? With her parents too?
I lived with my parents until I was 25 and I wasn't in college. My bf lived with his parents until he was 29 and he wasn't in college either.

Well unfortunately according to this clueless person's judgment criteria you do not qualify as an adult. Welcome to the club. It sucks here.

Signed,

Fellow Judged Non-Adult

Is there cookies in this club? Because if so, I will gladly accept my invitation into this club. Also, BF and I were dating for 4 years before we moved in with each other. So I guess we weren't serious according to another poster.

Some people are just ridiculous in their attempts at justifying their rude behavior. I just don't get it some times.

Add me to the list. I guess working two full time jobs, going to school full time, and paying all of my bills means nothing since I still lived with my parents during the majority of college. Adult disqualified!

thisismynickname2 · December 2014

I got drunk bingo reading this, guys. Wooo! (Ok, I lie, I'm at work so can't be drunk. But bingo!)

Allow me to illustrate why no one can judge the "significance" of anyone else's relationship:

Exhibit A) My parents. Married within 6 months of meeting and my mom left her home country to join my dad here in the States. Married 37 years this January.

Exhibit

My best childhood friend. Met a guy her freshman year of college and they were talking marriage within a month of knowing each other. Engaged shortly thereafter. Now married 11 years.

Exhibit C) Acquaintance of mine. Met a guy on POF and were talking marriage within one week. Married four months later. Now married over four years.

A two week relationship is not necessarily a flavor of the month.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

thisismynickname said:

I got drunk bingo reading this, guys. Wooo! (Ok, I lie, I'm at work so can't be drunk. But bingo!)

Allow me to illustrate why no one can judge the "significance" of anyone else's relationship:
Exhibit A) My parents. Married within 6 months of meeting and my mom left her home country to join my dad here in the States. Married 37 years this January.
Exhibit My best childhood friend. Met a guy her freshman year of college and they were talking marriage within a month of knowing each other. Engaged shortly thereafter. Now married 11 years.
Exhibit C) Acquaintance of mine. Met a guy on POF and were talking marriage within one week. Married four months later. Now married over four years.

A two week relationship is not necessarily a flavor of the month.

My parents are Exhibit A as well. Married within two months of knowing each other. (They were actually already married at the surprise engagement party their friend threw for them.) Mom left her home country to live with dad in the states. In March they will have been married for 39 years.

plainjane0415 · December 2014

My parents got married after 8 months. 41 years together in March.

ETA: They were 18 and 19, and neither went to college. So, are they considered adults now or no?

PrettyGirlLost · December 2014

The newsletter strikes again!

snakeylady · December 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

The newsletter strikes again!

I haven't been on in a few days and I came back to see a whole bunch of reply notifications and wondered "Oh god what happened in that SO thread?"

That said, the judgement by some in this thread of people over age 18 as not being "real" adults made me pretty miffed. It's the same mentality that made my other cousin include my younger brother, fiance, and myself on my parents' invitation to her wedding despite us all being in our twenties and fiance and I living together and engaged at the time the invites went out.

Also, apparently, my FBIL isn't an adult despite being fiance's older brother, because he is a person with intellectual/developmental disabilities and will never live completely independently. -_-

AlexisA01 · December 2014

AddieCake said:
I will forever be baffled at the audacity of people to presume to decide for others what is and is not a significant other or a serious relationship.

You know I faced issues with this in my culture especially the religious part of being a Muslim. Your significant other was your husband. There was no boyfriend, fiance(e), etc. Now im talking conservative not liberal but sometimes with traditions it would still be enforced even in America.

AddieCake · December 2014

AlexisA01 said:

I will forever be baffled at the audacity of people to presume to decide for others what is and is not a significant other or a serious relationship.
You know I faced issues with this in my culture especially the religious part of being a Muslim. Your significant other was your husband. There was no boyfriend, fiance(e), etc. Now im talking conservative not liberal but sometimes with traditions it would still be enforced even in America.

When it's a religious thing, it's a completely different kettle of fish.

SP29 · December 2014

A significant other is anyone who presents themselves as a social unit. If in your religion you would not be out alone/ or attending a gathering together with a man/woman until you are married, then yes, you would not be a social unit until you are husband and wife. However, if you are dating for 2 weeks (or 2 days!) and you meet your friends and introduce the person beside you as, "this is my girlfriend/boyfriend X" then you are a social unit. Simple.

Invite your wedding guests as you would invite them if you were having them over for dinner. Would you invite your guest to join you and your FI to dinner with your other couple friends without their bf/gf/fiance/husband/wife? No, that would be rude.

And no one should judge the seriousness of another's relationship or whether someone is an adult or not.

I met my now husband when I was 14 and he was 15. We didn't get married until we were 26 and 27, after being engaged and living together for 2 years. We lived long distance for 6 years prior. I also lived at home until I was 24, and then didn't have a "real" job (had part time jobs- but not fully self sufficient) until I was 26 because I was going to school for my bachelors and masters degree.

So up until I was 26, was I not an adult? Actually, at 23 I worked full time for a year between my degrees, so was I an adult for a year, then returned to being a child when I moved in with DH who supported me (along with student loans) while I finished school? Yay! I'm an adult again! Paying student loans, bills and saving for a house!! (lots of sarcasm on the loan and bill paying).

Were DH and I not serious until we were 24? 26? I think maintaining a long distance relationship for 6 years is VERY serious (not that anyone who meets and moves in/gets married sooner is not serious either!).

Long story short, to answer the OP- I think when someone is 18- or a legal adult (regardless if they are in school or not, I don't see how that matters, adults go to school) their SO should be invited. If they are a teen, it would be a nice consideration but a good idea to talk to the parents first.

frenchiekin · December 2014

Completely agree with PPs regarding deciding whether someone is an "adult" (the law has already decided that for you, it's age 18 - regardless of your judgments on how that person is currently living his/her life) or whether someone's romantic relationship is significant enough to warrant an invite. Not the place of the hosts to judge that, and speaking from experience it can be extremely hurtful to be invited solo because you didn't make the "living together" cut-off or whatever the rule was.

Also wanted to add, I don't understand the "but we have a huge family/I have a billion first cousins and half of them have a new fling every week, we just don't have the budget or space!!" I get it. My mom is one of 9 and my dad is one of 6. I have 40 first cousins to myself alone, nevermind FI's family. Half of our friends are currently single (we're 10 months out now). When we sat down to write our initial guest list, I wrote in a guest for EVERYONE. We are not going to be giving plus-ones, but we needed to make sure we were covered budget and space-wise just in case all of our currently single guests have coupled up (per THEIR definition) by the time our invites go out. So, our final number may go way down by the time we get there because some of our family and friends have remained single and will thus be invited solo, but if not, we don't need to freak out because we've planned on everyone having an SO from the very beginning. Those just-in-case SO's were not in addition to the number of guests we could afford - they were included in the budget. That's how you get to your number.

Also, regarding the 18+ cousins who seem to have a new flavor of the week every week, I don't get how this is an issue either. You plan on them having an SO from the beginning. When you are ready to address invites, you call them up and ask if they are in a relationship, and for that person's name. If they are, you address the invite to both of them. If they are still together 6-8 weeks later at your wedding, GREAT! You should be happy for them as it seems this one is going well! If they happen to break up before your wedding, then your cousin is coming solo anyway, since invites by name are non-transferable. Your non-problem is solved.

huskypuppy14 · December 2014

frenchiekin said:

Completely agree with PPs regarding deciding whether someone is an "adult" (the law has already decided that for you, it's age 18 - regardless of your judgments on how that person is currently living his/her life) or whether someone's romantic relationship is significant enough to warrant an invite. Not the place of the hosts to judge that, and speaking from experience it can be extremely hurtful to be invited solo because you didn't make the "living together" cut-off or whatever the rule was.

Also wanted to add, I don't understand the "but we have a huge family/I have a billion first cousins and half of them have a new fling every week, we just don't have the budget or space!!" I get it. My mom is one of 9 and my dad is one of 6. I have 40 first cousins to myself alone, nevermind FI's family. Half of our friends are currently single (we're 10 months out now). When we sat down to write our initial guest list, I wrote in a guest for EVERYONE. We are not going to be giving plus-ones, but we needed to make sure we were covered budget and space-wise just in case all of our currently single guests have coupled up (per THEIR definition) by the time our invites go out. So, our final number may go way down by the time we get there because some of our family and friends have remained single and will thus be invited solo, but if not, we don't need to freak out because we've planned on everyone having an SO from the very beginning. Those just-in-case SO's were not in addition to the number of guests we could afford - they were included in the budget. That's how you get to your number.

Also, regarding the 18+ cousins who seem to have a new flavor of the week every week, I don't get how this is an issue either. You plan on them having an SO from the beginning. When you are ready to address invites, you call them up and ask if they are in a relationship, and for that person's name. If they are, you address the invite to both of them. If they are still together 6-8 weeks later at your wedding, GREAT! You should be happy for them as it seems this one is going well! If they happen to break up before your wedding, then your cousin is coming solo anyway, since invites by name are non-transferable. Your non-problem is solved.

I think the issue is that they feel they have to invite their cousins, because they're family. So now these brides/grooms feel obligated to invite these people and including SO, that adds 2 people that they may not even want there.

If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to make you're own guest list. I didn't invite all of my cousins, because I'm not close to all of them.

StarryNight97 · December 2014

*DISCLAIMER* I acknowledge that I'm stomping all over what many of you consider proper etiquette. Do not read if you are easily offended.

I was interested in the forum post because I have a large family with many cousins, and if I let everyone bring a SO it would spiral out of control. To my surprise, this was discussing dates for people UNDER 18. The term Significant Other is for people who have been dating a while and have become a staple at family events (hence the word significant). I would certainly NOT invite any "SO" for anyone under 18.

In fact, someone mentioned the term "No Ring, No Bring" to me, and I actually kinda like that.

I don't know if its a New York thing (we get married late 20's early 30s with our wedding costs ranking #1 and #2*) or maybe just the size of my wedding, but my guest list, without unmarried cousin's SO's and second cousin's SO's is already 350+. My portion of that is 90% family. I had to cut FRIENDS and COWORKERS to one table each to fit my family so I'm having a real issue with people here posting that it's rude to not invite a mid twenties second cousin's boyfriend (hypothetical).

I'm only posting in case there was anyone in the same boat as me and doesn't want to feel obligated to invite someone just because they are dating someone that you are related to.

Don't feel bad. I'll be that person that didn't invite the "SO" to the wedding.

I am letting friends and coworkers bring a significant other so I do have a heart. Additionally I have been to weddings where the SO was not invited and I didn't mind at all - it was a small wedding and I understand that some people have cost restrictions.

If this discussion was over 1 or 2 people, then yes I would invite them, but I certainly wouldn't lose sleep or call anyone rude for not inviting them.

For the record, if I invite first and second cousin's SO's (for unmarried cousins above 18) its an additional 25 people, which is another 2 centerpieces, 25 favors and about $4,000.

(my dad is one of 8 and my oldest uncle has 7 kids all of whom are married with kids just younger than me, so do the math)

TLDR version: Do what YOU want. It's your wedding. You already have a ton of people to please (ahem, Future MIL) so do what pleases you.

P.S. Unmarried cousins are also getting grouped with their parents invitation-wise. When my cousin got married earlier this year, I got grouped in with my parents invitation and I was ENGAGED 3 months before he was even engaged. I was not offended.

Why can't there be a little more empathy and less pettiness?

*http://www.xogroupinc.com/press-releases-home/2014-press-releases/2014-03-27-real-weddings-study-average-cost-of-wedding.aspx

slothiegal · December 2014

StarryNight97 said:

*DISCLAIMER* I acknowledge that I'm stomping all over what many of you consider proper etiquette. Do not read if you are easily offended.

I was interested in the forum post because I have a large family with many cousins, and if I let everyone bring a SO it would spiral out of control. To my surprise, this was discussing dates for people UNDER 18. The term Significant Other is for people who have been dating a while and have become a staple at family events (hence the word significant). I would certainly NOT invite any "SO" for anyone under 18.

In fact, someone mentioned the term "No Ring, No Bring" to me, and I actually kinda like that.

I don't know if its a New York thing (we get married late 20's early 30s with our wedding costs ranking #1 and #2*) or maybe just the size of my wedding, but my guest list, without unmarried cousin's SO's and second cousin's SO's is already 350+. My portion of that is 90% family. I had to cut FRIENDS and COWORKERS to one table each to fit my family so I'm having a real issue with people here posting that it's rude to not invite a mid twenties second cousin's boyfriend (hypothetical).

I'm only posting in case there was anyone in the same boat as me and doesn't want to feel obligated to invite someone just because they are dating someone that you are related to.

Don't feel bad. I'll be that person that didn't invite the "SO" to the wedding.

I am letting friends and coworkers bring a significant other so I do have a heart. Additionally I have been to weddings where the SO was not invited and I didn't mind at all - it was a small wedding and I understand that some people have cost restrictions.

If this discussion was over 1 or 2 people, then yes I would invite them, but I certainly wouldn't lose sleep or call anyone rude for not inviting them.

For the record, if I invite first and second cousin's SO's (for unmarried cousins above 18) its an additional 25 people, which is another 2 centerpieces, 25 favors and about $4,000.
(my dad is one of 8 and my oldest uncle has 7 kids all of whom are married with kids just younger than me, so do the math)

TLDR version: Do what YOU want. It's your wedding. You already have a ton of people to please (ahem, Future MIL) so do what pleases you.

P.S. Unmarried cousins are also getting grouped with their parents invitation-wise. When my cousin got married earlier this year, I got grouped in with my parents invitation and I was ENGAGED 3 months before he was even engaged. I was not offended.

Why can't there be a little more empathy and less pettiness?

*http://www.xogroupinc.com/press-releases-home/2014-press-releases/2014-03-27-real-weddings-study-average-cost-of-wedding.aspx

Once you invite guests, it is no longer just about YOU.

photokitty · December 2014

StarryNight97 said:

*DISCLAIMER* I acknowledge that I'm stomping all over what many of you consider proper etiquette. Do not read if you are easily offended.

I was interested in the forum post because I have a large family with many cousins, and if I let everyone bring a SO it would spiral out of control. To my surprise, this was discussing dates for people UNDER 18. The term Significant Other is for people who have been dating a while and have become a staple at family events (hence the word significant). I would certainly NOT invite any "SO" for anyone under 18.

In fact, someone mentioned the term "No Ring, No Bring" to me, and I actually kinda like that.

I don't know if its a New York thing (we get married late 20's early 30s with our wedding costs ranking #1 and #2*) or maybe just the size of my wedding, but my guest list, without unmarried cousin's SO's and second cousin's SO's is already 350+. My portion of that is 90% family. I had to cut FRIENDS and COWORKERS to one table each to fit my family so I'm having a real issue with people here posting that it's rude to not invite a mid twenties second cousin's boyfriend (hypothetical).

I'm only posting in case there was anyone in the same boat as me and doesn't want to feel obligated to invite someone just because they are dating someone that you are related to.

Don't feel bad. I'll be that person that didn't invite the "SO" to the wedding.

I am letting friends and coworkers bring a significant other so I do have a heart. Additionally I have been to weddings where the SO was not invited and I didn't mind at all - it was a small wedding and I understand that some people have cost restrictions.

If this discussion was over 1 or 2 people, then yes I would invite them, but I certainly wouldn't lose sleep or call anyone rude for not inviting them.

For the record, if I invite first and second cousin's SO's (for unmarried cousins above 18) its an additional 25 people, which is another 2 centerpieces, 25 favors and about $4,000.
(my dad is one of 8 and my oldest uncle has 7 kids all of whom are married with kids just younger than me, so do the math)

TLDR version: Do what YOU want. It's your wedding. You already have a ton of people to please (ahem, Future MIL) so do what pleases you.

P.S. Unmarried cousins are also getting grouped with their parents invitation-wise. When my cousin got married earlier this year, I got grouped in with my parents invitation and I was ENGAGED 3 months before he was even engaged. I was not offended.

Why can't there be a little more empathy and less pettiness?

*http://www.xogroupinc.com/press-releases-home/2014-press-releases/2014-03-27-real-weddings-study-average-cost-of-wedding.aspx

Stop giving rude advice on an etiquette forum. It ceases to be your day when you invite others. What you are suggesting people do is incredibly rude, no matter how long they have been dating or what state you live in. Rude. Rude. Rude.

AddieCake · December 2014

StarryNight97 said:

*DISCLAIMER* I acknowledge that I'm stomping all over what many of you consider proper etiquette. Do not read if you are easily offended.

I was interested in the forum post because I have a large family with many cousins, and if I let everyone bring a SO it would spiral out of control. To my surprise, this was discussing dates for people UNDER 18. The term Significant Other is for people who have been dating a while and have become a staple at family events (hence the word significant). I would certainly NOT invite any "SO" for anyone under 18.

In fact, someone mentioned the term "No Ring, No Bring" to me, and I actually kinda like that.

I don't know if its a New York thing (we get married late 20's early 30s with our wedding costs ranking #1 and #2*) or maybe just the size of my wedding, but my guest list, without unmarried cousin's SO's and second cousin's SO's is already 350+. My portion of that is 90% family. I had to cut FRIENDS and COWORKERS to one table each to fit my family so I'm having a real issue with people here posting that it's rude to not invite a mid twenties second cousin's boyfriend (hypothetical).

I'm only posting in case there was anyone in the same boat as me and doesn't want to feel obligated to invite someone just because they are dating someone that you are related to.

Don't feel bad. I'll be that person that didn't invite the "SO" to the wedding.

I am letting friends and coworkers bring a significant other so I do have a heart. Additionally I have been to weddings where the SO was not invited and I didn't mind at all - it was a small wedding and I understand that some people have cost restrictions.

If this discussion was over 1 or 2 people, then yes I would invite them, but I certainly wouldn't lose sleep or call anyone rude for not inviting them.

For the record, if I invite first and second cousin's SO's (for unmarried cousins above 18) its an additional 25 people, which is another 2 centerpieces, 25 favors and about $4,000.
(my dad is one of 8 and my oldest uncle has 7 kids all of whom are married with kids just younger than me, so do the math)

TLDR version: Do what YOU want. It's your wedding. You already have a ton of people to please (ahem, Future MIL) so do what pleases you.

P.S. Unmarried cousins are also getting grouped with their parents invitation-wise. When my cousin got married earlier this year, I got grouped in with my parents invitation and I was ENGAGED 3 months before he was even engaged. I was not offended.

Why can't there be a little more empathy and less pettiness?

*http://www.xogroupinc.com/press-releases-home/2014-press-releases/2014-03-27-real-weddings-study-average-cost-of-wedding.aspx

No.

banana468 · December 2014

I live in CT where our cost of weddings isn't cheap either. We just had lunch with a friend and he has a long term girlfriend of 1.5 years. Her cousin got married and he wasn't invited due to cost. The girlfriend and our friend were both offended.

Maggie0829 · December 2014

StarryNight97 said:

*DISCLAIMER* I acknowledge that I'm stomping all over what many of you consider proper etiquette. Do not read if you are easily offended.

I was interested in the forum post because I have a large family with many cousins, and if I let everyone bring a SO it would spiral out of control. To my surprise, this was discussing dates for people UNDER 18. The term Significant Other is for people who have been dating a while and have become a staple at family events (hence the word significant). I would certainly NOT invite any "SO" for anyone under 18.

In fact, someone mentioned the term "No Ring, No Bring" to me, and I actually kinda like that.

I don't know if its a New York thing (we get married late 20's early 30s with our wedding costs ranking #1 and #2*) or maybe just the size of my wedding, but my guest list, without unmarried cousin's SO's and second cousin's SO's is already 350+. My portion of that is 90% family. I had to cut FRIENDS and COWORKERS to one table each to fit my family so I'm having a real issue with people here posting that it's rude to not invite a mid twenties second cousin's boyfriend (hypothetical).

I'm only posting in case there was anyone in the same boat as me and doesn't want to feel obligated to invite someone just because they are dating someone that you are related to.

Don't feel bad. I'll be that person that didn't invite the "SO" to the wedding.

I am letting friends and coworkers bring a significant other so I do have a heart. Additionally I have been to weddings where the SO was not invited and I didn't mind at all - it was a small wedding and I understand that some people have cost restrictions.

If this discussion was over 1 or 2 people, then yes I would invite them, but I certainly wouldn't lose sleep or call anyone rude for not inviting them.

For the record, if I invite first and second cousin's SO's (for unmarried cousins above 18) its an additional 25 people, which is another 2 centerpieces, 25 favors and about $4,000.
(my dad is one of 8 and my oldest uncle has 7 kids all of whom are married with kids just younger than me, so do the math)

TLDR version: Do what YOU want. It's your wedding. You already have a ton of people to please (ahem, Future MIL) so do what pleases you.

P.S. Unmarried cousins are also getting grouped with their parents invitation-wise. When my cousin got married earlier this year, I got grouped in with my parents invitation and I was ENGAGED 3 months before he was even engaged. I was not offended.

Why can't there be a little more empathy and less pettiness?

*http://www.xogroupinc.com/press-releases-home/2014-press-releases/2014-03-27-real-weddings-study-average-cost-of-wedding.aspx

plainjane0415 · December 2014

StarryNight97 said:

*DISCLAIMER* I acknowledge that I'm stomping all over what many of you consider proper etiquette. Do not read if you are easily offended.

I was interested in the forum post because I have a large family with many cousins, and if I let everyone bring a SO it would spiral out of control. To my surprise, this was discussing dates for people UNDER 18. The term Significant Other is for people who have been dating a while and have become a staple at family events (hence the word significant). I would certainly NOT invite any "SO" for anyone under 18.

In fact, someone mentioned the term "No Ring, No Bring" to me, and I actually kinda like that.

I don't know if its a New York thing (we get married late 20's early 30s with our wedding costs ranking #1 and #2*) or maybe just the size of my wedding, but my guest list, without unmarried cousin's SO's and second cousin's SO's is already 350+. My portion of that is 90% family. I had to cut FRIENDS and COWORKERS to one table each to fit my family so I'm having a real issue with people here posting that it's rude to not invite a mid twenties second cousin's boyfriend (hypothetical).

I'm only posting in case there was anyone in the same boat as me and doesn't want to feel obligated to invite someone just because they are dating someone that you are related to.

Don't feel bad. I'll be that person that didn't invite the "SO" to the wedding.

I am letting friends and coworkers bring a significant other so I do have a heart. Additionally I have been to weddings where the SO was not invited and I didn't mind at all - it was a small wedding and I understand that some people have cost restrictions.

If this discussion was over 1 or 2 people, then yes I would invite them, but I certainly wouldn't lose sleep or call anyone rude for not inviting them.

For the record, if I invite first and second cousin's SO's (for unmarried cousins above 18) its an additional 25 people, which is another 2 centerpieces, 25 favors and about $4,000.
(my dad is one of 8 and my oldest uncle has 7 kids all of whom are married with kids just younger than me, so do the math)

TLDR version: Do what YOU want. It's your wedding. You already have a ton of people to please (ahem, Future MIL) so do what pleases you.

P.S. Unmarried cousins are also getting grouped with their parents invitation-wise. When my cousin got married earlier this year, I got grouped in with my parents invitation and I was ENGAGED 3 months before he was even engaged. I was not offended.

Why can't there be a little more empathy and less pettiness?

*http://www.xogroupinc.com/press-releases-home/2014-press-releases/2014-03-27-real-weddings-study-average-cost-of-wedding.aspx

Terrible Advice.

esstee33 · December 2014

It is absolutely astounding to see the level of stupid, self-centered rudeness some brides will justify to the ends of the fucking earth just because they can't plan parties appropriately to not be dicks to their guests.

If your wedding is too expensive to properly host your guests' partners, that's your own fault for putting your "vision" ahead of your guests that you claim to care about. Stop being rude to people and disrespecting their relationships just so you can have nicer flowers or a fancier meal.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

plainjane0415 said:

StarryNight97 said:

*DISCLAIMER* I acknowledge that I'm stomping all over what many of you consider proper etiquette. Do not read if you are easily offended.

I was interested in the forum post because I have a large family with many cousins, and if I let everyone bring a SO it would spiral out of control. To my surprise, this was discussing dates for people UNDER 18. The term Significant Other is for people who have been dating a while and have become a staple at family events (hence the word significant). I would certainly NOT invite any "SO" for anyone under 18.

In fact, someone mentioned the term "No Ring, No Bring" to me, and I actually kinda like that.

I don't know if its a New York thing (we get married late 20's early 30s with our wedding costs ranking #1 and #2*) or maybe just the size of my wedding, but my guest list, without unmarried cousin's SO's and second cousin's SO's is already 350+. My portion of that is 90% family. I had to cut FRIENDS and COWORKERS to one table each to fit my family so I'm having a real issue with people here posting that it's rude to not invite a mid twenties second cousin's boyfriend (hypothetical).

I'm only posting in case there was anyone in the same boat as me and doesn't want to feel obligated to invite someone just because they are dating someone that you are related to.

Don't feel bad. I'll be that person that didn't invite the "SO" to the wedding.

I am letting friends and coworkers bring a significant other so I do have a heart. Additionally I have been to weddings where the SO was not invited and I didn't mind at all - it was a small wedding and I understand that some people have cost restrictions.

If this discussion was over 1 or 2 people, then yes I would invite them, but I certainly wouldn't lose sleep or call anyone rude for not inviting them.

For the record, if I invite first and second cousin's SO's (for unmarried cousins above 18) its an additional 25 people, which is another 2 centerpieces, 25 favors and about $4,000.
(my dad is one of 8 and my oldest uncle has 7 kids all of whom are married with kids just younger than me, so do the math)

TLDR version: Do what YOU want. It's your wedding. You already have a ton of people to please (ahem, Future MIL) so do what pleases you.

P.S. Unmarried cousins are also getting grouped with their parents invitation-wise. When my cousin got married earlier this year, I got grouped in with my parents invitation and I was ENGAGED 3 months before he was even engaged. I was not offended.

Why can't there be a little more empathy and less pettiness?

*http://www.xogroupinc.com/press-releases-home/2014-press-releases/2014-03-27-real-weddings-study-average-cost-of-wedding.aspx

Terrible Advice.

The answer is NOT to invite your 26 year old second cousin without her boyfriend. The answer is to not invite either your second cousin OR her boyfriend. Invite zero second cousins. Hell, invite zero cousins. And if you REALLY want to cut your numbers, only invite your favorite aunt and uncle and none of the rest.

Viczaesar · December 2014

StarryNight97 said:

*DISCLAIMER* I acknowledge that I'm stomping all over what many of you consider proper etiquette. Do not read if you are easily offended.

I was interested in the forum post because I have a large family with many cousins, and if I let everyone bring a SO it would spiral out of control. To my surprise, this was discussing dates for people UNDER 18. The term Significant Other is for people who have been dating a while and have become a staple at family events (hence the word significant). I would certainly NOT invite any "SO" for anyone under 18.

In fact, someone mentioned the term "No Ring, No Bring" to me, and I actually kinda like that.

I don't know if its a New York thing (we get married late 20's early 30s with our wedding costs ranking #1 and #2*) or maybe just the size of my wedding, but my guest list, without unmarried cousin's SO's and second cousin's SO's is already 350+. My portion of that is 90% family. I had to cut FRIENDS and COWORKERS to one table each to fit my family so I'm having a real issue with people here posting that it's rude to not invite a mid twenties second cousin's boyfriend (hypothetical).

I'm only posting in case there was anyone in the same boat as me and doesn't want to feel obligated to invite someone just because they are dating someone that you are related to.

Don't feel bad. I'll be that person that didn't invite the "SO" to the wedding.

I am letting friends and coworkers bring a significant other so I do have a heart. Additionally I have been to weddings where the SO was not invited and I didn't mind at all - it was a small wedding and I understand that some people have cost restrictions.

If this discussion was over 1 or 2 people, then yes I would invite them, but I certainly wouldn't lose sleep or call anyone rude for not inviting them.

For the record, if I invite first and second cousin's SO's (for unmarried cousins above 18) its an additional 25 people, which is another 2 centerpieces, 25 favors and about $4,000.
(my dad is one of 8 and my oldest uncle has 7 kids all of whom are married with kids just younger than me, so do the math)

TLDR version: Do what YOU want. It's your wedding. You already have a ton of people to please (ahem, Future MIL) so do what pleases you.

P.S. Unmarried cousins are also getting grouped with their parents invitation-wise. When my cousin got married earlier this year, I got grouped in with my parents invitation and I was ENGAGED 3 months before he was even engaged. I was not offended.

Why can't there be a little more empathy and less pettiness?

*http://www.xogroupinc.com/press-releases-home/2014-press-releases/2014-03-27-real-weddings-study-average-cost-of-wedding.aspx

Shitty plan and shitty advice. Congratulations, you're being a rude boor to your guests.

At what age do SO invites become necessary?

Re: At what age do SO invites become necessary?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards