MOH won't walk down with Best man or groomsmen

Knottie53434137 · January 2015

My MOH and I have been friends since little girls. Her boyfriend (of 6 years) will not allow her to walk down the aisle with any guy. What should I do? There are currently equal groomsmen and bridesmaid so she cannot walk alone.

Knottie53434137 · January 2015

I already know that her bf is ridicolous but I still need help with how to deal with this. Thanks!!

Jen4948 · January 2015

Well, your MOH needs to tell her BF to grow the hell up. But in the absence of that, you do not rearrange your walking arrangements for him. Tell your MOH, "I'm sorry, but those are the arrangements, which are not subject to your BF's approval and which are not changing."

jacques27 · January 2015

Is your wedding going to be ruined or invalidated if you don't have an equal number of people paired up and walking together down the aisle? If no, then...

*have everyone walk by themselves single file
*have the women pair up and walk together and the men pair up and walk together
*have the men already up front and just the women walking down the aisle
*have two men escort one of the bridesmaids and have the MOH walk alone
*have everyone already be waiting up front and only you walk down the aisle
*have them all paired up except the best man and MOH each walk down alone

There are lots of options. Also not listed above is your MOH growing a backbone and explaining to her boyfriend that walking in the general vicinity of another man isn't the same thing as hooking up. But since you're not in control of your MOH's actions, you're best picking something from the first list since that is something over which you do have control.

Jen4948 · January 2015

jacques27 said:
Also not listed above is your MOH growing a backbone and explaining to her boyfriend that walking in the general vicinity of another man isn't the same thing as hooking up. But since you're not in control of your MOH's actions, you're best picking something from the first list since that is something over which you do have control.

I suggested this in my post above yours. While I agree that your suggested other arrangements ate legitimate options, I disagree that the OP should accommodate a jealous immature BF's demand just because "it won't invalidate her wedding."

AddieCake · January 2015

I agree with Jen. A bride should not have to change she and her groom's preferred way for the bridal party to walk for this bullshit. If the MOH won't stand up to her boyfriend, then she can choose not to be in the wedding party and can be the one to bend to her boyfriend's demands.

jacques27 · January 2015

Well, at the time I originally posted, I didn't feel like hypothesizing further with so little information from the OP. But I'm going to guess that someone who has been dating another for six years and feels they have to be "allowed" to walk near another human being at a social function because the person they are dating is still so insecure is probably also controlled in other ways amounting to some sort of emotional abuse. She used the word "allow" (not "isn't comfortable with it" or "doesn't want her to") and it's any man (not even if one of groomsman were married and clearly not going to have any interest in hooking up with said friend?). I realize it's a stretch with the lack of information, but in my experience that is the case more often than not when there is a high level of insecurity and control going on.

And the friend has been with the guy for six years. My guess is she's not going to all of a sudden start standing up to the boyfriend now and pick walking down the aisle at her friend's wedding over this guy - an ultimatum of "This is how we're walking down the aisle" very well may result in her friend not walking down the aisle. If the relationship with the friend is important enough to the OP to stand by her regardless of how much of a controlling dink her boyfriend is, then I think walking down the aisle in pairs isn't the hill I would want to die on if it were me - especially if the boyfriend might be controlling enough to amount to abuse and the friend gets punished for it.

ETA: OP, if I'm way off base and this guy is otherwise a perfectly lovely, reasonable, rational person who has never exhibited any other kind of controlling behavior and might just be under the mistaken impression that everyone will think she's dating or hooking up with the groomsman instead of him because that's what he's seen in movies, then by all means go with "This is the way we're walking down the aisle" and your friend should have a reasonable conversation with him letting him know that real life isn't like the movies and no one is going to think she's "with" the groomsman because they walked in the same direction together for 30 seconds. But if this is just another in a long line of controlling, dinkish (and potentially abusive) behavior, I stand by my original reply.

Jen4948 · January 2015

I still don't think that the possibility that one wedding party member might suffer abuse is a good reason to change walking arrangements. What if the BF then demanded that her dress be changed or her flowers or her bridal party gift or her seat at the reception or whatever? Where does giving in to this asshole stop?

The person who needs to make a decision about anything is the MOH. She needs to decide if staying with an abuser is worth it. The OP can certainly lend a sympathetic ear and shoulder to cry on, but the BF is not entitled to have things his way.

For that matter, even if he isn't abusive, it's still not appropriate for a bridal party member to demand terms from the couple for their participation in the aisle walk, whether jealousy is involved or not. It's one of the few things a bridal party member is required to do at a wedding. At my brother's wedding, I was a bridesmaid and wasn't happy to be paired with the particular groomsman I was paired with, but in the end it wasn't up to me because it wasn't my wedding.

slothiegal · January 2015

Knottie53434137 said:

My MOH and I have been friends since little girls. Her boyfriend (of 6 years) will not allow her to walk down the aisle with any guy. What should I do? There are currently equal groomsmen and bridesmaid so she cannot walk alone.

Well, yes, she can.

But trust and believe, I would not be rearranging jack shit so that this insecure dick can get his controlling way.

rcher912 · January 2015

It really depends on OPs relationship with MOH and her BF, in my opinion. Rearranging things can create some headaches, and open up a can of worms, but that might be worth if if you think so, OP.

I love some of the suggestions @jacques27 came up with - having each the MOH and BM walk alone could be really nice.

But again, a can of worms. Headaches. It could be worth it, but only you can decide that!!!

Jen4948 · January 2015

rcher920 said:
It really depends on OPs relationship with MOH and her BF, in my opinion. Rearranging things can create some headaches, and open up a can of worms, but that might be worth if if you think so, OP.

I love some of the suggestions @jacques27 came up with - having each the MOH and BM walk alone could be really nice.

But again, a can of worms. Headaches. It could be worth it, but only you can decide that!!!

Why should she give herself headaches over an inappropriate demand? The BF's jealousy and immaturity should not control how other people plan their weddings. He:s neither getting married at this wedding nor paying for it, so he is not entitled to a say.

CMGragain · January 2015

OP, this is not your problem. This is your MOH's problem, and she must deal with it.

ohannabelle · January 2015

Poison the bastard. She'll thank you for it, eventually.

slothiegal · January 2015

ohannabelle said:

Poison the bastard. She'll thank you for it, eventually.

STARMOON44 · January 2015

One person won't allow someone to walk with a dude. One person can't conceive of a way of getting married without girl-dude pairings. Seems your MOH has several controlling people in her life at the moment.

Jen4948 · January 2015

STARMOON44 said:
One person won't allow someone to walk with a dude. One person can't conceive of a way of getting married without girl-dude pairings. Seems your MOH has several controlling people in her life at the moment.

Except the bride and groom are entitled to control who walks with who in the recessional at their wedding, which only takes a few minutes out of a lifetime. Jealous BFs are not.

STARMOON44 · January 2015

Jen4948 said:

STARMOON44 said:
One person won't allow someone to walk with a dude. One person can't conceive of a way of getting married without girl-dude pairings. Seems your MOH has several controlling people in her life at the moment.
Except the bride and groom are entitled to control who walks with who in the recessional at their wedding, which only takes a few minutes out of a lifetime. Jealous BFs are not.

It's only a few minutes either way. Holding onto who is entitled to control things that ultimately don't matter isn't, to my mind, a particularly useful way of approaching this dilemma.

Jen4948 · January 2015

STARMOON44 said:

Jen4948 said:

STARMOON44 said:
One person won't allow someone to walk with a dude. One person can't conceive of a way of getting married without girl-dude pairings. Seems your MOH has several controlling people in her life at the moment.
Except the bride and groom are entitled to control who walks with who in the recessional at their wedding, which only takes a few minutes out of a lifetime. Jealous BFs are not.

It's only a few minutes either way. Holding onto who is entitled to control things that ultimately don't matter isn't, to my mind, a particularly useful way of approaching this dilemma.

Neither is letting a jealous asshole have control over something that's not up to him. He's not getting married or paying for the wedding, and giving in to him will give him the idea that he can keep making demands and expecting to be appeased. Better to nip that in the bud now.

AddieCake · January 2015

The bride and groom should not have to shift any of their plans to accommodate this absurdity! It's not "controlling" on the bride's part here at all.

mikenberger · January 2015

Seriously? And you're considering changing your wedding for her boyfriend? Who is an immature snot? No way.

Maggie0829 · January 2015

AddieCake said:

The bride and groom should not have to shift any of their plans to accommodate this absurdity! It's not "controlling" on the bride's part here at all.

This. Sounds like this is a problem the MOH has to deal with NOT the bride or groom.

banana468 · January 2015

This is ricockulous. I'd be matter of fact, "You two don't need to touch but you'll walk down the aisle at the same time and side by side. If that's going to be a problem I understand if you'd rather attend as a guest."

Put it the ball back in her court. She gets to figure out if she can handle walking in a straight line next to someone of the opposite sex (you know, something she probably had to do in grade school) or she gets to back down if she'd rather please a controlling asshole. Rearranging the processional/recessional for a jackass should not be on her list of things to consider.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

Do not compromise to this jerk and his controlling ways! It's not his decision, it's yours. Our BM and GM has spouses that were either not in the bridal party or were participating in the ceremony (aka the wives of two GM were readers at our ceremonies). Of course, they were all mature adults and no one questions who they had to walk with at all.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

Her boyfriend is a controlling loser. I would not re-arrange your plans because of his jealous, controlling tendencies. Your MOH can either deal with it (which will probably mean they break up... oh nooooo, boo hoo!) or take herself out of the wedding party.

How far away is your wedding? You don't need to decide on processional details until the day of... seriously. It's that much of a non-issue.

tammym1001 · January 2015

I rearranged my processional for similar reasons as your MOH's. Everyone has different standards that are acceptable to them in their relationships and if someone doesn't want to walk arm in arm with another man then I'm not one to judge how they handle their relationship. I actually knew it was an issue long before I ever got married and I was more than happy to allow my girls to walk down the aisle alone because it was more important to me to have them in my wedding than it was for me to try to control how they handle their relationships.

If you truly want this girl in your wedding I would let her walk by herself. I would never think twice about all the BM's walking down the aisle with a GM and then the MOH walking by herself. I would think it was to make her stand out as the MOH, not because her SO wouldn't let her walk with another guy.

MobKaz · January 2015

Knottie53434137 said:

My MOH and I have been friends since little girls. Her boyfriend (of 6 years) will not allow her to walk down the aisle with any guy. What should I do? There are currently equal groomsmen and bridesmaid so she cannot walk alone.

Proceed as you have planned. Are you having an old fashioned head table? Although I hope you're not, how will he react if you choose to seat your wedding party boy/girl/boy/girl? Are you introducing your wedding party at the reception? The couples that walked together during the ceremony are often introduced together here as well. What about bridal party pictures? Will he oversee the way the photographer sets up poses? Would you like him to place demands on every aspect of your day that involves his GF?

Liatris2010 · January 2015

Your best friend is in what seems to be an abusive, controlling relationship. If she is not permitted to walk along side another man in full view of her bf and a hundred other people, I imagine she isn't allowed to be with other people when her bf isn't around to supervisor either. While it would be great if she breaks up with this controlling jerk, chances are that might not happen. If you want to continue the friendship, I would let her walk alone. Not to appease her psycho bf, but to make her life, which judging by her controling bf is probably miserable, slightly better. I would bet that if you tell her to walk with someone and she agrees, the bf will send 100s of abusive texts the morning of the wedding, and she will be red-faced and macara stained by ceremony time.

climbingsingle · January 2015

AddieCake said:

The bride and groom should not have to shift any of their plans to accommodate this absurdity! It's not "controlling" on the bride's part here at all.

This. Your MOH's boyfriend can kindly fuck off, IMO.

abbyj700 · January 2015

Forget your wedding for a moment.

OP- do you believe your friend is in a controlling and abusive relationship? Start there, talk to her, try to help her if you believe she is. Walking in your wedding may be the symptom - but it's not the real problem.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

Other things to talk to BM about

Will the boyfriend be ok with her doing group photos
Will he be ok with her having her photo taken with just the groom (we did photos of myself with each GM & then hubby with each BM)

thisismynickname2 · January 2015

Knottie53434137 Inquiring minds want to know why the boyfriend is requesting this. We're all assuming he's controlling, but is there any religious reason, by chance? I'm vaguely aware that some religions don't even let men and women sit together in the audience.

Also, while I totally agree that you should not technically give in to this dude's demands, Jacques27 gave a bunch of great ideas. At my wedding, the groom's side stood up front while the bridesmaids processed in alone. They walked out side by side but didn't have to, they could have easily gone single file. My opinion is that in the grand scheme of things, side-by-side walking is not mandatory and is not important to achieve any grand vision, so if I were you I'd just choose some other arrangement. I just don't think it's a hill to die on since there are so many other options. Same with table arrangements and reception announcements.

That being said, I'm one of 7 maids in an upcoming wedding. Every single one of us is married and not one of us will be walking up with a man we're married to. (I slept with one of them ten years ago and requested that I don't walk with that guy, but that's about it.) The horror!

MOH won't walk down with Best man or groomsmen

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