Sticky invitation situation, WWYD?

blabla89 · December 2014

I'm close with my great aunt and planned to invite her to my wedding, but I barely know her adult children and had no intention of inviting them. Over the summer we had lunch with aunt and one of her daughters, let's call her A, who rudely insinuated that she expected to be invited along with her sister J. We said something about a small wedding and bean dipped. Later my aunt let us know (via word of mouth through my brother) that she really wanted A to come as her traveling companion. Fine. We had room for one extra person. A is single, so I gave my aunt a +1 on her STD so that she could bring A. That was our solution so that we wouldn't be "choosing" to invite one sibling and not the others. The STD said "Great Aunt Nelly and Guest", guest being singular.

The day before Christmas we visited with my aunt and some other close relatives, and when the wedding came up we made it clear that we are doing a small wedding with only our closest family and friends. I hoped this would get the message across that we didn't intend to invite second cousins. It didn't. Aunt cornered me on Christmas Eve after I'd had several glasses of wine and said, "So it's okay if J comes to the wedding right?" I'm thinking, sure, if cousin A can't come then it's cool if she brings cousin J. Nope, she proceeded to say that she was going to book a hotel room for her, A and J after the first of the year. I was completely caught off guard, and I'm pretty sure that was her intention. I'm mostly just annoyed. I don't actually like A but wouldn't mind her coming if my aunt needs a companion. I like J alright, but if I send her an invitation then I have to invite her husband, and then her brother and his SO would probably expect to be invited also. We can make room for the two daughters but just don't have room for anyone else.

TLDR: I was only going to invite my aunt to the wedding, and now she has extended the invitation to two of her daughters. So what would you do in this situation? I'm thinking I might only send an invitation to my aunt with a +1, and if she calls me and says that she already booked travel for both daughters, I'll tell her that's fine and we look forward to seeing them. Is there a better way to go about it?

Maggie0829 · December 2014

I think I would do exactly as what you are planning.

southernbelle0915 · December 2014

Ugh people are so rude with the expected/demanded invites.

I think your solution of sending the +1 is fine. If she brings both daughters it sounds like you're OK w/that but what if they bring SOs, etc. Obviously these people don't understand how to follow invites as they are addressed so that wouldn't surprise me at all. I'd double check with them on their RSVP no matter what they send.

photokitty · December 2014

Yeah, she sucks, but as long is it doesn't cause any waves in your "circles," I'd leave it be and let A & J both come.

Make three-way jokes in your mind when you see them to quell your annoyance at auntie's antics.

MyUserName1 · December 2014

You got this. Just let your Aunt be the one lacking manners. You don't need to invite the whole famdamily just because she wants both daughters to be there. If you're prepared to rise above and let her bring both daughters, do that.

Just make sure that's all she's bringing so that you don't get the bonus surprise of 8 more people on the day of.

bethsmiles · December 2014

photokitty said:

Yeah, she sucks, but as long is it doesn't cause any waves in your "circles," I'd leave it be and let A & J both come.

Make three-way jokes in your mind when you see them to quell your annoyance at auntie's antics.

But if she invites A & J then she also has to invite their SOs and probably their brother as well and his SO which is a lot of extra people that she doesn't even want there. I think giving her a +2 so the aunt can bring both daughters is basically the equivalent of inviting the daughters without their SOs and trying to go through some sort of loop hole to make it okay.

OP - I say just do what you are planning and send you aunt an invite that says +1. If she RSVPs with more than that, explain politely but firmly that she is only allowed one guest.

nightcheese815 · December 2014

bethsmiles said:

photokitty said:

Yeah, she sucks, but as long is it doesn't cause any waves in your "circles," I'd leave it be and let A & J both come.

Make three-way jokes in your mind when you see them to quell your annoyance at auntie's antics.

But if she invites A & J then she also has to invite their SOs and probably their brother as well and his SO which is a lot of extra people that she doesn't even want there. I think giving her a +2 so the aunt can bring both daughters is basically the equivalent of inviting the daughters without their SOs and trying to go through some sort of loop hole to make it okay.

OP - I say just do what you are planning and send you aunt an invite that says +1. If she RSVPs with more than that, explain politely but firmly that she is only allowed one guest.

Totally agree. I'm in a similar situation with my grandmother. She is legally blind so she needs a travel companion - my uncle, who I have recently become closer to. However, inviting my uncle means inviting his girlfriend of 20 years, who my mom really doesn't get along with and whose behavior can sometimes be inappropriate.

If your aunt needs a travel companion, I agree with your plan - "Aunt + 1" - but if she balks, reaffirm that she can bring one guest, not both daughters and their SOs.

photokitty · December 2014

bethsmiles said:

photokitty said:

Yeah, she sucks, but as long is it doesn't cause any waves in your "circles," I'd leave it be and let A & J both come.

Make three-way jokes in your mind when you see them to quell your annoyance at auntie's antics.

But if she invites A & J then she also has to invite their SOs and probably their brother as well and his SO which is a lot of extra people that she doesn't even want there. I think giving her a +2 so the aunt can bring both daughters is basically the equivalent of inviting the daughters without their SOs and trying to go through some sort of loop hole to make it okay.

OP - I say just do what you are planning and send you aunt an invite that says +1. If she RSVPs with more than that, explain politely but firmly that she is only allowed one guest.

She is not inviting A or J so she does not need to invite their SO's. The aunt rudely asked if she could bring 2 guests. Aunt also said she was going to get a hotel room, not 3, so there is no indication that the SOs are coming. If the brother had any interest in coming then I'm sure auntie would have asked about him too - so that won;t cause an issue in that circle. I would let her bring A&J, if you want to OP, but not send them their own invites. Address the Outer envelope to your aunt and on the inner envelope include all 3 names. They are guests of the invited. If an invited guest brings a married persona as their date etiquette does not say you have to invite the spouse - only if the person issued the invite is required to have their SO invited as well.

If you only want one to attend OP then tell her she can only bring one. If you don't care or don't want to argue over it then let her bring two guests - but don't invite with their own invite.

photokitty · December 2014

nightcheese815 said:

bethsmiles said:

photokitty said:

Yeah, she sucks, but as long is it doesn't cause any waves in your "circles," I'd leave it be and let A & J both come.

Make three-way jokes in your mind when you see them to quell your annoyance at auntie's antics.

But if she invites A & J then she also has to invite their SOs and probably their brother as well and his SO which is a lot of extra people that she doesn't even want there. I think giving her a +2 so the aunt can bring both daughters is basically the equivalent of inviting the daughters without their SOs and trying to go through some sort of loop hole to make it okay.

OP - I say just do what you are planning and send you aunt an invite that says +1. If she RSVPs with more than that, explain politely but firmly that she is only allowed one guest.

Totally agree. I'm in a similar situation with my grandmother. She is legally blind so she needs a travel companion - my uncle, who I have recently become closer to. However, inviting my uncle means inviting his girlfriend of 20 years, who my mom really doesn't get along with and whose behavior can sometimes be inappropriate.

If your aunt needs a travel companion, I agree with your plan - "Aunt + 1" - but if she balks, reaffirm that she can bring one guest, not both daughters and their SOs.

So if your uncle said he could only escort grandma on this trip, I'm assuming it requires more than a 15 minute drive or you would make other accommodations, if he can bring his girlfriend along - you would tell him no? I might not be willing to travel a long distance without my husband to a wedding, with or without my mother. Uncle would be doing a favor to you by escorting your grandma tot he wedding - possibly a financially substantial favor as well.

If I were you I would expect to receive a call from granny asking if your uncle can bring his girlfriend along on the trip, otherwise she might not be able attend your wedding. Only you can decide if having granny at your wedding is more important than not waiting uncle's GF there.

ETA - this situation is different bc grandma requires a travel companion, she cannot get to the wedding on her own. To expect someone else to take time out of their schedule and leave their SO so grandma can attend is asking a lot. Uncle might be happy to do it, but if he says he will only deliver grandma to the wedding if his GF can come along then that is a reasonable request. It's not just a single person wanting to bring a travel companion so they don't get bored on the plane.

lovegood90 · December 2014

I wouldn't put up with her pushy attitude. I'd send her one invite "Aunt and guest", then if she calls you up and asks if she can bring both daughters I'd tell her no, you only have room for her to bring one travelling companion. If you don't care enough then you can say sure. But I would not include their names on the invite or invite their SOs as they are just your aunt's guests.

nightcheese815 · December 2014

photokitty said:

nightcheese815 said:

bethsmiles said:

photokitty said:

Yeah, she sucks, but as long is it doesn't cause any waves in your "circles," I'd leave it be and let A & J both come.

Make three-way jokes in your mind when you see them to quell your annoyance at auntie's antics.

But if she invites A & J then she also has to invite their SOs and probably their brother as well and his SO which is a lot of extra people that she doesn't even want there. I think giving her a +2 so the aunt can bring both daughters is basically the equivalent of inviting the daughters without their SOs and trying to go through some sort of loop hole to make it okay.

OP - I say just do what you are planning and send you aunt an invite that says +1. If she RSVPs with more than that, explain politely but firmly that she is only allowed one guest.

Totally agree. I'm in a similar situation with my grandmother. She is legally blind so she needs a travel companion - my uncle, who I have recently become closer to. However, inviting my uncle means inviting his girlfriend of 20 years, who my mom really doesn't get along with and whose behavior can sometimes be inappropriate.

If your aunt needs a travel companion, I agree with your plan - "Aunt + 1" - but if she balks, reaffirm that she can bring one guest, not both daughters and their SOs.

So if your uncle said he could only escort grandma on this trip, I'm assuming it requires more than a 15 minute drive or you would make other accommodations, if he can bring his girlfriend along - you would tell him no? I might not be willing to travel a long distance without my husband to a wedding, with or without my mother. Uncle would be doing a favor to you by escorting your grandma tot he wedding - possibly a financially substantial favor as well.

If I were you I would expect to receive a call from granny asking if your uncle can bring his girlfriend along on the trip, otherwise she might not be able attend your wedding. Only you can decide if having granny at your wedding is more important than not waiting uncle's GF there.

ETA - this situation is different bc grandma requires a travel companion, she cannot get to the wedding on her own. To expect someone else to take time out of their schedule and leave their SO so grandma can attend is asking a lot. Uncle might be happy to do it, but if he says he will only deliver grandma to the wedding if his GF can come along then that is a reasonable request. It's not just a single person wanting to bring a travel companion so they don't get bored on the plane.

Sorry, didn't realize the response wasn't clear. I am definitely inviting the uncle's girlfriend, no questions about that! It was just an awkward family situation because my mom was kind of "meh" on inviting her. The wedding is about 1000 miles away from where they live so I would never dream of asking my uncle to come without his girlfriend.

nightcheese815 · December 2014

photokitty said:

bethsmiles said:

photokitty said:

Yeah, she sucks, but as long is it doesn't cause any waves in your "circles," I'd leave it be and let A & J both come.

Make three-way jokes in your mind when you see them to quell your annoyance at auntie's antics.

But if she invites A & J then she also has to invite their SOs and probably their brother as well and his SO which is a lot of extra people that she doesn't even want there. I think giving her a +2 so the aunt can bring both daughters is basically the equivalent of inviting the daughters without their SOs and trying to go through some sort of loop hole to make it okay.

OP - I say just do what you are planning and send you aunt an invite that says +1. If she RSVPs with more than that, explain politely but firmly that she is only allowed one guest.

She is not inviting A or J so she does not need to invite their SO's. The aunt rudely asked if she could bring 2 guests. Aunt also said she was going to get a hotel room, not 3, so there is no indication that the SOs are coming. If the brother had any interest in coming then I'm sure auntie would have asked about him too - so that won;t cause an issue in that circle. I would let her bring A&J, if you want to OP, but not send them their own invites. Address the Outer envelope to your aunt and on the inner envelope include all 3 names. They are guests of the invited. If an invited guest brings a married persona as their date etiquette does not say you have to invite the spouse - only if the person issued the invite is required to have their SO invited as well.

If you only want one to attend OP then tell her she can only bring one. If you don't care or don't want to argue over it then let her bring two guests - but don't invite with their own invite.

Good idea on the inner envelope!

Sticky invitation situation, WWYD?

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