Stepdaughter problems

ChemFanatic25 · January 2015

Knottie45798366 said:

Who said we are contributing any money?

I said, you really don't get a say in the wedding or planning if you aren't contributing any money. Didn't say "you are contributing money."

thespeshulestsnowflake · January 2015

Knottie45798366 said:

No I'm not judging, just taking it all in.

Please reread your OP and act as though you are reading something someone else wrote.

ChemFanatic25 · January 2015

emmaaa said:

There may be more to the story you aren't divulging, but generally there is a REASON someone is "hateful and angry" towards her family.

^^^This! I love my family but I need lots of distance and time in between seeing them. They are very overwhelming, can be very judgemental, and really increase my stress. I would prefer enjoying life over making sure they are always happy. Nothin wrong with that, just means very very limited family time. I know that other posters on the knot are in the same boat.

beethery · January 2015

I hate these asinine, ridiculous posts. I hate them. This is dumb as hell.

If you don't want advice or you can't be specific, don't play with this shit. Seriously.

novella1186 · January 2015

Knottie45798366 said:

Thank you, and she does know that no matter what WE will always be there for her, and our door is always open...and yes this is her choice not to be a part of our lives.

Not trying to pick you apart here, but from the perspective of someone who has tons of family drama, drop that "we" bullshit. I mean I get that it's a total natural tendency because you are all together as a family unit-- you and your husband and your son. I know that in reality, it is "we."

If she has no relationship with any of you, though, she may not be ready or willing to take on the "we." That can be overwhelming, and it can also make her feel like you're forcing things, or ganging up on her.

Just focus on YOU and HER. You can't create a relationship between her and her father. That's up to her and her father. You can't create a relationship between her and your son. Her and your son are the only ones who can do that. So if you do reach out to her, drop the "we" and "us" and "our." Don't come at her as if it's all of you against her. You're all a unit and she's on the outside. Don't do that to her.

I have a great relationship with my mom and an awful relationship with my dad. My mom tries to force things between my dad and I and it seriously pisses me off. She'll do the "we" bullshit. "WE love you, WE'RE here for you." Makes me even angrier because I know those words are solely coming from my mom. She can't speak for my dad, because I doubt he feels the same way as her and if he does, then he needs to fucking say so to me. Whenever she starts in on that, I put some distance between me and her, even though we usually get along so well, because I don't like the forcing and the manipulation.

Just some insight.

larrygaga · January 2015

Knottie45798366 said:
No I don't blame her for everything...no where do I state that. It's all good. Thank you

Nah it's not all good and by stating that she needs to see her wrongdoings makes it sound like you feel this is her fault. Which is probably isn't all her fault.

ChemFanatic25 · January 2015

beethery said:

I hate these asinine, ridiculous posts. I hate them. This is dumb as hell.

If you don't want advice or you can't be specific, don't play with this shit. Seriously.

I could only love your post once so here are 5 million more loves! LoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLove

LoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLove

x5 million!

It's been happening way to often lately.

WhatawagSBNy · January 2015

Knottie45798366 said:
I guess I want fix this relationship but I can't do by my self as she is not a willing participant , I have no way of contacting her as all communication has been cut off

*********
Lots of times step parents cannot easily establish relationships with step children not because of any thing they do or say, but because of issues in the marriage and divorce, or bad marriage followed by 1 parent dying and remarriage of the other, things whose root is with the natural parents.

Parents with dysfunctional relationships model inappropriate ways of dealing with things by yelling and acting out, slamming out of the house after a screaming match , or maybe they both refuse to speak in a constructive way but instead show a lot of passive aggressive behavior. And the kid is stuck in the middle. And acts out.

Several posts above seem like people think well you made the mess, go out and fix it.

None of us know that you are any part of the cause. Just that you clearly have not had an easy time dealing with anger and nastiness or bad behavior broadcast toward you and her father and your son.

Maybe she was into borderline criminal things or drugs, and you had to look at your young son and say, lets not allow his life to be toxic too.
She surely knows you have strong bonds with your son, and feeling displaced for dad's affection does not help.

You cannot "cure" a person of deep seated issues that have persisted into adulthood.
But if you are less judgmental and see that she may have been profoundly hurt in childhood, maybe you and Dad can set the tone which says, we wish to start fresh, cease hostilities and unhelpful attitudes. You can create a climate of acceptance of any but criminal or injurious behavior.

Counseling may help you and your husband, or just you, to see if you can accept that however she behaves now is her responsibility. If she wants to change, she can, but you cannot do it for her.

You can be a model of one sided kindness toward her. A thoughtful short letter from her dad or you that she can angrily stuff in a drawer, but in a day or a year, take out and read. You can do a registry search to see if they have registered, or get a nice gift if not, and send it months before the wedding if you can.

Unless she is marrying a real jerk, he may be a constructive force for her, as will simply maturing.
Just keep on making very gentle, let's connect overtures and don't be goaded into judgmental postures. It may take two years or five, but when people marry they often see more of a long term perspective . Maybe she will cease hostilities even if not particularly friendly. Maybe having a child, or planning for one, will be what prompts her to finally make some positive change toward you.

It is heartbreaking feeling helpless to change someone else, and anger directed toward you is hurtful.
I'm sorry.

VulgarGirl · January 2015

I'm going to say something that sounds really mean. You'r a grown up so just figure out how to deal with that.

You are not her mother. I have two step-mothers. I love my step-moms. I have great relationships with both of them. I could spend hours waxing poetic about how awesome they are. However, they have never once thought of themselves as my mother. Because they are not. They are my mother's and my father's wives. They are important people to me and they are family. But they are not my mom.

When I got engaged I called my mom and dad. I was excited to share that with them. I told my step-moms as well, but after my parents. When it came to actually planning the wedding...eh I didn't really go to any of my parents. Not because I hate them, or they're terrible people, I'm just an independent grown up who does shit on her own. That's how I roll.

You cannot force someone (especially an adult someone) to like you. You cannot force someone to let you help them plan their wedding (if you aren't paying). You can offer kindness, and leave it up to them if they want it.

You might not get to "share her special day" with her. Tough titties.

VulgarGirl · January 2015

beethery said:

I hate these asinine, ridiculous posts. I hate them. This is dumb as hell.

If you don't want advice or you can't be specific, don't play with this shit. Seriously.

For real, either tell us the story or don't. Drop the vague shit.

ohannabelle · January 2015

Truth- you don't need message board advice, you need a therapist. Therapy for the whole damned family.

I'm not even going to wade into this quagmire. Too much too deep too much murky too much history, too many involved relationships. Only a professional could fix this.

jacques27 · January 2015

So, to summarize:

She made her choices clear in cutting off contact with you and her biological father. You, being the magnanimous person you are love her "anyway" despite all of her "wrongdoings". And you want to find a way to convince her to admit to all of her "wrongdoings" because now that you hear through the grapevine she's getting married, you want to be able to play mother of the bride, even though you're not even playing "mother".

Please tell me you realize how ludicrous that sounds. You are not her mother and she is a grown woman who gets to choose who she maintains relationships with - autonomy is one of the great perks of adulthood. If you genuinely want a relationship with her, then great - but it shouldn't be because you want to play mommy of the bride or because of some obligation for her borne out of who you chose to marry. It should be because you appreciate and enjoy her as a person and she should feel the same about you. If that's your motivation, then reach out to her. You say you can't contact her, but you somehow managed to hear that she got engaged despite her cutting off communication so clearly you must be in contact with someone who is contact with someone who is in contact (etc.) with her or you wouldn't have known about it - if you really wanted it you should be able to find a way with a little effort. But if it's just to fulfill some mother of the bride fantasy you have because you feel life gave you the short end of the stick by not giving you a biological daughter, then just let her be.

Stepdaughter problems

Re: Stepdaughter problems

Choose Another Board

Search Boards