ugh it happened... VENT

JaniV123 · January 2015

yesterday I get a call from my dad to randomly ask me how many people he would be allowed to invite to the wedding, and if he could invite at least 6 people I don't know.

he hasnt contributed anything toward the wedding, he still owes me child support, and he has a very serious health condition.

FI and I are basically paying for the wedding ourselves, and my mom's family has contributed to certain things.

Fi and I, by ourselves, on our own, made the guest list WE wanted, we gave no one on either side a specific number of invites. I tell him we are on a tight budget and that the guest list has been finalized. He asks if he can bring a "date", he is single, and I said I could have to sit down and consult FI on wether or not we may be able to give him a plus 1 but then he still wants to push "6 more people who are close and important to your grandma" my thought is I DONT KNOW THESE PEOPLE!

UGH

lurkergirl · January 2015

I would let him have a plus one, but I would draw the line at the other people. Sure, it's nice for parents and grandparents when you can include their friends, but this is one of those rare instances where I feel like you're allowed to pull the "my day" card. You're paying for it, so the guest list for that day is totally up to you.

ETA: Obviously I mean all this within etiquette boundaries. Don't want anyone coming on here thinking I'm suggesting they don't need to invite SOs or something.

NowIAmSyp · January 2015

I agree... I would allow the +1, but leave it there.

Good luck!

JaniV123 · January 2015

lurkergirl said:

I would let him have a plus one, but I would draw the line at the other people. Sure, it's nice for parents and grandparents when you can include their friends, but this is one of those rare instances where I feel like you're allowed to pull the "my day" card. You're paying for it, so the guest list for that day is totally up to you.

yeah we are illing to give him a +1 without a problem but at least 6 people... wtf haha

he even threw the "let me know what the price pp is, maybe i can give you some money" -___-

thanks lurker

Gustafson28 · January 2015

Do not tell him the price! Just let him know you can accommodate one more person but 6 isn't doable.

JaniV123 · January 2015

Gustafson28 said:

Do not tell him the price! Just let him know you can accommodate one more person but 6 isn't doable.

oh definitely and if he keeps pushing to know or wtvr I will pull the "we are at the venues maximum" even if we are not.

blabla89 · January 2015

JaniV123 said:

lurkergirl said:

I would let him have a plus one, but I would draw the line at the other people. Sure, it's nice for parents and grandparents when you can include their friends, but this is one of those rare instances where I feel like you're allowed to pull the "my day" card. You're paying for it, so the guest list for that day is totally up to you.

yeah we are illing to give him a +1 without a problem but at least 6 people... wtf haha

he even threw the "let me know what the price pp is, maybe i can give you some money" -___-

thanks lurker

+1, okay. 6 people you've never even met, hell no, put your foot down.

loveislouder · January 2015

I have nothing helpful to offer, but am curious as to why your dad owes you child support.

pinkcow13 · January 2015

Hell no to the 6 randos!

lovegood90 · January 2015

I'd give him a plus one if you can swing it budget and space-wise. But as for the other 6 people? "The guest list has already been finalized." Lather, rinse, repeat.

levioosa · January 2015

Plus one? Sure, give it to him. Six randos? Um, no.

FiancB · January 2015

Even plus one is kind of weird to me. Like I feel all guests should be allowed to have one, but I'd feel weird about scrambling to find a date to my daughter's wedding. And I'd feel weird being the date to someone's kid's wedding.

But yeah I'd be fine with that but heck no to 6 other random people.

ShesSoCold · January 2015

loveislouder said:

I have nothing helpful to offer, but am curious as to why your dad owes you child support.

This. Wouldn't he owe your mother the child support? Aren't you an adult?

PrettyGirlLost · January 2015

loveislouder said:

I have nothing helpful to offer, but am curious as to why your dad owes you child support.

This is what I was wonder as well.

KatieinBkln · January 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

loveislouder said:

I have nothing helpful to offer, but am curious as to why your dad owes you child support.

This is what I was wonder as well.

The only way it makes sense to me is if her dad is/used to be her own children's legal guardian.

JaniV123 · January 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

loveislouder said:

I have nothing helpful to offer, but am curious as to why your dad owes you child support.

This is what I was wonder as well.

Its a long story, but the TL DR: the case was open in court when I became 21, and he asked for the debt to be put in my name so my mother could not have any kind of access to it. So in the end it was me against him in court until we put it on hold while he deals with his health and I am in medical school.

STARMOON44 · January 2015

I don't really see what him being in poor health has to do with anything, but no you don't have to invite 6 extra people.

theartistformerlyknownas · January 2015

JaniV123 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

loveislouder said:

I have nothing helpful to offer, but am curious as to why your dad owes you child support.

This is what I was wonder as well.

Its a long story, but the TL DR: the case was open in court when I became 21, and he asked for the debt to be put in my name so my mother could not have any kind of access to it. So in the end it was me against him in court until we put it on hold while he deals with his health and I am in medical school.

I don't see how a judge would agree to this. Your mom was the one who paid for your care/took on potential debt - not you. You don't have any claim to that money.

novella1186 · January 2015

ugh I'm sorry. Guest list issues have absolutely been the worst worst worst issue in our wedding planning, so I have tons of sympathy for you. My parents added 30 people. SOME of these people I know very well, and my parents are paying for the caterer, so I just let them do it because all the constant battles weren't worth it. But months later, long after it was finalized, my dad brought it back up and wanted to add MORE people (all of whom were total strangers to me) and when I said no, he threw an epic tantrum like a 3-year-old.

I feel like this is a common occurrence for most people planning weddings. But that doesn't make it less frustrating! I agree with PP, it would be nice to let your dad bring a +1, but NO to the 6 randos!

Just know that sooner or later the annoying guest list issue will be put to rest and you'll be able to move on from it! But I'm sorry you have to deal with it.

ShesSoCold · January 2015

lolo883 said:

JaniV123 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

loveislouder said:

I have nothing helpful to offer, but am curious as to why your dad owes you child support.

This is what I was wonder as well.

Its a long story, but the TL DR: the case was open in court when I became 21, and he asked for the debt to be put in my name so my mother could not have any kind of access to it. So in the end it was me against him in court until we put it on hold while he deals with his health and I am in medical school.

I don't see how a judge would agree to this. Your mom was the one who paid for your care/took on potential debt - not you. You don't have any claim to that money.

Yeah I agree. I'm no lawyer but this doesn't make sense to me. And really, the fact that OP is an adult would mean that she no longer requires child support. Regardless, it's totally irrelevant to wedding planning.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

PrettyGirlLost · January 2015

ShesSoCold said:

lolo883 said:

JaniV123 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

loveislouder said:

I have nothing helpful to offer, but am curious as to why your dad owes you child support.

This is what I was wonder as well.

Its a long story, but the TL DR: the case was open in court when I became 21, and he asked for the debt to be put in my name so my mother could not have any kind of access to it. So in the end it was me against him in court until we put it on hold while he deals with his health and I am in medical school.

I don't see how a judge would agree to this. Your mom was the one who paid for your care/took on potential debt - not you. You don't have any claim to that money.

Yeah I agree. I'm no lawyer but this doesn't make sense to me. And really, the fact that OP is an adult would mean that she no longer requires child support. Regardless, it's totally irrelevant to wedding planning.

Thanks for clarifying. . . but mentioning the child support issue was irrelevant to your wedding related issue anyways. Just seems like you really resent your Dad.

You are well within your rights to allow him as many guests as you and your FI deem fit/can afford- or none at all, even. Just gently tell him that he can have a +1 but unfortunately you cannot accommodate 5 additional guests and then bean dip him.

JaniV123 · January 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

ShesSoCold said:

lolo883 said:

JaniV123 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

loveislouder said:

I have nothing helpful to offer, but am curious as to why your dad owes you child support.

This is what I was wonder as well.

Its a long story, but the TL DR: the case was open in court when I became 21, and he asked for the debt to be put in my name so my mother could not have any kind of access to it. So in the end it was me against him in court until we put it on hold while he deals with his health and I am in medical school.

I don't see how a judge would agree to this. Your mom was the one who paid for your care/took on potential debt - not you. You don't have any claim to that money.

Yeah I agree. I'm no lawyer but this doesn't make sense to me. And really, the fact that OP is an adult would mean that she no longer requires child support. Regardless, it's totally irrelevant to wedding planning.

Thanks for clarifying. . . but mentioning the child support issue was irrelevant to your wedding related issue anyways. Just seems like you really resent your Dad.

You are well within your rights to allow him as many guests as you and your FI deem fit/can afford- or none at all, even. Just gently tell him that he can have a +1 but unfortunately you cannot accommodate 5 additional guests and then bean dip him.

I do have a bit of resentment but that is not why I mentioned it. I realize now its a bit out of context but I wrote it more for perspective than anything else. Considering all that, and he "would pay for the people" instead of using that money for his health or toward the debt.

Here in PR I believe its a little different, the money is the children's money BUT while the child is a minor its administered by the custodian parent. Here, after 18 years old you are still not legally emancipated until 21 years, that is when child support is discontinued UNLESS the person is still in school, for which you can request an extension up until you are done with your studies, at that time the money is given to the child/teenager/young adult. I didnt request it so child support was discontinued after I went to court for the first time after my 21st birthday.

Also, my mother was negligent in bringing him to court for over 10 years, which is when the debt accumulated. It wasnt until I was 19 that I made all of the motions necessary and prepped and supported my mother psychologically to go up against my dad once more. It was a battle for over 2 years and when I turned 21 since the case was open the case is transferred into my name if both parents are in agreement, plus my dad also requested it. He dislikes my mom and didn't want her to have the money either.

It has been a battle for almost 3 years this May. At this point in my life I dont care about the money even if I needed it, I care about his health.

theartistformerlyknownas · January 2015

That's interesting how different things are in PR; thanks for the explanation!

huskypuppy14 · January 2015

I have no first hand experience with child support, but I feel like read or heard about child support being directly given to the child if they are an appropriate age like 14 or 16 if the parent with custody isn't using it properly. Like if mom is using dad's child support to buy designer purses instead of school supplies or something like that.

I also know that my college roommate's dad (her parent's were divorced) was required to pay for her undergrad tuition (so she was older than 18). The money never went to her mom, it went directly to the school or my roommate, I don't remember the details. I know it did not go to her mom though, because she told me her mom wasn't happy about that.

ShesSoCold · January 2015

JaniV123 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

ShesSoCold said:

lolo883 said:

JaniV123 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

loveislouder said:

I have nothing helpful to offer, but am curious as to why your dad owes you child support.

This is what I was wonder as well.

Its a long story, but the TL DR: the case was open in court when I became 21, and he asked for the debt to be put in my name so my mother could not have any kind of access to it. So in the end it was me against him in court until we put it on hold while he deals with his health and I am in medical school.

I don't see how a judge would agree to this. Your mom was the one who paid for your care/took on potential debt - not you. You don't have any claim to that money.

Yeah I agree. I'm no lawyer but this doesn't make sense to me. And really, the fact that OP is an adult would mean that she no longer requires child support. Regardless, it's totally irrelevant to wedding planning.

Thanks for clarifying. . . but mentioning the child support issue was irrelevant to your wedding related issue anyways. Just seems like you really resent your Dad.

You are well within your rights to allow him as many guests as you and your FI deem fit/can afford- or none at all, even. Just gently tell him that he can have a +1 but unfortunately you cannot accommodate 5 additional guests and then bean dip him.

I do have a bit of resentment but that is not why I mentioned it. I realize now its a bit out of context but I wrote it more for perspective than anything else. Considering all that, and he "would pay for the people" instead of using that money for his health or toward the debt.

Here in PR I believe its a little different, the money is the children's money BUT while the child is a minor its administered by the custodian parent. Here, after 18 years old you are still not legally emancipated until 21 years, that is when child support is discontinued UNLESS the person is still in school, for which you can request an extension up until you are done with your studies, at that time the money is given to the child/teenager/young adult. I didnt request it so child support was discontinued after I went to court for the first time after my 21st birthday.

Also, my mother was negligent in bringing him to court for over 10 years, which is when the debt accumulated. It wasnt until I was 19 that I made all of the motions necessary and prepped and supported my mother psychologically to go up against my dad once more. It was a battle for over 2 years and when I turned 21 since the case was open the case is transferred into my name if both parents are in agreement, plus my dad also requested it. He dislikes my mom and didn't want her to have the money either.

It has been a battle for almost 3 years this May. At this point in my life I dont care about the money even if I needed it, I care about his health.

Yes, thank you for explaining and I apologize for my assumptions.

jenajjthr · January 2015

As a parent with kids who is getting child support, they also have arrearage. This is money that is due to for their support that ex did not pay and has accumulated. I don't know all the laws in my state, but I know that he does owe this money and I can collect on it above what he owes every month for normal child support. This is to help pay back the arrearage.

I only have one child over the age of 18, but I'm still getting the full amount plus. Most likely paying back the $10k in arrearage. In talks with other parents, I can collect on the arrearage past all my kids getting over the age of 18 because ex owes me the money for supporting our children during these years. I will have to look into that though.

Chipmunk415 · January 2015

Brief legal chime in from my memories of bar prep. Child support is for the child. Doesn't matter if mom has main custody or dad does. The money is supposed to be for the care and support of the kid and only for the kid (food clothes school supplies etc). Courts wont get into the minute arguments of how much should be spent on bread, milk, etc but they wont stand for a parent accepting child support and then none of it going to the support of the child.

Therefore I think op is well within her rights to get the back pay of support. Arguing her mother alone is entitled to the money is to confuse child support with alimony.

Getting off my legal soapbox now. :-)

JaniV123 · January 2015

@SheSoCold no worries, I didnt take it personally or anything. Its unusual because a lot of people tend to not do anything and/or can have different regulations depending on where they are. I made the TL DR post as I was running out for a medical appointment so I didnt have time to write the whole story.

theartistformerlyknownas · January 2015

@Chipmunk415‌ the argument wasn't that a child's mother (or caregiver a)should be able to spend the money however she wants, but that presumably she has already taken on the full expense of caring for the child, so the father (or caregiver b) is responsible for repaying his portion of the expense, no matter how old the child is/becomes. If the mother agrees "whatever, it's in the past, give kid the money now" that's a different story.

rockin30ish · January 2015

I'm gonna bring this back to the main topic, because I don't know about the legalities of the rest of this.

Dad +1, fine. Another 6 people?!?!?! Uh, no. And like you said, you can cite that you are at the venue's max. Or just say that you aren't going to invite people you don't know. Isn't there a diagram/flowchart on the interwebs somewhere that explains that? I swear I saw one before.

ugh it happened... VENT

Re: ugh it happened... VENT

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