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elopement etiquette

lifeisajourneylifeisajourney member
5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
edited January 2015 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
This question is not for me. Its for my close friend who is planning an elopement. She really wants to rent out a beach house and have a tiny ceremony on the beach with only her 4 best friends and the grooms 4 best friends (So 8 guests total). She wants to rent a beach house large enough for all of the guests to stay in the night of the ceremony so that they dont have to shoulder the expense of getting a hotel room. (Staying at the beach house would be optional). 3 out of 8 of her guests are in serious relationships (they are either married or live together) and I have told her that she has to invite them. She doesn't feel like she has to invite the spouses since it's "just a small ceremony" but I think she needs to since it's sort of a destination wedding (about a 5 hour drive to the beach) and the guests will be staying over night, plus it just seems wrong not to invite the SOs. She doesn't want the spouses staying in the beach house because she isnt very close to the spouses and it would increase the price for the rental since they would have to rent a place with more rooms to accommodate the couples and give each couple their own room. She was considering inviting the SOs to the ceremony but telling her friends that if they bring their SOs that they are not welcome to stay at the beach house. That sounds a little rude to me but I guess it's an option. Do you ladies have any thoughts or suggestions for my friend? Have I given her the proper advice about having to invite the SOs? Thanks in advance for your help
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Re: elopement etiquette

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    lifeisajourneylifeisajourney member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    LondonLisa said:
    lifeisajourney said:
    This question is not for me. Its for my close friend who is planning an elopement. She really wants to rent out a beach house and have a tiny ceremony on the beach with only her 4 best friends and the grooms 4 best friends (So 8 guests total). She wants to rent a beach house large enough for all of the guests to stay in the night of the ceremony so that they dont have to shoulder the expense of getting a hotel room. (Staying at the beach house would be optional). 3 out of 8 of her guests are in serious relationships (they are either married or live together) and I have told her that she has to invite them. She doesn't feel like she has to invite the spouses since it's "just a small ceremony" but I think she needs to since it's sort of a destination wedding (about a 5 hour drive to the beach) and the guests will be staying over night, plus it just seems wrong not to invite the SOs. She doesn't want the spouses staying in the beach house because she isnt very close to the spouses and it would increase the price for the rental since they would have to rent a place with more rooms to accommodate the couples and give each couple their own room. She was considering inviting the SOs to the ceremony but telling her friends that if they bring their SOs that they are not welcome to stay at the beach house. That sounds a little rude to me but I guess it's an option. Do you ladies have any thoughts or suggestions for me friend? Have I given her the proper advice about having to invite the SOs? Thanks in advance for your help
    Wow- this is a mess!
    1.) This isn't an elopement, this is a private ceremony.
    2.) It is incredibly rude to not invite SO's. She cannot expect others to come celebrate her relationship if she doesn't respect theirs. It is one of the rudest things one can do.
    3.) She should pay for the entire cost of the beach house if she would like people to stay there. I would think it is strange giving my friend money to pay for my accommodation at their wedding. This is a recipe for disaster- what happens if someone drops out last minute or no one wants to stay?
    4.) I would just tell her that people would be unlikely to come to their wedding at all without their SO's, let alone stay in a holiday home without them. I certainly wouldn't go to this without my SO. No invite for my fi (that wasn't a mistake and corrected)=automatic decline and sending a card (definitely no gift!).


    If you can't appeal to her logic/etiquette, try to appeal to her pocketbook: she is going to end up with an empty beach house. There is no way I would give up holiday time and money to go to a destination wedding and NOT stay with my fi! 




    I forgot to include that she plans to pay for the beach house rental herself, so they wouldnt have to chip in for the cost
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    lovegood90lovegood90 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Super rude. She needs to invite all SOs- this is non-negotiable etiquette. If she doesn't want to invite SOs then she shouldn't invite anyone. I would not attend, and may rethink my level of friendship with this person, if they did that to me.

    Formerly martha1818

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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    lifeisajourney said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    First of all, an elopement doesn't include anyone except the B&G. This is a small destination wedding - not an elopement. 

    Second, if she invites ANYONE to her small DW, etiquette says she should invite their SOs. To not invite SOs to a wedding is basically saying "come celebrate my relationship, but I don't think yours is worth respecting..." Super rude. It does not matter what her opinion on it is, it's bad etiquette to not include SOs.

    My suggestion for her would be to get a small beach house/room for just her and her groom. Then get a hotel block near by and let people book their own rooms. If she decides she wants to pay for everyone's rooms, fine. But it's not required.
    I like this idea. I'm definitely going to tell her that this would be an awesome option. I know she REALLY wants everyone in one house, but she may need to just get over that. This isnt a slumber party, it's a wedding
    So much this. 

    My personal preference was to have a bit of privacy on my wedding night... If they want to take a vacation and all go in on a house with their friends, whatever. I just don't get it for the wedding night.
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    apromise22apromise22 member
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    Are either of them on good terms with their parents? If so, their parents will probably be very upset that friends were invited and they weren't. As others have said, it's not an elopement when friends are invited.

    If they don't speak to their parents, then never mind. 
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    JennyColadaJennyColada member
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    apromise22 said:

    Are either of them on good terms with their parents? If so, their parents will probably be very upset that friends were invited and they weren't. As others have said, it's not an elopement when friends are invited.


    If they don't speak to their parents, then never mind. 
    This stuck out to me too. MIL would have been crushed and my mom would have been PISSED.
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    lifeisajourneylifeisajourney member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    She's inviting both sets of parents but didnt want the parents staying with them in the beach house. Just the friends. Her parents will get hotel rooms (which in my opinion is what everyone needs to do)
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    antotoantoto member
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    I would definitely not attend a wedding where my husband was not invited.  If I'm going to take a super long drive to the beach my husband better be coming along with me!  It seems crazy that your friend wants to have a celebration for marriage, but does not respect that of her own best friends.
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    lifeisajourney said:
    She's inviting both sets of parents but didnt want the parents staying with them in the beach house. Just the friends. Her parents will get hotel rooms (which in my opinion is what everyone needs to do)
    Just curious, OP. Are you one of the friends who is being invited without your SO? 

    If so, I would respond to the invitation with my SO. If she calls you and says s/he isn't invited, then I would say, "Oh, I'm sorry, then we are unable to attend." 
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    I agree with everyone else.  This is not a vacation for friends.  This is a wedding and it needs to be treated the same whether it is a small DW or a large affair in a ballroom.

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    auriannaaurianna member
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    Just curious...
    You mentioned "night of the ceremony" and that she didn't like the additional cost of the beach house...
    But she didn't mind the reception cost?
    There is a reception right?
    Is it early enough that guests could just drive home afterwards and not stay on the beach?
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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    DH and I would both declining that weekend.    


    We both go away for boy or girl weekends without the other.  We would draw the line at a co-ed weekend at the beach for a wedding of a BFF,  where the other was specifically excluded from.     

    Some how I doubt all the GM and BM are best buddies who would travel together on their own.   If they all do then maybe I would change my mind.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    MGPMGP member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    lifeisajourney said:
    This isnt a slumber party, it's a wedding
    This 1000%.

    It's been well established that not inviting the SO's is rude so I will move past that.

    But just curious - what is the age range of this whole group?  I have noticed that as people get older they are less interested in vacationing with people they don't know well, especially when it comes to sharing space.  Dinner, drinks, and beach time as a group?  Sounds great!  But sharing beds, bathrooms, and cleaning up after other people is just not something I would participate in, especially if I was told that my husband was not welcome.

    The whole situation sounds like an etiquette mess and a cluster.
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    lifeisajourneylifeisajourney member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    I am one of the invited best friends and the other 3 ladies and I are very close. We have taken girls trips together before but this just feels different to me because its co-ed and its a wedding. My SO isnt invited and I wasnt going to make a fuss just because I really love the bride and didnt want to stress her but I have mentioned to her all of the suggestions you guys made and hopefully she changes her plans. She is planning a small reception on the beach. Simple and sweet, just finger foods and cake under a small tent on the beach.
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    kaitlynmichellekaitlynmichelle member
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    If I was told my husband wasn't welcome, I would be declining.
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    lifeisajourneylifeisajourney member
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    I know that financially she cant afford a large wedding but that she really wants her close friends there so I'm looking at her actions as ignorant instead of disrespectful. She doesnt seem to understand that she's being rude. I'm going to direct her to these boards for guidance and I'm also going to do everything in my power to help her plan a simple, budget conscious wedding that doesnt piss off her closest friends. I know that one of the groomsmen is very upset that his wife isnt invited. 

    Also, is her plan for finger foods and cake ok? I told her it was since the ceremony is at 1:00. I know it's not required to serve a full meal, but her guests will be traveling 4-5 hours to attend and possibly staying over night so is it still ok not to do this full meal? I personally dont mind not getting a meal. I will still have enough time to go grab dinner later on my own if I wanted to.
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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    edited January 2015
    lifeisajourney said:
    I am one of the invited best friends and the other 3 ladies and I are very close. We have taken girls trips together before but this just feels different to me because its co-ed and its a wedding. My SO isnt invited and I wasnt going to make a fuss just because I really love the bride and didnt want to stress her but I have mentioned to her all of the suggestions you guys made and hopefully she changes her plans. She is planning a small reception on the beach. Simple and sweet, just finger foods and cake under a small tent on the beach.
    It is different.  You are NOT taking a trip with the 4 of you.  You are taking a trip with the 4 of you, plus the groom and his buddies  you may or may not know.   It's weird and disrespectful.   

    I love my BFF's husband.  I love to travel with my BFF alone.  But I have no desire to travel AND share a house  with BFF, her husband and all of husband's friends.  no, just no. Not happening.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    MGPMGP member
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    lifeisajourney said:
    I know that financially she cant afford a large wedding but that she really wants her close friends there so I'm looking at her actions as ignorant instead of disrespectful. She doesnt seem to understand that she's being rude. I'm going to direct her to these boards for guidance and I'm also going to do everything in my power to help her plan a simple, budget conscious wedding that doesnt piss off her closest friends. I know that one of the groomsmen is very upset that his wife isnt invited. 

    Also, is her plan for finger foods and cake ok? I told her it was since the ceremony is at 1:00. I know it's not required to serve a full meal, but her guests will be traveling 4-5 hours to attend and possibly staying over night so is it still ok not to do this full meal? I personally dont mind not getting a meal. I will still have enough time to go grab dinner later on my own if I wanted to.
    You sound like a really good friend.  

    Eh, 1:00 is cutting it really close to considering it a non meal time especially if those people would be leaving in the morning to make it to the wedding.  I would probably be starving after a 5 hour road trip.  Could she increase the amount of food and do a lunch?  Beach food doesn't have to be heavy and easy to make cost conscious.  Then your idea of getting dinner later would make sense timing wise.

    Regardless of what she decides SO's must be invited.
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    auriannaaurianna member
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    lifeisajourney said:

    Also, is her plan for finger foods and cake ok? I told her it was since the ceremony is at 1:00. I know it's not required to serve a full meal, but her guests will be traveling 4-5 hours to attend and possibly staying over night so is it still ok not to do this full meal? I personally dont mind not getting a meal. I will still have enough time to go grab dinner later on my own if I wanted to.
    Well... that's tricky.
    I view 1pm as after lunch (though 2pm would be safer).
    But if it's really 5 hours away, that means just to get to the wedding on time, guests will have to have been on the road since 8am. So that's breakfast AND lunch at McDonalds. And then just some snacks after the wedding?
    It's not great.

    But as this is a closer-knit group maybe you all are fine with it.
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    MobKazMobKaz member
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    lifeisajourney said:
    I am one of the invited best friends and the other 3 ladies and I are very close. We have taken girls trips together before but this just feels different to me because its co-ed and its a wedding. My SO isnt invited and I wasnt going to make a fuss just because I really love the bride and didnt want to stress her but I have mentioned to her all of the suggestions you guys made and hopefully she changes her plans. She is planning a small reception on the beach. Simple and sweet, just finger foods and cake under a small tent on the beach.
    But this isn't a girls trip. This is a wedding. That is why it feels different and has different protocol.
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    lovegood90lovegood90 member
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    MGP said:
    lyndausvi said:
    lifeisajourney said:
    I am one of the invited best friends and the other 3 ladies and I are very close. We have taken girls trips together before but this just feels different to me because its co-ed and its a wedding. My SO isnt invited and I wasnt going to make a fuss just because I really love the bride and didnt want to stress her but I have mentioned to her all of the suggestions you guys made and hopefully she changes her plans. She is planning a small reception on the beach. Simple and sweet, just finger foods and cake under a small tent on the beach.
    It is different.  You are NOT taking a trip with the 4 of you.  You are taking a trip with the 4 of you, plus the groom and his buddies  you may or may not know.   It's weird and disrespectful.   

    I love my BFF's husband.  I love to travel with my BFF alone.  But I have no desire to travel AND share a house  with BFF, her husband and all of husband's friends.  no, just no. Not happening.  
    As usual you bring up a good point.  My husband and I have a very trusting relationship, but honestly if I told him I was going to a wedding and sharing a house with ten other people and no SO's he would probably tell me I couldn't go and that's saying a LOT.  Girls trips?  Fine.  Guys trips?  Fine.  But getting a bunch of non single people together for a vacation and treating them like single people is just strange and rude.  Honestly it sounds like the start of a really bad reality show.

    It's especially strange because I'm assuming everyone doesn't know each other that well? If they're all actually "best friends," then they've most likely met each other's SOs before/hung out with them a lot. So it's especially weird that they're not invited. And if they've never met SO's then they're obviously not close enough to want to share a house for the weekend? I dunno if I'm making sense, lol.

    But yeah OP, I'd re-jig your priorities to be more concerned with respecting your SO over potentially offending your friend, when she was the rude one in the first place.

    Formerly martha1818

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