My maid of honor passed away. How do I replace her?

Knottie06978689 · January 2015

About two weeks before I got engaged, my best friend died. She would've been my maid of honor, and now I don't know what to do. I know I need a maid of honor and I have a few other friends I could choose from, but I don't want to replace her. That's her title. She earned it. I still want her to be a part of my wedding, but I'm kind of at a loss of what to do next. I will still have bridesmaids, but I feel like I need to have a maid of honor as well. Any advice?

Viczaesar · January 2015

Knottie06978689 said:

About two weeks before I got engaged, my best friend died. She would've been my maid of honor, and now I don't know what to do. I know I need a maid of honor and I have a few other friends I could choose from, but I don't want to replace her. That's her title. She earned it. I still want her to be a part of my wedding, but I'm kind of at a loss of what to do next. I will still have bridesmaids, but I feel like I need to have a maid of honor as well. Any advice?

You do not need a maid of honor. You shouldn't replace her.

manateehugger · January 2015

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

However, you do not need a MOH for any reason. I didn't have one, just 6 regular bridesmaids. I think not filling the position could be seen as a small tribute to your friend, who I imagine was not a replacable person.

lmcooper86 · January 2015

I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend.

I agree with PPs, you do not need to have someone else stand as your MOH. Any of your bridesmaids can hold your bouquet while you say your vows, sign your marriage license or ketubah, give a toast at your reception, or anything else that this friend may have done if she were here. I'm sure that no one can replace this friend in your life, not replacing her in your wedding would be a fitting way to honour her.

smacclary · January 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss! If I were in your situation, I would have all bridesmaids. A friend of mine is having all bridesmaids and no MOH because she "loves all her besties the same." It is fine to just have bridesmaids in the bridal party and no MOH. Reserve that spot in memory and commemoration of your best friend.

AddieCake · January 2015

I'm sorry you lost your friend. MsOH are not necessary, so just don't have one.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

I wouldn't have one. Just do all BMs. To honor her, I would carry something or hers on your bouquet or wear something she gave you. It could be your something borrowed.

lyndausvi · January 2015

I'm sorry for your loss.

Like the other PP's I wouldn't have one.

all+that+sparkles · January 2015

I personally wouldn't have a MOH ...I saw once, on a wedding show, where a bride had lost a member of her party and had an empty seat in the front row where she placed a bouquet (just like the bridal parties bouquet) before taking her place at the alter beside her FI. I thought it was a very touching tribute to her friend, had me in tears. If your concerned about the MOH duties and who would handle them, I would just ask the remaining bridesmaids to split the job between them whenever/wherever you need help. The girl standing directly to your left would handle your bouquet/veil etc simply because she's closest. Sorry for your loss!! Good luck! !

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

all+that+sparkles said:
I personally wouldn't have a MOH ...I saw once, on a wedding show, where a bride had lost a member of her party and had an empty seat in the front row where she placed a bouquet (just like the bridal parties bouquet) before taking her place at the alter beside her FI. I thought it was a very touching tribute to her friend, had me in tears. If your concerned about the MOH duties and who would handle them, I would just ask the remaining bridesmaids to split the job between them whenever/wherever you need help. The girl standing directly to your left would handle your bouquet/veil etc simply because she's closest. Sorry for your loss!! Good luck! !

God no. All if this, just no.

If someone is crying at a wedding (and it's not joyful), then something is wrong. Weddings are not funerals and overt memorials are garish, hurtful and tacky.

Also, there's no such thing as duties or jobs. These people aren't hired help or brideslaves, they're guests of honor!

all+that+sparkles · January 2015

Just my opinion...no need to be nasty

levioosa · January 2015

all+that+sparkles said:

Just my opinion...no need to be nasty

She was not nasty.

It is an inappropriate gesture at a wedding. Privately acknowledging her friend by wearing something special (ex. incorporating a locket into the bouquet) is much more appropriate than turning the wedding from a joyful occasion into a memorial for the dead.

OP, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. One of the ways you can honor her is to NOT replace her. You don't need a MOH anyways. Some people don't have any bridesmaids. If you would like to honor her privately, by all means, please do that, but anything grand (even like having an empty chair or lighting a candle and announcing it is for her) can turn your wedding from a joyful occasion into one of mourning.

novella1186 · January 2015

OP, I'm sorry for your loss. I think the knotties have it covered; no need for an MOH. You could honor her by not having an MOH and also by wearing something she gave you or putting something around your bouquet to remind you of her, exactly as southernbelle and levioosa have said.

larrygaga · January 2015

fwtx5815 · January 2015

all+that+sparkles said:

Just my opinion...no need to be nasty

Southernbelle's disagreement with your advice is not her being nasty. She's allowed to state her opinion on the topic without sugar coating it. And she brings up very good points.

This is probably a fresh wound for the OP and if anyone else in attendance at the wedding also knew this person, it could be a very unwelcome reminder of their recent loss. Perhaps mutual friends or the woman's parents will be there. A wedding is for celebrating a marriage, and memorials of any kind should be private, or at least not in-your-face.

Some good alternatives to the depressing "empty chair" thing-

A small candle by the guest book

Wearing/carrying something that belonged to the friend

A small note on the back of the program

Placing the bridal bouquet on the friend's grave after the wedding

Play her favorite song at the reception

Use one of her favorite foods at the reception or candy as the wedding favor

Dreamergirl8812 · February 2015

Every time I see the title of this thread:

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

larrygaga said:

I'm just quoting this so I can see Justin Verlander again. He's pretty.

OP, I'm very sorry for your loss. I agree with PPs saying the most fitting tribute is to not replace her. (As MOH or just with another BM - sides don't need to be even.) You may list her in the program if you want.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

I agree with other PP to just have BM and no MOH. I love the suggestion of wearing something of hers be it something she gave you or if you don't have anything see if her mother has a piece of jewlery still from her that you can borrow for the day. If that doesn't work, maybe get a locket and put her picture in it & pin it to your bouquet or to the inside of her dress (assuming it would be comfortble) near your heart, because that is where she will live forever, in your heart.

bananasplit472001 · February 2015

I would agree to have no MOH. We are having a memory candle at the reception next to the guestbook to honor the grandparents. This may also we something you want to do.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

I'm looking for someone who will make a very specific charm for me in remembrance of my grampa. (He was a stamp collector, and he carved wooden birds, particularly chickadees. I want a chickadee stamp charm.) Depending on its size, I may wear it on a bracelet, a necklace, or otherwise pin it to my dress. I will be wearing earrings that belonged to my grandmother. No blatant, in-your-face memorials for me.

apriljean88 · February 2015

I would actually disagree with PPs who said that this would be inappropriate. I was present at a wedding where the bride had a tribute to her sister who had passed the previous year. Her sister had been her best friend her whole life and it meant so much to this bride that she was able to, in some respect, still honor her sister as her MOH. She had a pillar with a candle present in the place where her sister would have stood and the groom had one more groomsman than she had bridesmaids. The gesture was not at all depressing, rather it was a comfort to her to know her sister was there in spirit. Ask your coordinator to help you with the logistics of this honor.

JoanE2012 · February 2015

apriljean88 said:

I would actually disagree with PPs who said that this would be inappropriate. I was present at a wedding where the bride had a tribute to her sister who had passed the previous year. Her sister had been her best friend her whole life and it meant so much to this bride that she was able to, in some respect, still honor her sister as her MOH. She had a pillar with a candle present in the place where her sister would have stood and the groom had one more groomsman than she had bridesmaids. The gesture was not at all depressing, rather it was a comfort to her to know her sister was there in spirit. Ask your coordinator to help you with the logistics of this honor.

As a guest, I would find it strange, morbid and depressing to see a pillar candle standing in for a person.

Dreamergirl8812 · February 2015

apriljean88 said:

I would actually disagree with PPs who said that this would be inappropriate. I was present at a wedding where the bride had a tribute to her sister who had passed the previous year. Her sister had been her best friend her whole life and it meant so much to this bride that she was able to, in some respect, still honor her sister as her MOH. She had a pillar with a candle present in the place where her sister would have stood and the groom had one more groomsman than she had bridesmaids. The gesture was not at all depressing, rather it was a comfort to her to know her sister was there in spirit. Ask your coordinator to help you with the logistics of this honor.

So her sister's spirit wouldn't have shown up without a tribute pillar?

justsie · February 2015

JoanE2012 said:

apriljean88 said:

I would actually disagree with PPs who said that this would be inappropriate. I was present at a wedding where the bride had a tribute to her sister who had passed the previous year. Her sister had been her best friend her whole life and it meant so much to this bride that she was able to, in some respect, still honor her sister as her MOH. She had a pillar with a candle present in the place where her sister would have stood and the groom had one more groomsman than she had bridesmaids. The gesture was not at all depressing, rather it was a comfort to her to know her sister was there in spirit. Ask your coordinator to help you with the logistics of this honor.

As a guest, I would find it strange, morbid and depressing to see a pillar candle standing in for a person.

I second this. That happened at a wedding I went to and I lost it, and had to run our of the ceremony because I was crying. I couldn't return. It wasn't fun, and other people were affected by it.

moorewedding530 · March 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Don't replace her. I've seen a wedding where a groomsman had passed away and they left a rose in his place within the groomsmen. For her, have a bridesmaid hold an extra bouquet and leave it in her place. It honors her in a subtle way.

[Deleted User] · March 2015

moorewedding530 said:
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Don't replace her. I've seen a wedding where a groomsman had passed away and they left a rose in his place within the groomsmen. For her, have a bridesmaid hold an extra bouquet and leave it in her place. It honors her in a subtle way.

Nothing subtle about either of those ideas. Those are pretty damn blatant and In Your Face. A locket is subtle, an empty chair holding an extra bouquet is most definitely NOT.

My maid of honor passed away. How do I replace her?

Re: My maid of honor passed away. How do I replace her?

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