Ultra conservative parents!!

Re: Ultra conservative parents!!

• Hummingbird125 member

  

  December 2014 edited December 2014

  @stichedwithlove

  
  

  Only you know how your parents will react. If you think they're going to be furious and potentially cut contact with you, you'd have to weigh that. However, if you think that they'll be upset about it for a little while, and eventually get over it, I think you can probably live with that.

  
  

  FWIW, my mom wasn't thrilled when I told her now-FI/then-BF and I were looking for an apartment together. We had only been dating for 8 months at that point, and I was only 24. She had nothing against it morally, she just didn't like that we were looking for a place together due to our circumstances as opposed to being truly ready to live together. Well, fast forward over 3 years since then, and now we're engaged, and had no issues living together, and my mom probably doesn't even remember the fact that she was opposed to it at first!

  
  

  Bottom line - if you're both ready to live together, able to financially, and want to, it's completely your decision. My one caveat is that - since you do mention only being 20 years old - have you lived on your own yet? Or with a roommate that you aren't in a romantic relationship with? I know not everyone shares this opinion, but I strongly believe it is important to live alone (or with a friend/roommate, if finances dictate) before living with your significant other. 

  
  

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• loves2shop4shoes member

  

  December 2014

  Hi there!
  
  As long as your not asking them for financial assistance, it's not your parents' business whether you're living with your BF or not.  They might not like it, but ultimately, you need to live your life for YOU.  Your values are clearly not identical to your parents', and that's ok.  But you're an adult now, and you're going to make your own decisions. They need to accept that.
  
  I encourage you to just say, "Mom, Dad, BF and I are moving in together."  Don't hem and haw.  Don't be apologetic.  Don't ask them if it's ok.  Be an adult and say, "This is what I'm doing."  Being firm and non-apologetic will hopefully get them to understand that you're an adult and will make your own choices.
  

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• labro member

  

  December 2014

  stichedwithlove said:

  Hello ladies!! Any other girls struggle with their parents being ultra conservative? My SO and I just found the most perfect condo to move into and such a great deal. He has an amazing full time job and I am working while going to school as well. So, we are perfectly capable of the financial aspect of it. We're both 20 and have been together for five years now. We are going to try and go for it but I know my parents are going to freak out just like they did when my sister moved in with her now fiancé. My thought process is just that it's my life and I'm not living for them. I do just hate to disappoint them. Any advice on how you told your parents? Or even others who have done something against their parents will. I don't think they understand it's become a normal thing in our day now. I feel like we need this though in order to have a more mature relationship and grow with one another since we have been together all throughout high school. They treat us as if we're still in high school. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Xox

  This is tough. H had a similar problem with his parents because they are pretty conservative too. In the end, we decided to move in together anyway even though we knew his parents wouldn't approve. We're both financially independent and were 25/26 years old at the time so honestly, it wasn't their business what we chose to do or chose not to do. In this case, you're the one who is going to know best what their reaction will be.

  Personally, I think you're a little young and that's going to contribute to your parent's freakout but you just need to approach them with maturity and responsibility. Make sure your lease gives you an out in case you happen to break up (that way one of you doesn't get shafted with the rent if the other person bails), fairly divide your bills, try to select somewhere to live that you could afford by yourself in case the worst does happen, talk to your SO about your expectations (like who is going to take out the trash, do the dishes, etc). I think if you can show your mom and dad that you have a plan that it will help to lessen the freaking out a tiny bit.
  

  
  

  
  

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• Dignity100 member

  

  December 2014

  I agree with @Hummingbird125 if you haven't lived on your own yet or with a non-SO, that's a great place to start.  Not saying that you can't move in right away with a SO, but it's better to know what ALL responsibilities there are with living on your own than moving in and expecting your SO to take on specific roles. 
  

  
  
  
  

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• bride2b71614 member

  

  December 2014

  All the PPs have given great advice! I think that @Loves2Shop4Shoes has a great way of delivering the message to your family. Don't ask for permission, say this is what I am doing. Legally, you are an adult. You do not have to explain your situation to your family, and are allowed to make your own decisions. I'm not sure if you answered this, but are your parents still in contact with your sister, or did they cut ties completely? If their disappointment with your sister was temporary, and while it may be uncomfortable to go against what they believe, I would go for it. 

  
  

  You know that all actions have consequences. If you believe that your family will cut ties with you completely, you are going to have to be okay with that reaction. If you are afraid of disappointing them, you will have to take that chance. I've done things that my ultra conservative parents disapproved of (i.e., got several tattoos, cut ties with a toxic family member despite their opinions, moved in with my FI) but I was aware that there could be negative consequences for my actions. When I made my decisions I knew that my parents would disapprove, and I had to be okay with their disappointment. It was uncomfortable, but I got over it, and so did they (maybe I am lucky in that case). My advice to you would be to learn how to separate from your family, and not let their disappointment influence you as heavily as it does now. 

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• bethsmiles member

  

  December 2014

  I agree with @loves2shop4shoes. Be upfront with them. Tell them, don't ask them or waver about it. If they freak out, they freak out, no way that you tell them will avoid that. They will be upset about the action you are taking not the way you tell them. This is an adult decision so you need to be an adult and own your decision.

  
  

  
  

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• phira member

  

  December 2014

  I'd really recommend living on your own or with roommates before living with a significant other, especially if you're both still pretty young. There's an adjustment when you go from living with parents to living "as an adult," and then again from living on your own to living with a significant other. It can be easier to make those adjustments separately.

  
  

  However, it's your damn life. So, if you choose to move in with your significant other, then you should own that decision. It's easier to tell people you're doing something than to ask for permission, even if you do so unintentionally. "So, we're thinking of moving in together," is very much inviting other people's opinions, even if you're not actually asking. Tell them after you've made the decision, and phrase it making it clear that you've made that decision already and it's a done deal.

  

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• PowerDoc member

  

  December 2014

  I feel you and agree with PPs: tell the parents that you've made a decision, don't ask for permission, and don't phrase anything in a way that could be construed as asking for permission. My parents are sort of similar, mom especially would "prefer" that BF and I be married before moving in together, but I've stood my ground and she's (begrudgingly) gotten used to it. OP, you're an adult and can take into consideration the familial (and other) ramifications of your actions, and you can choose to stand your ground.

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• BaytoSA2013 member

  

  December 2014

  I agree with @lovestoshopforshoes and @LaPeanut1018.  If you choose to move forward, do so maturely and in a matter of fact way.  Make sure you have a discussion with your BF about what happens if you guys don't work out, if someone loses their job, who is going to pay for what and the division of labor.  You'd be surprised at how many "men" move out of their parents home and in with their GF, expecting to still be taken care of like their momma did.

  I know it's exciting to think abut moving in together, having your own space, being grown up and all that but it's important to also think about the bad things that MIGHT happen especially since you are both rather young.  I always tell my niece if you are going to make big girl decisions then you need to be sure you have your big girl panties on for when things don't go the way you planned.  Life won't always go as you want so be sure that you have a plan that (in my opinion) doesn't involve running back to mom and dad if things were to ever go south.  Once you cross that line with them and state your adulthood, be prepared to stay an adult.

  Formerly doubless07

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