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Preparing the groom

katelyn0310katelyn0310 member
Third Anniversary First Comment
in Chit Chat
Hello fellow bride-to-bes! I'm getting married in April 2015 and am starting to freak out a little bit about different things, but one of them is concerning getting the groom wedding-ready. I don't know how to phrase this without sounding like a bridezilla so bear with me please. Over the last year or so I've worked really hard to lose weight and get in shape, especially since we got engaged. I've lost about 45 lbs and would even like to maybe lose 5-10 more before the big day. My fiancé has always been super supportive of me and never told me that I was too big or should lose any weight when I was over 200 lbs, and during my weight loss journey he's been great at supporting my healthy habits. But as I've been losing weight, he has started gaining weight over the last 3 months. He's in the military so we're doing the long distance thing and I'm not there to help him in person, but I've mentioned today maybe he should start trying eat better or go to the gym more, but I don't want to nag on him too hard. Obviously I'll love him no matter what weight he's at, but our wedding day is fast approaching and I'm doing my darndest to look my best and I wish he would do the same. I even stated once that I just don't want him to hate all the pictures from our wedding day and he's comeback was "well I'm fine with how I look" - which is great, but after the wedding when he loses the weight I don't want him to look at them and be disappointed....

So long story, how can I help convince my fiancé to work on getting his weight in check in and losing 10-20 lbs without sounding unsupportive. Also hoping to whiten his teeth a little bit! How can I phrase it?

Any advice would be appreciated!
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Re: Preparing the groom

  • dolewhipperdolewhipper member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    "Honey, you're getting fat and your teeth are yellow. Can you fix this pls? kthxbi."

    Seriously, my Fi has been gaining weight since I met him. I as well. That's great that you're looking to get more healthy; I'm always a huge supporter of that. But if he is relatively healthy, then all you're doing is sounding superficial.

    What if 5 years down the line he gains a TON of weight? Would you divorce him? Of course you wouldn't. You would accept him. So, accept him and move on.

    As I stated before, my Fi was gaining weight but you couldn't really tell too much. However, blood work showed that he had pre-hypertension, which runs in his family. Something like that which could be directly related to his eating and working out habits is stupid to allow to happen since it's in his control. I explained how it made me feel, and he started eating better and working out a little bit more.

    But my story is not about because I want him to "look good on his wedding day". He already looks good. I think he's the sexiest m-fer on this planet. And although I grew up with an insanely superficial mother (think toddlers and tiaras) and had an eating disorder in my teens, he could be 400 pounds and I'll still think he's sexy.


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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Well, just strap him to a treadmill once a day. And only keep fruits and vegetables in the house. And while he's sleeping at night, put some Crest white strips on his teeth. 

    Seriously, put the shoe on the other foot. How would you feel if your FI told you that you needed to lose weight for the wedding. And while you're at it, you should whiten your teeth, because DAMN THEY ARE YELLOW GIRL!! 

    He's telling you he's fine with how he looks. I think you should let this go. 
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  • lurkergirllurkergirl member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Why would you want him to change his looks when he's told you he's happy with them?  Buy some new toothpaste.  Geez.




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  • bride2b71614bride2b71614 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Umm wow. If you truly love him at any weight, this shouldn't be an issue. The fact that you said "I just don't want you to hate all the pictures on our wedding day" is insulting in itself, especially if he responded with I'm fine with the way I look. You aren't coming from a place of concern for his health you just want him to look good for your wedding album, which is more of an aesthetic issue.

    Also teeth whitening? Really? Is he deployed? If so, white strips and whitening toothpaste are hard to come by. Maybe you should spend more time examining why it's important for your FI to look great in the wedding photos and less time on trying to change his physical appearance.
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  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    My FI and I are both super lazy people. When we first started dating, our weights ballooned because we were such bad influences on each other. 

    When we got engaged, I started losing weight for the wedding. He did too, to a lesser extent.

    But as we've been going through the engagement process and the process of buying a house, talking about kids, and the rest, I've noticed something about FI. He gets really, really nervous talking about the future, because my family has a history of serious medical problems. He makes me promise not die and leave him alone with the kids, which is what happened to my mother. We both sort of came to the realization that with all these plans we have, this life we want to lead together, we want to make it as long as possible and be there together as long as possible. That's really spurred our weight loss. We go for 5 mile walks every night that the weather's decent, have swapped out grains for veggies, etc. We're both doing very well, but we're focusing on sustaining. Will we look great in our pictures? Yeah. Will we also be healthier, so we can live a longer life together? Yeah.

    If you want to get (and stay!) on the healthy train, find activities to do together. Our nightly walks have really become the highlight of the day for both of us, we get so much more talking and quality time together through those. It shouldn't be about the pictures. It should be about life. 

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
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  • maeday2maeday2 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    In the nicest way possible, life is going to screw you hard if you think this is an issue. 

    To make a change of any sort, a person has to personally want the change. Losing weight sounds like YOUR goal, not his. Leave him alone. 
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  • katelyn0310katelyn0310 member
    Third Anniversary First Comment
    This escalated very quickly. I'm sorry I didn't convey my feelings as well as I could have.
    I'll love him no matter his weight, color of his teeth or what have you. And my title "preparing the groom" wasn't meant to sound like I'm preparing a prop. The brides seem to do a zillion things to prepare themselves for the wedding day and I was just wondering what types of things/advice others had about helping your groom get ready for the big day and the rest of your life. 

    I know the day isn't about the pictures - its about starting our lives together. But it is a huge occasion and I know pictures will be around forever and I've had big accomplishments in my past that were photographed and all I can think about is how unhealthy I was. 

    Being long-distance right now makes it hard to do things together like go to the gym or make dinner together, although I can't wait to start doing things like that and become a healthy and active couple. 

    I'm really not a bitch - far from it - but obviously I can't voice my concerns right, which is why I tried bringing it up on here before trying to address it with him again. 
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  • maeday2maeday2 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    katelyn0310 said:
    This escalated very quickly. I'm sorry I didn't convey my feelings as well as I could have.
    I'll love him no matter his weight, color of his teeth or what have you. And my title "preparing the groom" wasn't meant to sound like I'm preparing a prop. The brides seem to do a zillion things to prepare themselves for the wedding day and I was just wondering what types of things/advice others had about helping your groom get ready for the big day and the rest of your life. 

    I know the day isn't about the pictures - its about starting our lives together. But it is a huge occasion and I know pictures will be around forever and I've had big accomplishments in my past that were photographed and all I can think about is how unhealthy I was. 

    Being long-distance right now makes it hard to do things together like go to the gym or make dinner together, although I can't wait to start doing things like that and become a healthy and active couple. 

    I'm really not a bitch - far from it - but obviously I can't voice my concerns right, which is why I tried bringing it up on here before trying to address it with him again. 
    If making changes to prepare yourself for your wedding day makes you happy, that is awesome. But you can't dictate his appearance anymore than you can dictate the weather on your wedding day. 

    I get wanting to be the best version of yourself. If he's happy, THAT will show in your pictures. He's marrying you and that's what's important. 
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  • dolewhipperdolewhipper member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    katelyn0310 said:
    This escalated very quickly. I'm sorry I didn't convey my feelings as well as I could have.
    I'll love him no matter his weight, color of his teeth or what have you. And my title "preparing the groom" wasn't meant to sound like I'm preparing a prop. The brides seem to do a zillion things to prepare themselves for the wedding day and I was just wondering what types of things/advice others had about helping your groom get ready for the big day and the rest of your life. 

    I know the day isn't about the pictures - its about starting our lives together. But it is a huge occasion and I know pictures will be around forever and I've had big accomplishments in my past that were photographed and all I can think about is how unhealthy I was. 

    Being long-distance right now makes it hard to do things together like go to the gym or make dinner together, although I can't wait to start doing things like that and become a healthy and active couple. 

    I'm really not a bitch - far from it - but obviously I can't voice my concerns right, which is why I tried bringing it up on here before trying to address it with him again. 
    OP remember, this is a day that YOU have been dreaming about your whole life, possibly not your Fi. He already told you he is fine with how he looks now, and you need to take him seriously and embrace it.

    Just as the saying goes, a woman become a mother when she finds out she's pregnant, a man becomes a father when he holds his child, sometimes people don't really understand until the day is finally here. Stop stressing about looks and focus on things like your vows. I have found that since working on our vows the wedding has become much more "real" to my Fi, and he is helping me with the DIY and other stupid wedding things that stress me out. And something that you care about but I don't really care, he actually went out and bought crest white strips and wants to stop drinking things that stain his teeth  ;)


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  • flutteringinflflutteringinfl member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    katelyn0310 said:
    This escalated very quickly. I'm sorry I didn't convey my feelings as well as I could have.
    I'll love him no matter his weight, color of his teeth or what have you. And my title "preparing the groom" wasn't meant to sound like I'm preparing a prop. The brides seem to do a zillion things to prepare themselves for the wedding day and I was just wondering what types of things/advice others had about helping your groom get ready for the big day and the rest of your life. 

    I know the day isn't about the pictures - its about starting our lives together. But it is a huge occasion and I know pictures will be around forever and I've had big accomplishments in my past that were photographed and all I can think about is how unhealthy I was. 

    Being long-distance right now makes it hard to do things together like go to the gym or make dinner together, although I can't wait to start doing things like that and become a healthy and active couple. 

    I'm really not a bitch - far from it - but obviously I can't voice my concerns right, which is why I tried bringing it up on here before trying to address it with him again. 
    The thing is, you can't force him to do anything, and as much as you're looking forward to becoming a healthy and active couple, you may have to square with the reality that he will not be interested in that himself and decide if you can accept that.

    Last year I signed up for a 10k, and my FI decided he wanted to sign up too. We both agreed that we would start training, but I was really the only one who did it. The race is next month and he's indicated he probably won't be ready in time. I'm sad for him, as he's already paid for it and can't get the money back, but I also know him well enough to know that if he wants to do something, he will, and if he doesn't, he won't. He's an adult, and there's nothing I can do to force him. If it was really super important to me that he do this with me, instead of trying to think of ways to convince him, I might have to decide if I was willing to accept that getting in shape is more important to me than it is to him. Luckily, I accept that just fine.

    Also remember that society puts a lot more pressure on us brides to "get ready" for the big day than it does on grooms, but that doesn't mean you have to do those things.
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  • ashley8918ashley8918 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    UM, NO.

    Imagine how you would feel if he was essentially telling you that you were too fat to get married. Because that is exactly what you are saying here. I would be seriously reconsidering my marriage if my now husband had said that to me. He told you that HE IS FINE WITH HOW HE LOOKS, and you need to be too. Jesus Christ.
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  • emmaaaemmaaa mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    Wow. Just no.

    I actually gained weight before my wedding and H and I did nothing to lose weight leading up. I think you should prepare your heart before going into this.

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  • morewinepleasemorewineplease member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2015
    How would you feel if he came up to you, even in the nicest way and said Sweetie I love you but your fat and I really need you to look better so these pictures are not shameful in a few years. 

    You want people to give you a nice way to say this, but there is not one because it is not nice. If he is getting unhealthy then a discussion about eating healthier to control diabetes, blood pressure etc. would be fine but not; Hey I am going to look better and you should too.
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  • ashley8918ashley8918 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    STARMOON44 said:
    So when you were fat, he just loved you. And now that you're thin, you want to improve him. I actually think the responses you've gotten have been really nice considering how horrible that is.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    You've tried to address it and his response is that he's fine with how he looks, so that's it - leave it at that. If you continue to bring it up you will be nagging him which will make him feel resentful and hurt. 

    You can't motivate others to lose weight - it has to come from themselves. It's one thing if he were to come to you and say he'd like to get in shape; then you can offer your support and encouragement by exercising with him, having healthy meals together, both cutting out alcohol etc. But telling him that you want him to lose weight - especially just because you want him to look good for one day, and not because he has a concerning health issue - is very hurtful and will only make him feel like you're dissatisfied and disappointed in him.

    And there's really no way to "nicely" tell someone that their teeth need to be whitened. 
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  • ohannabelleohannabelle member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    There is no nice way to tell someone to lose weight and improve their looks.

     It's all very well and good to say, "this is about health," but that's just not the truth, or the wedding and pictures wouldn't have even been mentioned. And they are mentioned, repeatedly. You even told him " that I just don't want him to hate all the pictures from our wedding day." 
    So, no, this is definitely not about health concerns. To borrow an old grandpa expression, don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining.

    He's already given you your answer. He's fine with the way he looks.

    If you bring it up again, you're nagging and being unkind and really hurtful. If someone told me to lose weight and whiten my teeth so I didn't "hate my pictures," I would be wounded. As in, hurt enough to cry. Because that's a not very subtle way of saying, I don't like the way you look and I will hate your pictures. You can dress it up and say you were afraid he might feel that, but nope. It didn't occur to him, it was your thought. So there's that expression again.  

    A million times no. 
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  • luckya23luckya23 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer

    Both FI and I meant to use our engagement to get serious about losing weight... Oops, where did the last 7 months go??

    FI is a big guy and even if he had taken the whole year, I don't think he's built or genetically coded to be a slim guy. 

    I keep trying to remember that nobody cares about our wedding photos besides us (me).  We're not planning a wedding to post on pinterest or to put in a magazine.  Looking like our hopefully blissfully happy selves (with my fancy sparkly dress!!) needs to be enough, and realizing that the perfectly set tables you always see in decor spreads last about 2 minutes after guests arrive.

    One way that I wish we had more time to "prepare the groom" (ok, and the bride) is to be more natural with taking photos.  I think that will help more than looking like people you are not normally (skinny) in your wedding photos.  Have you taken engagement photos?  How did they come out?

    Oh, and I did tell FI he should go to the dentist before the wedding for the first time in years - - and his parents own a dental office!!!  I'm secretly hoping they offer me the whitening, though it would be totally weird to have my in-laws taking a close look in my mouth ;-)

     

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  • cupcait927cupcait927 member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    I think you've gotten very good advice fro PPs, considering your topic. I just wanted to add that my H desperately wanted to lose weight and get trim for our wedding. He's super into working out and running marathons but had let himself go a little in the 6 months before the wedding. He still wasn't where he wanted to be on our wedding day but guess what - he didn't care. When we got our pictures back there wasn't a peep out of him about wishing he looked better or had lost more weight. He was just so happy to see how wonderful we looked on our wedding day and how happy everyone was. So don't assume that he'll be unhappy later on if he doesn't attain your vision of how he should look that day.

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  • jacques27jacques27 member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Nope.  Nope nope nope.  There is no way to say it without being a bridezilla because that's exactly what it is.  Worse than that (whereas bridezilla can perhaps be amount to temporary stress-induced insanity), you come off as someone extremely superficial.  Superficial and controlling.

    OP, how many times in your life did you try to lose weight?  How many of those times were you successful?  Because I'm going to guess you're like most overweight people and this wasn't your first attempt.  I'm also going to guess that unless you come from Walton's Mountain that at some point in your life someone has tried to make comments to you about how you would feel a little better if you lost some weight, or would look better.  How did that make you feel?  Did that really motivate you and get you to lose weight?  And if you've never had that experience, then you should consider yourself the luckiest person on the planet and I'll clue you in - it makes you feel like complete and utter shit.  Why, oh why, would you do that to another person?  Why would you do that to someone you love?

    Motivation comes from within.  It's great that the wedding is your motivation, but maybe it's not his.  His body, his decision.  You just worry about your own.

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  • larrygagalarrygaga member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    How you would  feel if he said this to you? I'm sure you would not be okay with it. You would probably cry and post about it in this thread, and we would all tell you to reevaluate your relationship with him before getting married. Why? Because a husband and wife are supposed to accept each other's flaws. 

    If he is happy with himself don't you dare tell him he needs to change. This is a you problem. You need to adjust your attitude, he doesn't need to adjust his weight. 
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  • maeday2maeday2 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    To be honest, your FI sounds like a total badass to put on some extra weight and still be happy with himself. That is so fucking awesome. I wish I had that kind of confidence. 

    I hope your comments didn't poke any holes in his confidence. 


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  • larrygagalarrygaga member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited January 2015
    I want to add that when you say women do a zillion things to prep themselves, that's only because they want to. 

    I also want to add that 10-20 pounds isn't even that much for a man. That's how much FI fluctuates and he is fit.  
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  • emmaaaemmaaa mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    Yeah my H is a big guy. He has been ever since I have known him (we were 4 years old). At one point he went on a strict diet when he wanted to join the Navy (ended up being denied due to shoulder surgery) and lost a lot of weight and got really skinny (for him). It was so weird to me for him to be that small and he was basically starving himself. 

    I want H to be health and that means exercising and eating healthy, which he does, he is just a big guy. We talked before about staying healthy and being in shape for when we have kids. We want to set a good example for them and be healthy enough to live a long life with them and grandkids and run around with them. 

    It sounds like your FI gaining 30 pounds is not detrimental to his health and makes you sound superficial and judgey. 

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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    MagicInk said:
    The title of this thread made me think about preparing the groom to like...cook and eat him. Like prepare the meat. Prepare the groom. 

    I was a bride. I did not diet, whiten my teeth, set a goal weight, work out everyday, live on celery, get lipo, get my fat frozen, get botox or anything else I have been told by the wedding industrial complex I must do to look good on my wedding day. Cause bitch I'm already fabulous. 

    There is nothing your groom, or you, must do prior to the wedding to prepare for the wedding regarding how you look. Your future husband is happy with the way he looks. Good for him. Either you live with that or you need to reconsider marriage.
    I thought the exact same thing as the bolded. 

    My FI isn't doing anything to prepare. He tries to occasionally work out to stay in shape, but that has nothing to do with the wedding. He asked if I wanted him to shave off his beard for our wedding day, and I told him I don't care; whatever he wants to look like, I just want him to feel comfortable and feel like he looks good. Whatever he wants to wear, it's up to him. I'm not going to dictate his appearance or what he does with his body because he's an adult and can make those decisions for himself, and because it's HIS wedding day too and he should get to decide how he looks. 

    That's great that you want to lose weight and get healthy, OP. That's YOUR decision for YOUR body. Let your FI make his own decisions. Don't tell him to lose weight. That's incredibly hurtful.  
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  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The only thing I did to "prepare" for my wedding was take a shower and shave my armpits. The photographer got a shot of DH shaving before putting on his suit. He also got a haircut a week beforehand. I can't remember the last time I worked out, and I wasn't about to starve myself for the sake of one day. Hell, I stopped coloring my hair right after I got engaged. If DH had a problem with how I looked, then I was choosing the wrong person to marry. The same goes for him - I gave no fucks about how much he weighed, what his hair looked like, etc. - I was just excited to marry him.
    ~*~*~*~*~

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