How do you tell...

Re: How do you tell...

• novella1186 member

  

  January 2015

  I don't see what's wrong with her looking at pretty things and fantasizing a bit about something she wants. I pin super expensive cars on pinterest sometimes because it's fun and they're pretty to look at, but the thought of buying one is absolutely unrealistic to me right now. Doesn't mean I shouldn't get to enjoy pretending I'm in the market for one. 

  
  

  And, I don't know many guys that hang out on pinterest. So it's not like she's scaring away potential dating partners by pinning stuff. Guys aren't gonna specifically look her up on there and be all "omg ew! look at her, pinning wedding shit! Run!" My FI doesn't even know what pinterest is, and 100% of the guys I know IRL say they've never been on there because they have no interest in it, since they think it's "all girl stuff." 

  
  

  Let her have fun. Calling her desperate for pinning stuff sounds kind of mean to me. 

  

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  January 2015

  classicalandedgy said:

  one of your best friends, that she should keep her "wedding board" on Pintrest private, when she is not in a relationship much less engaged?  I love her and don't want to hurt her feelings.  I know how much she is bothered that she has never been married or in a serious relationship (she's 36), but it is just starting to feel desperate, she's an amazing person with a great spirit and I just don't want her to be perceived poorly.  I'm talking regular posts by the way, not an occasional random pin. 

  You don't. Stay far, far away from that one. There's no harm in it. It's not like she's booking venues.

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• NowIamMrsKlein member

  

  January 2015

  I would leave it alone. People can pin whatever they want. So she likes to pin pretty wedding related stuff? How does this affect you in any way? If you are perceiving her as desperate because of this, that's on you.
  
  I pin workout exercises and healthy recipes all the time, but I am the laziest person in the world. If a friend of mine told me I should keep that board private because it's coming across as desperate since I don't work out and like delicious cheesy food, I would take that badly. Because it's my life, my pins and it's not harming anyone.

  
  

  Let the poor girl dream.

  

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• wandajune6 member

  

  January 2015

  I see 2 options:
  
  1. Talk to her about secret boards. As in "did you know about the secret boards on Pinterest? I'm a little late to the game but I love I can post all of my embarrassing XYZ stuff here without everyone seeing how geeky I am."
  
  2. Leave it alone. It's a harmless fantasy to indulge in. Heck, by the time she's ready to get married, most of the ideas will be outdated anyway. I'm struggling to find a way to say anything to her about it that won't be needlessly hurtful.
  

  

  

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• maeday2 member

  

  January 2015

  When Pinterest first began, you'd be hard pressed to find a female who didn't have a wedding board regardless of relationship status. People like pretties. 

  
  

  Leave it alone. If that makes her happy, that makes her happy. It's hurting no one. 

  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  January 2015

  I would maybe casually bring up that Pinterest now has a feature of private boards. But after that:

  
  

  
  

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• pinkcow13 member

  

  January 2015

  I would leave it alone. It's really her business. I was on TK before I was engaged, and I had a wedding board on pinterest shortly after (yea, I kept it secret, but still). I also designed my "dream" engagement ring at 16 (5 carats, 3 stone, princess cut, platinum band. Don't judge). I was by no means desperate, I just always loved weddings. I also have multi million dollar mansions on my pinterest board under their own board. Pinterest is supposed to be fun, like FB, and not to be taken too seriously.No need to think your friend is desparate,

                               

  

  
  

   

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• classicalandedgy member

  

  January 2015

  The problem is that some people have commented on it, personally, like you all said I think dreaming is great.  From a psychological aspect though, I think it's more damaging than mere dreaming, and at points she goes through some serious bouts of depression about it.  I guess desperate is the wrong word, perhaps unhealthy is better.   She is pretty vocal about wanting to be in a relationship and get married, I wish that for her too, she's great. But between being so vocal and pinning, yes people are seeing and commenting especially since her pintrest account with linked with her FB.   

  But perhaps I do stay away from this one, it's just hard to see a good friend driving herself crazy by purposely seeking out things that make her depressed and then sharing it with a bunch of random people.    

  Maybe my problem is more with social media, I do think that for some it's harmful when you begin to obsess over what other people have or are doing, rather than being present in your own life. 

  

   

   

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  January 2015

  People can pin whatever they want. 

  
  It's not your business to tell her what she is doing is wrong. People pin things when they see a good idea. I don't have children, but I would pin something that is related to kids and put it in the board "in the future" or something like that, if I thought it was a cool idea. It doesn't mean I'm desperate.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• classicalandedgy member

  

  January 2015

  pinkcow13 said:

  I would leave it alone. It's really her business. I was on TK before I was engaged, and I had a wedding board on pinterest shortly after (yea, I kept it secret, but still). I also designed my "dream" engagement ring at 16 (5 carats, 3 stone, princess cut, platinum band. Don't judge). I was by no means desperate, I just always loved weddings. I also have multi million dollar mansions on my pinterest board under their own board. Pinterest is supposed to be fun, like FB, and not to be taken too seriously.No need to think your friend is desparate,

  
  This all sounds harmless and you kept your board secret.  I guess I just want her to be more careful with whom she's sharing information. 

  

   

   

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• charcoalandblush member

  

  January 2015

  I agree with the previous posters. I've had a wedding board since I first got a pinterest. Before I was engaged, it was more of a way to keep track of things I saw - when I was pinning 800 crock pot chili recipes, I might come across a pretty bouquet and think "ooh I might want to remember that!" The same way I've pinned a zillion pairs of shoes I'll never be able to afford/walk in.

  
  

  I actually made my wedding board private AFTER I got engaged and it became more of a planning tool than an idle "look at these pretty things!"

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• Couggal12 member

  

  January 2015

  classicalandedgy said:

  one of your best friends, that she should keep her "wedding board" on Pintrest private, when she is not in a relationship much less engaged?  I love her and don't want to hurt her feelings.  I know how much she is bothered that she has never been married or in a serious relationship (she's 36), but it is just starting to feel desperate, she's an amazing person with a great spirit and I just don't want her to be perceived poorly.  I'm talking regular posts by the way, not an occasional random pin. 

  Yeah, I don't see any harm in doing things like this on Pinterest. It's not like she hired a wedding coordinator or is actively seeking out vendors. I pin things all the time about future children ideas even though I'm not actively TTC. I don't see it as being desperate, just something fun to do. 

  

  
  

  
  

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• thisismynickname2 member

  

  January 2015

  Google her. See if her Pinterest page pops up.

  
  

  Then be all, "OMG... I googled myself and found my own Pinterest page. Luckily it allows you to remove yourself from search engines. Did you know that? I'm so glad I realized that!"

  
  

  If she at least isn't showing up in search engines, a potential suitor who googles her before a date shouldn't see it and freak out that she's wedding obsessed, if that's what you're worried about. You mentioned "perceived poorly" so I think privacy would help.  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  January 2015

  classicalandedgy said:

  pinkcow13 said:

  I would leave it alone. It's really her business. I was on TK before I was engaged, and I had a wedding board on pinterest shortly after (yea, I kept it secret, but still). I also designed my "dream" engagement ring at 16 (5 carats, 3 stone, princess cut, platinum band. Don't judge). I was by no means desperate, I just always loved weddings. I also have multi million dollar mansions on my pinterest board under their own board. Pinterest is supposed to be fun, like FB, and not to be taken too seriously.No need to think your friend is desparate,

  
  This all sounds harmless and you kept your board secret.  I guess I just want her to be more careful with whom she's sharing information. 

  That's all well and good, but she's an adult. You can't control what she tries to post on social media. Again, leave it alone. 

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• novella1186 member

  

  January 2015

  classicalandedgy said:

  The problem is that some people have commented on it, personally, like you all said I think dreaming is great.  From a psychological aspect though, I think it's more damaging than mere dreaming, and at points she goes through some serious bouts of depression about it.  I guess desperate is the wrong word, perhaps unhealthy is better.   She is pretty vocal about wanting to be in a relationship and get married, I wish that for her too, she's great. But between being so vocal and pinning, yes people are seeing and commenting especially since her pintrest account with linked with her FB.   

  But perhaps I do stay away from this one, it's just hard to see a good friend driving herself crazy by purposely seeking out things that make her depressed and then sharing it with a bunch of random people.    

  Maybe my problem is more with social media, I do think that for some it's harmful when you begin to obsess over what other people have or are doing, rather than being present in your own life. 

  So it sounds like the real issue is not her playing in pinterest. It's her feeling bad because she really really wants a lasting relationship and just hasn't found one yet. Stopping her from pinning stuff treats a symptom, not the actual problem. 

  
  

  Why don't you try to help her get into the dating game, or have fun girls nights out with her so she doesn't feel so lonely? I had a friend in her place and friend would vent to me all the time about how lonely she was and how bad she wanted a relationship. Every time she met a guy, she came on so strong so suddenly that she chased him away because she REALLY wanted to date someone. 

  
  

  I finally told her she might want to talk to a counselor about her loneliness because I 100% believe that talking to a professional about something that's really hurting you/making you feel bad can be a great benefit. I worded it in a way that she knew I was criticizing her or insulting her, and she actually agreed and saw a counselor, and then felt much better about the situation. 

  

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• mikenberger member

  

  January 2015

  classicalandedgy said:

  one of your best friends, that she should keep her "wedding board" on Pintrest private, when she is not in a relationship much less engaged?  I love her and don't want to hurt her feelings.  I know how much she is bothered that she has never been married or in a serious relationship (she's 36), but it is just starting to feel desperate, she's an amazing person with a great spirit and I just don't want her to be perceived poorly.  I'm talking regular posts by the way, not an occasional random pin. 

  When she starts purchasing said things, worry. One of the wedding Facebook swaps I'm a part of, some woman bought a dress 20 years ago, hoping to use it one day. She never got to wear it so she's attempting to sell it. But it's quite dated and she's stuck with it. 

  
  

  Until then, don't rain on her parade.

  
  

  
  

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  January 2015

  classicalandedgy said:

  The problem is that some people have commented on it, personally, like you all said I think dreaming is great.  From a psychological aspect though, I think it's more damaging than mere dreaming, and at points she goes through some serious bouts of depression about it.  I guess desperate is the wrong word, perhaps unhealthy is better.   She is pretty vocal about wanting to be in a relationship and get married, I wish that for her too, she's great. But between being so vocal and pinning, yes people are seeing and commenting especially since her pintrest account with linked with her FB.   

  But perhaps I do stay away from this one, it's just hard to see a good friend driving herself crazy by purposely seeking out things that make her depressed and then sharing it with a bunch of random people.    

  Maybe my problem is more with social media, I do think that for some it's harmful when you begin to obsess over what other people have or are doing, rather than being present in your own life. 

  Are you a psychologist? Are you HER psychologist? If not, it's still not for you to judge.

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  January 2015

  So I am only allowed to pin things that I can definitely afford and obtain now?  Guess I will need to delete a shit load of pins then.

  
  

  OP, your friend is not hurting anyone.  When I was younger my sister and I would look at bridal magazines and collect pictures of dresses that we liked.  This is pretty much the same thing.  Hell I have pinned dream home architectural plans that unless I win the lottery I certainly won't be building any time in the near or far or ever future.  There is nothing wrong pinning things that you like or dream for.  She isn't booking venues, buying invites or making guest lists.  Leave her alone.

  
  

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• beethery member

  

  January 2015

  classicalandedgy said:

  one of your best friends, that she should keep her "wedding board" on Pintrest private, when she is not in a relationship much less engaged?  I love her and don't want to hurt her feelings.  I know how much she is bothered that she has never been married or in a serious relationship (she's 36), but it is just starting to feel desperate, she's an amazing person with a great spirit and I just don't want her to be perceived poorly.  I'm talking regular posts by the way, not an occasional random pin. 

  I know people with nursery styling boards that plan to never ever ever have children. Some people just like to play dollhouse with ideas and it is totally fine.

  
  

  Don't say anything to your friend, it would not be ok.

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  I'm the fuck out.

  
  

  
  

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• Couggal12 member

  

  January 2015

  Also, OP, she's pinning wedding stuff. She's not posting her social security number or address all over the internet. So to say you're worried just seems odd. Unless she's out purchasing a dress, and has a venue booked who really cares? 

  

  
  

  
  

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• jenna8984 member

  

  January 2015

  My best friend is in massive debt (like 6 figures) and she's always pinning these million dollar log cabin estates that she wants to live in. I don't say a word!

                                                                   

  
  

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• maeday2 member

  

  January 2015

  I had fun making a Disney princess. It doesn't mean I have dreams and fantasies of being a pretty princess. 

  

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• classicalandedgy member

  

  January 2015

  novella1186 said:

  classicalandedgy said:

  The problem is that some people have commented on it, personally, like you all said I think dreaming is great.  From a psychological aspect though, I think it's more damaging than mere dreaming, and at points she goes through some serious bouts of depression about it.  I guess desperate is the wrong word, perhaps unhealthy is better.   She is pretty vocal about wanting to be in a relationship and get married, I wish that for her too, she's great. But between being so vocal and pinning, yes people are seeing and commenting especially since her pintrest account with linked with her FB.   

  But perhaps I do stay away from this one, it's just hard to see a good friend driving herself crazy by purposely seeking out things that make her depressed and then sharing it with a bunch of random people.    

  Maybe my problem is more with social media, I do think that for some it's harmful when you begin to obsess over what other people have or are doing, rather than being present in your own life. 

  So it sounds like the real issue is not her playing in pinterest. It's her feeling bad because she really really wants a lasting relationship and just hasn't found one yet. Stopping her from pinning stuff treats a symptom, not the actual problem. 

  
  

  Why don't you try to help her get into the dating game, or have fun girls nights out with her so she doesn't feel so lonely? I had a friend in her place and friend would vent to me all the time about how lonely she was and how bad she wanted a relationship. Every time she met a guy, she came on so strong so suddenly that she chased him away because she REALLY wanted to date someone. 

  
  

  I finally told her she might want to talk to a counselor about her loneliness because I 100% believe that talking to a professional about something that's really hurting you/making you feel bad can be a great benefit. I worded it in a way that she knew I was criticizing her or insulting her, and she actually agreed and saw a counselor, and then felt much better about the situation. 

  
  I think it may be a similar issue.  We have talked about that too.  She does date, quite often actually, but things just never seem to work out.  Of course what I'm getting is one sided from her, but it sounds like she comes off a bit intense, or conversely accepts what she really doesn't want, then when she can't take it anymore she looses her shit.  She is in therapy but has been for a long time and it just doesn't seem to be making a difference here.  We talk about it often, and yes pinning is just a symptom of a greater problem, like you suggested. 

  I believe in incremental change, and was just hoping if I could get her to stop looking at so much wedding related stuff, it could possibly be a step in the right direction.

   

  But it just sounds like this is best left alone...  I certainly don't want to hurt her and make her feel badly. 

  

   

   

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  January 2015

  maeday2 said:

  I had fun making a Disney princess. It doesn't mean I have dreams and fantasies of being a pretty princess. 

  Um, I do.

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• flantastic member

  

  January 2015

  My thought is, if her Pinterest is linked to her FB, she may even want people to see. I don't think she'd thinks she looks desperate, just terribly unlucky in love and a great planner "for when the RIGHT guy finally comes along."

  Sometimes people are truly absurdly unlucky in love, and most other times they don't know how to be okay with themselves or how to be in a relationship, which as PPs have pointed out is a separate issue - an issue you're neither able to diagnose nor solve by pointing out either the symptom (Pinterest) or the underlying issue itself.

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• maeday2 member

  

  January 2015

  lolo883 said:

  maeday2 said:

  I had fun making a Disney princess. It doesn't mean I have dreams and fantasies of being a pretty princess. 

  Um, I do.

  
  

  
  

  

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• classicalandedgy member

  

  January 2015

    

  lolo883 said:

  classicalandedgy said:

  The problem is that some people have commented on it, personally, like you all said I think dreaming is great.  From a psychological aspect though, I think it's more damaging than mere dreaming, and at points she goes through some serious bouts of depression about it.  I guess desperate is the wrong word, perhaps unhealthy is better.   She is pretty vocal about wanting to be in a relationship and get married, I wish that for her too, she's great. But between being so vocal and pinning, yes people are seeing and commenting especially since her pintrest account with linked with her FB.   

  But perhaps I do stay away from this one, it's just hard to see a good friend driving herself crazy by purposely seeking out things that make her depressed and then sharing it with a bunch of random people.    

  Maybe my problem is more with social media, I do think that for some it's harmful when you begin to obsess over what other people have or are doing, rather than being present in your own life. 

  Are you a psychologist? Are you HER psychologist? If not, it's still not for you to judge.

  It's not about judgment... That's why I admitted that "desperate" was a poor choice of word.  It's more about that I know that she is hurting on some level, and when you care about some one it's natural  to want to help them.  But, I agree with most of the posters this is probably something I need to let her work out on her own. 
  

  

   

   

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  January 2015

  classicalandedgy said:

    

  lolo883 said:

  classicalandedgy said:

  The problem is that some people have commented on it, personally, like you all said I think dreaming is great.  From a psychological aspect though, I think it's more damaging than mere dreaming, and at points she goes through some serious bouts of depression about it.  I guess desperate is the wrong word, perhaps unhealthy is better.   She is pretty vocal about wanting to be in a relationship and get married, I wish that for her too, she's great. But between being so vocal and pinning, yes people are seeing and commenting especially since her pintrest account with linked with her FB.   

  But perhaps I do stay away from this one, it's just hard to see a good friend driving herself crazy by purposely seeking out things that make her depressed and then sharing it with a bunch of random people.    

  Maybe my problem is more with social media, I do think that for some it's harmful when you begin to obsess over what other people have or are doing, rather than being present in your own life. 

  Are you a psychologist? Are you HER psychologist? If not, it's still not for you to judge.

  It's not about judgment... That's why I admitted that "desperate" was a poor choice of word.  It's more about that I know that she is hurting on some level, and when you care about some one it's natural  to want to help them.  But, I agree with most of the posters this is probably something I need to let her work out on her own. 
  

  I mean "judge" in the sense of making a determination. You made a determination that what she's doing is harmful. That's not your decision to make. Give your friend the benefit of the doubt that if something is hurtful to her, she will stop.

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• KatieinBkln member

  

  January 2015

  I think the pinning is the actual last thing to worry about/talk to her about. If you feel like she is sad, maybe do something fun/happy with her. If you notice something specific that she says in a conversation about being lonely, then maybe you can open up the conversation, starting with "Is there anything I can do? I hate to see you so sad."

  
  

  But I don't know why, of all the things that seem to be worrying you, you would take aim at the Pinterest board. It's sort of like finding out someone you love is a hoarder and focusing on the fact that her lawn has lots of dandelions.

  
  

  This baby knows exactly how I feel

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• larrygaga member

  

  January 2015

  classicalandedgy said:

  The problem is that some people have commented on it, personally, like you all said I think dreaming is great.  From a psychological aspect though, I think it's more damaging than mere dreaming, and at points she goes through some serious bouts of depression about it.  I guess desperate is the wrong word, perhaps unhealthy is better.   She is pretty vocal about wanting to be in a relationship and get married, I wish that for her too, she's great. But between being so vocal and pinning, yes people are seeing and commenting especially since her pintrest account with linked with her FB.   

  But perhaps I do stay away from this one, it's just hard to see a good friend driving herself crazy by purposely seeking out things that make her depressed and then sharing it with a bunch of random people.    

  Maybe my problem is more with social media, I do think that for some it's harmful when you begin to obsess over what other people have or are doing, rather than being present in your own life. 

  "psychological aspect "
  
  Don't even fucking go there.

  
  

  
  

  
  

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