Dislike of future in-laws

Knottie24408202 · December 2014

Not sure this is the correct forum for my question/issue, but thought I'd give it a try. My son will be getting married in a year. While I adore my FDIL, I really don't like her mother. I find her controlling, rude, disrespectful. She is very aware that I cannot afford to contribute much to the wedding (I am divorced and on a limited income), but continually makes comments about my lack of financial participation that I find condescending and out-of-line. She is also very competitive and has made remarks as to where our shower will be held (at my niece's home), to where we have chosen the rehearsal dinner to be (thinks it is not fancy enough). I also know that she bad-mouths me to my son - she is so domineering that no one ever stands up to her. I have dealt with her by just smiling and not engaging in any arguments. The issue is that my son and FDIL want our families to be close and I, truthfully, have little desire to do so. My goal is to just get through the wedding and move forward from there. I would never speak poorly of this woman to my son, FDIL, and am resentful about her behavior toward me, and involving my son in the process. My intention is to behave like a lady and not stoop down to her level. Any thoughts, suggestions, comments would be appreciated!!!

MyUserName1 · December 2014

Continue to take the high road. At the end of the day, people will eventually notice that she is being ridiculous and that you are being gracious. After the wedding, you most likely will not have to spend much time with your FDIL's mother.

You could turn it into a drinking game. Every time you have to hold your tongue, take a sip of your champagne and think about how much better of a human being you are.

LarraO2530 · December 2014

- she is so domineering that no one ever stands up to her.

How does your FDIL get along with her mother? Does her mother treat your son badly? I feel that you should be able to talk to your FDIL and your son about the way this woman makes you feel and the things she says/does. Your FDIL should be the one to talk with her mother primarily, but since these remarks have been made in front of your son as well, maybe they could go at it as a couple. My mom is a very domineering and petty woman, but she likes to sit back and let others take care of things then say "look at that ...I'M her mother." My family and my future in-laws will never be close because of the way my mother (family in general) treats people. If your FDIL and son cannot talk to her and make her see that what she says and does is hurtful and rude and that they won't stand for it, maybe standing up for yourself and telling her off will be the jolt she needs. Sometimes those types of people need someone to put them in their place in order to respect that person. It's petty, but some people just are.

AddieCake · December 2014

There is no need for you to "be close." As long as there is civility and cordiality, that is sufficient. You can't force closeness, and you shouldn't try.

climbingsingle · December 2014

That really sucks that she treats you so poorly. I'm sorry. Just kill her with kindness, and keep showing that you're the bigger person.

southernbelle0915 · December 2014

omg again?

Ditto PPs on advice.

AddieCake · December 2014

I read your post history and see you've complained an awful lot about your in-laws here. Nothing is going to change, so stop worrying about it.

mikenberger · December 2014

In reading your post history and this, you're seeming like an overbearing mother. Your in-laws are who they are. You can continue on your course or don't. It's that simple.

novella1186 · December 2014

Not engaging and staying on the high road are pretty much the only (and best) things you can do. Things might settle down after the wedding, at which point it might be easier for you to tolerate her. I know my family has gone insane due to my wedding and all kinds of crazy drama has blown up as a direct result. Weddings just make people insane I guess.

Keep being nice to her, ignore her rude comments, and limit your time with her. Your son and DIL can't force you guys to be close. It's either going to happen or it's not, and it sounds like in your case it's just not gonna happen. That's ok.

photokitty · December 2014

THIS, AGAIN?????

3 years of the same whiney story...

ETA - so we can read this for the next 3 years for reference

Knottie24408202 said:

Not sure this is the correct forum for my question/issue, but thought I'd give it a try. My son will be getting married in a year. While I adore my FDIL, I really don't like her mother. I find her controlling, rude, disrespectful. She is very aware that I cannot afford to contribute much to the wedding (I am divorced and on a limited income), but continually makes comments about my lack of financial participation that I find condescending and out-of-line. She is also very competitive and has made remarks as to where our shower will be held (at my niece's home), to where we have chosen the rehearsal dinner to be (thinks it is not fancy enough). I also know that she bad-mouths me to my son - she is so domineering that no one ever stands up to her. I have dealt with her by just smiling and not engaging in any arguments. The issue is that my son and FDIL want our families to be close and I, truthfully, have little desire to do so. My goal is to just get through the wedding and move forward from there. I would never speak poorly of this woman to my son, FDIL, and am resentful about her behavior toward me, and involving my son in the process. My intention is to behave like a lady and not stoop down to her level. Any thoughts, suggestions, comments would be appreciated!!!

lovegood90 · December 2014

Yeah, this sounds awfully familiar.....

novella1186 · December 2014

OP, I just read through your thread history and also realized you've posted about this issue a lot, which leads me to believe that it's a recurring/constant source of stress and unhappiness in your life. I would recommend seeing a counselor or therapist to work through your negative feelings. (I'm seeing a therapist right now to work through my own family issues and it helps A LOT just to have that unbiased third party to talk to about whatever I need to say, and get their objective advice on the matter).

There's no point in going through life feeling bad all the time. If this keeps upsetting you, you should take action to help yourself feel better. Just a suggestion, but I personally didn't want to go through life feeling like crap for no reason which was why I went to therapy.

banana468 · December 2014

Just don't engage the petty digs. She's probably rather insecure and needs to use the digs to get to people.

However keep in mind that the wedding isn't the end of your dealings with her. It's going to be just the beginning. There will be holidays, birthdays and possibly grandchildren that will be shared with the woman. You need to continue to take the high road and know that while she's alive, she'll be in your life.

Remember, you can't change other people but you can change how you react.

mollybarker11 · December 2014

I've also read through OP's previous posts and things seem miiighty MUDdy:

Feb 2011: "I am the mother of the bride. I have a close friend who I would like to invite to the wedding with a guest. She would like to bring her 21 yr old son - we have a policy of not inviting our friends' children. Her argument is that her son will be her escort, not a guest. She is divorced and is not dating. Although I have known her son his entire life, I need to enforce our policy, so as to not offend other friends. My friend's compromise is for her to come to the ceremony only. I am very angry @ her and feel I need to end our friendship due to her behavior."

March 2011: "One of my closest friend's dgts just got married. I am divorced and not dating anyone. I was invited to this black tie wedding with a guest. I told my friend that I would be bringing my 21 yr. old son, as my escort. My friend informed me that "no children would be invited to the wedding." Explained that he was coming, not as a guest, but as my escort. My friend still refused to allow him to come. I decided to go to the ceremony only, and sent the bride and groom a gift. My friend will not speak with me."

May 2013: "I am divorced. One of my closest friend's dgt was getting married and I was invited with a guest. I decided to bring my adult son as my escort. When I casually mentioned this to my friend, she informed me that he was not allowed to come as they were not inviting "children of friends" to the wedding. I replied that he was coming as my escort, not as a friend's child. She told me he could come "for dessert," but not for any other part of the wedding. [...] I sent a message with a friend that I wouldn't be attending the ceremony. My friend has not spoken to me since, and will not respond to any of my messages. She had told others that our friendship is over, permanently."

Oct 2014: "One of my best friend's son is getting married. It will be a large, formal affair. I am newly-divorced and not currently in a relationship. My friend invited me with a guest. In a phone conversation, I casually mentioned that I would be bringing my adult son as my escort. She proceeded to tell me he would not be allowed to attend as she was not including "children of friends" as guests. I then decided not to attend and sent a gift. [...] I have attempted to contact my friend, but she refuses to speak with me."

Like, sorry for the stalker-novel here on my part but that is messed up guys.

Knottie24408202 · January 2015

No reason to stalk my other posts. I am assuming you must have better things to do with your time. It's easy to judge people when you are not walking in their shoes. Please, no comments, unless they are constructive. They are unnecessary and rude. Would appreciate it -

mikenberger · January 2015

Knottie24408202 said:
No reason to stalk my other posts. I am assuming you must have better things to do with your time. It's easy to judge people when you are not walking in their shoes. Please, no comments, unless they are constructive. They are unnecessary and rude. Would appreciate it -

You are wearing the same shoes for the last three years. Time for some new shoes.

Knottie24408202 · January 2015

Again, no need for the snarky reply. I suggest you take a good look in the mirror before criticizing others. It truly is unnecessary and immature. I am again requesting that you not respond to any of my posts, unless you have something useful to say.

lurkergirl · January 2015

Oh I didn't realize you were our new overlord who gets to control who posts what.

Dislike of future in-laws

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