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Declines = Depression

tcnobletcnoble member
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in Chit Chat
So our RSVPs are slowly starting to roll in. Of the 200 guests invited, probably 180 are OOT guests - a lot of whom are FI's family/extended family/friends from MN where they are originally from. We are, understandably, getting declines. More of them are from FI's side of the list than mine.

He's getting increasingly more upset as the declines come in. We knew having our wedding where we live, not where the bulk of our guests live, would run the risk of many people not being able to attend. But I think he thought everyone would be like YEAH VEGAS TRIP and come anyways. This is not the case. 

Did anyone else experience this kind of disappointment?? I don't know how to make him feel better about it and he's just becoming passive aggressive about it. Grrrrrrr men.
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Re: Declines = Depression

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    theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
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    Yup. And actually most of our declines were from local people, and with no explanation. It sucked but you just have to remember the goal of the day, and be grateful for those who can be there.
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    thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
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    I'm sorry. It does feel like a sting each time, yes?

    We had a lot of surprising declines too. We were married in a major city, and family that live in the suburbs an hour away declined. That hurt. 

    I have no advice but to say it happens to everyone. It does. You're allowed to feel hurt, but on the wedding day I swear you won't miss those people. You'll have a fabulous time with everyone who does attend and it'll be awesome! 
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    beachyone15beachyone15 member
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    I'm sorry, I know that's hard. My now H had one of his groomsmen (and very close friend) drop out a month before the wedding. Not just that, he and his wife didn't attend at all. They told him it was for "personal reasons" and we left it at that. I know it hurt him but in the end, we had a great day and were focused on each other and the guests who attended.

    You guys are going to have a blast in Vegas - just remember you picked your location for a reason!


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    novella1186novella1186 member
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    I'm sorry :( 

    I haven't experienced this (yet) because we haven't even sent invites out yet. But we're expecting a lot of declines. FMIL tells me multiple times, every single time I see her, that literally none of her relatives will bother to drive such a far distance for a wedding (it's like 2 hours for them but whatever) and my relatives all live from coast to coast and in other countries, so we're expecting quite a few declines. 

    As long as I'm there, and my FI is there, and the officiant shows up, I don't really care if great aunt Betty doesn't feel like showing up. 
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    tcnobletcnoble member
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    amelisha said:
    It's not like they're saying no because they don't like you, either - people just have stuff going on in their lives and sometimes that has to come before a wedding even if they love you a lot, you know? And especially if there's travel involved. Vacation time, money, babysitters and pets and meetings and who knows what else. It's not personal, it's just....life. People have commitments and plans and they're busy and it doesn't reflect on how they feel about you.
    So much this. I've tried explaining that to him. And he's all "Well I know Aunt and Uncle so-and-so are taking a trip to Disneyworld this month so it's not like they can't afford it!" and I have to gently explain that how they spend their money is their choice and it doesn't mean they don't love us or wish us the best, but they have made the choice not to attend. 

    I've also reminded him many times that no one else thinks our wedding day is THEBESTDAYEVER except us. I think he will feel better if there are more declines from my portion of the list lol
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    theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
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    novella1186 said:
    I'm sorry :( 

    I haven't experienced this (yet) because we haven't even sent invites out yet. But we're expecting a lot of declines. FMIL tells me multiple times, every single time I see her, that literally none of her relatives will bother to drive such a far distance for a wedding (it's like 2 hours for them but whatever) and my relatives all live from coast to coast and in other countries, so we're expecting quite a few declines. 

    As long as I'm there, and my FI is there, and the officiant shows up, I don't really care if great aunt Betty doesn't feel like showing up. 
    You can feel free to B-list me in her place, @Novella1186
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    novella1186novella1186 member
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    lolo883 said:
    novella1186 said:
    I'm sorry :( 

    I haven't experienced this (yet) because we haven't even sent invites out yet. But we're expecting a lot of declines. FMIL tells me multiple times, every single time I see her, that literally none of her relatives will bother to drive such a far distance for a wedding (it's like 2 hours for them but whatever) and my relatives all live from coast to coast and in other countries, so we're expecting quite a few declines. 

    As long as I'm there, and my FI is there, and the officiant shows up, I don't really care if great aunt Betty doesn't feel like showing up. 
    You can feel free to B-list me in her place, @Novella1186
    Done! I'll send you the details on the required attire and our registry. No boxed gifts, please, but feel free to be generous with our honeyfund. 
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    wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
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    tcnoble said:
    amelisha said:
    It's not like they're saying no because they don't like you, either - people just have stuff going on in their lives and sometimes that has to come before a wedding even if they love you a lot, you know? And especially if there's travel involved. Vacation time, money, babysitters and pets and meetings and who knows what else. It's not personal, it's just....life. People have commitments and plans and they're busy and it doesn't reflect on how they feel about you.
    So much this. I've tried explaining that to him. And he's all "Well I know Aunt and Uncle so-and-so are taking a trip to Disneyworld this month so it's not like they can't afford it!" and I have to gently explain that how they spend their money is their choice and it doesn't mean they don't love us or wish us the best, but they have made the choice not to attend. 

    I've also reminded him many times that no one else thinks our wedding day is THEBESTDAYEVER except us. I think he will feel better if there are more declines from my portion of the list lol
    Yes, but they probably saved for that trip and had it earmarked long before they got your wedding invitation. They might not have any travel money and/or vacation time left now. (I'm saying that to him, not you.) ;)
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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    tcnoble said:
    amelisha said:
    It's not like they're saying no because they don't like you, either - people just have stuff going on in their lives and sometimes that has to come before a wedding even if they love you a lot, you know? And especially if there's travel involved. Vacation time, money, babysitters and pets and meetings and who knows what else. It's not personal, it's just....life. People have commitments and plans and they're busy and it doesn't reflect on how they feel about you.
    So much this. I've tried explaining that to him. And he's all "Well I know Aunt and Uncle so-and-so are taking a trip to Disneyworld this month so it's not like they can't afford it!" and I have to gently explain that how they spend their money is their choice and it doesn't mean they don't love us or wish us the best, but they have made the choice not to attend. 

    I've also reminded him many times that no one else thinks our wedding day is THEBESTDAYEVER except us. I think he will feel better if there are more declines from my portion of the list lol
    I'm glad you have a healthy attitude.

    For the record, I do not like Vegas.   While I may go to a Vegas wedding for a close friend I certainly would not all like "WooHoo, Vegas wedding baby".  Nope, not one ounce of me would be happy about the location.  

    My friends who love Vegas think I'm crazy.  Different strokes for different folks I say.   There are just so many other places I want to return to then Vegas.







    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    lovegood90lovegood90 member
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    That definitely must sting! But it's good you have a great attitude about it to pull him out of that line of thinking!

    As an example, I have very limited vacation time and have trips planned at a minimum of 6 months in advance. If I got an invitation right now for, say, an end of March or April wedding that required a flight/hotel, I would decline--I already have a trip for the summer/fall that I'm saving my $ and vacation days for that it would just not be possible no matter who it is. Of course, if it was immediate family I'd probably find a way to make it work but I'd be in a tough spot and not be happy about it.

    I'm sure a lot of your Fi's friends/extended family are in this position too. It happens to everyone so hopefully he realizes he shouldn't take it personally :)

    Formerly martha1818

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    BrandNewJBrandNewJ member
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    lyndausvi said:
    tcnoble said:
    amelisha said:
    It's not like they're saying no because they don't like you, either - people just have stuff going on in their lives and sometimes that has to come before a wedding even if they love you a lot, you know? And especially if there's travel involved. Vacation time, money, babysitters and pets and meetings and who knows what else. It's not personal, it's just....life. People have commitments and plans and they're busy and it doesn't reflect on how they feel about you.
    So much this. I've tried explaining that to him. And he's all "Well I know Aunt and Uncle so-and-so are taking a trip to Disneyworld this month so it's not like they can't afford it!" and I have to gently explain that how they spend their money is their choice and it doesn't mean they don't love us or wish us the best, but they have made the choice not to attend. 

    I've also reminded him many times that no one else thinks our wedding day is THEBESTDAYEVER except us. I think he will feel better if there are more declines from my portion of the list lol
    I'm glad you have a healthy attitude.

    For the record, I do not like Vegas.   While I may go to a Vegas wedding for a close friend I certainly would not all like "WooHoo, Vegas wedding baby".  Nope, not one ounce of me would be happy about the location.  

    My friends who love Vegas think I'm crazy.  Different strokes for different folks I say.   There are just so many other places I want to return to then Vegas.

    Yup! I hate Vegas. I used to love it, but I don't like clubbing the night away, getting hung over, gambling gives me anxiety, and I'd buy everything if I just spent my time shopping. Vegas isn't for everyone. Unless it was a really close friend, I'd honestly decline just because It's not my scene. His relatives and other declines could feel the same way. 
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    wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
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    I agree about Vegas. Had any of our VIPs or close friends (we had a small wedding) been "meh" about Vegas, we would not have gotten married there. As it was, those were the people who kept saying, "You guys should get married in Vegas. That would be awesome!" So, when we told them the location, we got a lot of "woohoo!"

    It's definitely not for everyone. I would have been perfectly happy getting married in Chicago or Detroit had anyone batted an eye.
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    Wegl13Wegl13 member
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    I felt the same way- but I also had like, a goodly amount of people decline the week of our wedding. That HURT. Some of them were understandable (research dates changed and they were having to work that weekend, close family member recently passed away), but some of the reasons were kind of crummy (I had two different people duck out because they had a final that they needed an A on to pass the class), and one of them really hurt my moms feelings because she felt like they were lying. I didn't have a big wedding- we only invited 80 people, so the fact that six to ten didn't come after RSVPing yes made a pretty size able difference in both the scene, and the catering cost. And I had to do the seating chart at like 10pm the night before the wedding.
    That being said, on the day I got married I certainly had eyes for basically no one but my groom. I loved that most of his family came and that I had my important people there. It didn't bother me that day at all.
    I will say I still feel some sadness NOW that some of those people chose not to attend, because honestly the wedding is one of the few times that all of our families will be together (and may be the only time), and I'm sad that these people missed out on that. I would definitely tell you that the day of your wedding you will not care, but that you might occasionally have a twinge of sadness both before and after.
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    WhatawagSBNyWhatawagSBNy member
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    tcnoble said:


    wrigleyville said:


    tcnoble said:


    amelisha said:

    It's not like they're saying no because they don't like you, either - people just have stuff going on in their lives and sometimes that has to come before a wedding even if they love you a lot, you know? And especially if there's travel involved. Vacation time, money, babysitters and pets and meetings and who knows what else. It's not personal, it's just....life. People have commitments and plans and they're busy and it doesn't reflect on how they feel about you.

    So much this. I've tried explaining that to him. And he's all "Well I know Aunt and Uncle so-and-so are taking a trip to Disneyworld this month so it's not like they can't afford it!" and I have to gently explain that how they spend their money is their choice and it doesn't mean they don't love us or wish us the best, but they have made the choice not to attend. 

    I've also reminded him many times that no one else thinks our wedding day is THEBESTDAYEVER except us. I think he will feel better if there are more declines from my portion of the list lol

    Yes, but they probably saved for that trip and had it earmarked long before they got your wedding invitation. They might not have any travel money and/or vacation time left now. (I'm saying that to him, not you.) ;)


    That's exactly what I pointed out to him... I said "we saved for almost two years for our honeymoon. If someone invites us to an OOT wedding this summer we won't be able to afford it, but we paid for our honeymoon. See how that works??"

    He was so upset he wanted to B-List. Slow your roll, groomzilla.


    ***********
    This is why b lists are something that some people accept and have for sixty years, while others hate B lists. And in principle they seem bad etiquette.

    If you really wanted the people you invited, more than those you left off the list, then your B list is second choice also- rans, and that late invitation says Come on down, you second class better- than -no-one friend. So insulting, so wrong.

    But if you cut from your invitation list almost all of the people whom you really wanted most, because parents and friends all said, family first whether you like it or not ( and we are paying,) then it is natural to feel, well now the family plan failed can we at least put back on the list our Best friends?

    More people than not will do that, if it is still a respectable time before the wedding and within the usual time of sending invitations 4 to 8 weeks before the wedding. These were your first choice people. And contrary to what many people say on these boards, etiquette rules are not hard and fast, one rule fits every situation. The distinction with B lists is, are these people really the ones first in your heart who should have been on the list to begin with, no question? And if that is true, will they receive the invitation at least a month ahead so they will not feel insulted ? Those two things are the principles behind invitation etiquette way back to 1920's Emily Post, and all through the years .

    One thing people often say is, well maybe they will know others got invitations earlier. People compare notes. Isn't that bad?
    The traditional society hostesses answer is that surely people have busy enough lives of their own that they are not so rude as to inquire about WHEN other people get their invitations. Who would ever invite someone rude enough to do that?

    Everyday fact is that lots of people address and stamp the first third of invitations, out of time, mail those, and the next time they have the time, 2 or 3 days later they do more, and it may be a week to ten days between the times the first ones go to the post office and the last. Especially if the post office near you is open only one a week or twice a month when either of you can get there.

    Even invitations all mailed at the same time may arrive 10 to 14 days apart. And only social secretaries and very compulsive hosts sit down, figure out how long it takes for mail to cross the street (up to ten days in Boston and NYC), go to a distant state big suburb ( 3 to 8) or another country (6 To 21) or rural areas (at least five days, then likely up to 3 weeks more when they make the monthly trip to town). Then mail each type so they arrive at the same time.

    People need to think through the principles regarding invitations and judge what is right, from that. Don't fill seats with second tier people. But don't sit in a half empty hall, knowing most of the people you wanted most to come are some where else when you could have invited them a month in advance, within the window of acceptable time, and did not because people on a message board said NEVER, NEVER! Aside from refraining from hurting your hosts or guests, there are a lot of times when proper etiquette is a flexible thing.
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    dolewhipperdolewhipper member
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    WhatawagSBNy said:
    wrigleyville said:
    tcnoble said:
    amelisha said:
    It's not like they're saying no because they don't like you, either - people just have stuff going on in their lives and sometimes that has to come before a wedding even if they love you a lot, you know? And especially if there's travel involved. Vacation time, money, babysitters and pets and meetings and who knows what else. It's not personal, it's just....life. People have commitments and plans and they're busy and it doesn't reflect on how they feel about you.
    So much this. I've tried explaining that to him. And he's all "Well I know Aunt and Uncle so-and-so are taking a trip to Disneyworld this month so it's not like they can't afford it!" and I have to gently explain that how they spend their money is their choice and it doesn't mean they don't love us or wish us the best, but they have made the choice not to attend. 

    I've also reminded him many times that no one else thinks our wedding day is THEBESTDAYEVER except us. I think he will feel better if there are more declines from my portion of the list lol
    Yes, but they probably saved for that trip and had it earmarked long before they got your wedding invitation. They might not have any travel money and/or vacation time left now. (I'm saying that to him, not you.) ;)
    That's exactly what I pointed out to him... I said "we saved for almost two years for our honeymoon. If someone invites us to an OOT wedding this summer we won't be able to afford it, but we paid for our honeymoon. See how that works??"

    He was so upset he wanted to B-List. Slow your roll, groomzilla.
    *********** This is why b lists are something that some people accept and have for sixty years, while others hate B lists. And in principle they seem bad etiquette. If you really wanted the people you invited, more than those you left off the list, then your B list is second choice also- rans, and that late invitation says Come on down, you second class better- than -no-one friend. So insulting, so wrong. But if you cut from your invitation list almost all of the people whom you really wanted most, because parents and friends all said, family first whether you like it or not ( and we are paying,) then it is natural to feel, well now the family plan failed can we at least put back on the list our Best friends? More people than not will do that, if it is still a respectable time before the wedding and within the usual time of sending invitations 4 to 8 weeks before the wedding. These were your first choice people. And contrary to what many people say on these boards, etiquette rules are not hard and fast, one rule fits every situation. The distinction with B lists is, are these people really the ones first in your heart who should have been on the list to begin with, no question? And if that is true, will they receive the invitation at least a month ahead so they will not feel insulted ? Those two things are the principles behind invitation etiquette way back to 1920's Emily Post, and all through the years . One thing people often say is, well maybe they will know others got invitations earlier. People compare notes. Isn't that bad? The traditional society hostesses answer is that surely people have busy enough lives of their own that they are not so rude as to inquire about WHEN other people get their invitations. Who would ever invite someone rude enough to do that? Everyday fact is that lots of people address and stamp the first third of invitations, out of time, mail those, and the next time they have the time, 2 or 3 days later they do more, and it may be a week to ten days between the times the first ones go to the post office and the last. Especially if the post office near you is open only one a week or twice a month when either of you can get there. Even invitations all mailed at the same time may arrive 10 to 14 days apart. And only social secretaries and very compulsive hosts sit down, figure out how long it takes for mail to cross the street (up to ten days in Boston and NYC), go to a distant state big suburb ( 3 to 8) or another country (6 To 21) or rural areas (at least five days, then likely up to 3 weeks more when they make the monthly trip to town). Then mail each type so they arrive at the same time. People need to think through the principles regarding invitations and judge what is right, from that. Don't fill seats with second tier people. But don't sit in a half empty hall, knowing most of the people you wanted most to come are some where else when you could have invited them a month in advance, within the window of acceptable time, and did not because people on a message board said NEVER, NEVER! Aside from refraining from hurting your hosts or guests, there are a lot of times when proper etiquette is a flexible thing.
    Nope. To the bolded, a venue will make sure your event doesn't look "half empty".

    But @tcnoble I know you know that jazz above is BS.

    &Don't worry, Fi and I are in the same boat. A lot of my family is local to where we are having the wedding, and his family is spread throughout the country (immediate family though is in the wedding location area). As well, my family is about 2.5x the size as his. Not only did one of his GM dropped out (who he at first wanted to replace but that was quickly shot down), but from his family we are getting about 65% declines so far. He's sad too.

    I usually just try to keep super positive and remind him why we chose our location and the people we really care about will be there (parents, siblings, close friends) and how kick ass of a party it will be :) And guess what, your wedding will be SO kick ass!


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    novella1186novella1186 member
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    larrygaga said:
    Hey, it's less people to pay for!
    Yeah I didn't want to admit this but I'm excited to get declines. We can accommodate-- and afford-- 100% attendance but I don't want it. The less people, the more intimate it will be, and the less we have to pay so... bring on the declines! 
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    mrsk616mrsk616 member
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    honestly i dont think you will notice who comes and who doesnt when it comes down to it. im afraid for mine a lot of my family wont come. i know for sure one or two cousins that wont come because i didnt go to their weddings but i wont let it ruin my day.
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    ashley8918ashley8918 member
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    WhatawagSBNy said:
    wrigleyville said:
    tcnoble said:
    amelisha said:
    It's not like they're saying no because they don't like you, either - people just have stuff going on in their lives and sometimes that has to come before a wedding even if they love you a lot, you know? And especially if there's travel involved. Vacation time, money, babysitters and pets and meetings and who knows what else. It's not personal, it's just....life. People have commitments and plans and they're busy and it doesn't reflect on how they feel about you.
    So much this. I've tried explaining that to him. And he's all "Well I know Aunt and Uncle so-and-so are taking a trip to Disneyworld this month so it's not like they can't afford it!" and I have to gently explain that how they spend their money is their choice and it doesn't mean they don't love us or wish us the best, but they have made the choice not to attend. 

    I've also reminded him many times that no one else thinks our wedding day is THEBESTDAYEVER except us. I think he will feel better if there are more declines from my portion of the list lol
    Yes, but they probably saved for that trip and had it earmarked long before they got your wedding invitation. They might not have any travel money and/or vacation time left now. (I'm saying that to him, not you.) ;)
    That's exactly what I pointed out to him... I said "we saved for almost two years for our honeymoon. If someone invites us to an OOT wedding this summer we won't be able to afford it, but we paid for our honeymoon. See how that works??"

    He was so upset he wanted to B-List. Slow your roll, groomzilla.
    *********** This is why b lists are something that some people accept and have for sixty years, while others hate B lists. And in principle they seem bad etiquette. If you really wanted the people you invited, more than those you left off the list, then your B list is second choice also- rans, and that late invitation says Come on down, you second class better- than -no-one friend. So insulting, so wrong. But if you cut from your invitation list almost all of the people whom you really wanted most, because parents and friends all said, family first whether you like it or not ( and we are paying,) then it is natural to feel, well now the family plan failed can we at least put back on the list our Best friends? More people than not will do that, if it is still a respectable time before the wedding and within the usual time of sending invitations 4 to 8 weeks before the wedding. These were your first choice people. And contrary to what many people say on these boards, etiquette rules are not hard and fast, one rule fits every situation. The distinction with B lists is, are these people really the ones first in your heart who should have been on the list to begin with, no question? And if that is true, will they receive the invitation at least a month ahead so they will not feel insulted ? Those two things are the principles behind invitation etiquette way back to 1920's Emily Post, and all through the years . One thing people often say is, well maybe they will know others got invitations earlier. People compare notes. Isn't that bad? The traditional society hostesses answer is that surely people have busy enough lives of their own that they are not so rude as to inquire about WHEN other people get their invitations. Who would ever invite someone rude enough to do that? Everyday fact is that lots of people address and stamp the first third of invitations, out of time, mail those, and the next time they have the time, 2 or 3 days later they do more, and it may be a week to ten days between the times the first ones go to the post office and the last. Especially if the post office near you is open only one a week or twice a month when either of you can get there. Even invitations all mailed at the same time may arrive 10 to 14 days apart. And only social secretaries and very compulsive hosts sit down, figure out how long it takes for mail to cross the street (up to ten days in Boston and NYC), go to a distant state big suburb ( 3 to 8) or another country (6 To 21) or rural areas (at least five days, then likely up to 3 weeks more when they make the monthly trip to town). Then mail each type so they arrive at the same time. People need to think through the principles regarding invitations and judge what is right, from that. Don't fill seats with second tier people. But don't sit in a half empty hall, knowing most of the people you wanted most to come are some where else when you could have invited them a month in advance, within the window of acceptable time, and did not because people on a message board said NEVER, NEVER! Aside from refraining from hurting your hosts or guests, there are a lot of times when proper etiquette is a flexible thing.
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    littlepeplittlepep member
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    edited January 2015
    wrigleyville said:
    tcnoble said:
    amelisha said:
    It's not like they're saying no because they don't like you, either - people just have stuff going on in their lives and sometimes that has to come before a wedding even if they love you a lot, you know? And especially if there's travel involved. Vacation time, money, babysitters and pets and meetings and who knows what else. It's not personal, it's just....life. People have commitments and plans and they're busy and it doesn't reflect on how they feel about you.
    So much this. I've tried explaining that to him. And he's all "Well I know Aunt and Uncle so-and-so are taking a trip to Disneyworld this month so it's not like they can't afford it!" and I have to gently explain that how they spend their money is their choice and it doesn't mean they don't love us or wish us the best, but they have made the choice not to attend. 

    I've also reminded him many times that no one else thinks our wedding day is THEBESTDAYEVER except us. I think he will feel better if there are more declines from my portion of the list lol
    Yes, but they probably saved for that trip and had it earmarked long before they got your wedding invitation. They might not have any travel money and/or vacation time left now. (I'm saying that to him, not you.) ;)
    ^This. We're having to decline a wedding this summer because it would cost us $1,000+ to attend, and with our own wedding and other pre-planned trips, we just can't afford it. It's hard to make that decision without feeling a little bad, but part of being an adult I guess :)

    ETA: They wrote black tie optional so I don't feel that bad.
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    tcnobletcnoble member
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    KatieinBkln said:
    WhatawagSBNy said:
    wrigleyville said:
    tcnoble said:
    amelisha said:
    It's not like they're saying no because they don't like you, either - people just have stuff going on in their lives and sometimes that has to come before a wedding even if they love you a lot, you know? And especially if there's travel involved. Vacation time, money, babysitters and pets and meetings and who knows what else. It's not personal, it's just....life. People have commitments and plans and they're busy and it doesn't reflect on how they feel about you.
    So much this. I've tried explaining that to him. And he's all "Well I know Aunt and Uncle so-and-so are taking a trip to Disneyworld this month so it's not like they can't afford it!" and I have to gently explain that how they spend their money is their choice and it doesn't mean they don't love us or wish us the best, but they have made the choice not to attend. 

    I've also reminded him many times that no one else thinks our wedding day is THEBESTDAYEVER except us. I think he will feel better if there are more declines from my portion of the list lol
    Yes, but they probably saved for that trip and had it earmarked long before they got your wedding invitation. They might not have any travel money and/or vacation time left now. (I'm saying that to him, not you.) ;)
    That's exactly what I pointed out to him... I said "we saved for almost two years for our honeymoon. If someone invites us to an OOT wedding this summer we won't be able to afford it, but we paid for our honeymoon. See how that works??"

    He was so upset he wanted to B-List. Slow your roll, groomzilla.
    *********** This is why b lists are something that some people accept and have for sixty years, while others hate B lists. And in principle they seem bad etiquette. If you really wanted the people you invited, more than those you left off the list, then your B list is second choice also- rans, and that late invitation says Come on down, you second class better- than -no-one friend. So insulting, so wrong. But if you cut from your invitation list almost all of the people whom you really wanted most, because parents and friends all said, family first whether you like it or not ( and we are paying,) then it is natural to feel, well now the family plan failed can we at least put back on the list our Best friends? 
    Truncating the quote because it's long, but to the bolded: If you (general) have gotten yourself into a situation where your guest list is comprised of your Great-Aunt Tilly whom you've never met but Mom insisted on inviting, at the expense of your best friend from college, that is on you. No one can MAKE you settle for a shitty guest list. 

    Sure, let's say your parents are paying and they insist on including all the family, meaning there's no budget for your friends. If they mean that much to you, you will figure out how to include them. You'll contribute your own money to the wedding. You'll decline your parents' offer, host a wedding you can afford with the people you truly love, and move on. You'll have a heart-to-heart with mom and see if you can't come to some kind of compromise. There are myriad options here that are better than B-listing, and they all come down to taking responsibility for your own wedding and your own choices. Acting like your hands are tied because "Hey, I can't say no to free money!" is bullshit. Your hands aren't tied; you're being cheap, at the expense of your so-called "best friends."

    THIS. 

    My FI keeps being passive aggressive about it because HE eliminated a few people from their side of the guest list and now I think he's wishing he had been firmer on keeping them in the face of so many declines. They're all in the same circle, they will know they were B listed. I have stood firmly on the NO B-LISTING hill since day 1, and I think the declines are just surprising him.
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    tcnobletcnoble member
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    And all that whatawag nonsense novel that was typed? I can't.
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    princessleia22princessleia22 member
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    I got married in New Orleans.  DH's family lives in AZ, TN, FL, and OR.  My family is spread between MI, FL, AZ, and AL. It was OOT for 100% of our guests. We invited 80 people.  3/4 of the invites were for my side of the family and although I hoped many of them would come, I knew that most couldn't afford it.  But, there were a few that may have been able to afford it that I really hoped would come. We expected maybe 40-50 people would come.  We ended up with only 25 guests at our wedding! The only people from my family that attended were my parents & siblings.  I even had a few co-workers fly in for the wedding, but none of my extended family came. Yeah, it sucked a bit, but I don't know all their circumstances or finances, so I have no right to judge them on how they spend their money or time. He has a right to be sad over it, but he also needs to get over it. And he needs to realize that all he needs are the VIP's to make it an awesome day.  And even if all the VIP's can't make it, he still gets to marry an awesome woman, which is the whole point of the day.

    But, you know what?  My wedding was awesome!  I absolutely LOVED how small and intimate it was.  I actually had time to talk to and hang out with each of my guests.  In the end, I'm actually kind of glad that we had such a small turnout and most of our guests didn't come.  All my VIP's were there, which is all that really mattered, and we had the greatest time.  I wouldn't have changed a thing.

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    kao2015kao2015 member
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    edited January 2015
    WhatawagSBNy said:

    tcnoble said:


    wrigleyville said:


    tcnoble said:


    amelisha said:

    It's not like they're saying no because they don't like you, either - people just have stuff going on in their lives and sometimes that has to come before a wedding even if they love you a lot, you know? And especially if there's travel involved. Vacation time, money, babysitters and pets and meetings and who knows what else. It's not personal, it's just....life. People have commitments and plans and they're busy and it doesn't reflect on how they feel about you.

    So much this. I've tried explaining that to him. And he's all "Well I know Aunt and Uncle so-and-so are taking a trip to Disneyworld this month so it's not like they can't afford it!" and I have to gently explain that how they spend their money is their choice and it doesn't mean they don't love us or wish us the best, but they have made the choice not to attend. 

    I've also reminded him many times that no one else thinks our wedding day is THEBESTDAYEVER except us. I think he will feel better if there are more declines from my portion of the list lol

    Yes, but they probably saved for that trip and had it earmarked long before they got your wedding invitation. They might not have any travel money and/or vacation time left now. (I'm saying that to him, not you.) ;)

    That's exactly what I pointed out to him... I said "we saved for almost two years for our honeymoon. If someone invites us to an OOT wedding this summer we won't be able to afford it, but we paid for our honeymoon. See how that works??"

    He was so upset he wanted to B-List. Slow your roll, groomzilla.


    ***********
    This is why b lists are something that some people accept and have for sixty years, while others hate B lists. And in principle they seem bad etiquette.

    If you really wanted the people you invited, more than those you left off the list, then your B list is second choice also- rans, and that late invitation says Come on down, you second class better- than -no-one friend. So insulting, so wrong.

    But if you cut from your invitation list almost all of the people whom you really wanted most, because parents and friends all said, family first whether you like it or not ( and we are paying,) then it is natural to feel, well now the family plan failed can we at least put back on the list our Best friends?

    More people than not will do that, if it is still a respectable time before the wedding and within the usual time of sending invitations 4 to 8 weeks before the wedding. These were your first choice people. And contrary to what many people say on these boards, etiquette rules are not hard and fast, one rule fits every situation. The distinction with B lists is, are these people really the ones first in your heart who should have been on the list to begin with, no question? And if that is true, will they receive the invitation at least a month ahead so they will not feel insulted ? Those two things are the principles behind invitation etiquette way back to 1920's Emily Post, and all through the years .

    One thing people often say is, well maybe they will know others got invitations earlier. People compare notes. Isn't that bad?
    The traditional society hostesses answer is that surely people have busy enough lives of their own that they are not so rude as to inquire about WHEN other people get their invitations. Who would ever invite someone rude enough to do that?

    Everyday fact is that lots of people address and stamp the first third of invitations, out of time, mail those, and the next time they have the time, 2 or 3 days later they do more, and it may be a week to ten days between the times the first ones go to the post office and the last. Especially if the post office near you is open only one a week or twice a month when either of you can get there.

    Even invitations all mailed at the same time may arrive 10 to 14 days apart. And only social secretaries and very compulsive hosts sit down, figure out how long it takes for mail to cross the street (up to ten days in Boston and NYC), go to a distant state big suburb ( 3 to 8) or another country (6 To 21) or rural areas (at least five days, then likely up to 3 weeks more when they make the monthly trip to town). Then mail each type so they arrive at the same time.

    People need to think through the principles regarding invitations and judge what is right, from that. Don't fill seats with second tier people. But don't sit in a half empty hall, knowing most of the people you wanted most to come are some where else when you could have invited them a month in advance, within the window of acceptable time, and did not because people on a message board said NEVER, NEVER! Aside from refraining from hurting your hosts or guests, there are a lot of times when proper etiquette is a flexible thing.



    --------------------------------------------------------
    Ugh, boxes


    Why are you so hellbent on trying to make B-listing seem like a good idea? That was not even the point of this thread--OP clearly already has the good sense to not be so rude to her FI's friends and family. Jesus. If you didn't find a way to invite people in the first round of invites, they are "second-tier" invitees. I'm not saying they're second-tier people (what does that even mean?), but you prioritized other people's attendance and you have to deal with that decision.

    ETA: OP, the irritation in that last sentence was not to you. It sucks that you're getting more declines than anticipated, I can empathize. Our list skews heavily towards FI's friends and family and my guests are all very far away--already a little bummed that a lot probably won't be able to make it. But I'm sure your FI will forget all about it on the day of the wedding!
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    tcnobletcnoble member
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    @kao2015‌ no worries!! I understood. And is that a... CORGI in your avatar?!?
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