Wedding Etiquette Forum

How can I explain to my family why I won't invite my Aunt and Uncle?

I've discussed this with my mom several times and while each time I explain my reasons again, she agrees with me, and then a couple weeks go by and she calls to tell me someone else is hurt I'm not inviting them and she asks if I'll reconsider.

I don't want to invite them because they are really bad people. While they haven't been physically abusive (to my knowledge) we have proof that they have stolen from my grandmother on multiple occasions. We also know that while she lived near them (she has recently moved in with one of my other aunts) that they neglected her, rarely checking to see how she was, and only taking her out of her house to go to the doctor if she had an appointment and to get groceries once or twice a month depending on if they needed them. 

As if that stuff wasn't bad enough, my uncle is just a rude obnoxious man. He never stops talking (mostly just talking about himself in his glory days) and when I say never I mean never. He'll make whatever comments he wants through the ceremony and reception and will just ruin the wedding. Also he had the nerve to say to me "I can't wait for your wedding, you know I wouldn't even go but since I heard your mom say it's in a castle I won't miss it." Which most people might take as a joke except he was dead serious and this was before anything about the invite list had come out.

Anyways my mom just keeps saying that I need to forgive and that I'm hurting the family who is finally healing since my grandma moved in with my other aunt. I guess since my grandmother is no longer being stolen from and neglected the rest of the family has just decided to forget that my aunt and uncle are just terrible people. I can't accept that and I honestly think that they will ruin my wedding if they are there. I don't want to have to have this conversation every couple of weeks until my wedding, it is stressful and emotional for me too, so how do I get my mom and all the other people who are hurt that I am excluding them off my case for good?
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Re: How can I explain to my family why I won't invite my Aunt and Uncle?

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    If you are paying, tell your mother they are not invited and that you will not be discussing it further.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    SP29[Deleted User]
  • If your mom contributing money to your wedding, she gets a say. If you are paying for it, she doesn't get a say.

    If you're paying, you invite whoever you want. Learn to state the fact and change the subject. With persistent pressure, excuse yourself or wash/repeat.

    You're an adult now.. This isn't you explaining why you want to stay out past 1am where you need reasons and a convincing argument. You're paying, the answer is "no and the subject is closed."
    *********************************************************************************

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    [Deleted User]
  • If you are paying for your wedding you can invite anyone you want and exclude anyone you want. That being said, it doesn't mean that people will not be offended or hurt that you didn't invite them of other family members. This seems like something that you are firm about and if it won't cause you any more tension offending people about who's not invited...stick to it. Your probably going to offend other family members and cause some tension...but you can say that the topic is not something you want to discuss and you have thought your guest list through.

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    [Deleted User]
  • I'm so glad my grandma is being taken care of now, she doesn't seem to even be aware that this stuff happened to her which is really sad and I've been told I can't tell her which makes it hard to explain to her why they aren't invited...

    My parents are contributing so I guess that's where it does get a little bit sticky. But My fiance and I are paying for over 3/4 of it so while I agree they get a say I feel like we should get veto power. I mean this isn't really about the fact that they invited too many guests its that I have a specific objection to this particular guest. I think the hardest part is just that she keeps agreeing with me and we agree it's closed and then she just keeps bringing it back up. 

    Thank you, I guess next time I'll just try to be firmer even though that's hard, I'm really not a confrontational person.
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    SP29
  • Thank you, I will do that. I think that is a good way to maybe make her see things in a different way. 
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    HaileyDancingbearcharcoalandblush
  • You need to stop explaining your reasons for not inviting them. This gives her ammunition to try to get you to change your mind. Just tell her the subject is closed, and change the subject, hang up the phone, or leave. If she uses her contribution to the wedding as a weapon, decline it/return it and pay for your wedding yourselves. Then you get to call all the shots.



    ashley8918[Deleted User]
  • I think your mother is exaggerating saying people are "hurt" because this aunt & uncle aren't invited.

    Maybe they are surprised, but maybe a few are relieved!

    Don't invite them if you don't want to.

    [Deleted User]SP29
  • Of course you don't have to invite them if you don't want to, but this isn't like not inviting a friend. These are relatives. You choice in this matter will forever impact the family dynamic. Apparently your mother and others just want to gloss over everything for some family harmony. You don't. You should realize that YOU are the one causing discord here, not them. That's fine if you're willing to accept it. Your mother clearly doesn't want you to be the person who causes family problems and the reason the family can't get together at other times, You clearly don't care.

    Yes, it's your wedding, but you need to decide if the invite list to your wedding is important enough to you to forever affect the family dynamic in this way. Maybe you never want to be a part of this family, and it's fine with you. In that case, you also should think of your mother, who clearly does want to be a part of the family. Is it worth it, just for not inviting them?
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited January 2015


    MandyMost said:

    Of course you don't have to invite them if you don't want to, but this isn't like not inviting a friend. These are relatives. You choice in this matter will forever impact the family dynamic. Apparently your mother and others just want to gloss over everything for some family harmony. You don't. You should realize that YOU are the one causing discord here, not them. That's fine if you're willing to accept it. Your mother clearly doesn't want you to be the person who causes family problems and the reason the family can't get together at other times, You clearly don't care.

    Yes, it's your wedding, but you need to decide if the invite list to your wedding is important enough to you to forever affect the family dynamic in this way. Maybe you never want to be a part of this family, and it's fine with you. In that case, you also should think of your mother, who clearly does want to be a part of the family. Is it worth it, just for not inviting them?

    Forever seems pretty dramatic.

    I would have thought that stealing from and neglecting the family matriarch would affect the family dynamic forever, but apparently this family is happy to forget about that. A wedding invite snub should be even easier to move past.


    I have to agree. It's not up to anyone but the OP to decide what the dynamic between her and this aunt and uncle should be, and she's not interested in having a relationship with them. No doubt they may attend the same family events in the future, but all they owe each other is politeness. She doesn't owe them "forgiveness."
    [Deleted User]SP29
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    image

    (I have nothing to add but all the forevers going around brought the Sandlot back to mind.)

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    KatieinBklnrunsonveggieshellohkbOliveOilsMom
  • sophhabobophasophhabobopha The Midwestern tundra member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Don't invite them. Also, you're not allowed to tell grandma what happened to her? Your family has kept that from her? The fuck. 
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    ashley8918hellohkb
  • Don't invite them. Also, you're not allowed to tell grandma what happened to her? Your family has kept that from her? The fuck. 
    This was my reaction as well.
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  • sophhabobophasophhabobopha The Midwestern tundra member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    allispain said:
    Don't invite them. Also, you're not allowed to tell grandma what happened to her? Your family has kept that from her? The fuck. 
    This was my reaction as well.
    I would be fucking pissed if I were granny.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited January 2015


    allispain said:



    Don't invite them. Also, you're not allowed to tell grandma what happened to her? Your family has kept that from her? The fuck. 

    This was my reaction as well.

    I would be fucking pissed if I were granny.

    Me too. If it happened to me and everyone kept it from me just so the people who victimized me could walk blithely away scot-free, to fuck with them.

    I think there is a special place in hell reserved for those who prey on the elderly, especially when their victims are their own elders.
    hellohkbsophhabobopha
  • Hell, I'm not inviting a couple of aunts and an uncle simply because I don't like them.  They didn't do anything brutal or illegal, I just don't like them.  And I believe there's a big difference between Relatives and Family.  I'll invite my Family, but douchecanoe relatives can find something else to do that day.
    SP29
  • Why do people think they have the right to an explanation about why you are not inviting someone?

    Your wedding day, yours to decide not to have anyone you dislike or feel uncomfortable with, or have bad history with in recent memory. Or barely know. If asked, say, we don't have a good relationship, and I do not want to talk about why. PERIOD. If they persist, say that any explanation would be possibly hurtful gossip, and since you are not involved I am not going to discuss it.
    Shut them down, don't acknowledge or respond to any other questions. Give them a look you would give someone spitting in your soup and stay silent if they keep asking.
    Knottie1429558317SP29
  • lightningsnowlightningsnow New Hampshire member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    OP, I am sorry you are dealing with this. In the future when I get married, there are several members of my family that will not be getting invites. Unfortunately that is the price you pay when you take a molester's side over that of his victim and call her a lying attention whore. Family drama is not something that should ever be taken lightly and you have an extremely good reason for not wanting these people there. I applaud you for that.
    Formerly known as bubbles053009





  • I know it's dificult to say no to some family members BUT, It's your day and don't forget that! I wish you all the best!!
  • fyrchkfyrchk member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Just because you are related to these people doesn't mean anything. You can't help who you're related to. If you don't want them there, you don't want them there. You don't have to put up with toxic people because you're blood. That's bullshit.
  • Next time she starts in on this hang up the phone. Simple.
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