NWR: Funeral Thank Yous

ShesSoCold · January 2015

I need your opinion. My mom died in September and we've had a hard time getting thank you cards out. My stepdad had the cards and the guestbook and whenever we brought it up, he changed the subject and didn't want to talk about it. My sister and I finally got the guestbook and put all the addresses on a spreadsheet, per SD's request. He was going to have a friend who has a printing company print out labels for envelopes (yes, labels. get over it). SD accidentally washed the flash drive with the spreadsheet. It was several hours worth of work.

My sister and I did send thank yous to everyone who donated to her "in lieu of flowers" charity and those who sent flowers. Would you side eye us if we didn't send thank yous to everyone else?

larrygaga · January 2015

I would never expect a thank you from a grieving family. I say don't worry about it.

I'm sorry for your loss. Hugs!

chibiyui · January 2015

For just attending the funeral or viewing? Would not expect a thank you in any way.

Cookie Pusher · January 2015

I've never gotten a thank you just for attending a funeral or wake (only if I sent flowers/made a donation/went out of my way and did something for the family). I wouldn't side-eye if you didn't send a card just for attending.

pinkcow13 · January 2015

I'm sorry for your loss. I definitely would not side eye you if I didn't receive a Thank You. It's different circumstances, and I would not expect that from a grieving family.

blabla89 · January 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't worry about sending note to everyone else. I wouldn't expect a thank you note unless I went way out of my way to do or send something, and it sounds like you've already sent a note to those people.

maeday2 · January 2015

Receiving a thank you under these circumstances would never cross my mind.

You're a classy and thoughtful lady to send the ones you did send during such a difficult period. So sorry for your loss.

ShesSoCold · January 2015

Thanks ladies. My mom always told me not to sign guestbooks at funerals or wakes because then the family would have to send me a thank you LOL so I've only ever gotten them for donations or flowers.

I wonder if thank yous for going to the wake or funeral are regional or something...

holyguacamole79 · January 2015

I never expected nor received a thank you note for attending a funeral. When my grandpa died, we sent thank you notes to people who brought food or helped out. I also wrote thank you notes to the icu nurses, but we didn't explicitly thank everyone who attended.

levioosa · January 2015

I am so sorry for your loss.

I would never expect a thank you for attending. Honestly, even if I helped out I probably wouldn't expect one for a funeral. Now, helping out at another event? Yeah, a thank you would be nice. But funerals are a different story to me. If I am close enough to offer help, it means all I care about is taking care of you and your family so you can grieve. I personally would probably write thank you notes, but I would never expect them or get upset if I didn't receive them.

larrygaga · January 2015

Yeah I really only expect thank you notes for trivial things. Helping someone out in a hard time is not trivial.

huskypuppy14 · January 2015

I have never heard of sending a thank you to someone for attending the funeral (and I certainly have never received one). Thank yous should be sent out for the things you mentioned, but you already did that. Even if you didn't, I would never side eye it, like I would for a wedding or shower. It's a totally different situation.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

Aw, @ShesSoCold - big hugs... I'm so sorry.

I've never received a TY note for attending a funeral. Only when I've sent flowers or made a donation.

climbingsingle · January 2015

I'm sorry for your loss. I would never expect a TY for attending a wake or a funeral.

MairePoppy · January 2015

I'm sorry for your loss.

I wouldn't expect a thank you note for attending a wake or funeral.

larrygaga · January 2015

Would you guys all expect to get a thank-you for sending flowers or food? JW

lc07 · January 2015

SO sorry for your loss, OP. I think you've covered it with the notes you sent out. Signing the guestbook at a wake, IMO, is not the same thing as a sympathy card and does not require a thank you note.

larrygaga said:

Would you guys all expect to get a thank-you for sending flowers or food? JW

I would never expect one from anything funeral related but etiquette says you are to send thank you notes to those who send flowers, food, or even write you sympathy cards.

ETA: Just googled to check myself and found this from Miss Manners. Last Q/A on the page: http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-friends-dont-let-friends-drink-while-wearing-gloves/2013/03/26/707b0adc-925c-11e2-bdea-e32ad90da239_story.html

ShesSoCold · January 2015

Thanks everyone. My mom was my best friend and her cancer and death came out of nowhere. This is the hardest thing I've ever done and I keep thinking about that stupid guest book and how I don't want to do any more cards but I felt like I should. I'll go over the lists with my sister again to make sure we got all the flowers, donations, cards and additional help and move on. I just now remembered that a local restaurant donated a ton of food. I need to get that out ASAP. Thanks for finding that @lc07. Also funny/ironic that it's on the same page as someone asking about a "reception" years after the wedding.

theartistformerlyknownas · January 2015

I've never gotten a thank you card for anything funeral related, including flowers/donations/food. I've gotten prayer cards in the mail after signing the guest book, but not thank you cards.

photokitty · January 2015

I would never expect a thank you for attending the wake or funeral. Personal I would not judge not getting one for a donation, gift, flowers or food, but I was raised to send them after a funeral. I would not send then tp people who just came, that seems excessive. I'm so sorry for your loss.

missdelilah · January 2015

Personally, I don't come from a tradition that expects a thank you from grieving family. I'm sorry about the loss of your mum. I know how hard that one is.

Some people will side eye you, regardless of what you do, but don't feel pressured to send thank you notes. Only some of the guests went to the funeral for you, but most went for themselves and for your mother. Your mother can't send thank you notes. We ran in to the awkward situation of having people arrive at Mum's funeral who she certainly wouldn't have wanted there, and definitely wouldn't have wanted cards sent to. Therefore, I assume, it's sometimes a tough call.

I apologize if nothing I just said made sense. I'm on a lot of pain killers right now.

My love to you and your family. xx

firebabe6519 · January 2015

I'm sorry for you loss. Lots of T&PS for you and your family! I definitely would never expect grieving family members to send a thank you.

lc07 · January 2015

I cannot imagine what you are going through. *so many hugs*

hellohkb · January 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. Please know I am sending positive thoughts to you and your loved ones

That being said... I would never expect a thank you card from someone who is grieving. Not for attending or for flowers/food. Maybe I am overly sensitive to grief and I know you all will judge me, but I would not give a shit about etiquette (in this situation from a funeral goers perspective!). Someone's loved one just passed. I wouldn't be expecting a thank you. I would prefer they spend time with other loved ones and be in the grieving process rather than send me a note for the flowers I sent or whatever. However, that's just me.

hellosweetie1015 · January 2015

I'm so so sorry, op. I cannot imagine.

I would never expect a thank you card in this situation. Even if I brought flowers or food, I wouldn't. I've lost people - although never someone nearly as close as this - but I know I was not in a place of mind to think about thank-yous at that point. I would never expect someone else to be.

AddieCake · January 2015

I would never expect a thank you from a wake or funeral, nor have we sent them for one.

Jen4948 · January 2015

ShesSoCold said:
Thanks ladies. My mom always told me not to sign guestbooks at funerals or wakes because then the family would have to send me a thank you LOL so I've only ever gotten them for donations or flowers.

I wonder if thank yous for going to the wake or funeral are regional or something...

All signing a guestbook does is indicate that you attended the funeral. It doesn't "obligate" the family to send you a thank-you note. If you give flowers, donations, or send the family a condolence letter, I do think the family should send you a thank-you note, but I won't side-eye the absence of one.

danamw · January 2015

A thank you for simply attending may not be necessary, but I did it.

Not because I thought I had to, but I sent one to everyone because I was just glad they came. It wasn't about "have to" it was about wanting to. It wasn't even about etiquette, it was just that they took time out of their day. It was New Year's Eve day, as it happened.

It wasn't a huge turnout, but that wouldn't have mattered. I'm not saying anyone has to but it made me feel good.

huskypuppy14 · January 2015

So you're supposed send a thank you note if someone sends you a sympathy card? I've never heard of this before. I don't understand the logic. We don't send thank you cards to people who only give a congratulatory card at a wedding. Why would a funeral be different?

If someone gives flowers, food, or a donation, absolutely, but I've never received a thank you note (or given one) for a card, nor would I expect one.

danamw · January 2015

My mother had died, and it made me feel good to send a thank you to people who showed up at the funeral. I was in a sort of blur for a couple of days, and I still wanted to reach out and connect.

I wasn't thinking etiquette, and that isn't why I sent the cards. I didn't care if they expected it, or thought I was a freaking idiot for sending them a card.

They showed up at my mom's funeral and I wanted to tell them I appreciated that.

BrandNewJ · January 2015

I'm sorry for your loss. I think it's really noble that you and your sister want to thank those who were there for you and your family. With that said, I would never ever expect a thank you note from a grieving family.

As the giver, I also don't necessarily feel what I'm giving as a gift, but more a necessity. Giving food, donations, whatever, for me, is making sure the family is taken care of. Making sure my friends are safe while dealing with their grief. Sometimes, again for me, that means bringing food over, flowers to brighten up a space, or even just sitting there and grieving with the family. For the reasoning, aside from dealing with a loss, I would never expect a thank you note-- like bringing a sick friend soup and tissues. Take care of yourselves, don't worry about notes, this is an incredibly trying time in your lives.

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