Ok how do you all feel about this?

Re: Ok how do you all feel about this?

• larrygaga member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  Nobody can make this choice for you. In my opinion, if it isn't an easy and automatic yes, than you should tell him you want to think about it. Marriage is a big, big, big, big commitment. Have you lived together? Have you talked about having children or not? Are you understanding of each other's finances? Have you talked about career goals? Where do you want to live? Have your parents met him? Have you met his parents?

  
  

  It seems very sudden, although there are brides here who have been happy even though they committed very quickly.  I don't think rushing into it is a good idea, but if you know it's right for you than you know it's right for you. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• NYCMercedes member

  

  January 2015

  CaliRed said:

  Hello,

  I was engaged March 2014 I was supposed to get married 12-13-14.  Well he broke it off. Yes I was very upset and stayed depressed a bit got out of my depression and finally went on a date in October we talked everyday for hours the chemistry is through the roof. Fast forward to today he says he wants to marry me. He says he will go to the court house or a big wedding what ever I want. I don't know how to feel because I have strong feelings for him but I am nervous as heck!!!! I'm tired of being left hanging!!!!

  Ok this may not be on the right thread or I don't know I'm still fairly new.

  All opinions are appreciated.

  
  Only you know if you're in love with him. Does your pastor offer premarital counseling where you and he can examine your relationship? Btw, congratulations.

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  Sorry to hear of your troubles this past year.

  
  

  Honestly I would have to go to counseling first.   Canceling a wedding is as big of a decision is getting married.   I'm not sure I could jump back in to getting married to someone who broke up with me and then only a few months later wanted to marry me.  

  
  

  Not saying I couldn't still marry them, but I would need more than a few months to make sure they really wanted to get married.

  
  

  
  

  ETA - because i'm stupid and can't read.  And sadly, sober when I typed this.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• larrygaga member

  

  January 2015

  lyndausvi I think the new guy is a different person

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• Couggal12 member

  

  January 2015

  Only you can decided what is truly right for you. My personal opinion is I think it's really quick to get married. However, that's my opinion as an internet stranger. Have you talked with your SO about your money/finance situation? What your life goals are in a year? In 5 years? In 15 years? These are things I think you need to seriously consider before you decide if you want a small wedding or a large wedding. 

  

  
  

  
  

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  January 2015

  larrygaga said:

  lyndausvi I think the new guy is a different person

  Ha and I haven't even started drinking yet.

  
  

  DH and I got engaged very quickly because it felt right.  You didn't say yes right away so I'm going to say you need more time.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• mrsdee15 member

  

  January 2015

  Some people do get engaged/start living together or whathaveyou quickly, and it works out great.  The thing that caught my attention in your post, though, is that you're saying how nervous you are.  That makes me wonder whether you really want to be in that kind of relationship so quickly, and/or are unsure about this guy.  Either way, if you're worried, my advice would be to say you want more time.  Have you both talked about what you want for the future, how you would handle major issues like finances, and so forth?

  

  
  

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• larrygaga member

  

  January 2015

  Yeah if he loves you enough to marry you he will wait for you to be ready. I say keep on trucking along the dating scene. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• CaliRed member

  

  January 2015

  @larrygaga I sincerely appreciate your in depth response. No we have not lived together as he does not want to live in sin.  Yes we talked about children in depth I have always said no more (I have 1 and I am a single mother) but he has none he is such a sweet guy how could I deprive him of the opportunity to become a father if we married. so I said yes to one more.  Yes we are very understanding of finances we also talked about career goals.

  All in all I think you are correct in saying its not good to rush things. but I feel in my heart its right for me. I have prayed and prayed and asked he Lord if its not for me take it out so .. that's where the confusion lies.

  
  

  NYCMercedes  yes our pastor offers pre marital counseling and we are definitely going to go I am nervous about that as well.

  
  

  lyndausvi lol totally not your fault I did not realize I omitted an important fact until I read your response so exactly how quickly did you get engaged and how soon was the wedding after?

  
  

  Couggal12 you give great advice as these are definitely things we need to revisit

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• CaliRed member

  

  January 2015

  hi! @mrsdee15  I say I am extremely nervous because I am tired of the let down not unsure of him moreso, I am scared my apprehensions might scare him away

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• chibiyui member

  

  January 2015

  Yeah, Maybe slow the roll a bit on this. 
  
  If your engagment was broken off sometime between March-October, and then in October you meant this dude, you've got less then a year since your previous engagement and less then 6 months with this dude. That isn't to say it's not going to work out, but make sure you're taking care of you, and not just rebounding 
  
  And if this new guy is sincere and right for you he'll wait. God will understand. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

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• larrygaga member

  

  January 2015

  Like we have all said, you should know. It should be an easy answer. If you don't plan on living together before marriage, which I think is totally fine, just keep in mind that you will see a whole different side of a person when you live with them. Whether it's an agreeable side, I don't know. 

  
  

  You look young in your picture, why rush? 

  
  

  If you already have a child, have you considered what this change will mean for your child?

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• mrsdee15 member

  

  January 2015

  CaliRed said:

  hi! @mrsdee15  I say I am extremely nervous because I am tired of the let down not unsure of him moreso, I am scared my apprehensions might scare him away

  Hi!  That's understandable.  As long as you are open and communicate with him about apprehensions, I wouldn't expect any such worries would scare him away, assuming he's aware of what happened prior to his dating you.  

  

  
  

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• jenna8984 member

  

  January 2015

  If you had said that you were head over heels in love with him and every aspect of your lives matches up perfectly and you can't imagine your life without him, then I'd say it's quick but it can work. But you didn't say those things- you said you have "strong feelings for him". To me, that is not enough for marriage at this point. 

                                                                   

  
  

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• lc07 member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  CaliRed said:

  Hello,

  I was engaged March 2014 I was supposed to get married 12-13-14.  Well he broke it off. Yes I was very upset and stayed depressed a bit got out of my depression and finally went on a date with a new guy in October we talked everyday for hours the chemistry is through the roof. Fast forward to today he says he wants to marry me. He says he will go to the court house or a big wedding what ever I want. I don't know how to feel because I have strong feelings for him but I am nervous as heck!!!! I'm tired of being left hanging!!!! I asked him why the rush he says because he does not want to live in sin and it is what the Lord would want him to do.

  I appreciate all the responses as I cannot talk to my friends about this they would just say I'm stupid for even considering or dating so fast.

  Ok this may not be on the right thread or I don't know I'm still fairly new.

  All opinions are appreciated.

  I think this is the wrong answer to the question you asked. Wanting to move in with someone or wanting to have sex with someone (those are my two possible assumptions about his meaning to "living in sin") are not good enough reasons to marry someone. 

  
  

  I don't think there is a set time frame, though, to meet someone and then marry them. Everyone is different. (ETA: some people meet and then marry very quickly. That's great! The difference is that they are ready and do not feel rushed.)

  
  

  Also, the fact that you are unsure about marriage right now is perfectly okay and I think it's great that you are talking about being unsure. It doesn't mean he's any less amazing or your relationship is going nowhere. It just means you aren't ready. You also said you feel rushed. So, based on your OP I would just continue to date at this point. 

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• BrandNewJ member

  

  January 2015

  I agree with other PPs. If you're not 100% certain, it seems like your answer should be no now until you feel ready for a lifelong commitment. If he wants to spend his life with you then he shouldn't be pushy about when it happens. It should be on your schedule when you feel emotionally prepared. If waiting until you're ready pushes him away, then I hate to say it, but maybe he's not the right guy. The right man will wait until you are ready.

  
  

   Might I suggest seeing your priest for individual counseling for a session to work our some issues you might feel towards the last man who broke off the engagement. That could be influencing your feelings without you even knowing it.

  

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  January 2015

  DH is a special snowflake, his idea of when we got engaged and mine are different. 

  
  

  Backstory (long) on the the 3rd day he said he was going to marry me.   We pretty much lived together right away (although he had just signed a new lease and I owned my own place).  3 months later he was telling me he was going to asked me to marry him in  July.  By the time July came around I already designed my ring from a diamond MIL send down 2 months into our relationship. I started on the knot and began looking at venues online.   

  
  

  So I say it was 3 months in, he will say 7 months because that is when he met my parents (he was obsessed in meeting my parents before saying we were engaged.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• HaileyDancingbear member

  

  January 2015

  No.  If you're this unsure now, it could only get worse as you get closer to the wedding.  Also, his excuse is terrible.  Sorry, I respect his right to believe what he wants, but marrying you should be something he wants to do because he truly cares and wants to spend the rest of his life together.  Not because he thinks he is now obligated to or else he's bad (BTW Jesus was buddies with a prostitute.  I seriously doubt shaming people for their sexuality is at all what he would have wanted)

  
  

  I would say no a million times to the dude.  Nothing about your OP gives me any reason to think saying yes would be a good idea, especially not your tone- I feel like if marrying him was something you really wanted, it would have at least come across a bit in the way you wrote about the situation.

  
  

  SAY NO. 

  

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  "Not wanting to live in sin" is not a reason to get married. PPs have outlined some of the things that are good reasons... those can come to light in any length of time, but it doesn't sound like they have just yet for you. I would wait it out, grow together, get to know his family, see how he reacts to major stress, make future plans. If it's "right" now, it'll still be right in a year or two, and he will respect the wait.
  
  You need to figure out for yourself what will make YOU happy in terms of marriage and more children, and see if he's the person who fits the bill. There are many things that couples should compromise on - major life decisions aren't one of them. Save that for decisions like bedding colors.

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• AddieCake member

  

  January 2015

  I agree that if you have to think about it, you are not ready to say yes.

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  January 2015

  Plenty of people do not live together because they don't want to live in sin.  Plenty of people do not have sex before marriage because it's a sin.    I totally respect those views even though I didn't follow them myself.

  
  

  Getting married quickly so you do not live in sin is NOT a good reason in my opinion.   The fact you posted this make me feel like you are not ready.

  
  

  Good luck. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• luckya23 member

  

  January 2015

  I knew that I would marry FI within 3 weeks, and he knew within a few months.  He also didn't want to "live in sin," so he simply kept his own apartment, and I had a roommate.  He ordered my ring right after our first anniversary in April though, because he felt like we "should" date for at least a year.  He finally moved in with me "officially" 2 weeks ago, 6 months before the wedding!

  There are not only 2 options here: getting married or living in sin.

   

  

  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  January 2015

  My husband proposed to me after 5 months of dating. I didn't hesitate in saying yes at all. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and I had no doubts.
  
  I think the fact that this gave you pause shouldn't be ignored. Give it time. See where it goes. You don't need to rush.

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• Inkdancer member

  

  January 2015

  I knew within six months of being together that I wanted to be with my husband forever. We did not get married for another seven years.
  
  If you are really willing to make a lifelong commitment, waiting a little while to do the official thing should not be a problem (even if waiting feels terrible, it's not, I promise!)
  
  Honestly it sounds like you need more time. If your answer isn't instantly "oh yes I can't wait to marry you" then getting married is a bad idea.
  

  

  

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• sophhabobopha member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  larrygaga said:

  Nobody can make this choice for you. In my opinion, if it isn't an easy and automatic yes, than you should tell him you want to think about it. Marriage is a big, big, big, big commitment. Have you lived together? Have you talked about having children or not? Are you understanding of each other's finances? Have you talked about career goals? Where do you want to live? Have your parents met him? Have you met his parents?

  
  

  It seems very sudden, although there are brides here who have been happy even though they committed very quickly.  I don't think rushing into it is a good idea, but if you know it's right for you than you know it's right for you. 

  I agree with larry.

  
  

  Whatever you choose, glad you're happy again. Good luck!

  ETA:

  Entered too early. Haha

  I knew I wanted to be with Fi forever after our first date. It took him eight months. Both are okay!

  

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• RosieC18 member

  

  January 2015

  I'm going to be the bad guy here and say this is one of those red flags we're always talking about. Abusers often push for commitment really early, as a way to trap and control their victims. Now as people have said above it's entirely possible to get engaged very quickly and have it all be great and above-board, but that requires a mutual excitement and desire to commit that each arrive at independently, not where one person is feeling pressured. The fact that he has already convinced you to change your mind about having more kids makes me nervous too, in this context. Sometimes one partner wants kids more than the other and that's okay, but I think you should take a good long time (like more than a year) to really get to know him and consider his character. Does he pressure or bully you? Do you find yourself always giving in on disagreements (or even just normal differences, like where to eat dinner) because it's easier than talking it out? Does he support your other rerelationships with family and friends? Is he jealous?
  
  Maybe I'm completely wrong, maybe he's great, but I don't think you're in a place to know that so quickly, especially since he met you at a vulnerable time. If he won't wait, then he's definitely not right for you. There really is no rush. Live apart, date, wait to commit and wait to have sex if that's important to you. Think about what kind of decision-making and relationships you want to model for your child. Show them how to be independent and happy as an individual, which will only make you and them a better partner when the time comes.
  
  

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• larrygaga member

  

  January 2015

  RosieC18 said:

  I'm going to be the bad guy here and say this is one of those red flags we're always talking about. Abusers often push for commitment really early, as a way to trap and control their victims. Now as people have said above it's entirely possible to get engaged very quickly and have it all be great and above-board, but that requires a mutual excitement and desire to commit that each arrive at independently, not where one person is feeling pressured. The fact that he has already convinced you to change your mind about having more kids makes me nervous too, in this context. Sometimes one partner wants kids more than the other and that's okay, but I think you should take a good long time (like more than a year) to really get to know him and consider his character. Does he pressure or bully you? Do you find yourself always giving in on disagreements (or even just normal differences, like where to eat dinner) because it's easier than talking it out? Does he support your other rerelationships with family and friends? Is he jealous? Maybe I'm completely wrong, maybe he's great, but I don't think you're in a place to know that so quickly, especially since he met you at a vulnerable time. If he won't wait, then he's definitely not right for you. There really is no rush. Live apart, date, wait to commit and wait to have sex if that's important to you. Think about what kind of decision-making and relationships you want to model for your child. Show them how to be independent and happy as an individual, which will only make you and them a better partner when the time comes.

  I think you are really reaching when you start slinging potential abuse around.

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  January 2015 edited June 2015

  
  

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• CaliRed member

  

  January 2015

  pinkrevengelarrygagaRosieC18sophhabobophascribe95Inkdancerclimbingwifeluckya23AddieCakelyndausviBrandNewJHaileyDancingbearCouggal12

  OK I hope I didn't forget anyone. I want to tell you ladies I sincerely appreciate and respect all your opinions you ladies did not hold back at all and I definitely needed that. Reading your responses allowed me to gather up enough courage to make a list of questions and then have a long talk with him. I was really honest with him and let him know I care about him and would love to marry him one day but its too soon can we wait a year. Do some things follow some dreams like someone mentioned go on vacations etc. He was soooooo totally understanding of my feelings and said we could wait as long as I wanted. This makes me feel better. My apprehensions on saying yes and jumping in were not because he is not who I would looooove to spend my life with because he is and more. it is because of me and only me. I am scared that's all  and I think the only thing that can heal me from being scared is time. I need to see if he can stand through the rain for me or take the easy way out like the rest.

  once again I appreciate your responses

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• flutteringinfl member

  

  January 2015

  Good for you for having that talk with him! And good for him for his response. There's no reason to rush things. I think when and if it's right, you'll know. Trust your gut.

  

  
  

  
  

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