Wedding Etiquette Forum

What Your Guests Really Think of Your Honeymoon Registry...

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Re: What Your Guests Really Think of Your Honeymoon Registry...

  • I'm honestly glad my grandma brought it up to me. Whether I think it's rude or not, how offended she was would steer me away from that. I wouldn't ever want to offend a bunch of people I loved enough to invite to my wedding. I'm just excited to marry my man! We could do it in a Starbux with no gifts :D
    That would seriously be my mom's dream! She LOVES Starbucks coffee, drinks at least two grande Americanos a day, knows all the baristas who work at every Starbucks in town, and refuses to drink any other brand. In fact, I may have to see if we can sneak some Sbux in for her at the reception :)
    [Deleted User]
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I don't give cash, so if a couple just had a honeymoon registry and I wasn't close enough to them to feel comfortable picking out something without a registry I probably just wouldn't get them anything.  I hate feeling like I'm being forced to give cash. 



    MGPPrettyGirlLost
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    nicoann said:
    So is there ANY not tacky way to tell you're guests you don't need anything and you'd rather have a better honeymoon then another blender?


    We have the same issue.  We've been living together for nearly 5 years and don't really need any of the typical wedding gifts.  We are also doing a cruise wedding where guests are not allowed to bring gifts to the wedding, except for cards & cash... well, they could but it would be super inconvenient for everyone involved and we would have to pay a customs tax for all gifts received. :-o 

    So, here's what we put on registry page (last page) of our wedding website:

    First, we don't really need anything.  Just attending our wedding and celebrating with us, especially since it is destination wedding, or even sending out warm thoughts if you can't come is more than enough and greatly appreciated.

    If you really have money burning a hole in your pocket, we have been very fortunate in our lives and there are a lot of people not so lucky.  So, here are a list of charities that have personal meaning to us that you can make donation in our name.  Then we listed a couple charities we have checked out and love.  One is a cancer charity (FI had cancer several years ago), One is for spine disorders (which I suffer from), one is for Habitat for Humanity (which we volunteer with and support).  All charities we recommend had to provide at least 80% of donations to their cause, not overhead.

    Then for those that really want to buy us stuff, we have links to a few store registries, with instructions to please ship to our home prior to wedding.  We knew some people prefer to buy actual gifts, especially the older, more traditional people, so we struggled to find at least a few items in various price ranges to help those people out... mainly upgrades of items we use often. 

    I imagine that most people will just give us cash, but there may be some who donate to good causes or buy from our registries also.


    I'd be impressed if you gave the cash people sent you to a charity.

    First of all, on our website we have addresses & website links for them to donate directly to the charities, rather than giving us gifts directly.  

    Second, I never said I was donating ALL cash received to charity... we certainly could use it for helping with our wedding & honeymoon expenses.   FI and I are paying for everything ourselves... and although I consider us fortunate, we are far from wealthy and it is a struggle, even with our low budget wedding plans.  We also are trying to save up money to hopefully purchase a house in the near future, which monetary gifts would help with.

    And third, and I really hope I'm not the only one that would do this, but if people gave the cash to us and specified it to go to a charity, we would donate it... especially since these are charities we already donate our own money to anyway.

    image 

  • ashleyepashleyep member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited October 2013
    SP29 said:
    @clairekundinger

    A way to let guests know that you would prefer cash would be to create a small registry with only a few items (such as a blender ;) ) for those guests who always give a physical gift. But by looking at the registry, most guests will get the idea that you don't need much. 

    Otherwise, as said, if they ask, you can say you're saving up for a honeymoon.

    I was also pretty flabbergasted when I learned that HM don't actually give the B&G the item your purchased! Friends of ours had a HM registry with things like a couples massage, dinner, etc. When I first saw it, though I didn't contribute to it, it didn't bother me, as I realize lots of people treasure memories and want to create experiences with their new spouse. But I didn't realize until reading on these boards that the B&G don't actually get what you "paid" for (including the service fee). I'd rather give the B&G a cheque and tell them "it's for the HM". 
    I know some people on here have different opinions on them, but this is why I wouldn't actually mind if the registry was real excursions and things. If your resort offers a way for gifts to buy you something I wouldn't have a problem with it. They're not real registries, but providing a link to the Royal Caribbean page where people can purchase you a celebration package or whatever? Fine by me, but I hate the farce of honeymoon registry as they typically exist.
    Anniversary
  • If the honeymoon registry is through your resort or whatever, and instead of cash they physically give you what the gift giver paid for (massages, a nice meal, etc) without adding convenience fees to the experience, i think it's fine.  The main issue with HM registries is that Honeyfund and other such sites actually just give you a giant check (minus fees) so basically (a) you just asked for cash which is a no-no (b) you mislead your guests by letting them believe they were paying for you to have a fancy meal when in reality you just got cash and (c) forcing your guests to pay a fee to give you a gift (the percentage kept by Honeyfund) normally without their knowledge.

     

    In general, people who want to give physical gifts from a registry will only give physical gifts.  They won't contribute to a HM fund.  If you don't have a physical gift registry, they will just buy you whatever physical gift they think is appropriate.  The people that would consider a HM registry are generally people who otherwise would have just written you a check - and wouldn't you rather just have the check?  People know you want cash.  Some of them are just old-school and prefer to give an actual physical gift.  A HM registry isn't going to change any of that (other than to screw you with their processing fee).

    MGPcrunchymamaof2
  • Chipmunk415Chipmunk415 at the corner of Wine Ave. and Margarita Ln. member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    Big Bro and SIL went with Honeyfund for their Paris honeymoon (which has been pushed back "for a more convenient time and fewer tourists"- perhaps they didn't get as much money as they expected?)

    They didn't even bother putting in the options such as "tickets to the top of the Eiffel Tower," "Dinner at a Caberet Show," "flowers and champagne in the room on arrival" etc. No. They just have a spot to put in the amount of money you wanted to give, then clicky to choose if you were sending a check or giving cash in person. No, I'm not kidding. They did this.

    My folks were appalled when I explained what HoneyFund was. FI and I gave them Euros in small denominations (hey, you need small bills for cab fare, the random coffee and pastry, etc, right?) for as much as we could budget, and I used Google to translate our congratulatory message into French.

    Did eventually get the thank you note. Thanked us for attending and sharing the day. No mention of the gift or looking forward to using it in Paris.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • I'm honestly glad my grandma brought it up to me. Whether I think it's rude or not, how offended she was would steer me away from that. I wouldn't ever want to offend a bunch of people I loved enough to invite to my wedding. I'm just excited to marry my man! We could do it in a Starbux with no gifts :D
    I wish everyone had your attitude!
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited October 2013
    delujm0 said:

    If the honeymoon registry is through your resort or whatever, and instead of cash they physically give you what the gift giver paid for (massages, a nice meal, etc) without adding convenience fees to the experience, i think it's fine.  The main issue with HM registries is that Honeyfund and other such sites actually just give you a giant check (minus fees) so basically (a) you just asked for cash which is a no-no (b) you mislead your guests by letting them believe they were paying for you to have a fancy meal when in reality you just got cash and (c) forcing your guests to pay a fee to give you a gift (the percentage kept by Honeyfund) normally without their knowledge.

     

    In general, people who want to give physical gifts from a registry will only give physical gifts.  They won't contribute to a HM fund.  If you don't have a physical gift registry, they will just buy you whatever physical gift they think is appropriate.  The people that would consider a HM registry are generally people who otherwise would have just written you a check - and wouldn't you rather just have the check?  People know you want cash.  Some of them are just old-school and prefer to give an actual physical gift.  A HM registry isn't going to change any of that (other than to screw you with their processing fee).

    All of this!

    I would feel better (not OK, but better) about the HM registry concept if the couple actually received those services.  To me, it's just the same as getting them a gift card for a massage at a spa or dinner at a place at home.  And with gift cards those funds are designated for that particular service or establishment.  My biggest problem is that sites like Honeyfund just pass on the money minus fees.  And no matter how people want to argue it it's just the same as asking for cash, which is never acceptable.

    I fell victim to a Honeyfund gift one time where the couple ended up taking the money but not taking a honeymoon which totally left a bad taste in my mouth (I avoid seeing them at all costs now, in fact just declined a lunch invitation at their house today).  Personally I see the honeymoon as a wedding expense and feel it's inappropriate for guests to contribute towards those costs.  If I give a cash gift and the couple chooses to use it towards their wedding or honeymoon, that's their choice.  I can't control that.  But to attach strings to a cash gift - which is basically what a HM registry does - is very money grubbing to me.  Which is why now after learning my lesson I choose to not participate in supplementing the honeymoon in any way, give boxed gifts and call it a day.
  • Also, sometimes B&Gs will give the excuse "but it's so convenient and my guests WANT to give me money toward my honeymoon."

    Um, ok. I do not know one person in this world who would rather pay $100 so that the B&G get a $90 check ($10 going into Honeyfund's pockets) when they could just give the B&G $100 in cash or in a check with "romantic honeymoon dinner" written on the memo line. I literally do not know one person who prefers to give 10% to a middle man rather than the B&G.
    I also don't understand how Honeymoon funds make giving money easier. Giving money is pretty damn easy. If anything, these add complication to a very simple process.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    MGPcsuaveashleyepPrettyGirlLost
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Honefund has a "no fee" way of giving money.  Basically the guests of the couple "purchase" a gift and then just deposit the money for the gift into the bride and grooms paypal account.  There is no going through the middle man.  So then what is the purpose of the Honeyfund website?  I mean in the end the guests are just giving money to the couple (which they could do via cash or check in a card) so I don't really understand the point of HM registries.  Like, at all. 

  • Honefund has a "no fee" way of giving money.  Basically the guests of the couple "purchase" a gift and then just deposit the money for the gift into the bride and grooms paypal account.  There is no going through the middle man.  So then what is the purpose of the Honeyfund website?  I mean in the end the guests are just giving money to the couple (which they could do via cash or check in a card) so I don't really understand the point of HM registries.  Like, at all. 
    The point is that you can tell all your guests about the super awesome vacation you're going on. It facilitates AWing. And snowflakes love to AW.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    Liatris2010PrettyGirlLost
  • NYCBruin said:
    Honefund has a "no fee" way of giving money.  Basically the guests of the couple "purchase" a gift and then just deposit the money for the gift into the bride and grooms paypal account.  There is no going through the middle man.  So then what is the purpose of the Honeyfund website?  I mean in the end the guests are just giving money to the couple (which they could do via cash or check in a card) so I don't really understand the point of HM registries.  Like, at all. 
    The point is that you can tell all your guests about the super awesome vacation you're going on. It facilitates AWing. And snowflakes love to AW.
    And they're also making money off any marketing space they sell on their website. Why not just log onto your bank's website and have them send a check? Seems better to have fewer companies that have your financial info...
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • Just to be clear, there ARE honeymoon registries where the bride and groom do actually get what it is they registered for and not a check minus fees. I don't have a problem with any kind of honeymoon registry personally (though I don't get why someone would willingly register for something, knowing they'll have to fork over a percentage in fees), but I don't understand why anyone would have a problem with a registry where you do actually get that dinner on the beach or that snorkeling excursion.

    Which one?
    There are ones through travel agencies that do this. You plan everything with them, and people can pay directly into your actual plans. 
  • So is there ANY not tacky way to tell you're guests you don't need anything and you'd rather have a better honeymoon then another blender?
    Don't register for anything.  
  • Asking for cash is a little rude but cash registries help to avoid the embarrassing situations. With the help of honeymoon registry you can ask for gifts by placing your needs in the registry  and spread the word by wedding website. As I guest I always love to give cash s money matters more that fork and spoons. I think with the help of HM your guest will also feel nice as by their money gifts they are contributing in your honeymoon. I feel You can go for it.

  • ellif said:

    Asking for cash is a little rude but cash registries help to avoid the embarrassing situations. With the help of honeymoon registry you can ask for gifts by placing your needs in the registry  and spread the word by wedding website. As I guest I always love to give cash s money matters more that fork and spoons. I think with the help of HM your guest will also feel nice as by their money gifts they are contributing in your honeymoon. I feel You can go for it.


    ******

    Can't escape the box!

    The bolded makes no sense to me. Are you referring to the "embarrassing situations" of asking for cash? Because that is exactly what a honeymoon registry does.

    Also, you say that money matters more than a fork and a spoon, but really, I think that silverware is more important than going on a fancy vacation. 

    People never like being asked for money. It's tacky and doesn't make your guests feel "nice". It makes them feel awkward and like they have no choice but to contribute to your extravagant and wasteful vacation.


  • ellif said:

    Asking for cash is a little rude but cash registries help to avoid the embarrassing situations. With the help of honeymoon registry you can ask for gifts by placing your needs in the registry  and spread the word by wedding website. As I guest I always love to give cash s money matters more that fork and spoons. I think with the help of HM your guest will also feel nice as by their money gifts they are contributing in your honeymoon. I feel You can go for it.

    Cash registries create awkward situations.  They never, ever solve them.  This is bad advice.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    RebeccaB88crunchymamaof2
  • edited October 2013
    jenniferurs, I thought that once. I was wrong. There are no sites where no fee is charged for honeyfunds.. When they go through PayPal, PayPal takes the fee.

    We didn't register for anything. We didn't need anything that we could register for. We didn't have a shower. We got a lot of slack about it. We were told by parents that we "better come up with something". We racked our brain, couldn't think of anything. His mother physically yelled at me because she wanted us to have a shower to make sure my husband was "getting everything he was due". He didn't care about gifts.  We decided it was silly to register for the sake of getting extra gifts.

    We stuck by that and said "Well, we've been saving for our honeymoon and improvements to our home. It didn't really make sense to register for flooring and woodstoves and we didn't want to register for the sake of registering". 

    MIL was so pissed that actually told us that she was going to tell her family they are supposed to give us extra money because we didn't have a shower. I begged her not to. Either she didn't or people ignored her.  Im hoping she didn't.

    She wanted us to register for gift cards or honey fund, she said it would make it easier for her family. They don't care about etiquette. I do.

    ETA: didn't realize there was another page of posts before i wrote my first para)
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
  • Oh and my best man registered for 3 pieces of gym equipment, paint, dog beds, a tandem  bike... and wrote their registry info on the actual invitation.

    People were talking about it during the entire wedding.
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
    grumbledorerajahmdPrettyGirlLost
  • Oh and my best man registered for 3 pieces of gym equipment, paint, dog beds, a tandem  bike... and wrote their registry info on the actual invitation.

    People were talking about it during the entire wedding.
    A friend of ours registered for a bunch of board games, a Wii and some video games. Nothing for the kitchen/bathroom/bedroom. We gave cash, but apparently a bunch of their family members were up in arms about it.
  • Oh and my best man registered for 3 pieces of gym equipment, paint, dog beds, a tandem  bike... and wrote their registry info on the actual invitation.

    People were talking about it during the entire wedding.
    A friend of ours registered for a bunch of board games, a Wii and some video games. Nothing for the kitchen/bathroom/bedroom. We gave cash, but apparently a bunch of their family members were up in arms about it.
    see, even for gamers I judge that being the entire registry.  Their gamer friends will give them games.

    Funny story: My ex bought a ton of games and delivered them to the house the day of the bridal shower thinking he was being great by adding a coo gift....but he ruined the surprise that the bridal shower was that day when he showfed up. oops.
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
  • you ladies are ridiculous. I am setting up a honey moon fund for my daughter's shower and i think it is just fine. As if putting a registry is not asking for gifts any less because it is a department store. Or acting like it is a guideline not a request for gifts. Sure . Or better yet suggesting that you register and return the gifts afterword is a better option because that is not deceiving. You guys crack me up. A honeymoon registry is completely acceptable and I would rather know as a gift giver that my gift is something that is needed and wanted and not another dumb blender that they will regift. As long as they have all different amounts optioned ...it's fine
  • I responded here after reading through several of the same cry babying from people who are so outraged and offended as if people have showers and do not expect gifts, I know exactly what the registry is I just signed up my daughter and it is a better option than not putting anything on her invitation and have people buy her garbage. Every invitation to a shower comes with a bunch of registry cards because people are asking for gifts I think at this point that is a given to everyone except this group

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