venting after the fact...

Re: venting after the fact...

• mikenberger member

  

  January 2015

  I cannot fathom what someone would've said, who didn't put their hands on me first, that constituted physical violence. It should bug you that your MOH hauled off and slapped someone, regardless of who it was and what they said.

  
  

  
  

  Report9 Reply
• novella1186 member

  

  January 2015

  Lowell14 said:

  So, 3 things happened at my wedding that I've had mulled over in a 'wtf?' kinda way 1) BIL tells me just before we did for dinner that he had a wedding gift for us but his friend died so he had to use the money to change his plane ticket...I would have noticed when writing thank you notes but thanks for making a scene about it...I just told him I.was sorry to hear about his friend and left it at that. 2) Mom tells me that my SS didn't have ANY dinner (keep in mind the word any) and he was 'drinking a lot'. He is 17 and legally allowed to drink at a private function. I casually asking if he enjoyed his meal. He says that is was nice but he didn't eat it all because he wasn't feeling great. I checked with him, not my kid, of age; what else can I do? 3) MOH tells me DH uncle was rude about her weight and she slapped him for it. Good for her! But she didn't tell me until after I got home from HM. It's,more of a vent than anything, but why were people coming to me about things I had no control over? Thanks for letting me vent. I know I'm being ridiculous especially after the fact, but they oddly still bug me.

  I'm a little confused as to why #1 bugged you so much? If his friend had just died, maybe the reason he came out and told you about it was because he was really grieving and it was his way of saying "this thing happened and caused this other thing [not being able to give you the gift] and I could use a little sympathy and understanding." I get that it may have struck you as weird for him to make a big deal about it, but for you to be upset about it to the point that you still need to vent just strikes me as odd. Maybe I'm misunderstanding or something. 

  

  Report7 Reply
• lyndausvi mod

  

  January 2015

  To be honest I think you are nic-picking. 

  
  

  #1 - obviously you BIL wanted to give you a gift, maybe even felt obligated.   His friend died.  I'm sure he was torn between grieving and "supposed to" be giving a gift he felt the need to explain why he didn't give one.   Was the timing off?  Sure, but I don't see it a need to vent.  I think it was sweet that felt the need to explain, even though he is not required to give a gift in the first place.

  
  

  
  

  #2 -  A 17 year old drinking and not eating is something to be concerned about. While he might be legal to drink at a private function you and your new husband are still responsible for his actions.     Your mom alerted you, I fail to see the issue here.   Sure mom could have been exaggerating, but I wouldn't put it past a drinking 17 year old to stretch the truth either.   If he is not feeling well why is he still drinking?  

  
  

  #3 - Rude or not, it's NEVER acceptable for ANYONE to slap another guest (person for that matter) period.  What if MOH was being rude about his weight and uncle slapped her?  Would you have said "good for him?".  Nope, his ass would have been arrested.   People like  you and your MOH piss me off.  Oh it's okay for a woman to slap a man, but not a man slap a women.    No, it's not.

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

  Report18 Reply
• Maggie0829 member

  

  January 2015

  I agree with Lynda on everything.

  
  

  #1)  Sometimes people feel it necessary to tell you why they didn't give you a gift.  He was also grieving and when you are grieving you may not always say things the way you really want to say them.

  
  

  #2)  He is 17 so he is a minor.  Just because it is legal for him to drink at social events does not mean that you can just disregard him or any concern that someone else might have for him.  To do so is very irresponsible and just because you are the bride that day doesn't mean that you and your husband's parenting responsibilities goes out the window.

  
  

  #3)  Your MOH crossed a line and should apologize to your Uncle.

  
  

  Report1 Reply
• sarawifenow member

  

  January 2015

  I cannot believe that you are ok with your MOH slapping your uncle! That is so unacceptable and I can't even get past it to respond to the other (petty) things you are upset about.

  

  Report3 Reply
• aurianna member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  To #1... I could see where it could be awkward.
  If it had been me I would have just left an empty card and then maybe just texted your husband a few days later and explained why there was no other gift.
  But I'd give the benefit of the doubt that he was grieving and thought it was important that you know he wasn't giving you a present, not because he didn't like you, but because it wasn't feasible any longer.
  It sounds like you handled it right at the time. Feel bad for his loss, give him the benefit of the doubt, and just be happy he attended the wedding at all and was there for you guys, despite a big upset in his life.
  
  #2 - I dunno... if you were hosting the event, perhaps your mother though you, as the host, should be aware of something that could potentially cause problems. But you're right that there could have been other people that could have dealt with it better (Day of coordinator? The kid's parents?)
  I don't really understand the situation. It sounds weird.
  If it's your step-son, then your mom was right to let you know that he might be engaging in behavior that is dangerous or could cause a scene. You could have delegated to your husband at that point, especially if it seemed like SS was maybe lying.
  It didn't sound like it got out of hand though, so no biggie either way right?
  
  
  #3 - Errr... Yes, it's unfortunate that this happened at your wedding... His uncle's saying anything to the MOH about her weight is rude and hurtful. Her slapping him is classless and embarrassing and could have potentially gotten her in a lot of trouble.
  I'm not sure if it would serve much purpose having them apologize to each other at this point. Never invite them to the same social function again though...
  

  Report0 Reply
• lyndausvi mod

  

  January 2015

  aurianna said:

  To #1... I could see where it could be awkward.
  If it had been me I would have just left an empty card and then maybe just texted your husband a few days later and explained why there was no other gift.
  But I'd give the benefit of the doubt that he was grieving and thought it was important that you know he wasn't giving you a present, not because he didn't like you, but because it wasn't feasible any longer.
  It sounds like you handled it right at the time. Feel bad for his loss, give him the benefit of the doubt, and just be happy he attended the wedding at all and was there for you guys, despite a big upset in his life.
  
  #2 - I dunno... if you were hosting the event, perhaps your mother though you, as the host, should be aware of something that could potentially cause problems. But you're right that there could have been other people that could have dealt with it better (Day of coordinator? The kid's parents?)
  I don't really understand the situation. It sounds weird.
  
  #3 - Errr... Yes, it's unfortunate that this happened at your wedding... His uncle's saying anything to the MOH about her weight is rude and hurtful. Her slapping him is classless and embarrassing and could have potentially gotten her in a lot of trouble.
  I'm not sure if it would serve much purpose having them apologize to each other at this point. Never invite them to the same social function again though...
  

  The op said my SS.  SS around here normally means step-son.  So I took it as it was her step-son who didn't eat and was drinking.  So yeah, I don't think mom telling the OP about SS is out of line.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

  Report2 Reply
• aurianna member

  

  January 2015

  lyndausvi said:

  The op said my SS.  SS around here normally means step-son.  So I took it as it was her step-son who didn't eat and was drinking.  So yeah, I don't think mom telling the OP about SS is out of line.

  Oh! Step-son! Oh, then yup. Who else would she tell??
  

  Report0 Reply
• novella1186 member

  

  January 2015

  aurianna said:

  lyndausvi said:

  The op said my SS.  SS around here normally means step-son.  So I took it as it was her step-son who didn't eat and was drinking.  So yeah, I don't think mom telling the OP about SS is out of line.

  Oh! Step-son! Oh, then yup. Who else would she tell??
  

  Yeah you'd think that any parent-- even a step parent-- would have some iota of concern over such a thing. Whether it's their wedding day or not. 

  

  Report1 Reply
• lyndausvi mod

  

  January 2015

  aurianna said:

  lyndausvi said:

  The op said my SS.  SS around here normally means step-son.  So I took it as it was her step-son who didn't eat and was drinking.  So yeah, I don't think mom telling the OP about SS is out of line.

  Oh! Step-son! Oh, then yup. Who else would she tell??
  

  
  

  As a 17 year old you might know the tricks of getting drunk faster.    For example, not eating increases the buzz in some people.   Having parents who are busy with guests means you can down more drinks  if they are not paying attention.   

  
  

  
  

  Again I think mom was trying to be helpful.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

  Report0 Reply
• STARMOON44 member

  

  January 2015

  So your big complaint is not that these things happened, but that people dared to burst your precious bride bubble and interact with you like a normal person?

  Report1 Reply
• kmmssg mod

  

  January 2015

  Your MOH pisses me off, and I get livid when people make cracks about someone's weight.  She was wrong to slap him.

  
  

  Can someone fill me in on the "legal to drink at a private function" thingy?  Is this a Canadian thing?

  Report0 Reply
• lyndausvi mod

  

  January 2015

  kmmssg said:

  Your MOH pisses me off, and I get livid when people make cracks about someone's weight.  She was wrong to slap him.

  
  

  Can someone fill me in on the "legal to drink at a private function" thingy?  Is this a Canadian thing?

  Not sure.  

  
  

  In Louisiana a parent is allowed to give their minor child alcohol.   What happens is the parent can order the drink.  The bartender/server must hand the drink to the parent who can then give it to the minor.   A lot of national chains do not allow that, but it's completely legal.

  
  

  Even though it's legal doesn't mean the parents should exempt themselves from making sure the kid is drinking responsibly. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

  Report0 Reply
• novella1186 member

  

  January 2015

  lyndausvi said:

  kmmssg said:

  Your MOH pisses me off, and I get livid when people make cracks about someone's weight.  She was wrong to slap him.

  
  

  Can someone fill me in on the "legal to drink at a private function" thingy?  Is this a Canadian thing?

  Not sure.  

  
  

  In Louisiana a parent is allowed to give their minor child alcohol.   What happens is the parent can order the drink.  The bartender/server must hand the drink to the parent who can then give it to the minor.   A lot of national chains do not allow that, but it's completely legal.

  
  

  Even though it's legal doesn't mean the parents should exempt themselves from making sure the kid is drinking responsibly. 

  Just as a matter of caring, if anyone in my family hadn't eaten but then was drinking a ton I would want to at least make sure they were alright. I had a friend who got alcohol poisoning at a wedding and had to go to the ER via ambulance to get his stomach pumped. It was fucking scary. Taking two seconds to just make sure the person is alright and maybe hand them a glass of water isn't going to ruin your wedding day.
  

  

  Report0 Reply
• climbingsingle member

  

  January 2015

  I'm pretty sure I would have shown concern in all of these situations, regardless of what was going on that day.
  Your friend is grieving and feeling bad.
  Your step-son that is only 17 is drinking heavily.
  Your MOH slapped a relative.
  
  Do you live in opposite land?

  Report6 Reply
• ohannabelle member

  

  January 2015

  
  

  1: Wanted to apologize/explain. No big deal.

  2: Something a responsible parent or step parent should know. You did mean SS for stepson, I'm assuming. 

  3: Uncle is rude, Slappy is worse. 

  
  

  Meh. It's an imperfect world. 

  Report0 Reply