Mom's guest list vs. the wedding I can afford!

[Deleted User] · January 2015

I am looking for advice on how to keep the peace. I'm having a huge issue with my guest list. Or actually, my mom's idea of what my guest list should be. She is adamant I invite every one of my 20+ first cousins (huge Irish catholic family. A guest list nightmare) plus her aunts/uncles I do not know well, and will not budge. She cannot help pay, and our budget is already small. My FI and I are paying for this completely by ourselves and cannot save very much for this one day, nor do we want to have to get loans. We desire a smaller wedding, under 100 people. I'd rather have friends I would have fun with at my wedding than extended family I see maybe once a year and that have said awful things about/to me. Am I wrong for putting my foot down, running the risk of her never letting this go? Or do I bite the bullet and somehow find the extra cash to invite people I don't have this strong connection to? Anyone else been through this extreme Catholic guilt trip?

mlg78 · January 2015

If mom isn't paying, she doesn't get any say.

NYCMercedes · January 2015

jgrace8611 said:

I am looking for advice on how to keep the peace. I'm having a huge issue with my guest list. Or actually, my mom's idea of what my guest list should be. She is adamant I invite every one of my 20+ first cousins (huge Irish catholic family. A guest list nightmare) plus her aunts/uncles I do not know well, and will not budge. She cannot help pay, and our budget is already small. My FI and I are paying for this completely by ourselves and cannot save very much for this one day, nor do we want to have to get loans. We desire a smaller wedding, under 100 people. I'd rather have friends I would have fun with at my wedding than extended family I see maybe once a year and that have said awful things about/to me. Am I wrong for putting my foot down, running the risk of her never letting this go? Or do I bite the bullet and somehow find the extra cash to invite people I don't have this strong connection to? Anyone else been through this extreme Catholic guilt trip?

Mom doesn't get to invite people to your party. Don't talk about the wedding anytime she is around. Don't tell her you can't afford to host them. Don't tell her how much the cost is per person (unless you double your figure). Don't engage with her.

lyndausvi · January 2015

mlg78 said:

If mom isn't paying, she doesn't get any say.

yep.

Sometimes you have to be blunt.

jacques27 · January 2015

Nope.

Your money, your invite list. A financial contribution from her would warrant some input into the guestlist (some, not complete control). Explain your budget and set your limits.

That said, I personally would go the route of allotting say 80% of my guest invites to who my FI and I want to invite (family and friends), and allow say 10% to each set of parents. That's just on my own relationship with my mother and my desire to allow her a plus one and a few other people who may be special to her but not necessarily on my list to witness/participate in this day, too. That's not based on etiquette standards or tradition - just my own simple thought that it's a nice thing to do.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

Thank you for the comments. I think this is one of those times when you know what needs to be done but need to "hear" it from others. I just wish people/mothers would remember the stress they were under and how they felt when they were brides and not inflict the same crap on their kid. :-/ thanks for letting me vent!

kaitlynmichelle · January 2015

If you are paying, you get to decide the guest list. Invite who you want, and if she keeps pushing the subject, tell her it is not up for discussion. You don't need to make excuses for your decisions.

AddieCake · January 2015

How ridiculous that she isn't paying but is trying to insist you spend money you don't have to invite people you are not even close to.

novella1186 · January 2015

AddieCake said:

How ridiculous that she isn't paying but is trying to insist you spend money you don't have to invite people you are not even close to.

This. Your mom is being ridiculous. She wants to push you and your FI into debt just to have all these extra people at your wedding? NOPE.

I didn't get Catholic guilt from my mom; I got Jewish guilt, which is a really fucking powerful dark art. We fought over the guest list for close to a year and she still nags me about it. I put my foot down, and stopped talking to her about wedding stuff.

Don't bring your wedding up (or if you do talk about the wedding, DON'T mention the guest list) around your mom. Just do what you and your FI need to do and can afford. If your mom brings it up, just tell her that you and your FI have it handled and then change the subject.

Stay strong! I know it's frustrating, but eventually she'll get past it.

ShesSoCold · January 2015

My MIL did everything she could think of to try to get us to invite her extended family to our wedding, including some shit that regular people wouldn't think of. We didn't budge and guess what? We all lived to tell.

Have the wedding you and your FI want and can afford. This isn't up to your mom.

flantastic · January 2015

jgrace8611 said:

I am looking for advice on how to keep the peace. I'm having a huge issue with my guest list. Or actually, my mom's idea of what my guest list should be. She is adamant I invite every one of my 20+ first cousins (huge Irish catholic family. A guest list nightmare) plus her aunts/uncles I do not know well, and will not budge. She cannot help pay, and our budget is already small. My FI and I are paying for this completely by ourselves and cannot save very much for this one day, nor do we want to have to get loans. We desire a smaller wedding, under 100 people. I'd rather have friends I would have fun with at my wedding than extended family I see maybe once a year and that have said awful things about/to me. Am I wrong for putting my foot down, running the risk of her never letting this go? Or do I bite the bullet and somehow find the extra cash to invite people I don't have this strong connection to? Anyone else been through this extreme Catholic guilt trip?

What PPs said: invite who you want and can afford.

Once it's over, you might get a few "oh, if only they'd been able to see the wedding" passive-aggressive comments (MIL is a pro at this). But on the whole, it'll be a non-issue (since nothing can be done) and I highly doubt she'll "never let it go" in the way you're imagining.

Jen4948 · January 2015

ShesSoCold said:
My MIL did everything she could think of to try to get us to invite her extended family to our wedding, including some shit that regular people wouldn't think of. We didn't budge and guess what? We all lived to tell.

Have the wedding you and your FI want and can afford. This isn't up to your mom.

I'm curious...what shit did she try that a regular person wouldn't think of?

huskypuppy14 · January 2015

novella1186 said:

AddieCake said:

How ridiculous that she isn't paying but is trying to insist you spend money you don't have to invite people you are not even close to.

This. Your mom is being ridiculous. She wants to push you and your FI into debt just to have all these extra people at your wedding? NOPE.

I didn't get Catholic guilt from my mom; I got Jewish guilt, which is a really fucking powerful dark art. We fought over the guest list for close to a year and she still nags me about it. I put my foot down, and stopped talking to her about wedding stuff.

Don't bring your wedding up (or if you do talk about the wedding, DON'T mention the guest list) around your mom. Just do what you and your FI need to do and can afford. If your mom brings it up, just tell her that you and your FI have it handled and then change the subject.

Stay strong! I know it's frustrating, but eventually she'll get past it.

Ha, my in laws are Jewish, and my MIL really tried to get extra people invited. We gave them a substantial amount of guests, more than they were paying for, and she still tried to invite so and sos sister. We finally said no, our guest list is final. She thinks our wedding was wonderful, so no extra guilt about it now (whew!).

jgrace8611 said:

Thank you for the comments. I think this is one of those times when you know what needs to be done but need to "hear" it from others. I just wish people/mothers would remember the stress they were under and how they felt when they were brides and not inflict the same crap on their kid. :-/ thanks for letting me vent!

My parents were awesome. They paid for almost all of the reception, and they asked for 2 extra guests (done no problem!).

My parents fully believe in "it's the bride and groom's wedding- within reason of course). When they got married, my grandfather wanted to input all his control into the wedding, so they said no thank you we are paying for the wedding ourselves. They didn't want to do things his way, so they took care of it themselves, and had a smaller wedding. My grandfather ended up paying the caterer anyway, which was really nice of him.

OP, I know it's hard, but tell your mom no.

ShesSoCold · January 2015

Jen4948 said:

My MIL did everything she could think of to try to get us to invite her extended family to our wedding, including some shit that regular people wouldn't think of. We didn't budge and guess what? We all lived to tell.

Have the wedding you and your FI want and can afford. This isn't up to your mom.
I'm curious...what shit did she try that a regular person wouldn't think of?

She did the regular temper tantrum (said horrible things to H) and threatening to boycott. After that she asked nicely and offered money (like we'd take any money after her previous bullshit). When that didn't work, she threatened to have a vow renewal the day before our wedding at the same location so her family would already be there and they'd "HAVE" to be invited. We told her to have a good time and recommended the prime rib. She then said she removed H as executor of her will, hoping we'd kiss her ass because she has money.

Then, when we cancelled the DW altogether because my mom was dying, she commented that we were willing to change our plans for my mother but not her.

She's a peach.

allispain · January 2015

ShesSoCold said:

Jen4948 said:

My MIL did everything she could think of to try to get us to invite her extended family to our wedding, including some shit that regular people wouldn't think of. We didn't budge and guess what? We all lived to tell.

Have the wedding you and your FI want and can afford. This isn't up to your mom.
I'm curious...what shit did she try that a regular person wouldn't think of?

She did the regular temper tantrum (said horrible things to H) and threatening to boycott. After that she asked nicely and offered money (like we'd take any money after her previous bullshit). When that didn't work, she threatened to have a vow renewal the day before our wedding at the same location so her family would already be there and they'd "HAVE" to be invited. We told her to have a good time and recommended the prime rib. She then said she removed H as executor of her will, hoping we'd kiss her ass because she has money.

Then, when we cancelled the DW altogether because my mom was dying, she commented that we were willing to change our plans for my mother but not her.

She's a peach.

Understatement of the year. Holy ever-loving Batman, that lady is insane.

blabla89 · January 2015

We had the same issue with my FMIL. She was upset that her family was "under-represented on the guest list" (because we rarely ever see her extended family) and after a couple temper tantrums, she got over it. Put your foot down, there may be some guilt but it will pass.

Just tell her, "Mom, FI and I have decided that we really aren't comfortable with a large wedding, and would prefer a smaller one. The guest list is finalized so there's no need to discuss it any further." Or you can tell her that you have space for her to invite X number of people, and ask her to give you a list. Be careful about citing budget as the main reason - she may offer to give money for more guests, but that also gives her influence over your planning

penguin44 · January 2015

ShesSoCold said:

Jen4948 said:

My MIL did everything she could think of to try to get us to invite her extended family to our wedding, including some shit that regular people wouldn't think of. We didn't budge and guess what? We all lived to tell.

Have the wedding you and your FI want and can afford. This isn't up to your mom.
I'm curious...what shit did she try that a regular person wouldn't think of?

She did the regular temper tantrum (said horrible things to H) and threatening to boycott. After that she asked nicely and offered money (like we'd take any money after her previous bullshit). When that didn't work, she threatened to have a vow renewal the day before our wedding at the same location so her family would already be there and they'd "HAVE" to be invited. We told her to have a good time and recommended the prime rib. She then said she removed H as executor of her will, hoping we'd kiss her ass because she has money.

Then, when we cancelled the DW altogether because my mom was dying, she commented that we were willing to change our plans for my mother but not her.

She's a peach.

WOW.

ShesSoCold · January 2015

allispain said:

ShesSoCold said:

Jen4948 said:

My MIL did everything she could think of to try to get us to invite her extended family to our wedding, including some shit that regular people wouldn't think of. We didn't budge and guess what? We all lived to tell.

Have the wedding you and your FI want and can afford. This isn't up to your mom.
I'm curious...what shit did she try that a regular person wouldn't think of?

She did the regular temper tantrum (said horrible things to H) and threatening to boycott. After that she asked nicely and offered money (like we'd take any money after her previous bullshit). When that didn't work, she threatened to have a vow renewal the day before our wedding at the same location so her family would already be there and they'd "HAVE" to be invited. We told her to have a good time and recommended the prime rib. She then said she removed H as executor of her will, hoping we'd kiss her ass because she has money.

Then, when we cancelled the DW altogether because my mom was dying, she commented that we were willing to change our plans for my mother but not her.

She's a peach.

Understatement of the year. Holy ever-loving Batman, that lady is insane.

I wish I was making this up. And somehow she doesn't understand why H didn't want to spend the holidays with her.

I'm just happy that H is distancing himself from her so he doesn't have to deal with her and let her make him feel bad.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

You are all absolutely right. If she can't get past it, then I need to be the bigger person when comments are made. I'm sorry for those that had to deal with monsters-in-law and the awful shitty jerks. Thankfully no one is acting that badly, but there's still another year and a half before the wedding...

Jen4948 · January 2015

ShesSoCold said:

Jen4948 said:

ShesSoCold said:
My MIL did everything she could think of to try to get us to invite her extended family to our wedding, including some shit that regular people wouldn't think of. We didn't budge and guess what? We all lived to tell.

Have the wedding you and your FI want and can afford. This isn't up to your mom.
I'm curious...what shit did she try that a regular person wouldn't think of?

She did the regular temper tantrum (said horrible things to H) and threatening to boycott. After that she asked nicely and offered money (like we'd take any money after her previous bullshit). When that didn't work, she threatened to have a vow renewal the day before our wedding at the same location so her family would already be there and they'd "HAVE" to be invited. We told her to have a good time and recommended the prime rib. She then said she removed H as executor of her will, hoping we'd kiss her ass because she has money.

Then, when we cancelled the DW altogether because my mom was dying, she commented that we were willing to change our plans for my mother but not her.

She's a peach.

What a piece of work. I can say nothing nicer about your MIL. I'm sorry you had to deal with all that shit.

kitsunegari89 · January 2015

My parents paid for my wedding, so they got to heavily influence the guest list. If mom isn't ponying up, she can make suggestions all she likes but the final decisions are up to you (and your budget). Them's the rules.

wrigleyville · January 2015

Jen4948 said:

My MIL did everything she could think of to try to get us to invite her extended family to our wedding, including some shit that regular people wouldn't think of. We didn't budge and guess what? We all lived to tell.

Have the wedding you and your FI want and can afford. This isn't up to your mom.
I'm curious...what shit did she try that a regular person wouldn't think of?

In addition to @ShesSoCold's nightmare, there was that bride a while back who had to corral her FMIL after FMIL photocopied the invitation (once she received hers) and sent the copies to a bunch of friends and relatives.

Jen4948 · January 2015

wrigleyville said:

Jen4948 said:

ShesSoCold said:
My MIL did everything she could think of to try to get us to invite her extended family to our wedding, including some shit that regular people wouldn't think of. We didn't budge and guess what? We all lived to tell.

Have the wedding you and your FI want and can afford. This isn't up to your mom.
I'm curious...what shit did she try that a regular person wouldn't think of?

In addition to @ShesSoCold's nightmare, there was that bride a while back who had to corral her FMIL after FMIL photocopied the invitation (once she received hers) and sent the copies to a bunch of friends and relatives.

Yeah, I remember. But I'd think that no one would take a photocopied invitation from a non-host seriously-or they shouldn't, anyway. Yeah, I know there are people who do. Annoying.

SP29 · January 2015

@Shessocold- WOW!.

OP- Agree with the above, you are paying for the wedding, you get the say. I would stop discussing the wedding with your mom. At this point, it is way too early to be finalizing the guest list. You can brush her off by telling her, "we'll consider it" but at some point you will have to say, "The guest list has been chosen and it's final".

Another option, is once you and FI have decided on your list (IF you still have space according to your budget), you can tell your mom to provide you with a guest list of X number of people whom she'd like to have invited. Make her choose who is most important. And, even though she gives you a list doesn't mean you have to invite every person on it, it is a list for you to consider.

Mom's guest list vs. the wedding I can afford!

Re: Mom's guest list vs. the wedding I can afford!

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