Stepdaughter problems

Knottie45798366 · January 2015

Brief story. I have never had a relationship with my oldest stepdaughter, very Rocky to say the least. Came back in our lives for a couple years and back out again. She is a very angry hateful person but I love her any way, I just don't like the way she acts. I heard through the grape vine she is engaged and getting married. I don't have a daughter of my own , I guess I just feel so left out, I wish this relationship can be repaired but I don't see it happening, she not only doesn't have a relationship with me, but has no relationship with her father or half brother that's how deep her hate is. She is not a little girl, will she ever see her wrong doings??

esstee33 · January 2015

Knottie45798366 said:

Brief story. I have never had a relationship with my oldest stepdaughter, very Rocky to say the least. Came back in our lives for a couple years and back out again. She is a very angry hateful person but I love her any way, I just don't like the way she acts. I heard through the grape vine she is engaged and getting married. I don't have a daughter of my own , I guess I just feel so left out, I wish this relationship can be repaired but I don't see it happening, she not only doesn't have a relationship with me, but has no relationship with her father or half brother that's how deep her hate is. She is not a little girl, will she ever see her wrong doings??

You're calling her an angry and hateful person and you're surprised she doesn't come around anymore? Gee, I wonder why.

I can't even with the bolded. If that's your attitude towards her, I'm guessing your answer is no, the relationship probably can't be repaired.

novella1186 · January 2015

Knottie45798366 said:

Brief story. I have never had a relationship with my oldest stepdaughter, very Rocky to say the least. Came back in our lives for a couple years and back out again. She is a very angry hateful person but I love her any way, I just don't like the way she acts. I heard through the grape vine she is engaged and getting married. I don't have a daughter of my own , I guess I just feel so left out, I wish this relationship can be repaired but I don't see it happening, she not only doesn't have a relationship with me, but has no relationship with her father or half brother that's how deep her hate is. She is not a little girl, will she ever see her wrong doings??

First, I'm sorry you're hurt over this.

Second, it takes two people to make a relationship work. If the relationship isn't there, or is really that bad, only 50% of that is the fault of your step daughter. The other 50% is your own fault. Not trying to sound harsh, it's just something I've learned from my therapist and it's totally true.

So waiting around for her to "see her wrong doings" is throwing 100% of the blame and responsibility onto her, which isn't fair, and if she knows you feel this way then she probably also has no desire to try to make things work with you, because why would she? No one wants to be told that they're completely wrong and need to change themselves to fix everything. She probably can tell how much you disapprove of her.

That being said, I have a sister who's angry and hateful all the time and I've had a really hard time trying to deal with her. I've learned that I can't control the way she behaves and I can't change her. All I can do is work on myself, and try to improve the way I react/interact with her. Same thing goes for you with your step daughter.

Relationships that are really bad or totally absent take a long time and a lot of effort by both parties to fix. Why don't you start by reaching out to her? See how she's doing, see what's going on in her life. Be a friend to her. And then go from there.

Knottie45798366 · January 2015

She an angry person,sees no wrong it what she does. It all stems from parent alienation. I have been made out to be the span of satan. I do love her just don't like her actions, I'm not here to be judged

lnixon8 · January 2015

Besides being what you call an "angry hateful person" she hasn't done anything wrong.If she doesn't have a relationship with her Dad and brother why would she have one with you?

If you want to be involved in some type of party planning, plan your own.

Knottie45798366 · January 2015

I never said I have no blame...yes I do...I guess I just wanna know how to fix this, I have offered to seek counseling with her to get pass this. There are a lot of people who are to blame in this situation, it's a very long story.

climbingsingle · January 2015

If she's so awful, why do you want to be involved in her wedding?

Knottie45798366 · January 2015

I never said she is awful.... Please do not put words in my mouth. Maybe I should if never posted this, I was just looking for some insight , not to be belittled

RebeccaFlower · January 2015

Knottie45798366 said:

I never said she is awful.... Please do not put words in my mouth. Maybe I should if never posted this, I was just looking for some insight , not to be belittled

Seriously? She's paraphrasing.

If you don't want us making our own conclusions, then be specific.

novella1186 · January 2015

Knottie45798366 said:

I never said I have no blame...yes I do...I guess I just wanna know how to fix this, I have offered to seek counseling with her to get pass this. There are a lot of people who are to blame in this situation, it's a very long story.

Nope. Forcing her into counseling with you probably will just annoy her. You should go to counseling yourself. It's an opportunity to talk out your own issues, figure out where you've gone wrong, and what you could do better. As I said in an earlier post, you can't change her. You can only work on yourself.

ETA: At the end of your OP when you said SHE needs to see HER wrongdoings, it implies that you take no blame. Why don't YOU work on seeing YOUR wrongdoings, and try to move forward from there?

Knottie45798366 · January 2015

I guess I want fix this relationship but I can't do by my self as she is not a willing participant , I have no way of contacting her as all communication has been cut off

lnixon8 · January 2015

No one is belittling you. If you really want us to answer your question of "will she ever see her wrong doings?" the answer is no and you can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do.

I think since you came to the knot you want an answer about how to fix your relationship with her because of the wedding. Forget the wedding. @novella1186 is right: ask her how she is doing, reach out to her etc. But if you are doing this so you get to be involved in her SPESHUL DAY don't even bother.

Knottie45798366 · January 2015

I want to be a part of her life, it's not just about a wedding. I want to be able to share her special day.

RebeccaFlower · January 2015

Knottie45798366 said:

I want to be a part of her life, it's not just about a wedding. I want to be able to share her special day.

Suggestion #1: Get off the forum and figure out a way to reach out to her. Without you sharing any details, you're not going to get any real help here.

climbingsingle · January 2015

Knottie45798366 said:

I want to be a part of her life, it's not just about a wedding. I want to be able to share her special day.

Well, maybe she doesn't want you to be involved in her wedding. To me, it seems like you want to blame her for what went wrong, when it seems like there are many parties responsible. You can't force her to have a relationship with you. Obviously she hasn't reached out to you to tell you she's engaged.

novella1186 · January 2015

Knottie45798366 said:

I want to be a part of her life, it's not just about a wedding. I want to be able to share her special day.

Well then follow the advice you've been given.

Step 1. Self-reflect. See where YOU went wrong, and where you could do better

Step 2. Take some responsibility for where things are at

Step 3. Let go of whatever her past "wrongdoings" are and move forward

Step 4. See a counselor and work on step 1 some more

Step 5. Reach out to her, and be a friend to her

Step 6. Continue to repeat Steps 1-5 as many times as you need to in order to start repairing/building the relationship

Step 7. Don't make this about her wedding. Make this about you genuinely caring and wanting to have some kind of relationship with her from now on

And Step 8. Don't expect her to change. She won't. You can accept her for the person that she is, or keep her out of your life.

Knottie45798366 · January 2015

Thank you.

mikenberger · January 2015

Knottie45798366 said:

Brief story. I have never had a relationship with my oldest stepdaughter, very Rocky to say the least. Came back in our lives for a couple years and back out again. She is a very angry hateful person but I love her any way, I just don't like the way she acts. I heard through the grape vine she is engaged and getting married. I don't have a daughter of my own , I guess I just feel so left out, I wish this relationship can be repaired but I don't see it happening, she not only doesn't have a relationship with me, but has no relationship with her father or half brother that's how deep her hate is. She is not a little girl, will she ever see her wrong doings??

Alright, I'm going to attempt to tackle this. Ahem. Lord Jesus, help me now.

Like with any relationship, it's a two way street. You have to be as willing to reach out and accept her as she's willing to reach out and accept you. You still appear to have some resentment towards her and she probably feels the same as she's not speaking to you or her own father or brother. What those are, I don't need to know, nobody really does.

What slightly bothers me is the remarks "I don't have a daughter of my own and I feel so left out." Those sound like, even if you don't mean it, very selfish remarks. She doesn't see you as that. She doesn't see you as Mom or Stepmom. Chances are she sees you as the woman who married her Dad. And that's okay. But you need to let go of those feelings. It's not her fault that you never had a daughter and you don't get to participate. I'm sure when your son gets married, you'll be involved in that some way. Society puts such a strain on girls getting married and how the mothers should bond and blah blah blah. Sometimes, it just doesn't happen that way and that's okay.

Maybe reaching out to her would be a good idea. NO pointing fingers, NO bringing up the past, NO overstepping (which means, no smothering - trust me, if she's been estranged from you this long, she'll have no problem going back.) Follow her lead on the relationship she wants to have with you and her family. If that's no relationship, that's her choice and you shouldn't press on it. She's an adult.

But don't turn her wedding planning into a "We should bring the family back together because we should ALL celebrate this time together!" sort of thing. You don't want to turn an otherwise happy occasion and a SUPER stressful time into a compounded issue of old family drama. But you can reach out to her.

And will she ever see the wrong doings?... Yeah well, I'm not that good lol Some people go their entire life never seeing that they were ever a shitty person to someone. I wish you guys all the best.

Jells2dot0 · January 2015

I'm a stepmother of two girls. The oldest one has never really taken to me in her dad's life and that is 100% her choice. As a parent, you can't force your adult kids to have a relationship with you. You can just be there for them when they need you. This is even more true as a stepparent. You will never be mom and you may never even be considered family. And you know what? That is totally up to the child and the best thing to do is just be accepting of that.

My oldest stepdaughter is also engaged. She is actively planning her wedding with her mother. She has not once asked for any assistance or feedback from myself or her father. All we did was congratulate her and offer to be there if she needed anything. If she ever needs anything from us, we'll do what we can. If she just wants us to show up at the wedding, then we'll do that too.

When I planned my first wedding, my stepmother tried to act like she was mother of the bride. I was greatly offended by this. She was forcing something that wasn't there. We never had that type of relationship, but now all of a sudden a wedding changes that? I would have had much more respect for her if she offered to help if I needed it and let things be.

Knottie45798366 · January 2015

Thank you, and she does know that no matter what WE will always be there for her, and our door is always open...and yes this is her choice not to be a part of our lives.

mikenberger · January 2015

Jells2dot0 said:

I'm a stepmother of two girls. The oldest one has never really taken to me in her dad's life and that is 100% her choice. As a parent, you can't force your adult kids to have a relationship with you. You can just be there for them when they need you. This is even more true as a stepparent. You will never be mom and you may never even be considered family. And you know what? That is totally up to the child and the best thing to do is just be accepting of that.
My oldest stepdaughter is also engaged. She is actively planning her wedding with her mother. She has not once asked for any assistance or feedback from myself or her father. All we did was congratulate her and offer to be there if she needed anything. If she ever needs anything from us, we'll do what we can. If she just wants us to show up at the wedding, then we'll do that too.
When I planned my first wedding, my stepmother tried to act like she was mother of the bride. I was greatly offended by this. She was forcing something that wasn't there. We never had that type of relationship, but now all of a sudden a wedding changes that? I would have had much more respect for her if she offered to help if I needed it and let things be.

My stepmother did EXACTLY this to my brother at his wedding. Even went so far as to kick our MOTHER and my mom's side of the family out of "her family" (my father's family) table. Needless to say, my stepmom got on my bad side really quick after that exchange.

Jells2dot0 · January 2015

Knottie45798366 said:

Thank you, and she does know that no matter what WE will always be there for her, and our door is always open...and yes this is her choice not to be a part of our lives.

So, then you just have to accept that is her choice and move on. It sucks to not be a part of a loved one's special day, but it's their choice and they made that choice for their own reasons that we may not understand. Just being the "bigger person" and being accepting will go a long way if she ever decides she wants to have a relationship.

Knottie45798366 · January 2015

Thank you everyone for the advice

larrygaga · January 2015

I think you should respect her choice and leave her alone. It already sounds to me like you guys blame her for everyone that went wrong, in which case her wanting to not have relationships with you guys is understandable. Sometimes you can't just fix the damage that was done.

Knottie45798366 · January 2015

No I don't blame her for everything...no where do I state that. It's all good. Thank you

mikenberger · January 2015

Knottie45798366 said:

No I don't blame her for everything...no where do I state that. It's all good. Thank you

If you are going to respond to someone, please use the quote button at the bottom of their comment

it'll help us know who you're talking to. Thanks!

ChemFanatic25 · January 2015

Knottie45798366 said:

She an angry person,sees no wrong it what she does. It all stems from parent alienation. I have been made out to be the span of satan. I do love her just don't like her actions, I'm not here to be judged

Boy, I feel like I've been wanting to ask this a lot with these posts. Why are you here then? You want to be involved with her wedding because you don't have your own daughter? Why? That's just rediculous. If you don't have a close relationship with her I don't see why she would consider involving you whatsoever in the wedding planning, especially if you and your husband aren't contributing any money. You're not entitled to be involved just because she is your step-daughter.

Ignoring the wedding side, if you want a better relationship with her you need to lose the whole "woe is me, my daughter sees me as the evil step-mother" attitude. It's more of, she just doesn't see you as anything but the woman who married her father who according to you, she doesn't have much of a relationship with either. I would say lose that perspective and reach out to her. Ask her to go to coffee, as her about her life, work, any hobbies she's been up to. Don't mention the wedding. Try to get to know her.

EDIT: I didn't see the part where you can't even get in contact with her. I believe she made her choice. You are just going to have to leave things alone and move on with your life. There isn't much more you can do. She probably wants distance and you need to respect that.

emmaaa · January 2015

There may be more to the story you aren't divulging, but generally there is a REASON someone is "hateful and angry" towards her family.

Knottie45798366 · January 2015

Who said we are contributing any money?

thespeshulestsnowflake · January 2015

Knottie45798366 said:

She an angry person,sees no wrong it what she does. It all stems from parent alienation. I have been made out to be the span of satan. I do love her just don't like her actions, I'm not here to be judged

You say you are not here to be judged but you are doing a lot of judging of your own.

Knottie45798366 · January 2015

No I'm not judging, just taking it all in.

Stepdaughter problems

Re: Stepdaughter problems

Choose Another Board

Search Boards