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Planning: How much consideration given to divorced parents lack of relationship?

My fiance's parents divorced in their late fifties. His father remarried soon after (possibly something was happening with the other woman before divorce), his mother is single. They do not talk.

We are in our mid-thirties, first marriage for both of us. We are in the very early stages of planning our wedding, it will be small. As we've been looking at venues we've found some that are real gems. BUT, my fiance has nixed them because he is afraid if not enough people come (because of it being either too expensive to get to, such as Hawaii, or too casual like a restaurant reception for long distance people to attend), that his mother will feel awkward without a buffer.

First, let me say that I love my fiance more than I thought I could love some one and we are great together. Secondly, I am sensitive to this. However, I strongly feel that this is the one time in our lives that we are allowed to be a little selfish. We dont own a home yet and I do not want to spend gobs of money on a large wedding in case his mother might feel uncomfortable, when we still need to save for a home. I know that sounds harsh, but I'd like to have a wedding that feels like us and is inline with our other goals.

For the record, my parents are still together and still, possibly more than ever, in love, so I can only relate to his experience through a removed lens.

Am I being overly selfish?

Thanks


Re: Planning: How much consideration given to divorced parents lack of relationship?

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    No, you're not selfish to want a wedding that's in line with your budget and taste. If it's in your budget, allow your FMIL to have a small guest list of her own. Allow FMIL to decide who sits at her table. Your fi is putting the cart ahead of the horses by assuming that his family won't attend and his mother will be uncomfortable.

                       
  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    It is one thing to be sensitive to her feelings but changing and planning your wedding around the fact she may feel uncomfortable is too extreme. His parents are both adults and can act civil for a few hours on one day.

    runsonveggies
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    emmaaa said:
    It is one thing to be sensitive to her feelings but changing and planning your wedding around the fact she may feel uncomfortable is too extreme. His parents are both adults and can act civil for a few hours on one day.
    This. 

    My H's parents do not get along well. We wanted a small wedding. We did decide against the lodge on an island where all our guests could stay all weekend because of this, but didn't change our entire wedding. Our 35-person reception was cocktail style so there was no assigned seating and people could avoid each other if need be. 

    Seat them at different tables and call it a day. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    emmaaa said:
    It is one thing to be sensitive to her feelings but changing and planning your wedding around the fact she may feel uncomfortable is too extreme. His parents are both adults and can act civil for a few hours on one day.
    I agree 100%. 

  • No, you're not selfish to want a wedding that's in line with your budget and taste. If it's in your budget, allow your FMIL to have a small guest list of her own. Allow FMIL to decide who sits at her table. Your fi is putting the cart ahead of the horses by assuming that his family won't attend and his mother will be uncomfortable.

    ********
    As long as a few of Mom's special friends are on your list that is as far as you need go, but that much seems kind even if she is not contributing financially.
  • emmaaa said:
    It is one thing to be sensitive to her feelings but changing and planning your wedding around the fact she may feel uncomfortable is too extreme. His parents are both adults and can act civil for a few hours on one day.
    I agree 100%. 
    Also agree!!
  • amelishaamelisha Canadian Texas member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    My FI's parents are in a somewhat similar boat (divorced in FI's adulthood, FFIL is remarried, they don't get along at all), and we're still having a DW with 20 guests (and all eating at one table in a restaurant, actually.) I'm handling it by not having a bunch of group activities other than the ceremony and dinner, primarily, but they'll sit at at opposite ends of the table (on the same side so they won't have to look at each other too much, even), my mother and his sister will sit next to his mom and keep her happy, and other than that they won't have to see each other at all. Just don't force too much group stuff on people and there's no reason you can't have a small DW if you want one.

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