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Moms and Maids

Uninterested Mother of the Bride

My mother is more of a hands off parent and has always let my aunt take over.  That's normally fine but I thought for the wedding she would want to be involved more, especially because she told me personally how excited she was to do the whole Mother of the Bride thing.  But now she just doesn't want to go the shower (forget planning it!)  never helped with the dress or even went to a fitting, hasn't helped with a single vendor or even attended a single wedding related thing.  We sat down and talked about budget at the beginning, and I told her that I only wanted her to contribute what she knew she could and we would plan our budget around that, and of course she hasn't even come up with a quarter of what she said she would, which now my fiance is having to work overtime constantly to make up the difference.  I've told her I would like her to be more involved and it just doesn't work, in fact the only time she's been here during the engagement (she lives in another city) she was asked repeatedly by me and my family to get off of her cell phone (e-bay) and be involved and she couldn't be bothered!  We've already had a lot of issues with this wedding and it would be nice to at least have support from my mom, so what do I do??

Re: Uninterested Mother of the Bride

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Unfortunately, you could blast it into her ear and it won't make a difference.

    Some mothers of brides are, despite their protestations, just not interested in helping their daughters plan their weddings and can't be counted on to keep promises about contributing financially.

    All you can do is budget your wedding around the money that you have available (so your FI doesn't have to work overtime) which might mean your having to scale back, and not expect your mother to do any more than show up at the ceremony and reception.  She doesn't want to be "involved" the way you'd like.  It's okay to be disappointed, but plan around it rather than letting it get you down.
    marlitabanditashort+sassy
  • I too have been upset by the lack of interest  my mother has in my wedding.  Unfortunately, some Mom's just really aren't into the whole wedding thing.  My mom was never into going to the mall with me to go shopping when I was younger, makeup, getting our hair or nails done, parties...any sort of really girly things.  It upset me a lot...  My older sister told me that my mom was the same way with her wedding.  My mom never had a wedding, is overweight and isn't looking forward to getting dressed up, is generally depressed, etc..I would say try to have a heart to hear with her. Maybe she just didn't get the message the first time around.  You need to get a clear answer from her if she is going to contribute financially or not.  After you do that, if things don't change just try to understand that it isn't because she doesn't love you and is not happy for you...it just may not something that she isn't into.  I am sure you have close friends or other family members who are and that can fill the gap.  My mom has a close friend who went to venue tours with me, asked tons of questions, and was really great.  My mom always just says "It's fine.  Everything will be wonderful". Not always the most helpful response.  Best of luck!
    marlitabanditaladybird29
  • My mother is more of a hands off parent and has always let my aunt take over.  That's normally fine but I thought for the wedding she would want to be involved more, especially because she told me personally how excited she was to do the whole Mother of the Bride thing.  But now she just doesn't want to go the shower (forget planning it!)  never helped with the dress or even went to a fitting, hasn't helped with a single vendor or even attended a single wedding related thing.  We sat down and talked about budget at the beginning, and I told her that I only wanted her to contribute what she knew she could and we would plan our budget around that, and of course she hasn't even come up with a quarter of what she said she would, which now my fiance is having to work overtime constantly to make up the difference.  I've told her I would like her to be more involved and it just doesn't work, in fact the only time she's been here during the engagement (she lives in another city) she was asked repeatedly by me and my family to get off of her cell phone (e-bay) and be involved and she couldn't be bothered!  We've already had a lot of issues with this wedding and it would be nice to at least have support from my mom, so what do I do??
    You expected your mother to change her entire personality just because you're getting married? It would be nice if she was excited, but it sounds like you have a lifetime of proof that she's just not going to.

    [Deleted User]
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Going forward, realize that your mom's behavior is not going to change from what its always been. So lower your expectations. It was also wrong of you to ask your mom for money for the wedding. If she volunteered to help pay, that is one thing. I'm sorry that she is not following through with the original plan, but that does seem par for the course considering the description you provided of your mom. Scale back your wedding where you can, so that your FI doesn't have to work overtime.
  • edited July 2014
    Actually I did not ever ask my mom for money, she was insistent upon contributing, and so that's why we sat down and actually had a budget meeting, so I NEVER asked her for money.  I've asked her for minimal input and help.
  • Going forward, realize that your mom's behavior is not going to change from what its always been. So lower your expectations. It was also wrong of you to ask your mom for money for the wedding. If she volunteered to help pay, that is one thing. I'm sorry that she is not following through with the original plan, but that does seem par for the course considering the description you provided of your mom. Scale back your wedding where you can, so that your FI doesn't have to work overtime.
    Previous post was in response to this comment, again never asked my mom for money, never asked anyone for money for that matter.  Would appreciate some helpful tips in dealing with this.

  • Previous post was in response to this comment, again never asked my mom for money, never asked anyone for money for that matter.  Would appreciate some helpful tips in dealing with this.



    STUCK IN BOX

    I think the previous posters HAVE given helpful tips. You should:

     1. lower your expectations about your mom's involvement. I COMPLETELY understand your disappointment, but there is nothing you can do to change her personality/ excitement level. The best way to not let this get you down is to realize that its not your mom's thing, and to not expect it to be.

    2. Possibly sit down with your mom one more time and talk about the budget again to see if she still wants/plans to contribute, and if so, how much.

    3. scale back your wedding so that your FI doesn't have to work over time. There are many lovely weddings that are less expensive because of a smaller guest list, or serving at a non meal time, or a brunch wedding, or serving heavy appetizers instead of a sit down meal, or don't use flowers for centerpieces, or use an ipod instead of a dj/ band, etc. 
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Stop talking wedding with people who are not interested. Sure, it's disappointing, but you will find the experience far LESS disappointing if you just accept it and move on.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    OliveOilsMomlc07
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Going forward, realize that your mom's behavior is not going to change from what its always been. So lower your expectations. It was also wrong of you to ask your mom for money for the wedding. If she volunteered to help pay, that is one thing. I'm sorry that she is not following through with the original plan, but that does seem par for the course considering the description you provided of your mom. Scale back your wedding where you can, so that your FI doesn't have to work overtime.
    Previous post was in response to this comment, again never asked my mom for money, never asked anyone for money for that matter.  Would appreciate some helpful tips in dealing with this.


    OP - you said this in your post: "We sat down and talked about budget at the beginning, and I told her that I only wanted her to contribute what she knew she could and we would plan our budget around that."  That is why it sounds like you asked your mom to contribute to the wedding.  You did not say she offered to assist.  We can only go by the words you post.

    As others have said, going forward, don't count on your mom's excitement.  Expect that her behavior before the engagement will continue throughout the engagment.  If you don't involve your mom, you can't be let down by her.  Also, scale back your plans so that your FI doesn't have to work overtime to pay for the wedding.

  • It's unfortunate, but like PPs said, there are some mothers who just do not show much interest. My mother has not had any input in my wedding and she has been totally dismissive about things. Which is fine, because that is how she has always been when it comes to me and any matter in my life. I did not expect her to act differently, although as you said, it would've been nice to have some type of excitement from her. But it is what it is. Thankfully I have my FMIL, who has been by right hand man in this whole ordeal and frankly, I would not have it any other way. Try to not allow your mom's ways to get to you (easier said than done) and focus your energy on what you have to do for yourself and the people that are around you and support you.

  • I can relate, my mom is only hands-off with me and my fiance. No dress shopping, no bridal shows, no excited discussions about possible venues....She is all gung-ho about my younger sister's wedding and tells me every chance she gets how much they're spending on this that or the other to make little sister happy. But if I tried to mention anything about our wedding, she quickly made it about little sis and her FI.  Even when I told my parents my FI and I are engaged, the first thing my mother said was "oh your sister got engaged a month ago, didn't she tell you?" My family is not invited to our wedding, and we have been planning things on a budget we know we can handle. Unfortunately, I've had this issue for a long while,even before getting engaged, and I haven't spoken with my mother since I wished her happy mothers' day...it stinks to say it, but I agree with PP that sometimes mothers just don't show any interest. Plan the wedding that you and your FI want and be proud of the fact that you could put on a beautiful event together.
  • sugarbeemintsugarbeemint member
    First Comment
    edited January 2015
    You expected your mother to change her entire personality just because you're getting married? It would be nice if she was excited, but it sounds like you have a lifetime of proof that she's just not going to.
    It's funny I'm reading this today.  I had to sit down with myself a few nights ago and pound this into my own head as I'm also facing a similar lack of "sparkly moments" with my mom who has never really been emotionally invested in me.  After trying to get her to come with me to numerous bridal shows and getting no's or maybe's, I flat out asked her if she just wasn't interested and didn't want to hurt my feelings.  Her response was that she didn't want to "go to bridal shows just to go" and to let her know when we were really serious about our planning process and then she'd be gung-ho with us.  I took that to mean she didn't understand a single thing about the purpose of a bridal show and if she wasn't willing to come just as moral support, then I'd manage to get through all things pre-wedding without her just like I got through my Kindergarten graduation, elementary school graduation, music recitals, prom night and other milestones.  It doesn't make it hurt any less, but at least she can't hurt me further if I don't expect it.  The fact of the matter is, some moms are content simply being a guest of honor at the wedding and nothing more. 

    My mother is the kind of person who jumps in at the tail end of everything wanting to know how she can help.  I have a strong feeling it will be the same way with her on this too.
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