Engagment party but no reception

Cessi02 · January 2015

Hi everyone, I am new to this discussion forum. My fiancé and I got engaged last January and we were saving for a big wedding this September. We actually hosted an engagement party last November but we recently decided that a big wedding wasn't what we wanted. We were only planning for a larger wedding because my mom absolutely refused to be a part of our big day if we had gone with a destination wedding like we originally planned. So now, being less than 9 months away from our BIG day we want to cancel everything and just do a small intimate wedding with close family and a few good friends and maybe have a dinner somewhere with a few good people to celebrate. My concern is that we will have to invite the people we invited to our engagement party. I just want to know if its bad etiquette to not invite everyone. Has anyone had this same problem?

huskypuppy14 · January 2015

Cessi02 said:

Hi everyone, I am new to this discussion forum. My fiancé and I got engaged last January and we were saving for a big wedding this September. We actually hosted an engagement party last November but we recently decided that a big wedding wasn't what we wanted. We were only planning for a larger wedding because my mom absolutely refused to be a part of our big day if we had gone with a destination wedding like we originally planned. So now, being less than 9 months away from our BIG day we want to cancel everything and just do a small intimate wedding with close family and a few good friends and maybe have a dinner somewhere with a few good people to celebrate. My concern is that we will have to invite the people we invited to our engagement party. I just want to know if its bad etiquette to not invite everyone. Has anyone had this same problem?

A bunch of things going on. First, you should not have hosted your own engagement party, but what is done is done. Etiquette wise, anyone invited to pre wedding parties, needs to be invited to the wedding. If you wanted to elope, you shouldn't have any pre wedding parties.

This is tough though when people have a long engagement, because the engagement party usually occurs before people have finalized the guest list.

This is why people recommend only inviting VIPs to engagement parties. And, figuring out what type of wedding you want before deciding to have a pre wedding party.

esstee33 · January 2015

Yes, it's bad etiquette. You're not technically canceling your wedding, you're just only inviting a smaller number than you originally planned. You're basically just uninviting those specific people, which is not cool.

Also, if you're having ANYONE at your ceremony, no matter how small, you need to host those people at some kind of reception afterward. It doesn't have to be a big catered event, but at least cake and punch after the ceremony.

abt87 · January 2015

How many people did you invite to your engagement party?? Can you just invite them all to the ceremony and host a small reception (at a non-meal time) with cake, punch, champagne and finger foods?

Liatris2010 · January 2015

Anyone invited to a pre-wedding party needs to be invited to the wedding.

The dinner after your ceremony is your reception.

MGP · January 2015

huskypuppy14 said:

Cessi02 said:

Hi everyone, I am new to this discussion forum. My fiancé and I got engaged last January and we were saving for a big wedding this September. We actually hosted an engagement party last November but we recently decided that a big wedding wasn't what we wanted. We were only planning for a larger wedding because my mom absolutely refused to be a part of our big day if we had gone with a destination wedding like we originally planned. So now, being less than 9 months away from our BIG day we want to cancel everything and just do a small intimate wedding with close family and a few good friends and maybe have a dinner somewhere with a few good people to celebrate. My concern is that we will have to invite the people we invited to our engagement party. I just want to know if its bad etiquette to not invite everyone. Has anyone had this same problem?

A bunch of things going on. First, you should not have hosted your own engagement party, but what is done is done. Etiquette wise, anyone invited to pre wedding parties, needs to be invited to the wedding. If you wanted to elope, you shouldn't have any pre wedding parties.

This is tough though when people have a long engagement, because the engagement party usually occurs before people have finalized the guest list.

This is why people recommend only inviting VIPs to engagement parties. And, figuring out what type of wedding you want before deciding to have a pre wedding party.

All of this, plus why would you have an engagement party 11 months after getting engaged? I don't know what the etiquette approved window is but that seems really long. You wouldn't celebrate your birthday or graduation 11 months after it happened, would you?

Engagement parties aren't terrible but personally I think they are unnecessary and tacky when self hosted. A long engagement also leaves opportunity for drastic changes in things like the wedding budget and the relationships of those invited, and then you get into a situation like the OP's. I get you want to celebrate. But do it informally like a happy hour or a dinner party and don't bill it as an engagement party. Once you send invitations you are locked into inviting those people. You are setting an expectation with them that they will be included in your wedding events.

Seriously if I got a quick email from someone saying "I just got engaged let's meet up for drinks" and didn't get invited to the wedding two years later I may be disappointed but wouldn't be offended. I honestly would not think the couple was obligated to invite me based on that interaction. On the other hand if I got an invitation and showed up to a party in the couple's honor and then didn't get invited I would be very hurt that I was good enough to squeal over your ring with you and give you a gift but not good enough to come to the main event.

Do you see the difference?

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

People invited to engagement parties, showers, etc. must be invited to the wedding. To not invite them is bad etiquette.

Look at alternatives to the party-type, evening reception if you want something more low key. Have a brunch reception and don't serve alcohol, or just have mimosas or something.

LtPowers · January 2015

I wasn't aware of any rule requiring engagement party attendees to be invited to the wedding. Certainly that's the normal course of events, but as noted, situations can often change between the two occasions. Engagement parties not being gift-giving occasions, there is no danger (as there is with showers) of a guest feeling as if his or her gift is more welcome than his or her presence.

To assuage hurt feelings, perhaps a larger, informal reception can be staged after the event.

Powers &8^]

MGP · January 2015

LtPowers said:

I wasn't aware of any rule requiring engagement party attendees to be invited to the wedding. Certainly that's the normal course of events, but as noted, situations can often change between the two occasions. Engagement parties not being gift-giving occasions, there is no danger (as there is with showers) of a guest feeling as if his or her gift is more welcome than his or her presence.

To assuage hurt feelings, perhaps a larger, informal reception can be staged after the event.

Powers &8^]

Are you kidding me? Gift or not, an invitation to a party to honor someone's upcoming nuptials HAS to be followed up with an invitation to the actual event. It's common fucking sense not to mention common courtesy.

If you expect someone to give you their attention and respect prior to your wedding, in exchange you must be willing to give them hospitality and properly host them at your wedding reception. If not, either don't invite them or better yet elope. The moment you start inviting guests is the moment it becomes not all about you.

Seriously, just go away.

ShesSoCold · January 2015

LtPowers said:

I wasn't aware of any rule requiring engagement party attendees to be invited to the wedding. Certainly that's the normal course of events, but as noted, situations can often change between the two occasions. Engagement parties not being gift-giving occasions, there is no danger (as there is with showers) of a guest feeling as if his or her gift is more welcome than his or her presence.

To assuage hurt feelings, perhaps a larger, informal reception can be staged after the event.

Powers &8^]

None of this is even remotely okay. Are you aware that you're posting on the etiquette board?

redoryx · January 2015

LtPowers said:

I wasn't aware of any rule requiring engagement party attendees to be invited to the wedding. Certainly that's the normal course of events, but as noted, situations can often change between the two occasions. Engagement parties not being gift-giving occasions, there is no danger (as there is with showers) of a guest feeling as if his or her gift is more welcome than his or her presence.

To assuage hurt feelings, perhaps a larger, informal reception can be staged after the event.

Powers &8^]

Whether or not there are gifts isn't the issue. An Engagement Party is a wedding-related event. It is rude to invite something to a party related to the main event and not invite them to the actual main event.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2015

LtPowers said:

I wasn't aware of any rule requiring engagement party attendees to be invited to the wedding. Certainly that's the normal course of events, but as noted, situations can often change between the two occasions. Engagement parties not being gift-giving occasions, there is no danger (as there is with showers) of a guest feeling as if his or her gift is more welcome than his or her presence.

To assuage hurt feelings, perhaps a larger, informal reception can be staged after the event.

Powers &8^]

Actually in many circles they are gift giving parties.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

LtPowers said:

I wasn't aware of any rule requiring engagement party attendees to be invited to the wedding. Certainly that's the normal course of events, but as noted, situations can often change between the two occasions. Engagement parties not being gift-giving occasions, there is no danger (as there is with showers) of a guest feeling as if his or her gift is more welcome than his or her presence.

To assuage hurt feelings, perhaps a larger, informal reception can be staged after the event.

Powers &8^]

This is totally incorrect etiquette advice. (This is the etiquette board.)

The etiquette rule is that anyone invited to pre-wedding parties - like an engagement party or a shower - must be invited to the main event.

levioosa · January 2015

LtPowers said:

I wasn't aware of any rule requiring engagement party attendees to be invited to the wedding. Certainly that's the normal course of events, but as noted, situations can often change between the two occasions. Engagement parties not being gift-giving occasions, there is no danger (as there is with showers) of a guest feeling as if his or her gift is more welcome than his or her presence.

To assuage hurt feelings, perhaps a larger, informal reception can be staged after the event.

Powers &8^]

Every time you post it's an etiquette clusterfuck. You are on the ETIQUETTE board. JFC.

KatWAG · January 2015

levioosa said:

LtPowers said:

I wasn't aware of any rule requiring engagement party attendees to be invited to the wedding. Certainly that's the normal course of events, but as noted, situations can often change between the two occasions. Engagement parties not being gift-giving occasions, there is no danger (as there is with showers) of a guest feeling as if his or her gift is more welcome than his or her presence.

To assuage hurt feelings, perhaps a larger, informal reception can be staged after the event.

Powers &8^]

Every time you post it's an etiquette clusterfuck. You are on the ETIQUETTE board. JFC.

Yea, I am not sure what is going on but @Ltpowers is every where today with all kinds of questionable advise.

LtPowers · January 2015

You could be a bit more specific. In the specific post here, I merely expressed my unfamiliarity with the rule. This was intended to prompt you to provide some resources where etiquette experts agree with your interpretations. Perhaps I was overly optimistic.

Also, throwing around profanity, completely unprovoked, while shouting in capital letters that this is an "ETIQUETTE" board is a bit ironic, don't you think?

Powers &8^]

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

LtPowers said:

You could be a bit more specific. In the specific post here, I merely expressed my unfamiliarity with the rule. This was intended to prompt you to provide some resources where etiquette experts agree with your interpretations. Perhaps I was overly optimistic.

Also, throwing around profanity, completely unprovoked, while shouting in capital letters that this is an "ETIQUETTE" board is a bit ironic, don't you think?

Powers &8^]

Who are you talking to? Please use the quote feature if you're responding to a specific person.

LtPowers · January 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

Who are you talking to? Please use the quote feature if you're responding to a specific person.

My apologies, since the only replies between my two posts were the ones I was addressing, I thought it obvious. It's difficult to quote two posts in a single message.

Powers &8^]

Maggie0829 · January 2015

LtPowers said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Who are you talking to? Please use the quote feature if you're responding to a specific person.

My apologies, since the only replies between my two posts were the ones I was addressing, I thought it obvious. It's difficult to quote two posts in a single message.

Powers &8^]

You just hit the quote bottom on both posts you are wanting to quote to get them in a single message.

Fairyjen1 · January 2015

LtPowers I think I remember you from the Etiquette Hell boards.

MobKaz · January 2015

LtPowers said:

I wasn't aware of any rule requiring engagement party attendees to be invited to the wedding. Certainly that's the normal course of events, but as noted, situations can often change between the two occasions. Engagement parties not being gift-giving occasions, there is no danger (as there is with showers) of a guest feeling as if his or her gift is more welcome than his or her presence.

To assuage hurt feelings, perhaps a larger, informal reception can be staged after the event.

Powers &8^]

Let me see if I understand your "etiquette" advice and sage solution. You see no problem inviting guests to a pre-wedding event, and then NOT including them at the wedding. You suggest that the OP resolve her original etiquette faux pas by now asking them to attend a reception celebrating the wedding they should have but were not included in? How did you get passed over in moderating this board?

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

LtPowers said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Who are you talking to? Please use the quote feature if you're responding to a specific person.

My apologies, since the only replies between my two posts were the ones I was addressing, I thought it obvious. It's difficult to quote two posts in a single message.

Powers &8^]

I replied directly to you. I didn't use profanity or all caps. So no, it wasn't obvious you were talking to the people who directly replied to you.

annathy03 · January 2015

Unfortunately you committed yourself to inviting these people to the wedding when you invited them to the engagement party. The only exception for not inviting pre-wedding event invitees are when the bride/groom aren't given input into the guest list (i.e. a surprise engagement party someone throws you, or mom goes behind your back and invites soandso to your shower to try and make you invite them to the wedding) which is still rude but it's their faux pas not yours. Since you hosted it, that's not in play here.

Fortunately, you can do something that isn't a big expensive affair. PPs suggestion for a non mealtime wedding with a cake and punch reception is perfectly fine hosting.

MGP · January 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

I didn't use profanity or all caps.

It was me. When someone starts to give bad advice I feel the need to use strong language. Sorry not sorry.

WhatawagSBNy · January 2015

Living around the country (and internationally) I have found a great difference in how people view engagement parties . And reading my Mom's collection of etiquette books has shown that over the years here in the US two or more traditions have coexisted and the same etiquette experts approve both.

In many areas here and abroad and in many cultural groups not tied to the recent wedding industry phenomenon, engagements are seen as a life milestone all by themselves, not just as a part of a wedding. An event for parents, too, who may host a party with their choice of guest list. They may not have anything to do with hosting the wedding, may not attend it themselves. Their guest list, or any EP years in advance by anyone, does not necessarily carry over.

Where there is a long engagement there is a choice, to have an immediate engagement party or to wait until 9 to 12 months before the wedding even if after several years since the actual time of engagement.
Usually the second type party, close to the wedding is seen as a wedding kickoff, as bridal party is now chosen and real wedding preparation has started. Those invited to this close to wedding party should be invited to the wedding.

But traditionally in a long engagement when no one has any idea of an actual wedding date two or five years down the line, the engagement announcement guest list does not necessarily carry over to the wedding.
There is a long accepted tradition of this. A couple may have made mostly new friends after leaving school and moving thousands of miles, or the forty people their parents invited in their two separate guest lists (80 total ) may not have included any of the couples friends they are still in touch with. Or maybe the wedding size turns out to be twenty people , three years later.

It is not ALWAYS true that everyone at an engagement party must be included at a wedding. Long engagements and regional or cultural differences sometimes over rule the social advice so common now of considering engagement parties a part of the wedding.

kmmssg · January 2015

LtPowers said:

You could be a bit more specific. In the specific post here, I merely expressed my unfamiliarity with the rule. This was intended to prompt you to provide some resources where etiquette experts agree with your interpretations. Perhaps I was overly optimistic.

Also, throwing around profanity, completely unprovoked, while shouting in capital letters that this is an "ETIQUETTE" board is a bit ironic, don't you think?

Powers &8^]

Here you go, from Miss Manners column, published in the Columbus Dispatch on August 30, 2014:

Dear Miss Manners:

My daughter, a recent college graduate, has received invitations to several wedding showers in one month alone - all of them including the phrase, "Share our joy!"

They are all from people she doesn't know well, and she is sending polite regrets.

These showers are attended by 100-plus people, most of whom aren't invited to the wedding. Apparently, this is their only opportunity to share the chouple's joy. I really want to know what Miss Manners thinks.

Gentle Reader: The hosts probably don't. Miss Manners thinks it rude to invite people to a shower in connection with a wedding to which they won't be invited.

Your daughter is wise to decline.

ETA - I tried to copy and paste and it kept disappearing!

WhatawagSBNy · January 2015

Edit link shows now, thank you.

levioosa · January 2015

MGP said:

southernbelle0915 said:

I didn't use profanity or all caps.

It was me. When someone starts to give bad advice I feel the need to use strong language. Sorry not sorry.

I actually think she was addressing me. But I stand by what I said. She's like a bull in the china shop of etiquette.

WhatawagSBNy · January 2015

I absolutely agree with Miss Manners. Showers are held in the last couple of months before a wedding. Not all women attending the wedding should be invited, only those of her closest friends and family.
Not every friend, and not all family.
One reason MOB were traditionally discouraged from planning and hosting showers is to prevent them from corralling every person she or the bride ever met for a gift grab. But these days many brides and MOB MOG pass on long lists to bridal parties and friends, and then offer to stay in the background while paying a lot of the costs.

They miss the point that only a limited number should be invited to give what is usually a second gift on the occasion of marriage. And anyone that close to the bride would be on the wedding invitation list.

Of course, that goes for those showers organized by family, and bridal party or friends going to the wedding.

Miss Manners has repeatedly recognized that when a small group who know they will not be invited hold their own separate shower, not one with input from bride or Mothers, the bride should graciously go. So what if none are going to the wedding.
But the people you work with, your choral group or the people on your apartment or dorm hall are not mixing with wedding invitees st the shower, and they may all chip in for 1 gift or contribute small gifts. These really are people who want a small scale celebration fitting for their casual not intimate relationship. Most important is that they generated the party themselves, no one is approaching them and giving any expectation of an invitation to the wedding.

Cessi02 · January 2015

MGP said:

huskypuppy14 said:

Cessi02 said:

Hi everyone, I am new to this discussion forum. My fiancé and I got engaged last January and we were saving for a big wedding this September. We actually hosted an engagement party last November but we recently decided that a big wedding wasn't what we wanted. We were only planning for a larger wedding because my mom absolutely refused to be a part of our big day if we had gone with a destination wedding like we originally planned. So now, being less than 9 months away from our BIG day we want to cancel everything and just do a small intimate wedding with close family and a few good friends and maybe have a dinner somewhere with a few good people to celebrate. My concern is that we will have to invite the people we invited to our engagement party. I just want to know if its bad etiquette to not invite everyone. Has anyone had this same problem?

A bunch of things going on. First, you should not have hosted your own engagement party, but what is done is done. Etiquette wise, anyone invited to pre wedding parties, needs to be invited to the wedding. If you wanted to elope, you shouldn't have any pre wedding parties.

This is tough though when people have a long engagement, because the engagement party usually occurs before people have finalized the guest list.

This is why people recommend only inviting VIPs to engagement parties. And, figuring out what type of wedding you want before deciding to have a pre wedding party.

All of this, plus why would you have an engagement party 11 months after getting engaged? I don't know what the etiquette approved window is but that seems really long. You wouldn't celebrate your birthday or graduation 11 months after it happened, would you?

Engagement parties aren't terrible but personally I think they are unnecessary and tacky when self hosted. A long engagement also leaves opportunity for drastic changes in things like the wedding budget and the relationships of those invited, and then you get into a situation like the OP's. I get you want to celebrate. But do it informally like a happy hour or a dinner party and don't bill it as an engagement party. Once you send invitations you are locked into inviting those people. You are setting an expectation with them that they will be included in your wedding events.

Seriously if I got a quick email from someone saying "I just got engaged let's meet up for drinks" and didn't get invited to the wedding two years later I may be disappointed but wouldn't be offended. I honestly would not think the couple was obligated to invite me based on that interaction. On the other hand if I got an invitation and showed up to a party in the couple's honor and then didn't get invited I would be very hurt that I was good enough to squeal over your ring with you and give you a gift but not good enough to come to the main event.

Do you see the difference?

We had an engagement party 11 months after being engaged because we knew we would have a long engagement and wanted to have it closer to our tentative wedding date. I've never been engaged nor have I ever been married so all of this is new to me. My family and his doesn't necessarily do "weddings" more like court marriages so we are both learning as we go and may have made some questionable choices but I don't appreciate how some people are so rude in their responses. I am asking for advice and people are attacking other people. I think I made a mistake by posting

ShesSoCold · January 2015

Cessi02 said:

MGP said:

huskypuppy14 said:

Cessi02 said:

Hi everyone, I am new to this discussion forum. My fiancé and I got engaged last January and we were saving for a big wedding this September. We actually hosted an engagement party last November but we recently decided that a big wedding wasn't what we wanted. We were only planning for a larger wedding because my mom absolutely refused to be a part of our big day if we had gone with a destination wedding like we originally planned. So now, being less than 9 months away from our BIG day we want to cancel everything and just do a small intimate wedding with close family and a few good friends and maybe have a dinner somewhere with a few good people to celebrate. My concern is that we will have to invite the people we invited to our engagement party. I just want to know if its bad etiquette to not invite everyone. Has anyone had this same problem?

A bunch of things going on. First, you should not have hosted your own engagement party, but what is done is done. Etiquette wise, anyone invited to pre wedding parties, needs to be invited to the wedding. If you wanted to elope, you shouldn't have any pre wedding parties.

This is tough though when people have a long engagement, because the engagement party usually occurs before people have finalized the guest list.

This is why people recommend only inviting VIPs to engagement parties. And, figuring out what type of wedding you want before deciding to have a pre wedding party.

All of this, plus why would you have an engagement party 11 months after getting engaged? I don't know what the etiquette approved window is but that seems really long. You wouldn't celebrate your birthday or graduation 11 months after it happened, would you?

Engagement parties aren't terrible but personally I think they are unnecessary and tacky when self hosted. A long engagement also leaves opportunity for drastic changes in things like the wedding budget and the relationships of those invited, and then you get into a situation like the OP's. I get you want to celebrate. But do it informally like a happy hour or a dinner party and don't bill it as an engagement party. Once you send invitations you are locked into inviting those people. You are setting an expectation with them that they will be included in your wedding events.

Seriously if I got a quick email from someone saying "I just got engaged let's meet up for drinks" and didn't get invited to the wedding two years later I may be disappointed but wouldn't be offended. I honestly would not think the couple was obligated to invite me based on that interaction. On the other hand if I got an invitation and showed up to a party in the couple's honor and then didn't get invited I would be very hurt that I was good enough to squeal over your ring with you and give you a gift but not good enough to come to the main event.

Do you see the difference?

We had an engagement party 11 months after being engaged because we knew we would have a long engagement and wanted to have it closer to our tentative wedding date. I've never been engaged nor have I ever been married so all of this is new to me. My family and his doesn't necessarily do "weddings" more like court marriages so we are both learning as we go and may have made some questionable choices but I don't appreciate how some people are so rude in their responses. I am asking for advice and people are attacking other people. I think I made a mistake by posting

This was new to a lot of us. You know what you should do when you don't understand or know how to do something? Research. When H and I were considering getting a dog I didn't just hope for the best. I researched what we/she would need and how we could accommodate that.

Don't use ignorance as an excuse for bad behavior. Laziness, maybe. But there are a million resources to enlighten you.

Engagment party but no reception

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