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Wedding Etiquette Forum
soontobemrshamilton
member
Lost a friend for following etiquette
I took my MOH and my sister with me dress shopping, my friend found out and is so hurt by me not inviting her, that she doesn't want to be friends any more. ALL I can say is WTF!! I would of loved to have her there, but I read you should not invite any one to wedding type events when they are not invited to the wedding. I understand her hurt, but gosh I thought I was doing the right thing!
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Re: Lost a friend for following etiquette
IMO you did the right thing. It sounds like she's being immature by ending an entire friendship over dress shopping, wtf?
Just curious, if she's a good enough friend to think she would be invited dress shopping, how come she's not invited to the wedding? Does she think she's invited to the wedding?
ETA: woops, half my post got deleted.
Formerly martha1818
One possibility, call her too immature and write her off.
The other, get to the root of the problem and talk to her. Plan to do something with her alone, something you have always enjoyed together.
The one thing most of us want most from the people we care about is their time and attention.
Formerly martha1818
Acting out behaviors most often occur at times of change, and when someone feels they are loosing someone or something.
A major number of brides have someone or several someones flip out either when a romance is new, or the friendship shifts. It also often occurs in early to mid teens when one person gets a boyfriend, or one is accepted in a new circle of friends and the other is not.
I've never experienced this, and neither has anyone I know. I think you're making your own baseless conclusions and it's really weird.
Did someone mention Growing Pains?
Actually, etiquette is a standard for treating everyone well- including your nearest and dearest. In fact, everyone should be making the utmost effort not to be pissing off, offending, and hurting the feelings of their closest loved ones because those people matter the most to them. Who really fucking cares about people you don't have a personal bond with beyond being civil and courteous, let's be honest.
Brides should be bending over backwards to make sure they don't offend their loved ones, but they don't. Which is why, if you'd bother to pay attention, we tell people not to kick people out of their wedding parties- which is a friendship ending move- for trivial drama regarding a wedding.
Which is why we tell people not to have a cash bar and expect their closest friends and family to shell out money for an event that is supposed to be hosted in thier own honor.
Which is why we tell people not to have a gap because it's disrespectful of the time of their loved ones.
Which is why we tell people not to lie about their ceremony start time because it's disrespectful of the time of their loved ones.
Which is why we tell people not to put bullshit attire directives on their invitations just for the sake of having people dress up so their pictures look nice.
I fail to see how any of that advice is useless.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Etiquette books are great for giving us a guide for how to deal with people with whom we don't have a close personal bond--professional settings, acquaintances, distant relatives--but sometimes they're pretty ridiculous, if not downright useless, when it comes to dealing with those nearest to us, to those whose real life preferences and feelings can readily be known by us. I find that some of the people here use etiquette as some sort of shield from you know, actually talking to other people, listening, communicating, understanding, empathizing, asking for help, offering help. If this friend knew you were having a super tiny wedding for financial reasons and wanted to go dress shopping with you anyway, if you wanted her there, you should have said screw it to the "rule" and invited her.
Now, honestly, she should get over it because she's also being a bad friend right now by acting so dramatic over it. Maybe you can invite her to a dress fitting if that's possible, and if you want to, so she can see the dress in person as a way to mend fences. Oh good fucking grief, I'm so glad you know us all so well *eye roll*
Actually, etiquette is a standard for treating everyone well- including your nearest and dearest. In fact, everyone should be making the utmost effort not to be pissing off, offending, and hurting the feelings of their closest loved ones because those people matter the most to them. Who really fucking cares about people you don't have a personal bond with beyond being civil and courteous, let's be honest.
Brides should be bending over backwards to make sure they don't offend their loved ones, but they don't. Which is why, if you'd bother to pay attention, we tell people not to kick people out of their wedding parties- which is a friendship ending move- for trivial drama regarding a wedding.
Which is why we tell people not to have a cash bar and expect their closest friends and family to shell out money for an event that is supposed to be hosted in thier own honor.
Which is why we tell people not to have a gap because it's disrespectful of the time of their loved ones.
Which is why we tell people not to lie about their ceremony start time because it's disrespectful of the time of their loved ones.
Which is why we tell people not to put bullshit attire directives on their invitations just for the sake of having people dress up so their pictures look nice.
I fail to see how any of that advice is useless.
--------------------ETA BOXES-------------------------
I didn't say all of it is useless, but some of it definitely is. And all of the examples you've provided deal with dealing with groups where it would be highly unlikely for you to actually know the preferences of every single person, so following the rules is the safest course of action. That's not always the case. For instance, etiquette dictates a particular way of addressing envelopes, and while it would never be "wrong" to follow those rules, if you are close enough to someone to know that being addressed as Mrs. John Doe would offend them, you shouldn't follow the rule. That's because your personal knowledge of their preference should outweigh this "rule." Coworkers/Church group showers are permitted even when they're not being invited to the wedding--why? Because your relationship with these people trumps the "rule" that only those invited to the wedding should be involved in pre-wedding stuff. Etiquette dictates all sorts of things that one shouldn't discuss with other people, but you'd be an idiot to follow those rules when deciding appropriate topics of conversation with one's spouse. It sounds like this friend still wanted to be involved in such a momentous occasion in her friend's life even if she couldn't be at the wedding. She may have felt that the OP was cutting her out of her life. An over-reaction to dress shopping? Sure. I completely agree. But sometimes people overreact, and I think it's sad because it sounds to me like the only reason this happened was not because the OP didn't want her there (which would have been reasonable enough) but only because she chose to follow the rule rather than talking to her friend and seeing what she would have actually preferred (which I find silly). Talk to your friends--Ask them how they feel. Don't assume they feel the same things the book says they should feel.
The tradition of Mr and Mrs Smith is a tradition, and not a rule anymore per se.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."