Need advice!

Re: Need advice!

• Pellegcm member

  

  January 2015

  AJKiss said:

  So our wedding is in July 2015. After the excitement of the engagement began to settle down, my mom and my fiance's parents sat down with us and offered to pay for the wedding. They agreed to a budget and that each side would pay half. We have already signed contracts and put down payments/deposits on most of our vendors. This money has come from my mom. My fiance's parents have not helped to pay anything so far. 

  
  

  Recently, my future in laws decided to start making comments about how "we are forgetting who is paying for the wedding" when they don't agree with our decisions. A few days ago, my future mother in law texted my fiance and said that they don't agree with some of the life choices we have made (financed a new vehicle and moving back to my mom's to save money to get a house). And because they don't like what we are doing they are withdrawing their offer to pay half of the wedding and will now only cover half of the reception cost and the DJ...this would be about 65% of what was originally agreed upon.

  
  

  I'm freaking out! My fiance wants to sit down and talk to them which we can't do for a few days. With trying to save for our own home, we can't afford to cover what we are already paying for and the other 35% of their part. My fiance's mother has been controlling from the start, but I think it is crossing the line when threatening to not cover the agreed costs. My initial reaction is to just cancel the wedding and have them cover the losses, but then that's a lose-lose situation. I'm just not sure what to do and my fiance is hurt by this whole situation. 

  
  

  Has anyone else been through a similar situation? Any opinions? 

  JIC

  
  

  Unfortunately, you should never count on money that you do not physically have in hand. I know you were booking things on good faith, but if you and your FI knew that his parents were controlling then you probably should have thought twice about accepting money from them. 

  
  

  No doubt that this situation sucks, and I'm really sorry. Have they already paid deposits for the things they said they would cover? If not, you need to continue on as if they are contributing zero dollars. Is there anything you can cut back on? Flowers for example? There are always little things that can be cut down on. 

  
  

  
  

  

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• whytxrabbit member

  

  January 2015

  They have not put money towards anything so far. They just started turning nasty the last few weeks. We most definitely would not have thought they would threaten us like this. But you're right - lesson learned...we're not moving forward with our planning till we figure out this situation and the money is in our hands. I've been going through our things trying to figure out where to cut back in case this situation doesn't end well. 

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• Heffalump member

  

  January 2015

  Did I read that correctly?  Are you living in your mother's house?
  

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• *Barbie* member

  

  January 2015

  how old are you and your FI? It sounds like you have a lot of maturing to do. 

  
  

  rule #1: do not count on any money unless you physically have it in hand

  rule #2: do not accept money from people if you are not willing to accept the strings attached

  
  

  Consider completely scaling back your wedding to what you can afford. Don't harass the fILs for money - if they changed their mind about contributing, that's their prerogative. They may have other reasons for not wanting to do so that they haven't shared with you. Regardless of their reasoning, it's their money, they can spend it how they want. 

  
  

  *raised eyebrows* at living with your parents and at financing a new car while not being able to pay for your own place to live. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  January 2015

  
  

  Are you going to live with mom after you get married? 

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• whytxrabbit member

  

  January 2015

  Well, since people want to know the whole story...

  
  

  My fiance and I just graduated college. We were originally going to wait another year to pay for the wedding ourselves. Our parents said "no, no, we will pay for it" because they wanted it in 2015. My fiance and I were living on our own for the last 6 months - rent was eating up a good portion of our income and was making it hard to save to help with the wedding and for a house. We both received job offers back in my home town so we chose to move. Moving back in with my mom helps us save more money - not because we couldn't afford to live on our own. We got a newer more reliable vehicle because the old vehicle was becoming unsafe (which my fiance's dad agreed with beforehand). 

  To address the whole string attached comment: I'm not sure how these things are strings attached? Letting them decide what flowers we get or picking our DJ is something I can deal with...not sure why you would make that comment....letting them dictate where I can live or where I can work is a bit extreme.

  Living with my mom is temporary so we can adjust to our new jobs and look for a house. We planned on being out before the wedding. But obviously that may change if we need to pay for more of our wedding. 

  Harassment is not part of our plan. We're just sad that his parents are doing this. They want to talk to us in person. I've put everything on hold till we figure out the situation. And as everyone has mentioned - yes, we learned our lesson about not counting on money unless it is in our hands. 

  
  

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• MNNEBride member

  

  January 2015

  The strings are you make life choices that your future inlaws agree with and they will pay all the money they agreed on.  You aren't making those life choices so they are pulling some of the money. The strings don't have to be wedding related and you don't have to agree but those are the requirements they have put on using their money.

  

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• whytxrabbit member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  I can see your point of view on that. When we first told them that we were moving they acted like they were happy for us...it was the day we started moving that they dropped the bomb. Either way, the situation is a mess right now.

  
  

  I came to the community seeking advice on how to handle the situation. Not so people could remark on the mistakes that have been made.Thank you to the people who gave some advice. 

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  January 2015

  Take this with the care it's intended - but having "the rest of the story" helps people understand what's the best advice to give, especially here because there's always multiple sides to the story.  By filling in some of those blanks it helps not only give advice for your present situation, but also so in the future you're prepared for these types of things to happen again because it's a family dynamic with the best prediction of future behavior being past behavior and this helps know because it's a lot less stressful to plan during future life events. 

  I have no qualms about purchasing a decent vehicle so you have reliable transportation, but my guess is that is the straw that broke the camel's back since you're trying to save up money on the Future IL end (instead of getting a used vehicle from someone's front yard that you could pay cash for).  As for staying with your Mom, I don't have an issue with that either because it's a temporary situation and by the time you're house hunting will put you into a significantly better spot. 

  That said, my advice is this, keep saving up for the new house "as if" you're paying rent.  The more money you put down on a house the less you're going to pay over the lifetime of a home loan.  When it comes to the wedding, a weekend-long event, you've got contracts that you've signed that are "set" expenses (hall rental, photographer - at the end of the day this is the one thing you have to remember so I'm not suggesting cutting back too much here).  Things like bakers, florists, caterers, etc. all typically expect a final "change" in the order once the final budget gets put into place along with a finalized guest count. Cut back on the guest count is the quickest and simplest way to save money.  200 guests is a lot cheaper to feed and buy centerpieces for than 400 even if the site holds 400.  Invitations also are another way to save coin - DIY kits on clearance for $5 for 30 invites, it's a cheap way to get the job done yet look nice.  Have the wedding you can afford, and as others said, unless you've got money or a credit card in-hand, assume you don't have that money for the budget.  Planning a wedding you can't afford and will be paying off forever is not the way to go.  At the end of the day, remember all you need to be married is you/FI, marriage license, witness, and officiant, otherwise the rest is window dressing.  "Half" of the reception cost IS what things like the baker, caterer, DJ, etc. all are.  Talk to them and figure out where things are at.  Open up the lines of communication in real life, none of this texting business, pick up the phone, and never assume. 

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