not engaged looking at venues

futuremrslavender · January 2015

hey ladies my boyfriend and I have been together 4 years (in april) we've talked about marriage for a long time but situations/life (my dad had cancer, his apartment flooded and needed massive renovations) have put it on the back burner. Anyways I know he's gotten a ring and is paying for it at the moment, and very close to getting it i guess thats making me more anxious as well. We talked on monday about looking at venues even though we're not engaged yet, he's totally up for it he thinks its a good idea because things book up so quickly and we don't want to put it off another year (we're looking at getting married June 2016) and everyone is getting engaged right now. I'm happy to do it, but the other part of me wishes we were engaged already... i feel like it's taking forever. I feel like we've talked about it for so long we're at this point in our relationship where we know things are going to change but are not quite there yet so I feel in limbo right now. Anyways is looking at venues bad even though we know the engagement is coming?

Hummingbird125 · January 2015

Don't go look at venues before being engaged. Most people aren't completely surprised then they're proposed to - we all know, in general, that it's coming. You'll have plenty of time to plan your wedding AFTER you're officially engaged; however - you also don't need a ring to be "officially engaged". If you and your boyfriend have agreed to get married and you're both ready to start planning the wedding, then congrats! You're engaged. However, it sounds to me like he's willing to go look at venues with you because he DOES plan to marry you eventually, but isn't quite ready to yet (financially, emotionally, or what-have-you). Don't pressure him, just wait until he's ready in every way to marry you, and then it will be 10x more fun to go out and look at venues and do other WR things because you won't feel like you're faking it.

If he isn't able to pay of you're ring now, do you really think you guys are ready (financially) to start really planning a wedding? Venues, and every vendor for that matter, will want a deposit.

justbeingme93 · January 2015

futuremrslavender said:

hey ladies my boyfriend and I have been together 4 years (in april) we've talked about marriage for a long time but situations/life (my dad had cancer, his apartment flooded and needed massive renovations) have put it on the back burner. Anyways I know he's gotten a ring and is paying for it at the moment, and very close to getting it i guess thats making me more anxious as well. We talked on monday about looking at venues even though we're not engaged yet, he's totally up for it he thinks its a good idea because things book up so quickly and we don't want to put it off another year (we're looking at getting married June 2016) and everyone is getting engaged right now. I'm happy to do it, but the other part of me wishes we were engaged already... i feel like it's taking forever. I feel like we've talked about it for so long we're at this point in our relationship where we know things are going to change but are not quite there yet so I feel in limbo right now. Anyways is looking at venues bad even though we know the engagement is coming?

----

I agree with @Hummingbird125. I would wait to be officially engaged before you start looking at venues. Does that mean you need a ring to be official? No. You and your SO can be engaged without a ring, but that is up to the two of you to decide. Take your time! Enjoy every point in your relationship. It sounds like you will be engaged before you know it, so just ride out this last little bit and bask in the fact that you don't have to plan anything right now.

thespeshulestsnowflake · January 2015

futuremrslavender said:

hey ladies my boyfriend and I have been together 4 years (in april) we've talked about marriage for a long time but situations/life (my dad had cancer, his apartment flooded and needed massive renovations) have put it on the back burner. Anyways I know he's gotten a ring and is paying for it at the moment, and very close to getting it i guess thats making me more anxious as well. We talked on monday about looking at venues even though we're not engaged yet, he's totally up for it he thinks its a good idea because things book up so quickly and we don't want to put it off another year (we're looking at getting married June 2016) and everyone is getting engaged right now. I'm happy to do it, but the other part of me wishes we were engaged already... i feel like it's taking forever. I feel like we've talked about it for so long we're at this point in our relationship where we know things are going to change but are not quite there yet so I feel in limbo right now. Anyways is looking at venues bad even though we know the engagement is coming?

Wait until you are engaged. BTW a ring is not needed to be engaged, if you are both actively planning, you are engaged.

justbeingme93 · January 2015

futuremrslavender

Also, I suggest you check out this article: CLICK HERE. I have been with my SO for seven years, and I know a lot of ladies on here have felt like that "limbo" stage is never going to end. This article really puts it into perspective.

futuremrslavender · January 2015

Hummingbird125 he is able to pay off the ring. We've already started saving for our wedding we both have steady jobs. But when your home floods renovations take a president, when you get in to a car accident and total the car getting a new one is more important. When my dad is going through chemo getting engaged isn't on my mind.

speakeasy14 · January 2015

futuremrslavender said:

hey ladies my boyfriend and I have been together 4 years (in april) we've talked about marriage for a long time but situations/life (my dad had cancer, his apartment flooded and needed massive renovations) have put it on the back burner. Anyways I know he's gotten a ring and is paying for it at the moment, and very close to getting it i guess thats making me more anxious as well. We talked on monday about looking at venues even though we're not engaged yet, he's totally up for it he thinks its a good idea because things book up so quickly and we don't want to put it off another year (we're looking at getting married June 2016) and everyone is getting engaged right now. I'm happy to do it, but the other part of me wishes we were engaged already... i feel like it's taking forever. I feel like we've talked about it for so long we're at this point in our relationship where we know things are going to change but are not quite there yet so I feel in limbo right now. Anyways is looking at venues bad even though we know the engagement is coming?

Bad idea. Until you consider yourself engaged you should not be looking for venues, or doing any wedding planning. As others have said you do not need a ring to be engaged, but if you do not consider yourself engaged then stop all planning.

What you can do is look at places online to get an idea of costs so that you can start saving. There is no harm in starting to save now, but there is no reason to book things when you don't know when you will be getting engaged.

futuremrslavender · January 2015

thanks for the article justbeingme93. I also want to see the cost of things we're budgeting $15,000.00 for it. guh

I'm just frustrated

[Deleted User] · January 2015

futuremrslavender said:

Hummingbird125 he is able to pay off the ring. We've already started saving for our wedding we both have steady jobs. But when your home floods renovations take a president, when you get in to a car accident and total the car getting a new one is more important. When my dad is going through chemo getting engaged isn't on my mind.

I'm confused, if you're looking into venues and posting on a NEY forum then how is getting engaged not on your mind?

justbeingme93 · January 2015

speakeasy14 · January 2015

futuremrslavender said:

Hummingbird125 he is able to pay off the ring. We've already started saving for our wedding we both have steady jobs. But when your home floods renovations take a president, when you get in to a car accident and total the car getting a new one is more important. When my dad is going through chemo getting engaged isn't on my mind.

justbeingme93 said:

*Edited by admin for TOS violation*
___
futuremrslavender,

You posted this last month. Apparently, you have already decided you are engaged and are actively planning. So.....yeah. Please disregard my other comments.

I retract my statement.

futuremrslavender · January 2015

southernpeach89 my dad was going through chemo last year so getting engaged wasn't on my mind.

what is the problem then with looking at venues and getting an idea of the cost of things? i feel like if your with someone long enough you both know what direction your heading what is the problem with trying to get prepared?

[Deleted User] · January 2015

@futuremrslavender I'm sorry to hear about your father and what he is going through and also your apartment and car issues but those are all extremely expensive things to take care of. If I were in your situation I would hold off on wedding planning until I can take care of the priorities first and then once my SO and I have saved up enough to begin planning a wedding then I would proceed.

If your SO is comfortable with looking at venues with you and agreeing that you both are in a time in your relationship that you consider yourselves to be engaged then go for it. You don't need a ring. Prices change also so getting prepared right now for what you might think something will cost, could change.

futuremrslavender · January 2015

southernpeach89 all those things happened at the end of 2013 and ran into 2014. Right now we are in the right place, we've begun saving. again I just want to get an idea how much things are.

speakeasy14 · January 2015

@futuremrslavender disregarding your previous post where you posed a tier wedding, and considered yourself engaged....

There is a difference between looking to get an idea of how much you will need to save so you can start doing that now, and booking a venue because "things book up so quickly and we don't want to put it off another year (we're looking at getting married June 2016) and everyone is getting engaged right now" -- your words.

You either are engaged and currently planning, or you're not engaged and just getting your finances in order. There is no in between. Do your research online, then set up a budget with your significant other so that you have a general idea of how much you will need once you are ready to start planning a wedding.

GoldenPenguin · January 2015

futuremrslavender said:

hey ladies my boyfriend and I have been together 4 years (in april) we've talked about marriage for a long time but situations/life (my dad had cancer, his apartment flooded and needed massive renovations) have put it on the back burner. Anyways I know he's gotten a ring and is paying for it at the moment, and very close to getting it i guess thats making me more anxious as well. We talked on monday about looking at venues even though we're not engaged yet, he's totally up for it he thinks its a good idea because things book up so quickly and we don't want to put it off another year (we're looking at getting married June 2016) and everyone is getting engaged right now. I'm happy to do it, but the other part of me wishes we were engaged already... i feel like it's taking forever. I feel like we've talked about it for so long we're at this point in our relationship where we know things are going to change but are not quite there yet so I feel in limbo right now. Anyways is looking at venues bad even though we know the engagement is coming?

Bold #1: THIS is why you want to get engaged OMGRIGHTNOW.

Bold #2: Yes.

cu97tiger · January 2015

futuremrslavender said:

southernpeach89 my dad was going through chemo last year so getting engaged wasn't on my mind.

what is the problem then with looking at venues and getting an idea of the cost of things? i feel like if your with someone long enough you both know what direction your heading what is the problem with trying to get prepared?

The problem is that many people (mostly women) will use that as an excuse to pre-plan their wedding. That is why, almost to the very last one of us, posters on this board will tell you not to go look at venues until you are actually engaged. To reiterate what others have said, do not go look at venues if you are not engaged, but if you and your SO agree that you are engaged, even without the ring, then go for it. Or if you wanted to make a couple phone calls to see what prices are like? Go for it. But asking what dates they have available so that you can use the 'everything is booking up so fast, we have to put a deposit down right now or we won't get the date we want!' as an excuse? Don't do it.

Dignity100 · January 2015

From the time we ordered the ring, got engaged and told our families and really thought about it for a few minutes - I went from having a rustic/farm wedding (wanted Fall and it might be cold) to having a traditional ballroom wedding (FI's parents would want us to get married in a church and want it to look 'rich') to having an intimate Disney World wedding (what we decided suited us best). When we were just 'in talks' with having our wedding - we didn't put a whole lot of thought into it, when we were looking at venues we came to the conclusion that neither one of us liked being the center of attention and it wasn't really our style to have a HUGE wedding and invite relatives that we only see once a year at most. Basically - your "Wedding Style" can change after you start seriously considering it.

Guess what's going to happen next year around this time? You're going to realize everybody around you is engaged again. Many couples do get engaged around the holidays.

When you look at venues, you're going to need to have dates in mind... in order to have dates in mind you need to speak to your VIP guests; without being engaged that's a pretty odd conversation to have:

Person 1 "Hi VIP, we're looking at wedding venues and wanted to make sure a weekend in October would work for you"

VIP "Oh, I didn't know you were engaged! Congrats!"

Person 1 "Oh, we're not engaged yet, just shopping around for venues"

not engaged looking at venues

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