elopement etiquette

ShesSoCold · January 2015

This sounds like one of those ideas that should be crossed out at the very beginning of the planning stages. Sounds good on paper, not fun in execution.

I had a DW planned and renting a huge vacation house was one of the ideas in our initial brainstorming. The more we thought about it, the less it made sense.

PPs have given good advice, I just hope your friend takes it.

MGP · January 2015

lovegood90 said:

MGP said:

lyndausvi said:

lifeisajourney said:

I am one of the invited best friends and the other 3 ladies and I are very close. We have taken girls trips together before but this just feels different to me because its co-ed and its a wedding. My SO isnt invited and I wasnt going to make a fuss just because I really love the bride and didnt want to stress her but I have mentioned to her all of the suggestions you guys made and hopefully she changes her plans. She is planning a small reception on the beach. Simple and sweet, just finger foods and cake under a small tent on the beach.

It is different. You are NOT taking a trip with the 4 of you. You are taking a trip with the 4 of you, plus the groom and his buddies you may or may not know. It's weird and disrespectful.

I love my BFF's husband. I love to travel with my BFF alone. But I have no desire to travel AND share a house with BFF, her husband and all of husband's friends. no, just no. Not happening.

As usual you bring up a good point. My husband and I have a very trusting relationship, but honestly if I told him I was going to a wedding and sharing a house with ten other people and no SO's he would probably tell me I couldn't go and that's saying a LOT. Girls trips? Fine. Guys trips? Fine. But getting a bunch of non single people together for a vacation and treating them like single people is just strange and rude. Honestly it sounds like the start of a really bad reality show.

It's especially strange because I'm assuming everyone doesn't know each other that well? If they're all actually "best friends," then they've most likely met each other's SOs before/hung out with them a lot. So it's especially weird that they're not invited. And if they've never met SO's then they're obviously not close enough to want to share a house for the weekend? I dunno if I'm making sense, lol.
But yeah OP, I'd re-jig your priorities to be more concerned with respecting your SO over potentially offending your friend, when she was the rude one in the first place.

You are totally making sense! It sounds to me like the bride feels she doesn't know the SO's "enough" to invite them but in that case her only etiquette approved option is to not invite the entire couple.

That's why I asked the age range and closeness of this group. Because if they are all BFF's, then I get that maybe they would all like to stay together as long as SO's were included. If they all don't know each other well it just adds another level of awkwardness to the whole thing.

But seriously - I am 37. My slumber party and frat house party days are O.V.E.R. I have NO desire to take a trip away from my husband and child to share a house with other people's husbands while their wives are not there. It's just. . . odd.

lyndausvi · January 2015

Next time you have a party tell her her FI/DH isn't invited. See how she feels.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

She's have a DW and not serving a meal? And there are only 12 people?

What the hell?

If it's a DW, she really should serve a meal... I'm not saying she has to take y'all to a steakhouse. But she can serve a basic LUNCH for pete's sake. Especially since it's only 12 people. She could probably do this via a local deli or Italian restaurant for under $100.

Her priorities suck. She wants to stay in a fancy beach house, but she can't afford a basic meal for her best friends and family who traveled 8 hours? Come on.... She's not required to offer lodging, so she should stay in the hotel with everyone else, only pay for her/her H's room, and use the money she saved to provide lunch or dinner for her guests.

I'm starting to think maybe she should just straight up elope. Save everyone the hassle.

Maggie0829 · January 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

She's have a DW and not serving a meal? And there are only 12 people?

What the hell?

If it's a DW, she really should serve a meal... I'm not saying she has to take y'all to a steakhouse. But she can serve a basic LUNCH for pete's sake. Especially since it's only 12 people. She could probably do this via a local deli or Italian restaurant for under $100.

Her priorities suck. She wants to stay in a fancy beach house, but she can't afford a basic meal for her best friends and family who traveled 8 hours? Come on.... She's not required to offer lodging, so she should stay in the hotel with everyone else, only pay for her/her H's room, and use the money she saved to provide lunch or dinner for her guests.

I'm starting to think maybe she should just straight up elope. Save everyone the hassle.

I agree with this.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2015

MGP said:

lifeisajourney said:
This isnt a slumber party, it's a wedding

This 1000%.

It's been well established that not inviting the SO's is rude so I will move past that.

But just curious - what is the age range of this whole group? I have noticed that as people get older they are less interested in vacationing with people they don't know well, especially when it comes to sharing space. Dinner, drinks, and beach time as a group? Sounds great! But sharing beds, bathrooms, and cleaning up after other people is just not something I would participate in, especially if I was told that my husband was not welcome.

The whole situation sounds like an etiquette mess and a cluster.

I really have no interest in sharing limited space with people I do know well, either. Been there, done, that, it was a pain in the ass and it was not fun or relaxing.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2015

lifeisajourney said:

I know that financially she cant afford a large wedding but that she really wants her close friends there so I'm looking at her actions as ignorant instead of disrespectful. She doesnt seem to understand that she's being rude. I'm going to direct her to these boards for guidance and I'm also going to do everything in my power to help her plan a simple, budget conscious wedding that doesnt piss off her closest friends. I know that one of the groomsmen is very upset that his wife isnt invited. As he should be because this is very, very rude on her part.

Also, is her plan for finger foods and cake ok? I told her it was since the ceremony is at 1:00. I know it's not required to serve a full meal, but her guests will be traveling 4-5 hours to attend and possibly staying over night so is it still ok not to do this full meal? I personally dont mind not getting a meal. I will still have enough time to go grab dinner later on my own if I wanted to. How close are the local restaurants to the beach and where you *might* be staying. If I have to travel 4-5 hours to make a 1pm beach ceremony, finger foods and cake is not going to cut it. I'm gonna need an actual meal. And if I have to drive another hour to find a place to get a meal, I'm gonna likely be declining to attend.

lifeisajourney · January 2015

I need to sit down with my girl and have a true "come to Jesus" meeting. Honestly I'm going to encourage her to just elope. I mean really elope. Just her and her hunny bcuz I really think thats all she can afford

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

Oh, and if she elopes, she shouldn't have engagement parties, showers, or a bach. Those are all "pre-wedding parties" and anyone invited to a a pre-wedding party should be invited to the wedding.

lovegood90 · January 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

Oh, and if she elopes, she shouldn't have engagement parties, showers, or a bach. Those are all "pre-wedding parties" and anyone invited to a a pre-wedding party should be invited to the wedding.

You know, from the sounds of this chick I wouldn't be surprised if she had her own shower planned and an elaborate OOT bach party...

short+sassy · January 2015

I realize I am just repetitive at this point with what all the other PPs have said, lol. But, seriously?

Let's review. Guests are expected to undergo a 4-5 hour drive...so that is 8-9 hours round trip. For a weekend at the beach...but without their SO. Wait, it's not even a weekend, it is one night.

Plus, for the drive up, they need to leave their house at least at 8AM to make a 1PM wedding. With all that time being on the road...maybe not having time to stop for lunch before arriving. And are then fed finger sandwiches.

Perhaps the couple is also trying to save on a DJ by having their guests' rumbling stomachs be the "music" of the reception?

MGP · January 2015

Let's also not forget that in every group of couples there are always a few jealous and insecure people. Just this weekend I got a few BITCH STOP TALKING TO MY HUSBAND looks while engaging in very brief small talk with other guests at a child's birthday party. There was no alcohol. I looked presentable (showered, makeup, and dressed appropriately) but wasn't overdressed or flirtatious in any way.

I could only imagine what could happen at an overnight beach house trip with no SO's.

lovegood90 · January 2015

MGP said:

Let's also not forget that in every group of couples there are always a few jealous and insecure people. Just this weekend I got a few BITCH STOP TALKING TO MY HUSBAND looks while engaging in very brief small talk with other guests at a child's birthday party. There was no alcohol. I looked presentable (showered, makeup, and dressed appropriately) but wasn't overdressed or flirtatious in any way.

I could only imagine what could happen at an overnight beach house trip with no SO's.

Couldn't help but laugh at this. Cmon, OBVIOUSLY a kid's birthday party is the perfect place for already married people to try and hook up with other people!

SP29 · January 2015

Some of these responses are hilarious- I agree, new reality show in the making.

I agree that this idea is one that seems "good" on paper (minus not inviting SOs) but VERY bad in execution.

It seems odd to me that if these 8 people are the couple's nearest and dearest, that the B&G also wouldn't know each guests' SOs very well. If these people are so important to invite to this private ceremony, so are the SOs.

Particularly since money is an issue, I would tell your friend to save her money on the beach house- it is not necessary and the guests (with their SOs) can find their own hotel rooms. The B&G can find a smaller beach house for the two of them, and if they still want to hang out with their friends, they can always invite everyone over to the house for a "house party" in the evening (with some food of course).

As for the food- not technically wrong, as it's not meal time, BUT since this is essentially a DW, it's kind of a jerk move not to provide a meal when the guests will be travelling so far. Lunch could be sandwiches, salads, meatballs and pasta, BBQ, fruit and veggie tray- all of which are cheap. Saving money on the beach rental could go towards a proper meal (AND the evening food if they do have a house party).

At the end of it all, I think I would ask your friend, "Honestly think about this- how is it fair to ask your BEST friends to share your wedding day with you if you won't respect their relationships?"

lnixon8 · January 2015

Ditto what PPs have said but I'm having trouble even following the money part of the brides argument. If the SOs come she will need to get a bigger house, but why? Shouldn't they have been given their own rooms? Was everyone sleeping on the floor? OP said the girlfriends were close what what about grooms friends? I know FI would be uncomfortable sleeping in a bed with some guy (or girl!) he didn't know.

It sounds like bride was trying to do something nice but didn't think about the details. Good luck to you both!

lifeisajourney · January 2015

Just an update- I met the bride for lunch this weekend and we talked about her wedding. I was able to talk her out of that beach house idea. She is going to block out some rooms at a nearby hotel instead and she is only inviting their immediate family, close friends, and SOs. We sat down and sketched out a rough guestlist. She has about 30 guests when it's all said and done. (8-30 sounds like a huge jump but the problem is she wasnt considering her family as "guests" dont even ask my why). Anyway, she is still considering a 1 pm ceremony and the reception is on the beach right after the ceremony with "heavy appetizers" chicken tenders, spinach dip, some other dip, meatballs, cheese and crackers, and fruit. I'm trying to talk her into doing a BBQ lunch because that can be catered for a reasonable cost. The issue is that her "wedding planner" has talked her into this package that is a "standing reception" there are no tables and chairs for the reception. There are only the chairs from the ceremony and a small tent that only has enough tables to hold the food. So essentially guests will be eating on their laps so I guess BBQ isnt the best idea. Any ideas ladies? Im trying to help my girl out here.

Liatris2010 · January 2015

lifeisajourney said:

Just an update- I met the bride for lunch this weekend and we talked about her wedding. I was able to talk her out of that beach house idea. She is going to block out some rooms at a nearby hotel instead and she is only inviting their immediate family, close friends, and SOs. We sat down and sketched out a rough guestlist. She has about 30 guests when it's all said and done. (8-30 sounds like a huge jump but the problem is she wasnt considering her family as "guests" dont even ask my why). Anyway, she is still considering a 1 pm ceremony and the reception is on the beach right after the ceremony with "heavy appetizers" chicken tenders, spinach dip, some other dip, meatballs, cheese and crackers, and fruit. I'm trying to talk her into doing a BBQ lunch because that can be catered for a reasonable cost. The issue is that her "wedding planner" has talked her into this package that is a "standing reception" there are no tables and chairs for the reception. There are only the chairs from the ceremony and a small tent that only has enough tables to hold the food. So essentially guests will be eating on their laps so I guess BBQ isnt the best idea. Any ideas ladies? Im trying to help my girl out here.

I went to a standing reception this summer. Everyone hated it. We were all really confused, trying to figure out where we would sit, and then just kind of shocked that we wouldn't be sitting. After standing for all of cocktail hour, 4 more hours standing at the reception was not cool. We had to eat standing up. No one expressed enjoyment at this "unique" wedding.

Every butt needs a chair, and she needs to serve enough food to her guests. This is basic hosting.

lifeisajourney · January 2015

Liatris2010 said:

Every butt needs a chair, and she needs to serve enough food to her guests. This is basic hosting.

There will be a chair for every guest but not tables. I feel like tables are just as important as chairs at this point. I know I dont want to eat on my lap but the bride feels that since everyone will have a place to sit that its fine.

Maggie0829 · January 2015

I agree that tables are just as important as chairs. I hate eating off my lap. Add on the fact that I probably have a clutch, phone/camera and maybe a wrap if it gets cool I really don't want to juggle that crap plus a drink and a plate all on my lap.

She doesn't need to have the typical large round tables. But she should have enough cocktail/high top tables where people can put there stuff down.

Liatris2010 · January 2015

People also need tables. Ask her how she feels about balancing a plate on her lap and wedging a drink in between her knees in her wedding dress.

lifeisajourney · January 2015

Thats a good idea @Maggie0829. She can rent some of the hightops so people have the option of eating at a table. Thanks for that

PrettyGirlLost · January 2015

lifeisajourney said:

Just an update- I met the bride for lunch this weekend and we talked about her wedding. I was able to talk her out of that beach house idea. She is going to block out some rooms at a nearby hotel instead and she is only inviting their immediate family, close friends, and SOs. We sat down and sketched out a rough guestlist. She has about 30 guests when it's all said and done. (8-30 sounds like a huge jump but the problem is she wasnt considering her family as "guests" dont even ask my why). Anyway, she is still considering a 1 pm ceremony and the reception is on the beach right after the ceremony with "heavy appetizers" chicken tenders, spinach dip, some other dip, meatballs, cheese and crackers, and fruit. I'm trying to talk her into doing a BBQ lunch because that can be catered for a reasonable cost. The issue is that her "wedding planner" has talked her into this package that is a "standing reception" there are no tables and chairs for the reception. There are only the chairs from the ceremony and a small tent that only has enough tables to hold the food. So essentially guests will be eating on their laps so I guess BBQ isnt the best idea. Any ideas ladies? Im trying to help my girl out here.

Invite her over to your house at a meal time for a party and then remove all of your seating and have her stand and eat finger food for as long as she can handle it. Then point out to her that this is how her quests are going to feel having to attend her wedding and reception.

ETA: Remove your tables then. Just send this chick over here.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2015

Honestly, as a guest I would leave her reception very quickly. . . to go get something substantial to eat, someplace that has tables, after driving a pretty long time to get to the wedding.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

Yay for convincing her to invite SOs!!

She needs to think worst case scenario when having an outdoor wedding and ask the wedding planner what plan B is. Can the tent cover 30 people plus food tables if it's raining? What if it's windy (not unusual for waterfront locations) and there's a bunch of sand in the food? Who is serving the drinks? Where are people supposed to put their stuff during the reception while they eat? If they use the chair to sit, the only available space would be in the sand... They can't hold a plate and a drink and eat at the same time. She needs tables.

Really what should happen here is for her to get married on the beach around 5 or so and then take everyone out to dinner. SO much easier and more etiquette friendly than what she's planning.

lifeisajourney · January 2015

Yes! I suggested the go out to dinner thing. She is worried people will order things she cant afford. I told her that we can customize a menu from the restaurants menu with all the entrees that she can afford and give it to everyone so they know what to choose from. Her other issue with that is she wants to have a first dance and cake cutting and bouquet toss and she cant do that at the restaurant.

Maybe....we can do a "mini reception" on the beach with the apps and cake so she can get pics of her first dance and all that traditional stuff and then take everyone to the restaurant to eat. It's a little backward with the cake b4 the meal but it could work. What do you think?

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

lifeisajourney said:

Yes! I suggested the go out to dinner thing. She is worried people will order things she cant afford. I told her that we can customize a menu from the restaurants menu with all the entrees that she can afford and give it to everyone so they know what to choose from. Her other issue with that is she wants to have a first dance and cake cutting and bouquet toss and she cant do that at the restaurant.

Maybe....we can do a "mini reception" on the beach with the apps and cake so she can get pics of her first dance and all that traditional stuff and then take everyone to the restaurant to eat. It's a little backward with the cake b4 the meal but it could work. What do you think?

Why can't she do a cake cutting at a restaurant? Every restaurant wedding I've been to does this and it's never a problem.

If I were her, I'd get married on the beach, then go to a restaurant private room for dinner. Most restaurants will actually require a limited menu for a group of 30 people. So she can just select the items she can afford. And she will know all costs ahead of time. She can probably do a limited drink menu as well.

If the restaurant won't let her do a bouquet toss (with such a small group, I only see this being an issue if the space is really small), then the people who want to participate could just go down to the beach after dinner and do the toss there.

short+sassy · January 2015

lifeisajourney said:

Yes! I suggested the go out to dinner thing. She is worried people will order things she cant afford. I told her that we can customize a menu from the restaurants menu with all the entrees that she can afford and give it to everyone so they know what to choose from. Her other issue with that is she wants to have a first dance and cake cutting and bouquet toss and she cant do that at the restaurant.

Maybe....we can do a "mini reception" on the beach with the apps and cake so she can get pics of her first dance and all that traditional stuff and then take everyone to the restaurant to eat. It's a little backward with the cake b4 the meal but it could work. What do you think?

Ugh, she doesn't need a first dance or a bouquet toss...especially if it comes at the expense of her guest's comfort. I personally dislike bouquet tosses anyway, ESPECIALLY for a small group of people. Because she might end up only having a few people that are single and want to participate...awkward.

I would have loved a first dance myself, had a song I'd always wanted picked out, but there wasn't room for dancing at my venue so that was that. Slightly disappointing at best, really not a big deal.

I think your idea of maybe having a short (1 hour) cocktail reception on the beach for the first dance/bouquet toss is a good one. It still isn't "etiquette approved" because guest should still have tables, but it is substantially better than the whole reception being without tables.

I'm not sure why she couldn't cut the cake at the restaurant. A small separate table is all she would need. Worst case, they could bring the cake out after dinner and make some room on the main table to cut the cake.

And you are totally right about limiting the entrees to choose from at the restaurant. Just have either the restaurant or her print up special menus for the wedding guests based on the entrees to choose from. Restaurants do that kind of stuff all the time.

Although more casual, at a previous job, I used to set up meeting lunches often. Many of the restaurants I used might have 20 or more things on the menu...but I'd send out a list of the 3-5 most popular options for the meeting attendees to choose from, primarily to keep things simpler, but also to keep people from ordering the Lobster Thermidor surf and turf combo.

lyndausvi · January 2015

As someone who did have a beach wedding (sort-of) she needs to check into some restrictions before she gets to deep into planning. I found a lot of towns do not allow ceremonies and receptions on the actual beach. Some allow ceremonies with limitations. I know some places I checked out in DE and NJ only gave you a 30 minute limit. That included setup and break down. Other beach communities have similar restrictions. Some places do not even allow chairs to be setup.

I said sort-of because a tropical storm hit on my wedding day. So I ended up getting married under a tent. The only reason I was going to be able to get married on the beach with chairs for all my guests was that I got married at private club. I would not have been able to do that at the public beach.

I would also add that public beaches are well... public. There is nothing you can do about the 200lb 80-year old dude in a speedo walking by. Or kids running around throwing sand. Sure people try and be respectful, but they have as much right to be on the beach as anyone else.

MGP · January 2015

lifeisajourney said:

Just an update- I met the bride for lunch this weekend and we talked about her wedding. I was able to talk her out of that beach house idea. She is going to block out some rooms at a nearby hotel instead and she is only inviting their immediate family, close friends, and SOs. We sat down and sketched out a rough guestlist. She has about 30 guests when it's all said and done. (8-30 sounds like a huge jump but the problem is she wasnt considering her family as "guests" dont even ask my why). Anyway, she is still considering a 1 pm ceremony and the reception is on the beach right after the ceremony with "heavy appetizers" chicken tenders, spinach dip, some other dip, meatballs, cheese and crackers, and fruit. I'm trying to talk her into doing a BBQ lunch because that can be catered for a reasonable cost. The issue is that her "wedding planner" has talked her into this package that is a "standing reception" there are no tables and chairs for the reception. There are only the chairs from the ceremony and a small tent that only has enough tables to hold the food. So essentially guests will be eating on their laps so I guess BBQ isnt the best idea. Any ideas ladies? Im trying to help my girl out here.

STUCK IN THE BOX

Great victory for getting her to include SO's and scrap the beach house. You are awesome!

Sorry, but this bride is still trying to do too much with too little. If she does not have a budget to have tables, chairs, and a time-appropriate refreshments for her guests who drove 5 hours to see her get married, then she just needs to elope. Oh, and fire that "wedding planner" that thinks no tables are acceptable.

esstee33 · January 2015

What the fuck is she doing hiring this idiot wedding planner when she can barely afford to host the minimum necessary to not be awful to her guests?

TBH, I wouldn't have any issue with the heavy apps you listed if I didn't have to also travel for the wedding. Then again, I will eat double my body weight in spinach dip, especially if there's pumpernickel to dip in it. MANA OF THE GODS.

I think the restaurant thing w/ a limited menu is her best bet. And firing her "wedding planner" who doesn't know how to actually plan weddings.

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