SO: Did he ask your parents?

JaniV123 · January 2015

It seems for a lot of ladies here it was important that your FI/DH asked your parents before hand. So I was curious as to why?

For me, I had always told FI I did not like that BS because I was an adult woman and I was not a possession/object to be asked for. So he didn't ask. When we went to tell my mom she was ticked off that he didnt ask her for permission and I explained to her that I had asked him not to do that since I felt strongly about it.

So am I alone in this?

melizabethp · January 2015

My parents had always insisted that both my future husband and my sister's ask Dad for permission before the proposal (not blessing after the fact). The more time that passed, the more I suspected that it was mostly Dad was more or less forced to ask for Mom's hand. OK, I say, but that was in 1975, my maternal grandfather was terminally ill and Mom still lived at home. (And also, a pretty awesome comedy of errors preceded Grandpa demanding that Dad come over and ask for Mom's hand).

I'm 30, in my eighth year of living on my own and in my fifth year of dating FI. Come on now. I didn't exactly put much pressure on FI to ask for my hand.

So: No, FI didn't ask. But my dad gave his blessing, quite beautifully, when we called my parents to tell them. And that's what I wanted, more than knowing that FI had his permission to marry me.

I mean, I could be posting an update to this after we go have dinner with my parents this weekend, but I think my parents want a wedding (and, more to the point, grandchildren) too much to be picky.

KeptInStitches · January 2015

I told now-FI that he was not to ask my parents for permission or blessing. I'm on my own and make my own decisions, darnit.

My parents were fine with it (I was able to give them the heads-up about a month beforehand that we would be getting engaged soon). My indication of just how fine with it my dad was was the day after we got engaged we were with my parents for lunch, and when I got there and told them we were engaged, my dad headed for the basement and came up with a bottle of unoaked chardonnay.

mikenberger · January 2015

My FI didn't ask. I kind of wished that he had. But that's because I'm traditional and shit.

AddieCake · January 2015

No.

Maggie0829 · January 2015

My H didn't ask for permission, but he did call my parents to tell them what he was planning and to also ask them if they knew my ring size.

I think some parents just like to be in the know when it comes to the big things going on in their child's lives. So I don't think the whole asking permission is as important as maybe just knowing that your "little girl" is going to be proposed to.

climbingsingle · January 2015

No, my H did not ask first.

jenna8984 · January 2015

No. He didn't ask or let them know first. I agree with you, I'm my own person and still would have married him regardless of their answer so it would have been a moot point.

chibiyui · January 2015

H told them he was planning to propose and they gave their "blessing".

Feels weird to type that out.

beethery · January 2015

He called my dad to give him a heads up that a wedding planning storm was coming. I'd told him for a long time that I do not belong to my parents, and he doesn't need their permission. Just that my dad might appreciate some notice before the storm.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

When we had the "we want to get married" discussions prior to engagement, we talked about this.

He wanted to ask because tradition. My stance is that it's a stupid, rhetorical question because, what if they say no? Is he going to say, "oh ok. cool. I'll move out and break up with her..no problem"? No. We're going to get married anyway. Because he doesn't need their permission. Women are allowed to permit themselves to get married these days. It's really great.

He ended up taking them out to dinner and "asked for their blessing." I actually thought that was really sweet.

JaniV123 · January 2015

My dad was like "awesome! You guys have my blessing" My mom was the one who asked why didnt he ask her for my hand first. I explained that to her and she was ok with it afterwards. She comes from an old fashioned household si I didnt make a big deal out of it.

vmj23 · January 2015

No, he didn't ask. He was planning on stopping at my parents house the day he asked, to tell him he was getting ready to ask but he said he was so busy running around all day getting his plan set that he didn't have time.

Lulawife · January 2015

He didn't ask but he did tell my parents the day he proposed that it was happening that night. He proposed the day of a golf tournament held in honor of my grandfather and he was playing in the tournament with his dad, my dad and my brother so he told them while playing. My mom and I were also at the tournament and he managed to get my mom alone to tell her as well.

porkchops926 · January 2015

My FI is rather traditional and I'm extremely close with my parents. He didn't do a strict asking for permission thing as in I'm a commodity, but more of a "would you be ok with having me as a son-in-law" a couple months beforehand.

I thought it was very endearing.

kmomac · January 2015

My FI didn't "ask permission," but he did stop by my parents house the night before it happened to tell them that it was happening. I thought it was sweet, and I know my parents really appreciated that he took the time to come tell them in person.

plainjane0415 · January 2015

I wouldn't have cared either way, but my FI did let my dad know the day of that he was going to ask me.

JennyColada · January 2015

I didn't care if he asked. My parents would have been confused (I've been raised to be pretty independent, so they don't feel like I need their permission to do anything).

He didn't ask.

brideiguess · January 2015

We kind of planned our engagement together. After he bought my ring and I bought my engagement gift for him, (a couple months before our anniversary when we would exchange them,) I called my parents up myself and let them know what was coming. They were unsurprised, and thrilled.

I wouldn't have minded if he had asked for their blessing beforehand himself, but I told him point blank not to ask them for their "permission." Blessing is a show of support, and I want to be married with my family's support, but I don't need their permission.

Everybody is different, and everyone's families are different. The only right way is the way that feels right for you and your family.

Knottie05456779 · January 2015

Yes he ask my mother and she start planning before I was engaged.

mattycam · January 2015

My H asked my parents and got their blessing.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

When we were discussing possibly getting married, FI thought he should ask for their blessing, though I didn't really care. I already knew that my family adored him and would say yes, but he wanted to. FI sent my mom a FB message, since between his visits and my parent's work schedules, and planning a move out of state, he never had a chance to speak to them alone. He did tell her he would have rather had the conversation in person, though.

He basically told my mom how he felt about me, and that he was planning to propose around a certain date, and that he wanted her to know beforehand since she and I are close, and I am her only daughter. Mom gave her blessing. Looking back, I appreciate that he did send her that message, so it wasn't like she got hit with it out of the blue right after they moved.

flyingfoxes · January 2015

No. I'm almost 40 and have been on my own since I was 19. Plus my father passed away almost 5 years ago. I find that tradition to be kind of icky anyway - I'm my own person, not my parents' property.

girleyeslightup · January 2015

I think asking for permission is odd, but I did think it was important for my SO to go to my parents (and his parents) and more… state his intentions. So he went and just told them that he was planning to propose and had a nice bonding moment with both sets of parents. But no permission was asked!

minttobemrsb · January 2015

My FI didn't "ask permission" but he did sit down with my parents and let them know that he had intentions of proposing. He also did the same with his own family. I don't see that as treating me like property, but more of wanting to keep the family involved out of respect.

We both come from very open families and we had talked openly about our intentions to get married one day so it wasn't really a suprise. He also included both our families in the engagement so I guess he had to tell them.

Either way, I'm sure if you talk to your mom about your feelings she would understand. As long as you're happy, I think she will be happy.

WhatawagSBNy · January 2015

JaniV123 said:
It seems for a lot of ladies here it was important that your FI/DH asked your parents before hand. So I was curious as to why?

For me, I had always told FI I did not like that BS because I was an adult woman and I was not a possession/object to be asked for. So he didn't ask. When we went to tell my mom she was ticked off that he didnt ask her for permission and I explained to her that I had asked him not to do that since I felt strongly about it.

So am I alone in this?

*************
I would have had a fit if my FI had even considered treating me like a child or a possession of my parents.
One of my sisters' boyfriend did ask my Dad. My Dad apparently told him - Under no circumstances would he give his approval to anyone who knew so little about his daughter K and cared so little that he did not accord her the respect and dignity of treating her like a grown woman. Then Dad got up and left the building. Love my Dad!

Knottie13257900 · January 2015

Mine asked (I had no idea he was going to) and it made my parents really happy. Not as if they would ever say no...it was just a sweet gesture that made them love him even more.

als1982 · January 2015

I have always been super independent, but after my dad died about 8 years ago, things like this became much more meaningful to me. So, my H knew before asking that it was important to me that he first speak with my mom. He did, and even though it was by phone only about 15 minutes before it happened, I appreciated him doing so.

rosecoloredglasses81 · January 2015

FI did ask my dad. I knew my dad would like it if he did; not because he had to, but my FI thought it was respectful and traditional.

Knottie96017376 · January 2015

Mine asked my dad. I had never cared one way or the other until after I found out he asked my dad before he asked me. I don't feel like it's an "I'm my dad's property" thing, but asking my dad made me feel that my parents really did want to accept my fiance into the family. It meant a lot to me, when I didn't think it would.

I don't think asking for your fiance's hand has anything to do with whether or not you are independent. Whether or not you live, feel, and act independently, you are still a part of your family and hopefully your family will be welcoming your future partner. If he asks for your hand in marriage, it's more of a recognition of that fact than the more historical asking for permission.

hhume10 · January 2015

I agree, I'm an adult and can make my own decisions. So regardless of what my father said, we would have gotten married anyway. That said, I'm close to my parents and I wanted him to ask and he wanted to as well. Not because I was "property" or something like that, but just because it's nice for all of us to come out and agree that this is something we are all excited about and want to happen.

SO: Did he ask your parents?

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