Obsessing

rcher912 · January 2015

So I'm sure it's pretty common, and nobody wants me to become a bridezilla, so I need your help, knotties.

All I can think about lately is the wedding. I want to plan, and I'm ready to, but so many people in my life are not. The wedding is coming up and decisions need to be made, which only makes me more anxious/obsessive about all this nonsense. FI just keeps saying "whatever you want, whatever you want". My family's like "that's nice, sweetie, sounds good".

It also doesn't help that these forums are awesome and a lot of fun and help to lurk around and post on.

I need to chill out, but it's hard! This is a huge, and fun, and exciting time in my life! But I think everyone's sick of me.

theartistformerlyknownas · January 2015

rcher920 said:
So I'm sure it's pretty common, and nobody wants me to become a bridezilla, so I need your help, knotties.

All I can think about lately is the wedding. I want to plan, and I'm ready to, but so many people in my life are not. The wedding is coming up and decisions need to be made, which only makes me more anxious/obsessive about all this nonsense. FI just keeps saying "whatever you want, whatever you want". My family's like "that's nice, sweetie, sounds good".

It also doesn't help that these forums are awesome and a lot of fun and help to lurk around and post on.

I need to chill out, but it's hard! This is a huge, and fun, and exciting time in my life! But I think everyone's sick of me.

Quit talking to them about it. Talk to us.

And don't worry, you'll hit the "give zero fucks" stage eventually where you really couldn't give one more flying, land based or maritime fuck about another wedding detail!

novella1186 · January 2015

I agree with lolo, talk to us! And yep, it will wear off. For the first couple months after I got engaged I would sometimes spend an entire day on wedding websites, making lists of ideas, checking out vendors even if it was too soon to hire them, etc. I probably annoyed the shit out of everyone around me. Now I could care less. When friends/family bring up my wedding I'm just like "ugh can we please talk about something less boring?"

(For context I got engaged a little over a year ago, and my wedding is this May. So I've been over it for a while.) No worries!

blabla89 · January 2015

I think a lot of us went through that phase. Take a deep breath and remember that not everything needs to be done right this minute.

esstee33 · January 2015

OK. Here's the thing: are any of these other people contributing dollars to this shindig? Because if you and FI are the ones paying, that's all the people you need to be ready to start planning.

It also matters how much time you have to go before your wedding. Booking some major things, like the venue, can be done really early, and depending on when/where you're getting married, it's not necessarily a bad idea to do so.

But in the meantime, that's what TK is for!

rcher912 · January 2015

9 months left - we're getting married in September (probably). I say probably because we're just booking the venue this week (again, probably - once everyone gets back to work and gives us the A-OK).

My parents are contributing a little, but have made it very clear that as long as they're invited, they don't give a flying fuck. Mom likes to hear a little bit, but they're just not very excitable people. They're just "happy I'm happy".

I'm happy I'm happy, too! But venues! Pictures! Photographers! DJs! Dresses! Bridesmaids! Invites! STDs (which, btw, I HATE that acronym haha)! The list is endless, and FI just wants to play Destiny...haha.

I think I've finally nailed down a guest list out of him, although he didn't realize I didn't want to invite kids. Oy. I think that's fine, though, he doesn't want to spend any more money than I do.

kaitlynmichelle · January 2015

I got sick of wedding planning for awhile. We had a 9 month engagement, and FIL was a big pain in the ass during it. He wanted complete control of all the things! H didn't care too much for the details, and honestly I planned almost everything solo.

When I really needed H's opinion, I found it easiest to present him simple options. "Do you like this photographer's work, or this one?" instead of "Can you pick a photographer?" He seemed to enjoy being involved when I had already done a lot of the research and narrowed it down for him as he knew I cared more about the specifics.

Just remember not everyone cares about wedding talk. Some people begged me to tell them details, and others I could tell didn't care at all and wanted me to shut up. I shared here, and with MOH since she wanted to be super involved. If you are crafty, try some DIY projects! They can take up a lot of time and keep you "wedding" focused when you just have nothing to do. I found after booking the venue/photographer/officiant/etc right away, I had nothing to really do for a few months.

Example photo - I knit, and wanted to make myself something for the wedding. I learned how to knit lace and spent a few months on this shawl to wear for our dinner.

We all like wedding details, so feel free to share away here!

esstee33 · January 2015

rcher920 said:

9 months left - we're getting married in September (probably). I say probably because we're just booking the venue this week (again, probably - once everyone gets back to work and gives us the A-OK).

My parents are contributing a little, but have made it very clear that as long as they're invited, they don't give a flying fuck. Mom likes to hear a little bit, but they're just not very excitable people. They're just "happy I'm happy".

I'm happy I'm happy, too! But venues! Pictures! Photographers! DJs! Dresses! Bridesmaids! Invites! STDs (which, btw, I HATE that acronym haha)! The list is endless, and FI just wants to play Destiny...haha.

I think I've finally nailed down a guest list out of him, although he didn't realize I didn't want to invite kids. Oy. I think that's fine, though, he doesn't want to spend any more money than I do.

Aw. I bet if you ask his opinion on specific things, he might be more interested in being involved. Maybe not, though -- some dudes genuinely just don't care. My XH only cared about the cake and food, and just continually told me "whatever you think is good" for absolutely everything else -- which sucked, because I was trying to plan the kind of wedding HE wanted to begin with, but beyond "fancy sit-down dinner" he didn't give me much else to go with. Coooool, dude.

rcher912 · January 2015

The only thing FI has really presented as a non-negotiable is a Catholic ceremony. No prob, Bob. After that, he just gets very uncomfortable. Oy. So here I am.

SO.

I'm mostly concerned about venue/food being fantastic, and am willing to splurge a little on those and budget elsewhere to get what we want. (We're spending extra on a slider station. Yes. Sliders. As in little tiny hamburgers. I LOVE IT! haha)

I just have to wait for the venue to OK the date, then get them a check, and start talking to their priest. After that, my TK checklist says I need to get talking to most of the rest of the vendors - photos, DJ, and flowers - ASAP. (Sidenote: Does that thing cause anyone else stress??? It's telling me half my stuff is "overdue"!)

I have some ideas, and a definite vision of what I'm looking for - I'll probably budget more on flowers/DJ, see what I can do there.

theartistformerlyknownas · January 2015

rcher920 said:

The only thing FI has really presented as a non-negotiable is a Catholic ceremony. No prob, Bob. After that, he just gets very uncomfortable. Oy. So here I am.

SO.

I'm mostly concerned about venue/food being fantastic, and am willing to splurge a little on those and budget elsewhere to get what we want. (We're spending extra on a slider station. Yes. Sliders. As in little tiny hamburgers. I LOVE IT! haha)

I just have to wait for the venue to OK the date, then get them a check, and start talking to their priest. After that, my TK checklist says I need to get talking to most of the rest of the vendors - photos, DJ, and flowers - ASAP. (Sidenote: Does that thing cause anyone else stress??? It's telling me half my stuff is "overdue"!)

I have some ideas, and a definite vision of what I'm looking for - I'll probably budget more on flowers/DJ, see what I can do there.

AAAHHHHHHH STOP STOP STOP STOP!

Priest first. Reception venue second!!!

Your priest will be much more specific with when your ceremony can take place. Only after you have that time decided should you book your reception, so that you can ensure your cocktail hour can start directly after your ceremony ends (plus any travel time between).

holyguacamole79 · January 2015

lolo883 said:

rcher920 said:

The only thing FI has really presented as a non-negotiable is a Catholic ceremony. No prob, Bob. After that, he just gets very uncomfortable. Oy. So here I am.

SO.

I'm mostly concerned about venue/food being fantastic, and am willing to splurge a little on those and budget elsewhere to get what we want. (We're spending extra on a slider station. Yes. Sliders. As in little tiny hamburgers. I LOVE IT! haha)

I just have to wait for the venue to OK the date, then get them a check, and start talking to their priest. After that, my TK checklist says I need to get talking to most of the rest of the vendors - photos, DJ, and flowers - ASAP. (Sidenote: Does that thing cause anyone else stress??? It's telling me half my stuff is "overdue"!)

I have some ideas, and a definite vision of what I'm looking for - I'll probably budget more on flowers/DJ, see what I can do there.

AAAHHHHHHH STOP STOP STOP STOP!

Priest first. Reception venue second!!!

Your priest will be much more specific with when your ceremony can take place. Only after you have that time decided should you book your reception, so that you can ensure your cocktail hour can start directly after your ceremony ends (plus any travel time between).

THIS. Meet with your priest before anything else. The Carholic Church is quite strict.

JCbride2015 · January 2015

lolo883 said:

rcher920 said:

The only thing FI has really presented as a non-negotiable is a Catholic ceremony. No prob, Bob. After that, he just gets very uncomfortable. Oy. So here I am.

SO.

I'm mostly concerned about venue/food being fantastic, and am willing to splurge a little on those and budget elsewhere to get what we want. (We're spending extra on a slider station. Yes. Sliders. As in little tiny hamburgers. I LOVE IT! haha)

I just have to wait for the venue to OK the date, then get them a check, and start talking to their priest. After that, my TK checklist says I need to get talking to most of the rest of the vendors - photos, DJ, and flowers - ASAP. (Sidenote: Does that thing cause anyone else stress??? It's telling me half my stuff is "overdue"!)

I have some ideas, and a definite vision of what I'm looking for - I'll probably budget more on flowers/DJ, see what I can do there.

AAAHHHHHHH STOP STOP STOP STOP!

Priest first. Reception venue second!!!

Your priest will be much more specific with when your ceremony can take place. Only after you have that time decided should you book your reception, so that you can ensure your cocktail hour can start directly after your ceremony ends (plus any travel time between).

YES, this! Line up your ceremony first! Many Catholic churches have specific days and times when you can have your wedding. You will have to plan your reception around this so your guests can go straight from ceremony to cocktail hour (no gaps).

rcher912 · January 2015

So the venue is actually a local Catholic college with a very nice old mansion and Chapel on-site that they prefer you use. We're hoping that maybe the priest at the school can marry us, as he's a friend of my brother's (who went to and now works at the school).

I'm really hoping this won't be a huge issue, as I'm not Catholic and he doesn't attend Mass regularly, so we don't really know any priests...

holyguacamole79 · January 2015

rcher920 said:

So the venue is actually a local Catholic college with a very nice old mansion and Chapel on-site that they prefer you use. We're hoping that maybe the priest at the school can marry us, as he's a friend of my brother's (who went to and now works at the school).

I'm really hoping this won't be a huge issue, as I'm not Catholic and he doesn't attend Mass regularly, so we don't really know any priests...

Definitely contact the priest ASAP. You'll also need to schedule Pre-Cana (marriage prep) with the priest.

theartistformerlyknownas · January 2015

rcher920 said:

So the venue is actually a local Catholic college with a very nice old mansion and Chapel on-site that they prefer you use. We're hoping that maybe the priest at the school can marry us, as he's a friend of my brother's (who went to and now works at the school).

I'm really hoping this won't be a huge issue, as I'm not Catholic and he doesn't attend Mass regularly, so we don't really know any priests...

Talk to the priest first. They'll get you squared away with any other prerequisites you might need. There are a lot of requirements for Catholic weddings... it's not like others where you can just book someone online and go for it. If the whole venue is Catholic, they might have more hoops (like establishing good standing with a church) before you can book there. But the priest will have those details.

JCbride2015 · January 2015

rcher920 said:

So the venue is actually a local Catholic college with a very nice old mansion and Chapel on-site that they prefer you use. We're hoping that maybe the priest at the school can marry us, as he's a friend of my brother's (who went to and now works at the school).

I'm really hoping this won't be a huge issue, as I'm not Catholic and he doesn't attend Mass regularly, so we don't really know any priests...

Schedule-wise, it sounds like they have probably hosted many weddings, so hopefully they can help you work out a smooth timeline.

My Fi and I are in the same situation: he grew up Catholic but doesn't attend Mass anymore, and I am not religious. Personally, we opted for a nondenominational ceremony because my understanding is most Catholic priests require at least one spouse to be a practicing member of the Church and promise to raise any children in the faith, etc. We just weren't comfortable with making those promises if we were not going to practice. But it's a very personal choice.

novella1186 · January 2015

holyguacamole79 said:

rcher920 said:

So the venue is actually a local Catholic college with a very nice old mansion and Chapel on-site that they prefer you use. We're hoping that maybe the priest at the school can marry us, as he's a friend of my brother's (who went to and now works at the school).

I'm really hoping this won't be a huge issue, as I'm not Catholic and he doesn't attend Mass regularly, so we don't really know any priests...

Definitely contact the priest ASAP. You'll also need to schedule Pre-Cana (marriage prep) with the priest.

And hammer out ALL the details before committing to it.

We wanted to have a Jewish ceremony and my family's rabbi agreed to do it. We called her right when we got engaged to make sure she was ok with it because I'm not practicing and NEVER go to temple services, I'm covered in tattoos (which is a no-no for Jews) and FI is not Jewish, so we thought she'd say no. She was fine with all of this, and said there were no other restrictions.

So we went ahead and planned everything. AFTER it was all planned and booked and deposits were paid, rabbi decides to drop a bombshell on me: she will not perform a marriage ceremony on a Saturday. Our wedding was booked for Saturday. Traditionally, Jews can't get married on Saturdays cuz of the Sabbath but she's a very modern Reform rabbi (some rabbis in this category will do Saturday weddings) and very liberal and since I specifically asked if there were any restrictions and she said no, it hadn't occurred to me that the day of the week would even be a problem.

She wanted me to re-plan my entire wedding for Sunday, or for after sundown on Saturday, so I would have had to cancel/change EVERYTHING and lose a lot of deposits, etc etc etc. It was turning into a whole huge mess. We ended up having to "fire" the rabbi, which sucked and felt awful and she wasn't very kind about it, and find a secular officiant. It was really confusing and REALLY stressful, but it seems to have all worked out.

Anyway, sorry for the big long story. Just wanted to warn you that when you're not actually involved in the religion or very involved with the specific church or whatever, make sure all the details and whatnot are very clear so you don't get hit with a bombshell and have to scramble to fix or change all the plans!

rcher912 · January 2015

Now that I think about all of this, how do I even go about getting an officiant?!

"Hey, sir, how are you? You know someone I know...think you could marry me and my FI? Just let us know what we need to do!"

...ahh, that sounds so awkward.

ETA: Are there etiquette rules or just generally nice things to go by to make this less awkward for all involved?

theartistformerlyknownas · January 2015

rcher920 said:

Now that I think about all of this, how do I even go about getting an officiant?!

"Hey, sir, how are you? You know someone I know...think you could marry me and my FI? Just let us know what we need to do!"

...ahh, that sounds so awkward.

ETA: Are there etiquette rules or just generally nice things to go by to make this less awkward for all involved?

If this is a priest who normally performs weddings there, it shouldn't be awkward. Shoot him an email, say "My name is rcher, and my FI and I are planning our upcoming wedding. Do you have availability to perform a wedding ceremony in September of this year? We'd love to meet with you to discuss."

JCbride2015 · January 2015

rcher920 said:

Now that I think about all of this, how do I even go about getting an officiant?!

"Hey, sir, how are you? You know someone I know...think you could marry me and my FI? Just let us know what we need to do!"

...ahh, that sounds so awkward.

ETA: Are there etiquette rules or just generally nice things to go by to make this less awkward for all involved?

If you are seeking a religious officiant, I assume you'd have a pre-existing relationship from church, synagogue, temple, etc. so you would just approach them.

Otherwise, we found our officiant based on TK recommendations just like we found any other vendor. I called and had meetings with a couple of officiants based on their reviews, found one we "clicked" with, and paid a deposit to reserve the date.

novella1186 · January 2015

You said the priest is a friend of your brother's right? So send an e-mail, say "Hi my name is (name), and my fiance and I are planning a wedding for September of 2015. My brother (brother's name) recommended you to perform our ceremony, which is at (place priest is affiliated with). Is this something you could do, and if so can we meet to discuss? Thank you, (name)"

No big deal!

sophhabobopha · January 2015

Hi! Welcome! I was obsessec at first too, which was really dumb because we're having a 2 year engagement, haha!

holyguacamole79 · January 2015

rcher920 said:

Now that I think about all of this, how do I even go about getting an officiant?!

"Hey, sir, how are you? You know someone I know...think you could marry me and my FI? Just let us know what we need to do!"

...ahh, that sounds so awkward.

ETA: Are there etiquette rules or just generally nice things to go by to make this less awkward for all involved?

Email / call the priest and introduce yourself. Ask what is involved for marriage prep and to be married in the Church. Are you baptized in any Christian faith? That will be one of the first questions. Priests aren't scary. I just called ours and told him I was engaged and that I'd be honored for him to witness our marriage. It was quite easy.

danamw · January 2015

My wedding was very small, in my future IL's house. So planning was easier. But I hit a point, where I couldn't think of anything else to do, no one else to call, then I thought I had forgotten something.

I soon began to feel, if it was forgotten, it must not be that crucial, and we will do without it. When the wedding day was over, "it" never turned up.

It is just a nerves thing!

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