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We've reached a dead end with FFIL and I don't know what to do next.

SmithMcFarlaneSmithMcFarlane member
10 Comments
in Wedding Woes
Ok, so I have posted on here before about how my FFIL doesn't agree with how we are planning our wedding and the amount we are spending (its less than $10,000).  Everything we do is wrong to him.  I don't talk to him hardly ever anymore because he tries to trap you into talking about it. 

But now we are trying to get addresses for FI's family members.  I have been trying to go through his mom by calling her, but apparently control freak FFIL TAKES her phone so she can't answer it and screens her calls!!!!!!  So I tried to email her at work, they work at the same place but I didn't realize together, as in same room and he responded to my emails (I know this by the way he wrote them).  So I have FI call his mom's phone to try and get the addresses, and this was his father's responce "why are you inviting those stupid people" then believe it or not, he hung up on FI.  I was listening to the short rude conversation...and I am appalled! Why can't we invite his family, why does it only have to only be FI's parents and sister?!  We tried to get phone numbers and email addresses of his family members to ask for ourselves and we can't get those either, he just gets mad and does the whole "why are you inviting those stupid people"

I'm at a total loss of what to do next.  I thought about using the white pages online to look them up, then realized how stupid it would be to look up people all across the country with the last name Smith, especially when we just know the states that they live in, not city.

Do you have any suggestions on how I can get around this?  I want to just pull his mom aside and ask her, but they don't live anywhere near by.  Their situation is also different, they live together and work together and when they go out of town they are almost always together because again his dad is a control freak!   I also want to add that FI and I are paying for our wedding ourselves, so what we do and who we invite is NONE of their business. I just don't know what to do...

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Re: We've reached a dead end with FFIL and I don't know what to do next.

  • **O-Face****O-Face** member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 25 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Do you know anyone else in the family that would have information?  If not...don't invite FFIL either.  He's an asshat of the worst kind.
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  • LnR70707LnR70707 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Let your FI figure it out.  If he can't figure out how to talk to his own mother in private, you are probably SOL.

    And also, your FI doesn't know a single aunt/uncle/cousins contact info that could maybe help him out?  Not even on Facebook?
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  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I would be sending FMIL information on women's shelters, but I'm passive-aggressive like that.

    I'd also be concerned about what being raised by this man did to my FH's concept of conflict resolution.
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  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Your Fi doesn't know any of these people he wants to invite? Then why is he inviting them? Does FFIL not speak to his family anymore? 

    I have to say, it feels from what you've posted that your Fi isn't telling you something. Or lots of things. Your FFIL's behavior simply doesn't make any sense, not even if he's an abusive control freak. 

    Either you need to tell us more of the story, or your Fi needs to fill you in, but there are pieces missing from this puzzle.
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  • Paulo's Menina BelaPaulo's Menina Bela member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Is it just FMIL's family you can't find? Has your FFIL cut his wife and your FI off from her family? WHY?
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  • deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm concerned about his too.  Is FMIL safe both physically and emotionally?  Is this over-controlling behavior new on FFIL's part?  What does FI say about his father taking his mothers phone and intercepting emails?  Does he think that's ok?  Lots of questions, and very little in the way of answers for you.
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  • SmithMcFarlaneSmithMcFarlane member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm not sure if FFIL has always been this way, I know that he doesn't physically hurt FMIL, but I could see some mental abuse.  I know that since she has met me she has really started to stand up for herself which does make FFIL back off some.  However FFIL is the youngest child in his family and there is like a 10 year gap between him and the next child, so he never really connected with his family and he is the only living child.  I'm not sure what his issue is with FMIL's family, from the sound of it FI was always really close to his mothers family.  They are not on Facebook, we asked and checked.  FI did have phone numbers until his phone got wet and broke.  He has been asking for the numbers for months now.  Fi is very upset with the way that his mom is treated, and he has said things to his dad about it, however his dad feels that in many ways FMIL can't take care of herself so he HAS to control her.

    To give some background on FI and FFIL history.  FFIL has never been into helping FI and often it seems like he will try to do anything in his power to make sure that FI is not happy.  Fi joined the Army when he was 17 and when he got back from basic, injured and discharged, he came home to find that FFIL had sold his car, and other belongings and kicked him out.  Meanwhile FI sister was basically living the high life, going to school and not having a bill, even tuition.  FFIL explained this by saying "FI is a man and he should be able to take care of himself"  So my FI is almost 30, and he still hasn't finished school because he had to get a job right away so he could find a place to live after he left the Army, and he didn't have a way to pay for school.  In many ways I take care of FI, he has health insurance and other things because of me, and I think that makes his dad mad.  However, FI and I have already started to share our money, so things even out.  I don't know if FFIL is upset that I make him happy and that FI wants his family there to celebrate us getting married and being happy or what it is.
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  • **O-Face****O-Face** member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 25 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    But why is FFIL even invited?  Honestly, it sounds like this man is nothing but poison and negativity.  Why bother?
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  • deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for the background info.  Sounds like FFIL has his own way of looking at things.  He does not sound like a kind man.  Quite toxic, in fact.  I'm not sure that making him happy should be your priority (not that it is, I get that). 

    Best thing, I guess, is to let FI deal with him.  He's had to deal with him all his life.  Try and avoid getting triangled in to that whole situation.  It's just going to end up with you looking like the bad guy here.  I think this wedding is uncovering a whole lot of family dynamics that haven't been worked out and have very little to do with you. 

    I know its important to include family at these times in life, but honestly, I don't think you need to worry about it further.  You've made best efforts to try and contact that side of the family.  Don't lose sleep over it.   I have the feeling that you'll be dealing with this man over soooo much more in the future. 
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Maybe look into using this oldfangled contraption called the phone book?
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  • monsoon737monsoon737 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    What you need is the creepiest search tool I know of on the internet.  


    You just enter someone's full name and it pulls up their (anyone whose name matches) address AND whoever lives with them.  It's much easier to find the person your looking for based on family member knowledge.  It might even have some phone numbers so you can call and verify addresses.

    Good luck with your FFIL.  But especially good luck vibes to your FMIL.
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  • SmithMcFarlaneSmithMcFarlane member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_weve-reached-dead-end-ffil-dont-next?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:f836af1a-6727-4c1c-9d5b-d0b8b92d41b8Post:e98b8d87-0143-4d7e-af06-c5d439e26690">Re: We've reached a dead end with FFIL and I don't know what to do next.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe look into using this oldfangled contraption called the phone book?
    Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

    Again, we have tried to look them up in the white pages, but like I said before, their last name is Smith and we only have states that they live in...not much help there when someone is named "John Smith" ect....
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