Inviting a friend's SO who tried to start a fight with me?

nightcheese815 · December 2014

Hi there! First off, I’ve been “lurking” on these boards for a few weeks now, and this is my first post – sorry if I don’t quite get the lingo right! J I’m posting on the Etiquette board because I have a conundrum about inviting an old friend and his two boyfriends, one of whom picked a fight with me and threw FI and me out of their house. Sorry it's a bit long.

I have a friend I’ve known since elementary school (about 16 years). We’ve been through a lot together and our families have always been very close. So, of course FI and I sent him a save the date for our wedding in August. At the time we sent out the save the dates I wasn’t sure of his relationship status since we hadn’t spoken in several months, so I addressed it to “Friend and guest.” Because I was going to see him the next week at the engagement party his parents threw for FI and me, I wanted to ask him in person.

When I got to the engagement party, he introduced me to Boyfriend A and told me he was sorry that Boyfriend B couldn’t make it. He said the three of them had been together for a year and a half. FI and I went to their apartment a few days later, where Friend introduced me to Boyfriend B. FI and I decided not to drink since we had to drive home, but Friend and Boyfriends A & B were drinking pretty heavily. Over the course of the evening, Boyfriend A made a few snarky remarks about how “your people’s” wedding traditions are so stupid and how he’s glad he doesn’t have to deal with any of that. What was more disturbing to me was to see how Friend was around him. Friend has always been a little edgy with his humor, but he was going along with Boyfriend A’s comments about our wedding and lifestyle and even made a snarky comment about how much of a burden the engagement party that his parents thoughtfully planned (and which was absolutely lovely) was and how he “f***ing hated half of the people at the party.’” At that point, FI and I had had it with the snark and decided to politely get our coats and leave.

As we were leaving, Boyfriend A got in my face about our respective universities’ football rivalry completely unsolicited. Even though I was minimally engaging in the conversation, he continued to try to push my buttons and even told me to “be careful what you say in my house.” I tried to end the conversation by saying, “I think you care a lot more about this than I do, so we are going to go.” Maybe I could have said that better, but I was tired and just wanted to get out of the conversation. Then, he slammed his glass of whiskey on the counter (amazingly enough, it didn’t break) and yelled at me to “get the hell out of his house” and that he didn’t want “people like me” in his house.

At this point FI pulled me out the door as Friend and Boyfriend B tried to restrain and calm down Boyfriend A. I was distressed at the way the night went, from Friend and Boyfriend A's snarky comments to the unprovoked football blow-up at the end of the night. Friend texted me an apology, saying that Boyfriend A had been drinking a lot and is very passionate about football, especially when he drinks. Boyfriend A has not apologized.

My concern is this: we have already sent Friend a Save the Date. However, neither FI nor I want Boyfriend A at our wedding. Many of our close friends and family members are huge football fans of many different schools and love discussing football together; I don’t want any drama just because Boyfriend A can’t handle his alcohol and gets too worked up over football. Plus, why would we have someone at our wedding who threw us out of his apartment after meeting us twice?

Boyfriend B seemed nice and certainly wasn’t part of the blow-up, so I would be fine with Friend bringing him. But, how do I approach the invitations in light of the fact that one boyfriend’s inappropriate and hostile behavior makes both FI and me very uncomfortable? My initial reaction is to address the invitation to “Friend and Boyfriend B.”

TL; dr:

How do I handle inviting my friend and his two boyfriends to our wedding, when one of the boyfriends tried to pick a fight over football, lost his temper at FI and me completely unprovoked, and threw us out of his apartment?

Thanks in advance for the input and for reading, if you got through all of it!

mikenberger · December 2014

nightcheese815 said:

Hi there! First off, I’ve been “lurking” on these boards for a few weeks now, and this is my first post – sorry if I don’t quite get the lingo right! J I’m posting on the Etiquette board because I have a conundrum about inviting an old friend and his two boyfriends, one of whom picked a fight with me and threw FI and me out of their house. Sorry it's a bit long.
I have a friend I’ve known since elementary school (about 16 years). We’ve been through a lot together and our families have always been very close. So, of course FI and I sent him a save the date for our wedding in August. At the time we sent out the save the dates I wasn’t sure of his relationship status since we hadn’t spoken in several months, so I addressed it to “Friend and guest.” Because I was going to see him the next week at the engagement party his parents threw for FI and me, I wanted to ask him in person.
When I got to the engagement party, he introduced me to Boyfriend A and told me he was sorry that Boyfriend B couldn’t make it. He said the three of them had been together for a year and a half. FI and I went to their apartment a few days later, where Friend introduced me to Boyfriend B. FI and I decided not to drink since we had to drive home, but Friend and Boyfriends A & B were drinking pretty heavily. Over the course of the evening, Boyfriend A made a few snarky remarks about how “your people’s” wedding traditions are so stupid and how he’s glad he doesn’t have to deal with any of that. What was more disturbing to me was to see how Friend was around him. Friend has always been a little edgy with his humor, but he was going along with Boyfriend A’s comments about our wedding and lifestyle and even made a snarky comment about how much of a burden the engagement party that his parents thoughtfully planned (and which was absolutely lovely) was and how he “f***ing hated half of the people at the party.’” At that point, FI and I had had it with the snark and decided to politely get our coats and leave.
As we were leaving, Boyfriend A got in my face about our respective universities’ football rivalry completely unsolicited. Even though I was minimally engaging in the conversation, he continued to try to push my buttons and even told me to “be careful what you say in my house.” I tried to end the conversation by saying, “I think you care a lot more about this than I do, so we are going to go.” Maybe I could have said that better, but I was tired and just wanted to get out of the conversation. Then, he slammed his glass of whiskey on the counter (amazingly enough, it didn’t break) and yelled at me to “get the hell out of his house” and that he didn’t want “people like me” in his house.
At this point FI pulled me out the door as Friend and Boyfriend B tried to restrain and calm down Boyfriend A. I was distressed at the way the night went, from Friend and Boyfriend A's snarky comments to the unprovoked football blow-up at the end of the night. Friend texted me an apology, saying that Boyfriend A had been drinking a lot and is very passionate about football, especially when he drinks. Boyfriend A has not apologized.
My concern is this: we have already sent Friend a Save the Date. However, neither FI nor I want Boyfriend A at our wedding. Many of our close friends and family members are huge football fans of many different schools and love discussing football together; I don’t want any drama just because Boyfriend A can’t handle his alcohol and gets too worked up over football. Plus, why would we have someone at our wedding who threw us out of his apartment after meeting us twice?
Boyfriend B seemed nice and certainly wasn’t part of the blow-up, so I would be fine with Friend bringing him. But, how do I approach the invitations in light of the fact that one boyfriend’s inappropriate and hostile behavior makes both FI and me very uncomfortable? My initial reaction is to address the invitation to “Friend and Boyfriend B.”
TL; dr:
How do I handle inviting my friend and his two boyfriends to our wedding, when one of the boyfriends tried to pick a fight over football, lost his temper at FI and me completely unprovoked, and threw us out of his apartment?
Thanks in advance for the input and for reading, if you got through all of it!

Sorry. I got lost at the two boyfriends and they're dating your friend and they all live together.

Have you spoken to your friend about the blow up/your concerns?

Maggie0829 · December 2014

Honestly? I wouldn't invite either the friend or his two boyfriends. The fact that your supposed friend was agreeing with his one boyfriend and basically talking crap about your beliefs about weddings and marriage/lifestyle does not make him a very good friend, in my eyes.

Yes, you sent them a STD but I would consider your friends behavior rather then that of his one boyfriend.

Maggie0829 · December 2014

nightcheese815 said:

Hi there! First off, I’ve been “lurking” on these boards for a few weeks now, and this is my first post – sorry if I don’t quite get the lingo right! J I’m posting on the Etiquette board because I have a conundrum about inviting an old friend and his two boyfriends, one of whom picked a fight with me and threw FI and me out of their house. Sorry it's a bit long.
I have a friend I’ve known since elementary school (about 16 years). We’ve been through a lot together and our families have always been very close. So, of course FI and I sent him a save the date for our wedding in August. At the time we sent out the save the dates I wasn’t sure of his relationship status since we hadn’t spoken in several months, so I addressed it to “Friend and guest.” Because I was going to see him the next week at the engagement party his parents threw for FI and me, I wanted to ask him in person.
When I got to the engagement party, he introduced me to Boyfriend A and told me he was sorry that Boyfriend B couldn’t make it. He said the three of them had been together for a year and a half. FI and I went to their apartment a few days later, where Friend introduced me to Boyfriend B. FI and I decided not to drink since we had to drive home, but Friend and Boyfriends A & B were drinking pretty heavily. Over the course of the evening, Boyfriend A made a few snarky remarks about how “your people’s” wedding traditions are so stupid and how he’s glad he doesn’t have to deal with any of that. What was more disturbing to me was to see how Friend was around him. Friend has always been a little edgy with his humor, but he was going along with Boyfriend A’s comments about our wedding and lifestyle and even made a snarky comment about how much of a burden the engagement party that his parents thoughtfully planned (and which was absolutely lovely) was and how he “f***ing hated half of the people at the party.’” At that point, FI and I had had it with the snark and decided to politely get our coats and leave.
As we were leaving, Boyfriend A got in my face about our respective universities’ football rivalry completely unsolicited. Even though I was minimally engaging in the conversation, he continued to try to push my buttons and even told me to “be careful what you say in my house.” I tried to end the conversation by saying, “I think you care a lot more about this than I do, so we are going to go.” Maybe I could have said that better, but I was tired and just wanted to get out of the conversation. Then, he slammed his glass of whiskey on the counter (amazingly enough, it didn’t break) and yelled at me to “get the hell out of his house” and that he didn’t want “people like me” in his house.
At this point FI pulled me out the door as Friend and Boyfriend B tried to restrain and calm down Boyfriend A. I was distressed at the way the night went, from Friend and Boyfriend A's snarky comments to the unprovoked football blow-up at the end of the night. Friend texted me an apology, saying that Boyfriend A had been drinking a lot and is very passionate about football, especially when he drinks. Boyfriend A has not apologized.
My concern is this: we have already sent Friend a Save the Date. However, neither FI nor I want Boyfriend A at our wedding. Many of our close friends and family members are huge football fans of many different schools and love discussing football together; I don’t want any drama just because Boyfriend A can’t handle his alcohol and gets too worked up over football. Plus, why would we have someone at our wedding who threw us out of his apartment after meeting us twice?
Boyfriend B seemed nice and certainly wasn’t part of the blow-up, so I would be fine with Friend bringing him. But, how do I approach the invitations in light of the fact that one boyfriend’s inappropriate and hostile behavior makes both FI and me very uncomfortable? My initial reaction is to address the invitation to “Friend and Boyfriend B.”
TL; dr:
How do I handle inviting my friend and his two boyfriends to our wedding, when one of the boyfriends tried to pick a fight over football, lost his temper at FI and me completely unprovoked, and threw us out of his apartment?
Thanks in advance for the input and for reading, if you got through all of it!

misshart00 · December 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Honestly? I wouldn't invite either the friend or his two boyfriends. The fact that your supposed friend was agreeing with his one boyfriend and basically talking crap about your beliefs about weddings and marriage/lifestyle does not make him a very good friend, in my eyes.

Yes, you sent them a STD but I would consider your friends behavior rather then that of his one boyfriend.

Agree with this. If its so awful on his life to go to your wedding, I wouldn't invite him.

blabla89 · December 2014

IMO, the only situation in which you don't have to invite a SO is when you have legitimate concern for the safety and well being of your other guests. It sounds like you have that, if Boyfriend A is getting drunk and picking fights with people. Maybe when it's time to send the invitations you could address it to Friend and Boyfriend B. If Friend makes a big deal of Boyfriend A not being invited, tell him you just aren't comfortable having Boyfriend A there after the last incident.

indianaalum · December 2014

on a sidenote, what does etiquette say about inviting SO when there is more than 1? LOL.. Do you REALLY have to invite 2 extra people if someone is dating 2 people and wants to bring BOTH?!?

photokitty · December 2014

indianaalum said:

on a sidenote, what does etiquette say about inviting SO when there is more than 1? LOL.. Do you REALLY have to invite 2 extra people if someone is dating 2 people and wants to bring BOTH?!?

Yeah, I'm curious as well. We have previously agreed on TK that a bride did not have to invite her uncle's mistress since he was still married to (and not separated from) the aunt. Does etiquette designate a social until as 2 people? Would this apply to a married couple who has a girlfriend? Do these guys get to be a social until bc there is not legal contract like there was with uncle with the mistress and aunt?

I'm not judging their choices, but I'm not sure how etiquette handles this. It feels a little like the people who claim their kids are part of the social unit...how far does it extend out?

If Boyfriend A didn't behave like a jerk and Friend had behaved like a proper friend I can't imagine we'd have to worry about this - and for that I would consider not inviting any of them. But seeing as his parents threw your engagement party I can't imagine the fallout from that move.

Sorry, I have no good advice at this point $:\$

ETA - I have second thoughts on my questioning the social unit - updated opinion in two posts...

nightcheese815 · December 2014

indianaalum said:

on a sidenote, what does etiquette say about inviting SO when there is more than 1? LOL.. Do you REALLY have to invite 2 extra people if someone is dating 2 people and wants to bring BOTH?!?

RIGHT? That was my first question before any of this ever happened! I don't think having two SO's was a thing in Emily Post's day

And thanks for all of the feedback! FI agrees that Friend shouldn't even be invited. I haven't talked to him except to acknowledge his text apology since then. Might be a good idea to tell him that we don't feel comfortable having Boyfriend A at the wedding because of what happened.

nightcheese815 · December 2014

photokitty said:

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indianaalum said:

on a sidenote, what does etiquette say about inviting SO when there is more than 1? LOL.. Do you REALLY have to invite 2 extra people if someone is dating 2 people and wants to bring BOTH?!?

Yeah, I'm curious as well. We have previously agreed on TK that a bride did not have to invite her uncle's mistress since he was still married to (and not separated from) the aunt. Does etiquette designate a social until as 2 people? Would this apply to a married couple who has a girlfriend? Do these guys get to be a social until bc there is not legal contract like there was with uncle with the mistress and aunt?

I'm not judging their choices, but I'm not sure how etiquette handles this. It feels a little like the people who claim their kids are part of the social unit...how far does it extend out?

If Boyfriend A didn't behave like a jerk and Friend had behaved like a proper friend I can't imagine we'd have to worry about this - and for that I would consider not inviting any of them. But seeing as his parents threw your engagement party I can't imagine the fallout from that move.

Sorry, I have no good advice at this point $:\$

Yeah, FI and I tried to think through it after the party. Boyfriends A and B were together for a year before Friend met them, but the three of them celebrate an anniversary as the three of them. But, Friend and Boyfriend A also celebrate a separate anniversary of when they met, as do Boyfriends A and B. I'm not judging - just don't have a precedent for this!

I think I'll stick to inviting Friend and Boyfriend B...seems to be the path of least resistance (and the least broken glass!)

photokitty · December 2014

I will say that if they live together and all agree they are in a polyamorous relationship then it probably is an all or nothing situation. Since they live together and are open in the relationship I feel bad even question the validity of their social unit status. Just bc I can't understand it and am looking for an excuse to unite BF A, doesn't mean they aren't a social unit. The times are changing...there was a time in the no so distant past they gay SO were excluded bc some (rude ignorant) people did not agree with them. I'm sure it still happens, sadly.

Not inviting BF A would probably cause more hurt feeling then just telling your friend that you a re disappointed in what he said and that since you are a burden that is is best he not come. It will end your friendship, but so would not invited BF A.

I hesitate to say BF A did enough to be considered a danger or threat at your wedding. He was drunk and rude, but he didn't threaten or put his hands on you so I don't think he can be disqualified from being invited as part of a social unit.

flutteringinfl · December 2014

indianaalum said:

on a sidenote, what does etiquette say about inviting SO when there is more than 1? LOL.. Do you REALLY have to invite 2 extra people if someone is dating 2 people and wants to bring BOTH?!?

I'm glad this thread exists because I was JUST thinking that. I'm pretty sure no one we're inviting is polyamorous, but I have an old high school friend who is married but all Facebook evidence indicates there's another guy in the mix, so I started to wonder how this is handled in terms of things like this.

Viczaesar · December 2014

I think all parts of an established polyamorous relationship need to be invited, or none.

artbyallie · December 2014

indianaalum said:

on a sidenote, what does etiquette say about inviting SO when there is more than 1? LOL.. Do you REALLY have to invite 2 extra people if someone is dating 2 people and wants to bring BOTH?!?

They clearly all consider themselves a social unit together, so yes, they must be invited all 3 or none.

We had a poly triad at our wedding: a married couple and their girlfriend, plus the primary pair's infant.

AddieCake · December 2014

If they are all openly poly and openly in a relationship with each other, all 3 should be invited as a social unit. That thing awhile back with the wife and mistress was not at all the same as this.

sarals24 · December 2014

Just put "Friend + Guest" and let him choose.

Kidding. But only a little bit.

SP29 · December 2014

Agreed, the 3 men present themselves as a social unit so all three are the unit. (In the case of the mistress, the wife was not presenting herself with her husband and the mistress as a social unit)

I can get why you don't want BF A there- totally. But he is your Friend's BF. If you continue to be friends with your Friend you're going to see BF A again, so either talk to your friend and make amends, or don't invite any of them. I feel like Friend was to blame too, he could've stuck up for you and FI right from the get go.

Also, even if you do invite BF A you really won't see him much. If he gets rowdy have the venue staff escort him out pronto. Only he looks like an ass, not you.

AlexisA01 · December 2014

photokitty said:

I will say that if they live together and all agree they are in a polyamorous relationship then it probably is an all or nothing situation. Since they live together and are open in the relationship I feel bad even question the validity of their social unit status. Just bc I can't understand it and am looking for an excuse to unite BF A, doesn't mean they aren't a social unit. The times are changing...there was a time in the no so distant past they gay SO were excluded bc some (rude ignorant) people did not agree with them. I'm sure it still happens, sadly.

Not inviting BF A would probably cause more hurt feeling then just telling your friend that you a re disappointed in what he said and that since you are a burden that is is best he not come. It will end your friendship, but so would not invited BF A.

I hesitate to say BF A did enough to be considered a danger or threat at your wedding. He was drunk and rude, but he didn't threaten or put his hands on you so I don't think he can be disqualified from being invited as part of a social unit.

I agree. As I am reading, I found that he had a tense argument with the OP and demanded her to leave. NO threats or physical contact happened. I don't think he should be not invited because of that. The three of them are established as a social unit. All or nothing type of deal if they are that specific type of relationship.

levioosa · December 2014

I think it's an all or none situation too. But honestly, do you even want "Friend" there at all? He belittled you, argued with you, and allowed you to be treated like shit and unnecessarily thrown out of the house. Doesn't really seem like the actions of a friend.

MyUserName1 · December 2014

You're in kind of a crap position here.

How much do you value this friend? Do you want to stay friends? If so, invite him and both of the boyfriends and remind him (and Boyfriend

how important of a day this is for you and how Boyfriend A really should consider whether he wants to spoil a very important (and very expensive) day of your life.

If you don't value this friend and don't give a shit if you ever see him again, don't send an invitation.

But since the three of them really are a social unit, it's really all or nothing.

(Isn't it fun when an old-school reg gets drunk and decides to come give etiquette advice?)

nightcheese815 · December 2014

AlexisA01 said:

show previous quotes

show previous quotes

photokitty said:

I will say that if they live together and all agree they are in a polyamorous relationship then it probably is an all or nothing situation. Since they live together and are open in the relationship I feel bad even question the validity of their social unit status. Just bc I can't understand it and am looking for an excuse to unite BF A, doesn't mean they aren't a social unit. The times are changing...there was a time in the no so distant past they gay SO were excluded bc some (rude ignorant) people did not agree with them. I'm sure it still happens, sadly.

Not inviting BF A would probably cause more hurt feeling then just telling your friend that you a re disappointed in what he said and that since you are a burden that is is best he not come. It will end your friendship, but so would not invited BF A.

I hesitate to say BF A did enough to be considered a danger or threat at your wedding. He was drunk and rude, but he didn't threaten or put his hands on you so I don't think he can be disqualified from being invited as part of a social unit.

I agree. As I am reading, I found that he had a tense argument with the OP and demanded her to leave. NO threats or physical contact happened. I don't think he should be not invited because of that. The three of them are established as a social unit. All or nothing type of deal if they are that specific type of relationship.

All of this makes sense. You are absolutely right - there was no physical contact. He did slam a glass on a granite countertop (and as I said, I'm surprised it didn't break) and I left immediately after that as Friend and Boyfriend B restrained him and held him back, so I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't left and frankly it doesn't matter at this point.

My struggle is, I have known Friend for most of my life. I was the first person outside his immediate family he came out to, but we have drifted apart a bit the last few years since moving to different cities. We don't have much in common anymore, but it still wouldn't feel right to exclude him regardless of his behavior, especially since I am very close with his parents and sister - I know that sounds silly.

The consensus seems to be that I should talk to Friend about this before sending out the invites and tell him my concerns about both his and Boyfriend A's behavior. Maybe he'll make it easy for me and say that Boyfriend A won't want to come to my stupid wedding anyway

THANKS for all of the feedback!

short+sassy · December 2014

AddieCake said:

If they are all openly poly and openly in a relationship with each other, all 3 should be invited as a social unit. That thing awhile back with the wife and mistress was not at all the same as this.

While I agree the openly poly vs. wife/mistress are different issues, I am surprised to find myself in the minority to disagree that openly poly relationships need to invite all or none.

Generally speaking...whether it is a wedding or not...guests can bring one other person. Their SO...or another guest if truly single and given a plus 1. I just don't feel I need to invite extra people to a party because one of my guests has chosen to be in a polyamorous relationship. Of course, I would probably choose to do that, but I don't think it is required etiquette-wise. I think an "and guest" is a perfect solution for that situation.

For example, if I happened to be friends with one of those women on "Sister Wives" or "My Five Wives"...I'd invite her and her husband....not her, her husband, and the other wives even if they all consider themselves to be a social unit. Same with if I was friends with the husband. He would get an invitation for himself and his legal wife.

Not comparing polygamy to bigamy...I realize they are different...though I don't think they are that different in this type of situation.

photokitty · December 2014

short+sassy said:

show previous quotes

AddieCake said:

If they are all openly poly and openly in a relationship with each other, all 3 should be invited as a social unit. That thing awhile back with the wife and mistress was not at all the same as this.

While I agree the openly poly vs. wife/mistress are different issues, I am surprised to find myself in the minority to disagree that openly poly relationships need to invite all or none.
Generally speaking...whether it is a wedding or not...guests can bring one other person. Their SO...or another guest if truly single and given a plus 1. I just don't feel I need to invite extra people to a party because one of my guests has chosen to be in a polyamorous relationship. Of course, I would probably choose to do that, but I don't think it is required etiquette-wise. I think an "and guest" is a perfect solution for that situation.
For example, if I happened to be friends with one of those women on "Sister Wives" or "My Five Wives"...I'd invite her and her husband....not her, her husband, and the other wives even if they all consider themselves to be a social unit. Same with if I was friends with the husband. He would get an invitation for himself and his legal wife.
Not comparing polygamy to bigamy...I realize they are different...though I don't think they are that different in this type of situation.

What if your friend was not the legal sister wife? Would you not invite the husband bc she would legally be a mistress, not a wife?

I think etiquette would expect all parts of the unit to be invited - for example the president is expected to host all of the wives who made the trip of a visiting king or prince.

The only ground to stand on is here in the US polygamy is widely illegal. But then so is gay marriage in some states, so would etiquette say you don't have to invite the same sex spouse if their marriage is not legal in your state?

It's an interesting debate and I was on your end at first, but then realized I should not define the social unit of consenting adults. But I totally understand where your coming from. Basically I came tot he conclusion that if someone has a friend that lives one of these lifestyles then they must be accepting of their friend's life choice or they would not associate with them.

If someone told you they were in a relationship with ally he members of their swingers club - eh, no - you don't have to invite all of them. But if 3 consenting adults live together and identify as a social unit I think that's pretty clear cut. Same thing if you associate with a sister wife who has a husband and 3 (or however many) sister wives - they too are a unit.

Maggie0829 · December 2014

short+sassy said:

show previous quotes

AddieCake said:

If they are all openly poly and openly in a relationship with each other, all 3 should be invited as a social unit. That thing awhile back with the wife and mistress was not at all the same as this.

While I agree the openly poly vs. wife/mistress are different issues, I am surprised to find myself in the minority to disagree that openly poly relationships need to invite all or none.
Generally speaking...whether it is a wedding or not...guests can bring one other person. Their SO...or another guest if truly single and given a plus 1. I just don't feel I need to invite extra people to a party because one of my guests has chosen to be in a polyamorous relationship. Of course, I would probably choose to do that, but I don't think it is required etiquette-wise. I think an "and guest" is a perfect solution for that situation.
For example, if I happened to be friends with one of those women on "Sister Wives" or "My Five Wives"...I'd invite her and her husband....not her, her husband, and the other wives even if they all consider themselves to be a social unit. Same with if I was friends with the husband. He would get an invitation for himself and his legal wife.
Not comparing polygamy to bigamy...I realize they are different...though I don't think they are that different in this type of situation.

And the bolded comes off as you judging a person for their lifestyle and relationship choices. Just like we say that all SOs should be invited regardless if there is a ring on a finger or if they have been together just 2 days, then a person in a poly relationship should have all their SOs invited because each of those SOs is their boyfriend/girlfriend, or wife/husband in their eyes. To only extend a "and guest" would basically be you saying "your idea of a relationship does not meet my definition."

AlexisA01 · December 2014

short+sassy said:

show previous quotes

AddieCake said:

If they are all openly poly and openly in a relationship with each other, all 3 should be invited as a social unit. That thing awhile back with the wife and mistress was not at all the same as this.

While I agree the openly poly vs. wife/mistress are different issues, I am surprised to find myself in the minority to disagree that openly poly relationships need to invite all or none.
Generally speaking...whether it is a wedding or not...guests can bring one other person. Their SO...or another guest if truly single and given a plus 1. I just don't feel I need to invite extra people to a party because one of my guests has chosen to be in a polyamorous relationship. Of course, I would probably choose to do that, but I don't think it is required etiquette-wise. I think an "and guest" is a perfect solution for that situation.
For example, if I happened to be friends with one of those women on "Sister Wives" or "My Five Wives"...I'd invite her and her husband....not her, her husband, and the other wives even if they all consider themselves to be a social unit. Same with if I was friends with the husband. He would get an invitation for himself and his legal wife.
Not comparing polygamy to bigamy...I realize they are different...though I don't think they are that different in this type of situation.

Now why would you be the one to judge their relationship? Also they wouldn't be "extra guest" they would their significant other.

MegEn1 · December 2014

AlexisA01 said:

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show previous quotes

photokitty said:

I will say that if they live together and all agree they are in a polyamorous relationship then it probably is an all or nothing situation. Since they live together and are open in the relationship I feel bad even question the validity of their social unit status. Just bc I can't understand it and am looking for an excuse to unite BF A, doesn't mean they aren't a social unit. The times are changing...there was a time in the no so distant past they gay SO were excluded bc some (rude ignorant) people did not agree with them. I'm sure it still happens, sadly.

Not inviting BF A would probably cause more hurt feeling then just telling your friend that you a re disappointed in what he said and that since you are a burden that is is best he not come. It will end your friendship, but so would not invited BF A.

I hesitate to say BF A did enough to be considered a danger or threat at your wedding. He was drunk and rude, but he didn't threaten or put his hands on you so I don't think he can be disqualified from being invited as part of a social unit.

I agree. As I am reading, I found that he had a tense argument with the OP and demanded her to leave. NO threats or physical contact happened. I don't think he should be not invited because of that. The three of them are established as a social unit. All or nothing type of deal if they are that specific type of relationship.

I'm disagreeing here. Slamming glasses and having to be held back because of a discussion about football indicates that Boyfriend ... whichever has some violent tendencies. OP doesn't know this guy, doesn't know if he'll get drunk at her wedding and go off at some random guest. What happens if no one is there to hold him back when someone announces "Hey the Jets played tonight and guess who they beat?!"

Just because no one actually got hit doesn't mean the situation wasn't technically violent.

Jen4948 · December 2014

MegEn1 said:

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AlexisA01 said:

photokitty said:

I will say that if they live together and all agree they are in a polyamorous relationship then it probably is an all or nothing situation. Since they live together and are open in the relationship I feel bad even question the validity of their social unit status. Just bc I can't understand it and am looking for an excuse to unite BF A, doesn't mean they aren't a social unit. The times are changing...there was a time in the no so distant past they gay SO were excluded bc some (rude ignorant) people did not agree with them. I'm sure it still happens, sadly.

Not inviting BF A would probably cause more hurt feeling then just telling your friend that you a re disappointed in what he said and that since you are a burden that is is best he not come. It will end your friendship, but so would not invited BF A.

I hesitate to say BF A did enough to be considered a danger or threat at your wedding. He was drunk and rude, but he didn't threaten or put his hands on you so I don't think he can be disqualified from being invited as part of a social unit.

I agree. As I am reading, I found that he had a tense argument with the OP and demanded her to leave. NO threats or physical contact happened. I don't think he should be not invited because of that. The three of them are established as a social unit. All or nothing type of deal if they are that specific type of relationship.

I'm disagreeing here. Slamming glasses and having to be held back because of a discussion about football indicates that Boyfriend ... whichever has some violent tendencies. OP doesn't know this guy, doesn't know if he'll get drunk at her wedding and go off at some random guest. What happens if no one is there to hold him back when someone announces "Hey the Jets played tonight and guess who they beat?!"

Just because no one actually got hit doesn't mean the situation wasn't technically violent.

I agree with @MegEn1. The fact that this guy slams things, had to be physically restrained, and threw the OP and her FI out of his home suggests to me that regardless of anything else, this guy should not be invited to the wedding.

I also would not invite the "friend" who joined him in his nasty comments to the OP and her FI. That's just not the act of a friend-even a sports rivalry doesn't justify that.

As for the other BF, if the "friend" and the first BF aren't invited, it doesn't make sense to me to invite him either.

photokitty · December 2014

MegEn1 said:

show previous quotes

AlexisA01 said:

photokitty said:

I will say that if they live together and all agree they are in a polyamorous relationship then it probably is an all or nothing situation. Since they live together and are open in the relationship I feel bad even question the validity of their social unit status. Just bc I can't understand it and am looking for an excuse to unite BF A, doesn't mean they aren't a social unit. The times are changing...there was a time in the no so distant past they gay SO were excluded bc some (rude ignorant) people did not agree with them. I'm sure it still happens, sadly.

Not inviting BF A would probably cause more hurt feeling then just telling your friend that you a re disappointed in what he said and that since you are a burden that is is best he not come. It will end your friendship, but so would not invited BF A.

I hesitate to say BF A did enough to be considered a danger or threat at your wedding. He was drunk and rude, but he didn't threaten or put his hands on you so I don't think he can be disqualified from being invited as part of a social unit.

I agree. As I am reading, I found that he had a tense argument with the OP and demanded her to leave. NO threats or physical contact happened. I don't think he should be not invited because of that. The three of them are established as a social unit. All or nothing type of deal if they are that specific type of relationship.

I'm disagreeing here. Slamming glasses and having to be held back because of a discussion about football indicates that Boyfriend ... whichever has some violent tendencies. OP doesn't know this guy, doesn't know if he'll get drunk at her wedding and go off at some random guest. What happens if no one is there to hold him back when someone announces "Hey the Jets played tonight and guess who they beat?!"

Just because no one actually got hit doesn't mean the situation wasn't technically violent.

We only are hearing one side of the story. He may have been held back when in reality he was only going to escort her to the door or continue to argue with her. Slamming a glass in his own house is not what I consider violent. If OP is that worried she should not invite the three of them. Based on what we have been told, at this point, I do not believe what transpired should exclude BF A from being invited as part of the social unit.

What you are suggesting is what SS tell us all the time when they don't want to invite a SO they don't like...he COULD, might possibly get drunk and do XYZ. Check out the "druggie BF" thread if you need an example...some people are arguing that all prescription drug addicts are dangerous thieves who shouldn't be around children...

Jen4948 · December 2014

photokitty said:

show previous quotes

MegEn1 said:

AlexisA01 said:

photokitty said:

I will say that if they live together and all agree they are in a polyamorous relationship then it probably is an all or nothing situation. Since they live together and are open in the relationship I feel bad even question the validity of their social unit status. Just bc I can't understand it and am looking for an excuse to unite BF A, doesn't mean they aren't a social unit. The times are changing...there was a time in the no so distant past they gay SO were excluded bc some (rude ignorant) people did not agree with them. I'm sure it still happens, sadly.

Not inviting BF A would probably cause more hurt feeling then just telling your friend that you a re disappointed in what he said and that since you are a burden that is is best he not come. It will end your friendship, but so would not invited BF A.

I hesitate to say BF A did enough to be considered a danger or threat at your wedding. He was drunk and rude, but he didn't threaten or put his hands on you so I don't think he can be disqualified from being invited as part of a social unit.

I agree. As I am reading, I found that he had a tense argument with the OP and demanded her to leave. NO threats or physical contact happened. I don't think he should be not invited because of that. The three of them are established as a social unit. All or nothing type of deal if they are that specific type of relationship.

I'm disagreeing here. Slamming glasses and having to be held back because of a discussion about football indicates that Boyfriend ... whichever has some violent tendencies. OP doesn't know this guy, doesn't know if he'll get drunk at her wedding and go off at some random guest. What happens if no one is there to hold him back when someone announces "Hey the Jets played tonight and guess who they beat?!"

Just because no one actually got hit doesn't mean the situation wasn't technically violent.

We only are hearing one side of the story. He may have been held back when in reality he was only going to escort her to the door or continue to argue with her. Slamming a glass in his own house is not what I consider violent. If OP is that worried she should not invite the three of them. Based on what we have been told, at this point, I do not believe what transpired should exclude BF A from being invited as part of the social unit.

What you are suggesting is what SS tell us all the time when they don't want to invite a SO they don't like...he COULD, might possibly get drunk and do XYZ. Check out the "druggie BF" thread if you need an example...some people are arguing that all prescription drug addicts are dangerous thieves who shouldn't be around children...

I don't agree. I think the fact that he had to be physically restrained from assaulting the OP and her FI and his throwing them out of his home does disqualify him from an invitation. There are some times when over-the-top rudeness does, I think, allow for not inviting one member of a social unit, especially when violence is involved. No punch has to be thrown for it to qualify as violence.

But in this particular case, I wouldn't invite any of them.

MegEn1 · December 2014

photokitty said:

show previous quotes

MegEn1 said:

AlexisA01 said:

photokitty said:

I will say that if they live together and all agree they are in a polyamorous relationship then it probably is an all or nothing situation. Since they live together and are open in the relationship I feel bad even question the validity of their social unit status. Just bc I can't understand it and am looking for an excuse to unite BF A, doesn't mean they aren't a social unit. The times are changing...there was a time in the no so distant past they gay SO were excluded bc some (rude ignorant) people did not agree with them. I'm sure it still happens, sadly.

Not inviting BF A would probably cause more hurt feeling then just telling your friend that you a re disappointed in what he said and that since you are a burden that is is best he not come. It will end your friendship, but so would not invited BF A.

I hesitate to say BF A did enough to be considered a danger or threat at your wedding. He was drunk and rude, but he didn't threaten or put his hands on you so I don't think he can be disqualified from being invited as part of a social unit.

I agree. As I am reading, I found that he had a tense argument with the OP and demanded her to leave. NO threats or physical contact happened. I don't think he should be not invited because of that. The three of them are established as a social unit. All or nothing type of deal if they are that specific type of relationship.

I'm disagreeing here. Slamming glasses and having to be held back because of a discussion about football indicates that Boyfriend ... whichever has some violent tendencies. OP doesn't know this guy, doesn't know if he'll get drunk at her wedding and go off at some random guest. What happens if no one is there to hold him back when someone announces "Hey the Jets played tonight and guess who they beat?!"

Just because no one actually got hit doesn't mean the situation wasn't technically violent.

We only are hearing one side of the story. He may have been held back when in reality he was only going to escort her to the door or continue to argue with her. Slamming a glass in his own house is not what I consider violent. If OP is that worried she should not invite the three of them. Based on what we have been told, at this point, I do not believe what transpired should exclude BF A from being invited as part of the social unit.

What you are suggesting is what SS tell us all the time when they don't want to invite a SO they don't like...he COULD, might possibly get drunk and do XYZ. Check out the "druggie BF" thread if you need an example...some people are arguing that all prescription drug addicts are dangerous thieves who shouldn't be around children...

OK I see what you're saying here. I definitely understand OP's concern though. I would be very concerned. Given the bad-ness of the all-around situation (polygamy aside, I'm talking about everyone's behavior) OP might need to have a talk with her friend about what happened. Not wedding related, but just in general. Maybe they can straighten it out, and in doing so OP will feel better about Boyfriend B's behavior, or behavior in the future. Though really I'd be surprised if they came, as much as they all seem to hate wedding and marriage so much. Though I'm the sassy B who would not invite any of them, and if I get asked why, explain that 'since you hate marriage so much I didn't see the need for you to come and hate on mine, which is very important to me.'

Either way, I'd still be very uncomfortable bringing a person around my loved ones who might go apeshit if someone mentions pigskin.

ETA: Wanted to clarify. Not saying the open relationship thing is bad, but I felt if I just said 'given the bad-ness of the overall situation' I feared someone might jump on me for saying open relationships are bad. Not saying that, referring only to peoples' behavior.

nightcheese815 · December 2014

MegEn1 said:

show previous quotes

photokitty said:

MegEn1 said:

AlexisA01 said:

photokitty said:

I will say that if they live together and all agree they are in a polyamorous relationship then it probably is an all or nothing situation. Since they live together and are open in the relationship I feel bad even question the validity of their social unit status. Just bc I can't understand it and am looking for an excuse to unite BF A, doesn't mean they aren't a social unit. The times are changing...there was a time in the no so distant past they gay SO were excluded bc some (rude ignorant) people did not agree with them. I'm sure it still happens, sadly.

Not inviting BF A would probably cause more hurt feeling then just telling your friend that you a re disappointed in what he said and that since you are a burden that is is best he not come. It will end your friendship, but so would not invited BF A.

I hesitate to say BF A did enough to be considered a danger or threat at your wedding. He was drunk and rude, but he didn't threaten or put his hands on you so I don't think he can be disqualified from being invited as part of a social unit.

I agree. As I am reading, I found that he had a tense argument with the OP and demanded her to leave. NO threats or physical contact happened. I don't think he should be not invited because of that. The three of them are established as a social unit. All or nothing type of deal if they are that specific type of relationship.

I'm disagreeing here. Slamming glasses and having to be held back because of a discussion about football indicates that Boyfriend ... whichever has some violent tendencies. OP doesn't know this guy, doesn't know if he'll get drunk at her wedding and go off at some random guest. What happens if no one is there to hold him back when someone announces "Hey the Jets played tonight and guess who they beat?!"

Just because no one actually got hit doesn't mean the situation wasn't technically violent.

We only are hearing one side of the story. He may have been held back when in reality he was only going to escort her to the door or continue to argue with her. Slamming a glass in his own house is not what I consider violent. If OP is that worried she should not invite the three of them. Based on what we have been told, at this point, I do not believe what transpired should exclude BF A from being invited as part of the social unit.

What you are suggesting is what SS tell us all the time when they don't want to invite a SO they don't like...he COULD, might possibly get drunk and do XYZ. Check out the "druggie BF" thread if you need an example...some people are arguing that all prescription drug addicts are dangerous thieves who shouldn't be around children...

OK I see what you're saying here. I definitely understand OP's concern though. I would be very concerned. Given the bad-ness of the all-around situation (polygamy aside, I'm talking about everyone's behavior) OP might need to have a talk with her friend about what happened. Not wedding related, but just in general. Maybe they can straighten it out, and in doing so OP will feel better about Boyfriend B's behavior, or behavior in the future. Though really I'd be surprised if they came, as much as they all seem to hate wedding and marriage so much. Though I'm the sassy B who would not invite any of them, and if I get asked why, explain that 'since you hate marriage so much I didn't see the need for you to come and hate on mine, which is very important to me.'

Either way, I'd still be very uncomfortable bringing a person around my loved ones who might go apeshit if someone mentions pigskin.

ETA: Wanted to clarify. Not saying the open relationship thing is bad, but I felt if I just said 'given the bad-ness of the overall situation' I feared someone might jump on me for saying open relationships are bad. Not saying that, referring only to peoples' behavior.

This. Exactly why I would feel uncomfortable having him at our wedding. It's not the fact that he drank and got a little rowdy; plenty of my friends and family members get drunk and a little loud and it's totally manageable. However, my concerns are the slamming of the glass and the fact that football set him off. Football is a HUGE deal in my family and FI's family and I don't want any of my loved ones to be uncomfortable because of someone I barely know. Plus it's something that is too trivial to get that upset about (this coming from a passionate fan!). I know that sounds a bit selfish, but that's that.

Regardless, I should talk to Friend...

Inviting a friend's SO who tried to start a fight with me?

Re: Inviting a friend's SO who tried to start a fight with me?

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